This is a small one shot and just an idea I had. If you remember the episode where Ronnie tells Joel about Danielle it wasn't really talked about that much,there wasn't much detail so I thought I would have a go and write it. Hope its ok :) I recommend you listen to the song as you read,its quite deep and powerful and really explains how Ronnie feels.
Hurt – Christina Aguilera
"Why dont you ask Ronnie about Danielle?" Roxy held Amy close whilst staring at her sister. Things were heading towards breaking point and Joel needed to know the truth,the truth about the child they conceived all them years ago.
Joel turned to Ronnie with a confused wide eyed expression,"Who's Danielle?" he asked turning to Ronnie then back at Roxy. Ronnie told Joel the baby died years ago,hearing this strange information had him completely baffled. Roxy watched the tears surface in Ronnie's eyes and turned her back shutting the kitchen door behind her.
Seems like it was yesterday when I saw your face
You told me how proud you were, but I walked away
If only I knew what I know today
"Sit" Ronnie commanded with a hand gesture to a kitchen chair. How could she explain this horrific tale to him? How could she look him in the eye and tell him that their child died because of her family,because of so many lies. Ronnie knew this was coming,she knew she would have to explain what happened to their baby,she wanted to speak proudly of Danielle and tell him what a wonderful young woman she turned out to be. Would this sabotage their relationship? Would Joel turn away once he knew the real truth? Ronnie had no idea but she needed to get things out in the open.
Joel sat next to Ronnie with his hands awkwardly resting on the table,"I thought our baby died years ago,thats what you told me?" he pressed for answers finding the whole situation very confusing. "Ronnie?" he spoke softly taking her hands.
Ronnie looked up,the pain in her heart felt unbearable. The need to hold Danielle,to feel her in her arms just once more was all she craved. Being with Joel was now a waiting game,a device plot to have another baby. Another Danielle,another daughter that she could look after and never let slip away. "Her name was Danielle,i thought she was dead now she is dead" her lip trembled as she brought a hand to her eyes to try and stop herself from breaking down. Over the past few months Ronnie had learned to build a new mask to hide behind,a totally untouchable shield.
I would hold you in my arms, I would take the pain away
Thank you for all you've done, forgive all your mistakes
There's nothing I wouldn't do to hear your voice again
Sometimes I wanna call you but I know you won't be there
Joel shook his head,"I dont understand?" he cocked his head to the side.
Ronnie stared at him,he was a reminder of Danielle. The same eyes and the same shy timid manner,"My dad told me she died,he lied..she was living here for seven months" Ronnie cleared her throat to try and compose herself. Telling this story for the second time was almost as painful as that night,the night Danielle died in her arms. Andy's words still rung in her head,she wasn't to blame for her death,it was Archie's fault. If only she saw all the signs,if only she could have rescued her baby in time. Ronnie felt herself slowly drowning in guilt,all the what ifs and could have beens niggling away in her mind only making her feel even worse.
Oh, I'm sorry for blaming you
For everything I just couldn't do
And I've hurt myself by hurting you
"Months? Seven months?" Joel muttered. Ever since he received a letter about Amy dying he never really thought much about it,he had moved on and had more children. Although he would have liked to have been apart of Ronnie's life once she had the baby he wasn't allowed,warned to stay away by Archie and to never contact her.
Ronnie nodded,"I didnt know who she was" she said shuddering at her words,she seemed to use them six words a lot. "Danielle worked for me,she worked for my family..she came to me for help..advice" Ronnie's lip twitched almost forming a smile as Danielle hadn't corrected the nurse at the abortion clinic. Thats the closest she ever got. Waking up that following morning from her baby's death was all a blur,it almost felt like a sick nightmare. The child of her dreams within touching distance,everything she ever wanted was there to be had.
Joel sat back in the chair and frowned,"Why didnt she tell you who she was?" he asked shrugging his shoulders a little. Leaving Steph for Ronnie felt like the right choice,seeing her again suddenly brought him to life again. Joel never wanted to go back to his old life,Ronnie was still the only woman for him.
Some days I feel broke inside but I won't admit
Sometimes I just wanna hide 'cause it's you I miss
And it's so hard to say goodbye when it comes to this
Ronnie sniffed her tears back,"I let her down,so many times I let her down and..i guess I made it even harder for her to tell me" she admitted shaking her head with regret. "See Danielle was always asking me about what happened to my baby,she knew I had a child and gave her away for adoption" she explained,every word felt like a bullet ripping through every part of her body. Ronnie pressed her lips together and sighed,"Danielle had an abortion I went with her because she wanted to get rid of it and I..i told her having my baby was the biggest mistake of my life" Ronnie croaked covering her mouth and nose with her hand as she let out a sob. "I didnt know who she was" she defended not only to Joel but to herself.
Joel sat with his eyes wide and mouth slightly open at this shocking story. Still trying to get his head around that the child he had with Ronnie was alive all this time. His hands quickly grabbed her hers,he stroked her soft skin with his thumb. "What happened?" he asked.
Would you tell me I was wrong? Would you help me understand?
Are you looking down upon me? Are you proud of who I am?
There's nothing I wouldn't do to have just one more chance
To look into your eyes and see you looking back
Ronnie looked down at her hands resting in Joel's,"She told me who she was and I didnt believe her" she delivered bluntly not wanting to go into too much detail. She wasn't a monster,she knew she was hurt. Hurt so much,damaged forever. "Danielle begged and begged for me to believe her,i should have done..the look in her eyes...i wanted it to be true" Ronnie explained shaking her head as she spoke. "She looked so small,so lost and fragile..i threw her out" she said coldly her hands slowly moving away from Joel's. She ran her hands through her hair and sighed. "I said some horrible things..she begged me to believe her and I turned her away. I turned my baby away" Ronnie looked across at Joel,her breath caught in her throat,she wasn't sure if she could even tell him the rest let alone think about it.
To Joel Ronnie was still the same girl she was when they were kids,except she seemed alot more broken. He knew there was something wrong,something that seemed to be haunting her wherever she went. "Its not your fault" he whispered moving his chair closer to her.
Oh, I'm sorry for blaming you
For everything I just couldn't do
And I've hurt myself
Ronnie stared into the wall,she often wondered if there was anything she could have done that night that maybe would have changed things. "When Amy was taken away from me I gave her a locket..this locket" she brought her hand up to her chest and held the locket tightly between her fingers. This was the only connection she ever had with her baby,"I found the locket..i believed her and I went after her" Ronnie continued with the story,her thumb brushing across the cold metal. Ronnie could feel her lip shaking,"I ran after her..i wanted her to know I believed her..and.." Ronnie stopped.
"And what..?" Joel breathed.
If I had just one more day
I would tell you how much that I've missed you
Since you've been away
Ronnie locked eyes with Joel,"Danielle turned around and..she smiled at me..she knew I believed her" she closed her eyes as she spoke. Ronnie could still see Danielle's face,the small smile that escaped her lips when their eyes met,the door opened for the two of them,a chance to be together. "She stepped out onto the road,she ran towards me..she was running into my arms..then it hit her..the car hit her" she shivered and slowly opened her eyes,she wanted to make sure Joel was still going to be there for her,that he still wanted her. The hot tears ran down her face,every night she dreamed about Danielle,she could almost feel her in her arms still. Ronnie quickly wiped them away with the back of her hand and sucked in a breath,"I held her..i told her everything was going to be ok but it wasn't!..It wasn't ok!" she banged the table with her fist a little as her voice raised. "I held my baby in my arms..and I watched her die..her life end. All the warmth turned into cold..i watched my baby die" she sobbed feeling Joel's arms quickly embrace her. Ronnie lent against his chest,"My baby's gone" she sobbed unable to stop these raw emotions from spilling out.
Oh, it's dangerous
It's so out of line
To try and turn back time
Joel held Ronnie tighter as the sobs became louder. Real tears,real emotion from the pit of her stomach,heart wrenching cries. A mother loosing a child,what could be worse?
I'm sorry for blaming you
For everything I just couldn't do
And I've hurt myself
By hurting you
"Have you loved someone so much? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defences, you build up a whole suit of armour, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your life...You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like hug you or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you up and leaves you crying in the darkness, an unconditional love can turn into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain."