Leslie Arzt Flashback
Jersey City, New Jersey, USA
Pali High School
Dr. Leslie Arzt's eyes stared longingly at the face of the woman on his computer screen. The top of the web page he was on read "Inter-Date". He sighed.
"Dr. Arzt." A man's voice said from outside the classroom. The door to the science room swung open. Arzt hastily closed the window he had open on his computer.
"Um..uh..Principle Hodgkins. Hello." Arzt greeted as the principle walked in.
"Please doctor," Hodgkins said cheerfully, "call me Ted."
"Ah, no no." Replied Arzt, "I wouldn't feel comfortable calling you by your first name, Principle, while you don't refer to me by mine."
"Hey doc," said Hodgkins, "you asked me not to call you by your first name. Not that I see why....I think Leslie is a bitchin' name."
"Yeah." Said Arzt, "People keep telling me that. But just the same, I prefer Dr. Arzt. Now, uh, is there something you needed?"
"Yeah Les....I mean Dr. Arzt," Hodgkins said, "I just wanted to let you know that you're all clear for that time you wanted off for vacation. But I gotta ask you something. We're barely halfway through September, where do you have to go so badly that it can't wait until later in the year?"
"Oh, I'm heading down to Australia." Replied Arzt, "I've got family I'm visiting." He was lying about visiting family, "And Australia, being that it's in the southern hemisphere, has opposite seasons than we do here. So while we're just getting into school, they're just getting out."
"Makes sense." Replied Hodgkins, "See you when you get back doc. Enjoy your trip." Hodgkins gave Arzt a slight wave then turned and walked off.
"See ya Principle Hodgkins." Arzt said as the principle left. He put his hand on the computer mouse and clicked at the bottom of the screen. "Inter-Date" opened up again. Her face appeared. Screen name AussieGirl42, real name Sarah Murrey. Once again, Arzt sighed. Soon he'd meet her face to face in Sydney. He'd take her out to a fine lobster dinner, and she'd promise to never leave him. Not like his previous three wives, no. Sarah was different. She didn't care that he was a high school science teacher. And Arzt was sure that when they met, she'd be too excited to care that he had used a photo of his buddy Nick as his display picture instead of a picture of himself. She was too good a person to care about little things like how someone looks. Arzt was sure. He hit the power button on the computer, rubbed his eyes and got up. He grabbed his copy of Animal Farm and his suitcase and walked out of the science room. As he left he flicked out the lights and closed the door. The lock clicked as he closed it.
The Home Of Leslie Arzt, The Next Day
Arzt frantically packed his things into a suitcase. He tossed in a few dress shirts, a jacket, some dress shoes. He realized that his Exposé season 1 DVD wouldn't fit, so he tossed it aside. He needed a new form of entertainment. "Nick!" Arzt called to his friend sitting across the room.
"Yeah man?" Said Nick, who was very relaxed in his chair.
"Grab me some books from the shelf." Arzt commanded, "Animal Farm, The Valenzetti Equation, Are You There God It's Me Margaret. Grab those one's. Hurry."
"Relax Arzt." Nick said, "You're not gonna miss your flight. You've got three hours. Why do you even need so many books? And isn't Judy Bloom an author for pre-teen girls?"
"Well, Nick," Arzt said as he stopped packing and faced his friend, "first of all, I'm rushing because I don't wanna risk missing my flight, time flies, secondly, I need the books because the flight's gonna be long, do the words 'other side of the world' mean anything to you? Probably not. And Thirdly, the literary works of Judith Bloom can be appreciated by anyone of any age. Now pass me the books....and that scarf." Nick handed Arzt the books. He grabbed the nearby scarf from a table.
"Uh, Arzt..." Said Nick as he handed it to Leslie, "This is a neckerchief..."
"Yeah. I know. So what?" Said Arzt, "Haven't you seen the movies where the desert explorers rap scarves around their necks to keep cool. Well guess what, Australia's a desert."
"I don't know what kind of movies you're watching..." Replied Nick.
"They were documentaries." Said Arzt, "Now help me get my luggage out to the cab." Arzt zipped up his duffle bag and closed his suitcase. Nick grabbed the bag. They walked out to the cab waiting to take Arzt to JFK airport. Arzt tossed his suitcase in the trunk, and Nick did the same with the duffle bag.
"Wait a second." Said Nick, "I've got a surprise for you." Nick turned and walked to his car parked across the street.
"Well hurry with it, alright." Said Arzt, "Time is money." Nick popped his trunk and pulled out a golf bag full of clubs.
"You've been stressed out lately," said Nick, "well actually you've always seemed pretty stressed.... I thought some golf might help you relax. Take your girl out for 18 holes." Nick handed the clubs to Arzt who then put them in the cab's trunk.
"Thanks Nick." Said Arzt, "I have no idea how to golf, but thanks just the same. Oh and...there's something else that's kind of been on my mind."
"What's that?" Questioned Nick.
"You know that picture of you, at that barbecue?" Said Arzt, "I kind of sent that to Sarah, and, uh, said it was me."
"What?" Said Nick, "Don't worry about it man. I know I'm good looking, but when she meets you she won't be disappointed."
"Yeah well," said Arzt, "thanks again Nick. I'll see you when I get back." Arzt climbed into the back of the cab. Nick closed the trunk. He waved goodbye and Arzt shut the cab door.
JFK International Airport, Queens County, New York
Arzt hurried through the airport. He was right. Time does fly. "This is the last call for Oceanic flight 635, New York to Sydney." The speakers announced. Arzt struggled to carry his suitcase, duffle bag and golf clubs. He slipped and dropped the clubs.
"Dammit." Arzt said to himself. He considered leaving the clubs. He didn't like golf and the clubs were only slowing him down.
"I got 'em." A strange man said. The man picked up the clubs, "You on 635?"
"Yeah." Replied Arzt, who was unaccustomed to strangers being kind to him.
"I'm going by there." The stranger said, "I'll carry these if you want."
"Sure thing." Said Arzt, "Thanks a lot." Arzt secretly hoped the man would just run off with them. But the stranger didn't. Together they walked quickly to the boarding gate. They made it just in time. Arzt handed the stewardess his ticket. "Thanks again. I'm Dr. Arzt....Dr. Leslie Arzt." Arzt said, somehow comfortable telling this stranger his first name, "Are you on this flight?"
"No." Said the stranger, "I'm just passing through. My name's Jacob." Jacob handed Arzt the clubs and patted him on the shoulder. Then he turned to walk away, "Oh and by the way. I think Leslie is a bitchin' name."
"Thanks Jacob." Said Arzt, slightly confused and mesmerized by this charming stranger. Jacob walked away and disappeared into a crowd. Arzt boarded the plane.
Oceanic Flight 635, New York to Sydney
Arzt watched out the air plane's window at the tarmac below. The luggage was finished loading and the plane was ready to take off. The captain's voice came over the speaker, "This is your captain, Seth Norris speaking. We're about to take off. We're expecting a smooth flight with little turbulence. We should be landing in Sydney in around 20 hours. Please listen to the head stewardess for further instruction, and enjoy your flight." The stewardess went into a safety routine. Arzt began checking her out, but then he remembered Sarah. He can't have wandering eyes when he already has a woman waiting for him. He pulled out his well worn copy of Animal Farm and began reading.
"The pigs are walking." Arzt read from the page of the book. It had always been his favourite line. He dreamt of someday using it in real life, but he couldn't think of an instance when it would make any sense.
Chez Laurent Ristorante, Sydney, Australia
Arzt sat alone at his table, eagerly awaiting the arrival of his date. A thought ran over him. What if she didn't come? But, no. She said she would. She said she was excited for it the last time they chatted. And then he saw her. She looked just like she did in the photo. Better even. Arzt waited for her to notice him, then he realized she hadn't even seen what he really looked like. "Sarah." Arzt said, "Ahem, Sarah!" She looked over at him and saw him waving. She looked confused, and then smiled. She walked over.
"Leslie?" Sarah questioned.
"Yeah. It's me Leslie. Dr. Leslie Arzt. That's me." Arzt responded excitedly. He stood up and shook Sarah's hand, "Sarah. Woah. It's so good to finally meet you face to face. Please sit." Arzt pulled out her chair and she sat, "You look so good. Just like your picture."
"Yeah, thanks." Sarah said in her Australian accent, "You look....good. Did you do something with your hair since that photo was, uh, taken?"
"Well," replied Arzt, "I'd like to say that I did, but, uh, that's not, not me in the photo. I'm sorry if....that's just my, uh, buddy. But I'm still the same guy you've been chatting with. I really am a doctor."
"I thought you were a teacher." Replied Sarah, slightly uncomfortable.
"Yeah," said Arzt, "I am a teacher, with a PhD. Ya know, my students and co-workers, they, uh, address me as Dr. Arzt."
"The other teachers," said Sarah, "they don't call you Leslie?"
"No," said Arzt, "I don't like my name. Leslie."
"Sounds like a pretty bitchin' name to me." Replied Sarah.
"Ah," said Arzt, "yeah. People always say that. Always." A waiter walked up to the table.
"Good evening." Greeted the waiter, "Welcome to Chez Laurent Ristorante. Can I start you off with drinks?"
"You know what," said Arzt, "Can I just go ahead and order one of those lobsters?"
"Lobster it is." Replied the waiter, "Anything else?"
"Do you want a drink now or...?" Arzt questioned Sarah.
"No thanks." Replied Sarah, "I'm fine."
"I'm fine too." Said Arzt, "Thanks." The waiter nodded and walked back to the kitchen.
"Lobster, huh?" Said Sarah, bored.
"Yeah." Replied Arzt, "Crustaceans fascinate me. Heh. Kidding."
"I'm gonna go to the rest room." Said Sarah, "Excuse me a moment doctor...." Sarah got up and walked away. Leslie smiled and watched her as she left. As far as he could tell the date was going alright, a little awkward, but alright. A few minutes passed. The waiter delivered the lobster.
"Thanks." Said Arzt, beginning to think that Sarah was either REALLY taking her time in the rest room, or she wasn't coming back at all. Arzt looked at the lobster. It's beady black eyes stared back. Arzt's dinner mocked him. The lobster may have been boiled alive, but Arzt felt like he had been boiled alive. Half an hour passed. The waiter returned and the lobster still layed their un-eaten.
"Excuse me, Mr. Arntz?" Said the waiter.
"It's Dr. Arzt." Replied Arzt.
"Oh, I'm sorry." Said the waiter, "Dr.Arntz. Are you finished here or....?"
"Yeah." Said Arzt, "Just wrap up the lobster and bring me my bill."
Kingsford Smith International Airport, Sydney Australia
Arzt was packed up and ready to go just one day after arriving in Australia. He stood in line with his bags and golf clubs waiting to get a ticket for a flight back to New York. He approached the ticket agent. Her name tag read 'Chrissy'.
"Hi." Said Arzt, "I'm wondering if I can get a direct flight to JFK?"
"I'm sorry," replied Chrissy, "no direct flights are available to New York. We can get you on a flight to LA and then a transfer to New York."
"Oh come on." Said Arzt, annoyed and wanting to get home, "There's gotta be something."
"Hey man," a voice said, "Don't even bother trying." Arzt looked over to see a black father standing with his son and their dog in it's kennel, "I argued and bartered for an hour trying to get a direct flight to New York. But the best I could get was 815, Sydney to Los Angeles."
"Fine." Said Arzt, fed up, "I'll take the transfer." He handed his credit card to Chrissy. She swiped it and printed him off a ticket.
"Here you are Mr. Artz." Said Chrissy, "Oceanic flight 815." Arzt was too tired to correct her mispronunciation of his name. He stepped away from the ticket counter.
"You a New Yorker?" Questioned the black father, who, unkown to Arzt, was named Michael.
"Jersey." Replied Arzt.
"Oh yeah?" Said Michael, "Where about in Jersey?"
"Jersey City." Said Arzt, "You know what, I'm really not in the mood to talk so if you could just excuse me." Arzt grabbed his belongings and walked away.
"Sorry man. Jeez." Michael said, "Come on Walt, let's go check Vincent."
Arzt got into line to check his luggage. It was a LONG line, and Arzt's patience was wearing thin. A large man ran past Arzt to the front of the line.
"Excuse me, sorry." The man said as he pushed past people, "Sorry, this is an emergency. I've got to cut through. Excuse me, dude. Dude?" Arzt watched as the man argued with the security guard, and then finally walked away. Arzt was at his breaking point when the man in front of him pulled out a laptop from his bag.
"Now?" Arzt questioned, annoyed, "You're taking the computer out now?!"
Oceanic Flight 815, Sydney to Los Angeles
Arzt at last boarded the plane. He found his seat in the middle of the plane and sat down. He had one hell of a time getting to Sydney, one hell of a time in Sydney, and one hell of a time getting to this plane. But now, Arzt was sure his troubles were over. He looked back and saw young, blonde pregnant girl struggling with her luggage. A wave of kind calmness swept over Arzt, and he stood to help her.
"Here," he said, "let me get that for you." He took her bag and put it in the overhead storage compartment.
"Thank you." The girl said, "I'm Claire." She held out her hand and Arzt shook it.
"Nice to meet you Claire," replied Arzt, "I'm Dr. Arzt. Dr. Leslie Arzt."
"Leslie?" Replied Claire, "That's a bitchin' name."
Dr. Leslie Arzt
Few who knew him will truly miss him