I realize this is kinda late but I really wanted to write a story about what happened between Brittany and Santana over the summer before senior year. I know it's not a very original idea but I hope some people will read it anyway. I am currently not getting anywhere with my other story so I'm going to work on this too. Also, I apologize for any typos, I didn't proof read as much as usual.
Chapter 1 - Trouble sleeping
Thursday
The sun beat down on the pavement making it sizzle from the warmth. The grass on the lawns was starting to turn yellow and the streets were empty, as people would rather sit by a pool in the back yard or inside with the air conditioning turned up. Santana was walking down the empty streets towards Quinn's house, cursing herself for not taking her car, as she was sweating way too much to be comfortable. She hadn't actually realized it was this hot outside today.
It had only been two days since school went out and summer was here, something which should make Santana happy. However the fact that Brittany had left for Florida with her family for two weeks the day before was putting a damper on her mood. Because Brittany had to pack and fix things they hadn't really had a chance to talk properly either and Santana hated not knowing where they stood. Yes, she had been over to Brittany's house on the morning before but it had all been a massive chaos with sibling and parents running in and out of her room and they hadn't had a chance to talk about anything serious. She had only gotten a quickly whispered "We'll talk about everything when I get home" in her ear when Brittany hugged her and then the car had pulled out and driven off.
Like out of a clichéd movie or something the last thing Santana had seen was Brittany's sad and absolutely adorable smile and a wave from the back seat before the sun blinded her and the car was gone. So now for two weeks all she had to interpret their situation was the very vague: "Because of that, I think anything's possible."
What does that even mean? she thought for the 100th time as she took a right onto the road where the Fabray's lived. Were they friends or more than that? She was growing increasly hotter and she thanked god or whatever that Quinn had a pool and she herself had a bikini on underneath her shorts and tank top.
But as annoyed as she felt with Brittany being away deep down Santana was greatful in a way too. She hated being away from Brittany in every way possible but she also knew she had to figure her shit out and being away from Brittany might help make that easier. She knew she loved Brittany, that one was easy. At leasy now it was. But what was going to happen now? Was she brave enough to come out? She had hardly ever thunk about that but now that Brittany didn't have a boyfriend and they both knew they loved each other it felt like something she had to consider. She was far from sure that she could ever do it but would that mean she would lose Brittany? Would Brittany just want to be friends then? That thought scared her just as much (if not more) as the thought of telling eveyone she was gay. Because she was. That much she had figured out now. Or more accurate, that much she had dared admit to herself now.
Santana suddenly realized she was at Quinn's house, without really remembering how she had walked there. She moved up the graveled pathway to the door and then paused, hand halfway to the bell. She glanced down at her clock and realized it was only nine o'clock. She hadn't gotten much sleep last night, as her head was filled with so many different thoughts it was impossible to get any peace and quiet. Santana had told her brain to shut up countless times, but since her brain was obviously a Lima Heights top hoe too, it didn't really listen to her all that much. When she finally got to sleep she had only gotten a few hours before she woke up with a jolt for no apparent reason.
Fucking idiotic brain!
As it were she had been up before seven and eager to get to Quinn's to see if that would help. And that was shy she was stood outside Quinn's door at this ungodly hour. Quinn was probably asleep. After a seconds hesitation Santana shrugged and rung the bell anyway.
She and Quinn hadn't really hung out in a long time. A long time. But if there was just one good thing that had come out of that awful trip to New York and the humilitaing 12th place it was the fact that they had seemed to connect again. When she and Brittany had volunteered to give Quinn that makeover it had been fun and easy. Like the way things used to be with them. But there had also been something else there. Santana had sensed the quiet desperation in Quinn's voice when she talked to them on that hotel bed. Like there was something inside her that wasn't right, that was about to break. Like she had too many things on her mind. Kind of like Santana felt herself. And she thought Quinn had sensed the same thing about her when they locked eyes in the mirror later when Santana was cutting her hair. There was an understanding there between them that neither of them had ever felt before. So after Brittany had left the day before Santana had simply got out her cell and called Quinn and asked if she wanted to hang out the next day. Maybe Quinn actually could help her figure this out. Santana was about 90% sure that Quinn knew about Brittany and her and their complicated relationship anyway. And even if she didn't maybe she could start by telling one person? Wouldn't that be a good start?
Suddenly the door swung open and Santana was greeted with a half asleep Quinn, wearing an oversized t-shirt and pyjama pants with her hair up in a messy bun on her head. She looked pissed.
"Hey", she yawned and glared at Santana.
"Really Q, a t-shirt and pyjama pants? How the hell can you sleep in that, it's like a thousand degrees out?" Santana asked and gave Quinn a qucik hug before entering.
"Goodmorning to you too", Quinn muttered and closed the door. "I don't suppose you wanna tell me why you're here at god knows what time on the second day of summer break?"
Santana moved up the stairs before Quinn, planning to go up to Quinn's room and getting her friend in a bikini ASAP so she could get her bathing and tanning on.
"Couldn't sleep", she said simply. Then she wondered if she should explain. Maybe that's a good way to get into the whole thing? That is, if she actually wanted to talk to Quinn about it, something she wasn't sure she wanted. But Quinn beat her to it.
"Why? Since when do you have problem sleeping, Santana? Brittany had to beat you up with a pillow to get you out of bed during Nationals."
Santana smiled at the memory (which had nothing to do with being beaten up but more to do with the fact that Brittany had straddled her stomach in the process) before she answered truthfully.
"I just have a lot of my mind is all", she said quietly as she entered Quinn's room. She almost didn't dare to turn around to see Quinn's reaction but something made her do it. Quinn's face suddenly lit up as she got it.
"Oh!"
If Santana had any doubts about Quinn knowing before that look quickly erased them. There was an awkward silence and neither of them knew what they should say. Santana didn't want to have that conversation right then, when she was sweating and Quinn's room was hot as hell, so to break the tension she just opened the top drawer of Quinn's dresser and quickly found a bikini, tossing it in Quinn's face.
"Get dressed, I need to swim before I explode."
Quinn laughed and took the que that Santana didn't want to elaborate at the moment. She was always good at knowing when to let go of stuff, and Santana had never been more greatful for that quality than right then. Quinn started stripping off her clothes and Santana averted her glance, now wanting to get tempted to look at Quinn's body. Of course Quinn would never be as hot as Brittany but that didn't mean she didn't have a nice body. Not until Quinn chuckled did Santana look away from the ceiling to find Quinn dressed in her white bikini. Still she didn't say anything about it and once again Santana was immensly greatful for that.
"Come on then, let's go to the pool."
"Finally", Santana smiled and followed Quinn downstairs.
...
After cooling off in the pool the two girls laid out towels on the lawn chairs next to the pool and laid down. For a while they were both quiet, both lost in their own thoughts. Santana was contemplating if she should talk to Quinn about this or not, weighing the pros and cons in her head. On one hand she was simply just terrified of saying anything about this aloud and also she wasn't actually sure it would help her figure anything out. On the other, she just really felt she needed to talk to someone about it to make it clearer. And it was Quinn after all, it wasn't like she was going to judge. Santana had already opened her mouth and turned to Quinn twice before chickening out and closing it again so when she did it a third time Quinn had apparently had enough.
"Oh just spit out, Santana!"
"What did you say?" Santana glared at the blonde and she expected Quinn to immediately back down. But she suprised her.
"I said spit out", Quinn said in the same harsh tone. Then she added softer: "It's just me, and I already know so could you just spit out so I can maybe stop your head from exploding from all the overthinking."
Santana stared at her for a few seconds before regaining her composure and lying back down on the chair.
"Well is there really any point in me saying it if you already know everything, stalker-Fabray?" she snapped at Quinn.
"I didn't say I know everything, I just said I know about the two of you and you can talk to me about it. Oh and stalker-Fabray? Really? I'm not stalking you I just see what's obvious and in front of me."
Obvious? What is she saying? Is it that fucking obvious?
Santana shot out of the chair as her heart started to race in panic.
"What do you mean obvious? Do they know?! Fuck, Quinn, tell me, who knows about it?"
"Santana I didn't mean..." Quinn said desperatly and sat up. She was obviously trying to backpedal but Santana wouldn't have it.
"Who knows Quinn!? Oh god if it's that fucking obvious I bet they all know, I bet they're all laughing at me, judging me. Fuck!"
Tears started seeping from the corners of her eyes and she furiously tried to wipe them away.
"Santana calm down okay, I'm sure only the Glee club knows and they're not..."
"Only them, Quinn!? That's not only! Oh fuck this is just... I can't, Quinn, I just can't..."
Before she knew it she was dressed and bolted out of Quinn's yard, desperate to get away, without hearing a single word of what Quinn shouted behind her.
Friday
The next morning Santana woke up from a loud buzzing noise. It took her a few seconds to realize it was her phone buzzing around on the nightstand and she snatched it up. She saw Quinn's name on the display and dropped it with a loud sigh rolling over in bed once more. She hadn't gotten more than a few hours sleep that night either, as her mind was not only preoccupied with trying to figure everything out with Brittany, but also trying to calm down from the panic attack she had at Quinn's. How the hell was she supposed to do this if she had a panic attack about the Glee club knowing? They were the most tolerant bunch in the school and yet she was absolutly terrified of anyone of them finding out. Of finding her weakness. Her phone buzzed in the bed behind her again, this time signaling a text. She rolled over and picked it up, noticing that she had two missed calls and six texts. The missed calls were both from Quinn, as were five of the texts. The sixth was from Brittany so naturally Santana read that one first.
9. 07 am: Hey San! The weather's awesome here, were all lying by the pool righ now. I don't know why we have to be up so early but I'm not you so I have no problem with it. I wish you were here with me, even though you would probably still be sleeping. XX
Santana couldn't helt but to smile like an idiot. Brittany missed her. That had to be a good sign right? She typed out a quick reply before checking the texts from Quinn. They were less cheery.
8.38 am: Santana, please come over to mine today. Mom's not home, so we can talk. If you want.
9.05 am: Santana? Are you sleeping or just avoiding me? Please come over later.
9. 16 am: Come on, I just wanna talk to you!
9. 27 am: Santana, seriously just anwer me at least.
9.47 am: If you're not over here by 11 o'clock I'm coming over to yours.
Jesus, why is she up so early?
Santana typed out a reply before tossing her phone on the red sheets and climbing out of the bed.
9. 51 am: Calm down, I was sleeping! Why are you up so fucking early? I'll be over in an hour.
Ten minutes later Quinn answered.
10.02 am: An eye for an eye
Santana guessed that was her bibely way of saying it was payback for being woken up so early yesterday. Forty minutes later when she left her house, this time in her car, she had completly forgotten about the fact that Quinn hadn't given her a real reason as to why she was up so early.
...
Once again they were laid out on the wodden lawn chairs in Quinn's backyard. The sun shone on the water in the pool making it sparkle and Santana kept her gaze fixated on the water, rather than looking at Quinn. After a long time of quiet Quinn finally spoke.
"Do you want to talk about it?" she said softly.
Santana quickly glanced over at her and was grateful to find Quinn's gaze was fixed on the water as well, not on her. She stared into the depth of the pool as she answered.
"I guess. I don't know. I keep thinking I'm gonna come over her to talk about it with you but I just..."
"You're scared", Quinn filled in.
A soft breeze blew in over the yard making the water ripple.
"Yeah", Santana shrugged.
"Santana", Quinn said as she looked up at her. "I'm not gonna judge and I would never tell anyone if you didn't want me to. You can trust me."
Santana looked up and found only sincerity and love in Quinn's green eyes. She averted her gaze after a few seconds though, uncomfortable under Quinn's stare. She opened her mouth with her eyes on the water once again.
"I don't really know what to say. I don't know what you know."
"I guess I don't know so much. It's not like I've talked about it with either of you. I only know what I've seen when I've been close to you. But like, where do you guys stand now when neither of you are actually in a relationship? You're not together are you?"
"No. That's the thing, I have no idea and it's killing me. When never really got the chance to talk before she went away. She said we'd talk when she gets home. But, I don't even know what she wants, maybe she just wants us to be friends? She did choose him over me. I don't even..."
"Whoa, hold up!" Quinn interrupts. "What do you mean she choose him over you?"
Santana knew it was weird that she was actually opening up like this but deep down she trusted Quinn and she was so tired of keeping it all to herself. Brittany had always been there when she needed to talk, but it's not like she could talk with Brittany about her problems with Brittany. That's the downside of falling in love with your best friend. She was surprised thouugh how easily the words came now, although she didn't dare to look at Quinn when she spoke. It was like the lack of eye contact made it less real. It's the same tactic she used to use to not feel so guilty about sleeping with Brittany.
"I told her I loved her. And she choose him."
"That's insane! She loves you way more than she ever loved Artie! What did she say exactly?"
"Do you really think so?", Santana asked stunned and forgot her lack of eye contact tactic as she looked up.
"Yeah I am a 100% sure of that, S. Which is why I don't get it. What did she say?"
"She said she loved me too, but that she couldn't break up with him because it wouldn't be right. And she said if they were to break up she would be mine. Proudly so."
Santana had played this scene in her head so many times she practically remembered what Brittany said word for word.
Quinn sighed.
"God, why does she have to be so good all the time?" she muttered.
"Hey, don't talk about her like that!"
"I didn't mean it like that. It's just, the only reason she didn't want to break up with him was that she didn't want to hurt him..."
"I'm not sure that was the only reason, Quinn", Santana said quitely.
"What other reason would there be?"
"She knew I wasn't going to make it public and I don't think she wanted to trade a normal relationship for one when she has to hide it all the time", Santana choked out. She could feel the tears threating to spill over. To that Quinn didn't have an answer and Santana didn't want to talk about it anymore, as she was afraid she might actually start crying. So to stop the conversation she got up and dove down into the pool escaping down into the solitary quiet of the water.
Monday
For the next few days Santana's days only consisted of hanging out with Quinn and skypeing with Brittany. She didn't talk about anything serious with either of them, and Quinn didn't ask her anymore questions about it. It wasn't until Monday three days after their last conversation about it that Santana finally had worked up the nerve to talk about it some more.
"Do you think she wants to be with me, Quinn?" she suddenly asked quietly when they were sitting out in the back yard. The question had been nagging at her ever since Brittany left. Quinn put down her magazine and looked at her friend seriously.
"Yes, I do."
"How can you be so sure? Maybe she just wants to be friends. She did turn me down..."
"Santana, stop it!" Quinn interrupted her before she could rant on. "You're being crazy. She loves you, don't you get that? And she didn't choose him because she loves him more."
"I know but what if she's tired of waiting. It's not like I didn't have my chance after that either but I blew it. I just couldn't do what she wanted me to do."
"What do you mean?" Quinn asked surprised.
"After they broke up, I was gonna come on Fondue for Two, and she was gonna ask me to prom but I just freaked and I couldn't do it."
"Oh I remember that episode. She spent ten minutes lecturing her cat on the dangers of smoking because you didn't show. So you were actually going to come out then?"
"Mhmm."
"Santana, listen to me. She knows it's hard, I'm sure she knows it'll take some time for you."
"She knows I think it's hard, Quinn! She has no problem with people knowing she's bisexual whatsoever. I just wish I could feel like that."
"Has she told you she's bisexual?" Quinn asked.
"Yeah", Santana shrugged. "I mean she did love Artie. She's not like me, only being in relationships with boys to cover it up."
"Speaking of that, is that why you started to date Karofsky?"
"Hmm yeah no. In a way it was. But it was actually that..." Santana hesitated.
"What?" Quinn asked.
"I thought that if I was prom queen then I would be on top of the school and then maybe I could convince Brittany to be with me instead of Artie. I know it's stupid but I neeeded Karofsky to win."
When Quinn hadn't answered in a while Santana looked up. She looked like she wanted to laugh and like she had seen the worlds cutest puppy at the same time.
"I can't decide if that's the dumbest or the sweetest thing you've ever done, Santana", Quinn chuckled.
"Shut up, Fabray!"
"Jeez relax", Quinn said and looked a little hurt. Santana realized she migh have overreacted a tiny bit.
"Sorry", she muttered. "I haven't slept properly in like a week because my brain wont shut up. And I just miss her."
Quinn's face softened again.
"I know. So then this is probably a bad time to mention that Rachel's coming home from vacation on Friday and she's having a party for the Glee club?"
"Hellz no, Quinn! I am not going to that!"
"Santana, come on!"
"Nuhu! You can go hang out with Yentl all you want, I'm not going."
"I thought you vowed to always come up with a fresh nickname every time you talked about her", Quinn smirked.
"I'm tired so lay off."
"Santana, you're going! Do you think this is easy for me? She stole my boyfriend! Again!"
"He stole you from Trouty", Santana countered.
"Not the point. The point is I need this. Please, Santana. I think you need it too."
Quinn looked at her with puppy eyes. They weren't nearly as adorable as Brittany's but she caved anyway. Mostly because getting drunk would be a nice break and maybe shut her brain up for a while.
"Fine!"
Santana was too preoccupied with sulking to notice Quinn didn't look all that happy even though she had agreed.
Tuesday
It was 4 am on Tuesday night when Santana finally stopped fighting herself. She rolled around and picked up her phone from her nightstand and called Quinn. She scooted up so she was sat against the headborad and looked around her room that was lit up by the moonlight. It looked like shit.
After about twenty seconds Quinn answered.
"What, Santana!" she practically growled.
"What do I tell her Quinn? When she gets home and wants to talk what the hell should I tell her?"
Santana knew she sounded pathetic but she was so beyond the point of caring about that right now. She had been lying in bed for hours obsessing over how their conversation would go. What would Brittany say? Did she want to be just friends? And what could Santana say to convince her that wasn't an option? And if she did want to be something more, what exactly? Would she be okay with going back to the way they were? Somehow Santana didn't think so. Would Brittany want her to come out? What, just what, was she supposed to say to Brittany?
"Really Santana? You call me at 2 am just to ask that? You couldn't have waited till tomorrow?"
"No", Santana simply answered. It was the truth after all. She couldn't have waited another minute.
"Okay." Quinn seemed to hear the quiet desperation in Santana's voice because her own took on a much more serious tone when she answered. "But I can't tell you what you're going to say to her. Only you know that. What do you want the two of you to be? Friends?"
"No!" Santana answered quickly. "No, that's not enough."
"Girlfriends?"
"No. I don't know. Maybe."
"Santana?" Quinn said softly. "I think you need to figure out what you want for the two of you to know what to tell her."
Yeah, maybe Quinn was right. She had to to this in the right order. First, figure out what she wanted. Second, figure out how to tell her. Not get ahead of herself.
"Santana?" Quinn finally asked when she didn't get an answer.
"Yeah, sorry. Thank you, Quinn, that helped."
"No problem."
"Okay, well I think I'm gonna try and get some sleep. Oh and Quinn, I'm sorry I woke you up."
For a second Quinn didn't answer and Santana got a weird feeling that there was tension washing over her thorugh the telephone.
"Oh, it's fine, I'll just go back to sleep now."
Huh, that was a weird feeling. But I guess I must have imagined it.
"Goodnight, Quinn."
"Night, Santana. Are you coming over tomorrow?"
"Yeah I'll be over around 11."
"Good. Goodnight."
With that, Santana hung up and crawled under her covers once more. She was going to try and get at least a few hours of sleep.
Wednesday
Once again Santana was sitting in Quinn's back yard, trying to talk her out of going to Rachel's party.
"Come on, Quinn, there's got to be tons of other stuff that's more fun. Azimio's having a party!"
Quinn gave her a sceptical look.
"You'd rather go to a jock party than to meet up with your actual friends? I thought you'd gotten over that when we quit the Cheerios? Besides who do you think will be there for you the most when..."
"Do not, fucking finish that sentence!" Santana warned. "Don't you see Quinn, that's the whole problem? If I only hang out with the Glee losers then I'll be a fucking loser too! And then what's gonna stop people from ruining my life if I... when I..." Santana shook her head because she had no idea how to finish that sentence, before she continued. "I just need to be able to do this for her! And to be able to do it I need to not be a loser."
"As stupid as that sounds you've probably already made up your mind..." Quinn sighed before Santana cut her off.
"I have. I'm rejoining the Cheerios too."
"Okay that's your call." Quinn replied, not wanting to argue. "But S? You know you're supposed to come out for yourself, not Brittany?"
"I know that. But honestly Quinn, if I did this just for me I would never have the guts. I'm doing it for me, I am, but it's for her too."
Quinn smiled a little, realizing Santana was probably right before she realized what Santana had just said.
"So you're trying now? Like working up your nerve?"
The question made Santana stop to think. She hadn't actually realized it but yes her mind seemed to have made that decision for her now. She was talking about trying to come out. Working up her nerve, as Quinn had put it.
"I... I guess I am", she said surprised.
"Then I guess you know what to tell her when you talk about it", Quinn smiled.
"Yeah. I guess I do", Santana smiled.
"Look I still think you should go to Rachel's party on Friday. And then after that I'm not going to make you do it again. You can go to all parties with the jocks and the cheerleaders you want. But I really need you to go to this with me. Besides you already agreed. And if you back out I'm calling Brittany on you."
Santana knew the battle was lost then. Quinn would call Brittany if she refused to go and Santana had no way to say no to Brittany.
"That's just so low, Fabray", she muttered. Quinn smirked when she realized she had won.
Friday
"But Britt I don't want too!"
"Yes you do, you like them, you're just too stubborn to admit it", Brittany laughed into the phone.
It was Friday night and Santana was sitting on her bed and talking to Brittany even though she was supposed to be at Rachel's by now. And of course Brittany was right. As weird as it was she did like that stupid group of misfits. That just wasn't part of her image.
"You know me too well, Britt", Santana pouted, although she was secretly thrilled about that fact.
"I can't know you too well, San. Now come on, you're supposed to be there already."
"I wish you could come too", Santana said as she did what Brittany wanted and moved down the stairs to go to Rachel's stupid party.
"Me too. But there's only one more day left until I get home."
Santana paused halfway out of the door to her house.
"Wait I thought you were coming home on Thursday?"
Brittany giggled on the other end.
"Wait what's going on, Britt?"
"I bought a bus ticket home for tomorrow, but my parents don't know."
Brittany sounded like she thought she was some sort of criminal master mind and to be honest Santana thought so too at that moment.
"That's awesome! So you're just going to leave them?"
"Well I'll leave them a note or something", Brittany said like it was no big deal at all.
"God, you are so sneaky, Britt."
"Thought you liked that", Brittany said slyly and Santana was suddenly reminded of how longs it had been since she had sex.
"Please don't use that tone when I have to go out and not see you", she pleaded.
"Aw does someone miss me?" Brittany said in the exact same tone.
"You have no fucking idea."
"I miss you, too. But now I really have to go. But I'll see you tomorrow afternoon, I'm coming to your house when I get home. Bye!"
Brittany hung up and Santana stared at the phone in her hand. Tomorrow she was going to see Brittany. She wasn't sure if she was more nervous or excited. Either way it was going to be a long night.