Minor Annoyance
*Parody of Stephen King's "Misery"
Chris Mclean put down his steaming mug of coffee as he read through his final plan for the Total Drama Island reality show.
"I'm telling you, Mr. Producer, this show was one of the best things I've ever done, and it's still gonna have one heck of an ending. The way I'm figuring it is: I rig the final competition so that Owen wins instead of Gwen in next week's show. Nobody's gonna be expecting that!"
The producer on the other end shook his head sadly.
"You sure about this, Chris? I mean, the fans love the show, they love the contestants, and they love you. You could easily do another season if you wanted to, and nobody would stop you."
"Dude, one thing I've learned from this business: you've gotta know when to quit while you're ahead. I'm kinda getting burned out on reality TV, to tell you the truth. Next time, I think I'm gonna go back to my one true love: historical docu-dramas!"
"Uh, yeah…good luck with that. Anyway, we'll be right here at the studio until closing time if you'd like to run your big idea for the season finale by us."
"Sweet! I'll be there in 10!"
"Wait! Before you go, I should probably warn you about the-"
Click
"-incoming snow storm."
Chris soon began to regret having hung up so soon, as visibility soon diminished to nil and he was hard put to keep his luxury sedan going in a straight line. The curvaceous mountain roads soon had their way with Chris like a bunch of frat boys on an innocent drunk chick. All of a sudden, a lone shadowy figure appeared right in the middle of the road. Chris tried to turn away, but the figure seemed to move as well, always right in front of him and always seconds away from becoming roadkill. One final jerk of the steering wheel proved one too many, as it went careening over the edge of the mountain cliff, plummeting into the depths below. Even before he hit the ground, Chris knew that his life was over.
Everything was blurry. A human figure was standing over him, but all he could hear was the same phrase being repeated over and over again:
"I'm your number one fan. I'm your number one fan. I'm your number one fan."
Chris's eyes came into focus, and he saw before him an old friend, a former contestant of Total Drama Island, in fact: a girl named Beth. Not exactly the prettiest pig in the sty (if you'll pardon the expression), the homely bespectacled girl had apparently found him and dragged him to safety. Looking down, Chris could see that his legs had been crudely splinted together, and he couldn't even think about moving them without feeling pain.
"Oh, Beth! Dude! Am I ever glad to see you!"
A strange taste around the edges of his mouth drew his attention. He licked his lips tentatively.
"I taste lipstick. Am I wearing lipstick?"
"Hee hee. Not anymore."
Wanting desperately not to continue the disturbing semi-conversation, Chris hastily changed the subject.
"So…where are we right now, anyway? If you're here, then we must be at Playa des Losers. You know, where all the campers are sent after they take the Boat of Losers?"
Beth's smile betrayed only the slightest hint of an ulterior motive as she replied.
"Actually, I'm kinda…not needed there any more. I left the island not too long ago and I retreated here into the mountains. Lucky for you, I was right there nearby when your car went over the cliff the way it did."
Fuzzy patches of memories flashed through Chris' mind like a strobe light. The sudden snowstorm…his loss of control at the wheel…those last few seconds before the final sickening crunch.
"Aww, man! The accident! I remember now! And just as I was about to deliver the final draft for the season finale to the producers!"
Beth's ears perked up.
"You know how you're going to end the season? Ooh! Would you mind if I took a little peek at it?"
Sleep began to tug at Chris' brain once more, so his mind was fuddled as he replied.
"Sure. What the heck. Go…nuts…"
The next thing Chris knew, someone was slamming an enormously thick pile of papers into his broken leg. Beth's lips foamed and splattered everything with spittle as she shrieked at him.
"Get up! I read the script, you dirty birdie! How could you? Gwen was working so hard to win for her and Trent, and then you come along and arbitrarily decide to just let her go?! Well, I say NO!"
She slammed the pile down again multiple times for effect and Chris screamed in agony.
"GAAHHH!! Beth, dude, there's nothing more I can do about it. GAAHH!! I've gone as far as I can with TDI! We-we all could use a little break!"
"A little break, huh? You don't even want to know what I'm feeling like breaking."
From a corner of the room, Beth grabbed a portable desktop and dropped it right in Chris' lap.
"Now you are going to stay right here and write up a new season ending. No matter how long it takes."
Something in the way she said it made it very clear to Chris that Beth would not take no for an answer.
Days passed. Without Chris around to deliver the final challenges, he was sure that Gwen and Owen were helpless, left behind on Camp Wawanakwa while he slowly toiled under Beth's glaring eye. Soon, he was able to move about on his own, albeit slowly. While Beth slept, Chris used the remains of a chair he had secretly busted like crutches to sneak around the local area. One night, he found that Playa des Losers was easily within walking distance of his prison, so he went there.
The scene was horrific. The once cheery resort was now an impromptu graveyard for all the former contestants. Bloodstains and broken glass were everywhere, indicating some sort of struggle. Heather had been stabbed repeatedly before being left floating face down in the pool, the occasional other girl who was prettier than Beth being thrown in later as an afterthought. All around them were the bodies of their slain co-competitors. As he wandered from scene of carnage to scene of carnage, Chris mourned each one individually.
"Tyler…"
"Cody…"
"Duncan…Dude, and you just got here!"
What with Beth having cut the phone lines and all, Chris hastened back to the cabin before Beth could realize he was gone.
With every new draft of the finale, Beth grew more and more angry. Soon Chris knew that, whenever he finished, she would kill him. Beth may have been the only one with knives and blowtorches and things, but Chris had the weapon of time on his side. If he kept himself missing for long enough, someone would have to pass by in their search for him. As he finished the painstaking process of rewriting an entire TV show script by hand for the…how many times now had he done this? Chris could no longer remember. But, anyway: He had just finished when a sudden clamor from the doorway broke his concentration. The front door had just been kicked in, and a quite familiar Army Corporal's face had come to set him free.
"Chef! Dude! Oh, thank the heavens it's you!"
"So this where you been at? The producers got us searchin' everywhere."
"Dude, no time! We've gotta get out of here before-"
BLAM!
Before his very eyes, Chef's head exploded in a nauseating fireworks display of grey matter and skull meat.
"-Beth comes back."
At long last, after umpteen tries, Chris had finally completed a finale challenge that satisfied his crazy tormentor. The fact that she hadn't struck him or stabbed him spoke volumes towards the effect.
"Beth, dude, I'm gonna level with you. You're crazy, and I'm getting re-he-he-heally sick of having to rewrite the TDI season finale over and over again. I can see you like what I've done with it and my legs are all better, so can I just go now or what?"
Beth smiled, but more impishly than sadistically this time.
"Oh, I'm afraid that I can't let you go, Chris. If I let you go, you'll just tell everyone that I killed everyone and that I took you hostage and tortured you and harvested your seed while you were sleeping."
She hastily clapped a hand over her mouth, but it was too late. Chris' mouth hung open in shock.
"You did what?!"
Completely shattering the fourth wall, Beth looked the reader of the fanfic square in the eyes and spoke directly to them.
"Uh…I think now's about as good a place as any to end the fanfic, don't you think so?"
THE END