"There's someone else isn't there?" Bernie couldn't say that she was surprised Serena had been perceptive enough to deduce it, but it still put her on edge. She swirled the wine around in her glass and took a deep sniff a fraction before she sipped a mouthful and attempted to diffuse the 'deer in headlights' look from her eyes.
"There was, but it ended when I arrived here." The heartache was plain on Bernie's face and evident through the waver in her voice.
"And you didn't want it to." It was a statement for clarification purposes and Bernie's sad shake of her head confirmed it for Serena. "What about your husband? I thought you were trying to save your marriage?"
"Misdirection." The single word was delivered short, sharp and to the point as was Bernie's style.
"Ah, okay. We'll say no more. So, what about this other chap? I assume he's a soldier?" Bernie felt that familiar sensation of her pulse thudding in her ears, her heart pounding in her chest and the anxiety flood through her system. It was decision time; did she trust Serena enough to tell her the truth? Out of everyone she'd worked with, she seemed not to have an agenda. There was something fundamentally genuine about her as opposed to the Jac Naylors and Guy Selfs of Holby General. On the other hand, if she didn't take it well, there was no telling the misery and difficulties she could cause her, and she'd had enough of those already.
"Medic." It fell out of Bernie's mouth automatically and she hid her rush of embarrassment in the bottom of her glass once again. She was making quick work of the bottle they'd decided to share and suspected another might be on the cards before the evening was over.
"Of course, that makes more sense. Do you know what happened, why he ended it?"
"If I knew that…!" Bernie began sharply but stopped herself and apologised. "Sorry." She took a calming breath and continued. "I have no idea." Serena took the time to study her new drinking companion and realised just how much the army medic had been affected by this affair. She wondered if there was further complication around the circumstances of it ending.
"Is he married too? Kids?" Bernie smirked sardonically to herself and shook her head.
"Ah, is he junior to you?" Serena guessed and a spark of acknowledgement flickered in Bernie's eyes. It didn't take much of a leap for her to make the next correct guess. "In both age and rank?" Bernie gave her a small nod in confirmation. "You crafty devil you!" Serena playfully nudged her shoulder in a sign of approval.
"It's not like that!" Bernie didn't want her colleague to get the wrong idea that she was some sort of romanticised 'cougar' and for it to be brought up for amusement purposes down the line.
"Are you in love with him?" Serena looked seriously at the army medic then. She'd been smart enough to get this far, so she'd worked out that Bernie's feelings must run particularly deep for this person.
"Her," Bernie corrected without thinking, then there was a split second panicked pause before she continued. "Yes... no…. was… still am…" Serena smiled widely as her suspicions were confirmed and that she'd fallen for this bloke…. No, wait. Did the army medic just say what she thought she did? Bernie saw the look of realisation appear on Serena's face as the corrected pronoun registered in her brain. The other woman's eyes and mouth had widened in surprise, yet no sound was forthcoming. Bernie steeled herself for the inevitable backlash; her expression was tightly controlled and she sat ramrod straight on her stool. Never one to back down from a challenge, she also met Serena's gaze head on.
"My, you are full of surprises!" Serena took a long, slow sip of her drink and simply continued without preamble. "What's she like?" Bernie let out a huge sigh of relief that nothing untoward was going to be made of her reveal and then smiled broadly at her colleague.
"Challenging! But a grafter and a brilliant surgeon. Kind-hearted, intelligent, funny, keeps… kept me sane after a shit day. She was so easy to talk to, didn't judge or undermine my decisions but was prepared to offer alternatives if she didn't agree. Having someone to bounce off of, talk things through with, in our job was essential. Still is, even here." Serena instantly noticed how much more energised Bernie appeared to be when she had spoken about her mystery lover. Her whole being had lit up, making her seem softer and more vulnerable somehow. Not at all like the 'Major Wolfe' she saw in the hallowed corridors and operating theatres of Holby General.
"Sounds like love to me and, if you don't mind me saying, it seems to suit you. And I should know because everyone has been saying that about me for the past few weeks!" Serena was still waiting for the other shoe to drop with Robbie but he'd embraced Jason and his place in her life with surprising ease. He was a keeper if ever she saw one. And the sex wasn't half bad either!
"It's all a bit redundant now anyway," Bernie said morosely and stared into the bottom of her near-empty wine glass.
"What are you going to do? Are you still in contact with her? And what about the situation with your husband?"
"I don't really have much of a choice now; she's made her decision and I've got to live with mine. I am still... fond… of Marcus, we rub along together reasonably well and we do have two children together. I did promise them I'd give civilian life a shot, perhaps I just need more time?" Bernie could see so much time stretched out in front of her; a very slow, pedestrian path instead of the blood pumping, adrenaline fueled army existence she'd thrived on for twenty years.
"Oh love, all the time in the world is not going to change how you feel about this. It's plain to me just from the short time I've known you." There was no doubting that Bernie was an exceptionally talented and quick-thinking surgeon. She also had the strength of character and confidence to pull it off, but there had also been something about her that set her apart from everyone else and Serena suspected there always would be.
"Serena, this can't go any further, you understand? I've got too much left to lose. Besides, she obviously doesn't want to speak to me. I've tried so many times and in so many ways but I've had nothing back. I just have to face that it's over and make the best of things here." She'd been telling herself that for weeks and nothing had clicked yet, perhaps something would eventually happen to make it all suddenly work out, or not.
"Your secret's safe with me, I promise you that. But don't forget that life is too short and ultimately you have to do what makes you happy." Bernie snorted derisively.
"Funny, I said those exact same words to someone when I first arrived here." It felt like a lifetime ago now; when Bernie still had the promise of the new life she and Alex were going to build together. If… when… she would have been brave enough to tell Marcus that was.
"Well, isn't it about time you took your own advice then?" Bernie swallowed down the lump in her throat and poured herself another glass of wine to distract herself from the tears that had formed in her eyes.
"Another?" She asked her colleague in a way that wasn't a question and Serena nodded firmly. Thank goodness they were both on a late shift tomorrow!