Author's Note: Hello to anyone familiar with me! I'm not dead! Anyone familiar with my other story is by now saying something to the tune of "What the hell!? I've been waiting for like four months for the end of the last one! I must kill him..." Well, I'm trying to get back into the swing of things again after dusting off my account, so not to worry the last chapter is coming. I just have to cook up some good jokes. Anyone not familiar with me, hello my name is Neokage. This story I plan on doing in the form of a sketch comedy barely strung together with a plot, so if it seems to jump around a bit your not crazy. Some of my jokes are messed up, so leave if you are a wimp. Yeah, you heard me. Can't even read a fan fiction! How will you ever please a *woman! (*Man for you ladies.) People who know me also know I'm a total review whore so send them in. I tend to respond to most all of them in the following chapter. It is my core belief that if you love something you should pick on it quite a bit, and in that spirit I give you Rozen Maiden: An Off-key Jingle.
Rated:T Genre: Comedy/Parody Warning: Offensive humor/Spoilers... Well not really, but some jokes are based on spoilers...
Prologue: Deep within the minds of the sleeping subconscious of humans, and behind the reflecting surfaces are small alternative realities known as N-fields. They appear as often empty unpopulated, peaceful places. However, once every so often, during the Alice Game, the serenity of these places are often broken and these peaceful lands become battle grounds. In one such N-field the fifth Rozen Maiden: Shinku clashes with the seventh Kirakishuo. The stormy sky seemed to crack apart with the silhouettes of vines and rose petals. Using her pink cane as a sword Shinku slashed at the vines tearing into them. "Kirakishou! We don't have to do this! There is another way to become Alice! Join us and we...", "Pathetic!!", interrupted Kirakishou not breaking her wide-eyed grin. "Such weak resolve does not fit the title of Alice. You're cowardly ideals are your weakness, Shinku!" She hissed holding out her hand. A white light began gleaming from her palm, causing Shinku to hold up her her sword defensively and brace for the next attack. Suddenly something from high above flopped onto Kirakishuo's arm immediately breaking her concentration and extinguishing the light. "Eh?! What the...?" She spat, before holding the circular, flat thing draped over her arm closer to her eye. "Ugh! It stinks! What is this?" She screamed in disgust flinging the object as many more began falling from the sky.
Shinku caught one as it fell and held it up. " Bologna?", Shinku whispered. "Yes, bologna." A voice echoed from high above as Leplace stepped out of a tear in time and space. "What is the meaning of this Laplace. Is this your doing?" Laplace bowed deeply, "I'm afraid you have the wrong person. Everyone and no one is in a way responsible for this recent turn of events. While people toil upon the earth they pay no attention to what they send up in the...", "Oh for the love of god! Get off it!" Kirakishou bellowed holding her nose and making a arch of vines over herself to shielding herself from the falling lunch meats. "What the hell is the point of giving us advice if it's through these stupid, vague riddles! You're not being mysterious! You're just annoying!" Leplace stepped back a little startled. " *Sigh* Fine! Try and add a little class and they string you the hell up!" He mumbled, loosening his tie before snapping his fingers.
A screen appeared suddenly in the sky displaying Al Gore's face with "An Inconvenient Truth" displayed across the screen. "I saw this at Jun's." said Shinku to herself "I could barely stay conscious for ten minutes while watching it.", "So I suppose there was no chance you saw the outtakes, huh?" Laplace said now floating on his side as if lounging and smoking a cigarette. He snapped his fingers again causing the scene to jump to Al Gore pointing to a mirror as he continues his seemingly endless presentation "Not only the polar icecaps are at risk but the worlds in our minds are at risk as well. We've found that these worlds or "N-fields" are effected by strange weather as the world heats up. However unlike our world, instead a being plagued by hurricanes they will be hit with strong fronts of lunch meats..." Suddenly a stagehand comes onto the scene. "Mr. Gore I think it's time to sleep..." The screen then fizzles out of existence. "...and there you have it." Leplace shrugs. "Due to weather the Alice Game is "on hold". "Absurd!" Spat Kirakishou, nasally. Laplace puts out the cigarette on the bottom of his shoe before opening a portal to make his exit. "Fine then. Feel free to keep fighting. If you think this stinks now, give it a few hours." Kirakishou scowled before disappearing into a cloud of writhing vines. Several minutes later back at the storage room of Jun's house, Shinku strolled through the glowing mirror. She stood in the dark looking at the door for a moment "This is the first time all the maidens have made contact and didn't immediately begin the Alice Game. What do we do now?"
One week later...
Rozen Maiden: An Off-Key Jingle - Chapter:1 - Origins
Shinku, Suigintou, Hinaichigo, Suiseiseki, and Souseiseki sat assembled in the living room after the day's episode of Kun-Kun had ended. Suigintou reached for another cracker before breaking the silence. " So Shinku after our last battle you had a chance to meet father I hear." Shinku smiles to herself warmly before sipping her tea. "Yes, we spent what seemed like forever talking. It was a wonderful experience. One that I will always treasure." Suigintou frowned silently in jealousy before Suiseiseki spoke up. "Skinku, not that I'm complaining but father was trying to create the perfect girl through the creation of the Rozen Maidens ~desu. So why did he make us all so different from each other ~desu?"
"Ah, we did discuss that actually." Shinku put down her tea as she excitingly continued. "Well, father was a very worldly person indeed! Because of this his view as to what a perfect girl was changed drastically from time to time. Suigintou, in fact I've wonderful news for you. Father actually did finish you." Shinku says smiling brightly. Suigintou in surprise spits her tea all over. "*Cough cough* W...what?" "It's true." Shinku continued. "When father first began creating doll he was an avid opium smoker and hung around in bordellos. There he fell in love with an anorexic Gothic whore. So the lack of a stomach was just father's artistic touch as he made you in the image of his first love." Suigintou went paler than usual as the gravity of Shinku's words sunk in. "However, she began not charging for her services and father saw this as cheating so he left her which is why he never picked you up again. After that he fell in to with a young girl he taught violin to but was soon arrested because she was ten and that was about the time he made Kanaria. After his release he started a steady habit of absinthe and mushrooms and fell in love with his dealer and made Suiseiseki in her image though I believe the influence of the drugs had an influence on the color scheme. He soon ran out of money and she dumped him. He swore off women all together then and found love with the young male dock workers at the peer. That's when he made you Souseiseki. Soon though he found himself in love with a young blond with a love for gay men. That's when he made me. However as soon as he agreed to go out with her she realized he wasn't gay anymore and dumped him as well. He found work as a school teacher creating Hinaichigo and got in trouble with the law again but this time fled to the ocean where he fell in love with a pirate and that is how Barashuisou and Kirakishou."
"Ah yes, very worldly indeed." Shinku picked up her tea again sipping it before strolling out of the room. The other dolls sat frozen in silent horror at what they had just heard. "It...it's not true right?" Souseiseki creaked. Hinaichigo started crying as Suiseiseki jumped down from the couch. "I'm going to take a bath. Where's the toaster ~desu?" Just then, Shinku stuck her head back in the door. "Oh, by the way. I was just kidding. Me and father didn't get to talk at all he was gone in a flash." She said before taking her leave again. The dolls sat and looked at each other for a second. "I-I'm going to kill her." Suigintou said, "I mean I should. Right? The dolls nodded in agreement as the followed in hot persuit. As they began out the door Hinaichigo wiped the tears from her eyes as she thought. "When did Suigintou start living here?"