Things were getting awkward.
Jacob and I had been friends for over a year and a half, but lately the easy-going, laid-back relationship we always had became harder. This was due to Jacob's not so obvious crush on me. It wasn't that I didn't see Jacob that way; he was gorgeous. However, I was just scared. It terrified me to actually be in a romantic relationship again. My last one hadn't ended well.
I was completely over Edward now; nothing would ever remove the love we shared. But I was scared by starting something with Jacob because I didn't want to make myself vulnerable by giving him all of my trust, just for him to leave me. I had been broken once, and that was something I never wanted to experience again.
I was being stupid. Silly Bella always over-analysing everything. Jacob loved me. If he didn't, he wouldn't have stuck around and persisted with my crazy erratic behaviour. He even stood by me even when he turned into a werewolf. Even with everyone telling him he shouldn't, he didn't let anything come between us.
Rejecting him over and over didn't sway Jacob, so maybe he really was dedicated and committed to me. But that fear in the back of my mind was too hard to ignore. Plus, if Jacob imprinted on some beautiful girl, he wouldn't want me anymore. He would go away with her, leaving me stuck heartbroken in Forks with nobody to console me this time. That was something my heart couldn't take.
"Ok, Bella. Stop it, you're going to drive yourself crazy." I said to myself, as I passed the sign informing everyone that you were driving into La Push.
I wasn't getting anywhere. I had convinced myself that today was the day that I was going to give myself to Jacob, if he still wanted me. I desperately tried to push all of my fears out of my mind, telling myself that they were unjustified. Jacob wasn't Edward. Not even close. But who was I kidding. I was just scared of being so exposed to someone else, who had the potential to rip my heart out.
I didn't know what our relationship was going to be like after this. I hope it was just going to be the same as always; just us hanging out, having a good time in Jacob's garage. Old times.
I could see Jacob's little red house in the distance, drawing closer. I knew in a few minutes Jacob would be able to hear my truck, thundering up the road.
My truck pulled to a stop. I was surprised that Jacob didn't rush out to see me like he had always done. He had told me to be at his place Friday after school. It was strange, so I just walked up to the front door.
I almost didn't knock, as Jacob's house almost felt like my own home, but I figured I didn't want to be rude.
"Well, hello Bella." Billy said and gestured with his hand for me to come inside.
"Umm, is Jake here? He told me to come around today."
"Yeah, he told me to tell you that he's out back in the garage." Billy informed me. "You should go meet him."
"Ok, thanks Billy." I said as I walked out the front door, closing it behind me, and making my way out to Jacob's garage.
I heard the music before I was even there. I chuckled to myself, that's why Jacob didn't come out to greet me. I recognised the tune as Taylor Swift's, "Love Story." I'm not going to let him live this down. Jacob constantly teased me about whatever he could; well he is going to experience some payback from Miss Bella Swan, I thought cheekily to myself. What was even more hilarious; Jacob singing along quite obvious off key
When I reached the garage, I found Jacob hidden beneath the car. I guess he wasn't expecting me so soon, because I never knew he liked "girl's music", as he put it. I guess he was oblivious to my presence. I snuck up to the CD player, and hit stop, so that the only sound emanating from the garage was Jacob's awful singing voice. He stopped abruptly when he noticed the music was playing anymore.
"Hello?" he said coming out from underneath the car.
"Hey, American Idol. What 'cha doing stealing your sisters CD's?" I joked.
"Hey Bella." He said unfazed by being caught in a seriously embarrassing situation for a teenage guy. "Nah, you love it," he teased back, getting out and giving me one of his familiar bear hugs that I love so much.
"How are you," I asked
"I'm good now that you're here," he replied.
As he slid under the Rabbit again, I pulled up a milk carton to sit on while I waited for him to finish.
"I'm almost done here. How would you like to go for a walk on the beach once I'm done?"
"Yeah, that sounds good," I replied.
For once the weather was actually nice. The sun was out, and only a light blanket of white, fluffy clouds hung in the sky. But with Jacob, even on miserable days, I still had my sun. I didn't have to wait long, Jacob worked very productively.
I was going to tell him. I was going to tell him now, I thought as Jacob hopped out of the Rabbit as we were already at the beach. Ok, maybe not now. In a minute, I told myself fidgeting with my hands and looking anywhere but at Jacob. Why was I so nervous?
"You okay?" he asked sounding concerned.
"Yeah, fine." I told him. From his expression I could tell that he didn't believe me.
I'm going to do it, I'm going to do it, I'm going to do it, I chanted to myself as we were walking down the beach. What's the worst that could happen? He could reject me. Oh no! What if he is sick of me pushing him away? What if he didn't want to be the only Quileute dating a white girl? What would the tribe think? No, your being stupid. Just tell him the truth, and it will be all fine. But what if he does reject me? I put myself on the line, by telling him my feelings, and he knocks me back because he wants someone who isn't scared by the past. Stop thinking, your only making it worse I told myself.
"Jake, I need to tell you something," I blurted out before I could change my mind.
He looked at me quizzically, "Sure."
I almost wished I hadn't said anything. His grabbed hand, which was already in mine, and pulled him towards our tree. The one where we first sat when he told me the scary stories. It was like our refuge. Some kids had a cubbyhouse, we had our tree. I know that sounds really lame, but it was a place which was ours and ours only.
He looked at me expectedly as if waiting for me to continue. I couldn't say anything; my voice was stuck in my throat. I tried to stop myself from hyperventilating, so I looked towards the ocean, and hoped that my blushing wasn't so conspicuous.
"Bells, spill." He said plainly, taking my face in his hands, forcing me to look me directly into his beautiful, dark brown eyes, which were already piercing into mine.
"Ok. Well, I don't know how to say this…" I trailed out.
"Bells, you don't need to be embarrassed. It's just me. You know that you can tell me anything. I won't judge you." He said. His words made me feel a little bit more secure. He cared about what my problems were, and he wasn't going to shy away from anything I said. Just say it Bella.
"It's about Edward." I started and his face instantly reflected sympathy. I guess he understood wanting someone you could never have. Not to the same extent that I did, but he could understand.
"No, its ok," I interrupted him from saying anything so I could continue. "I've well, gotten over it. I still love him, of course. I always will. He was my first love; nobody can ever replace how I feel about him in my heart. But, I'm sick of my life revolving around a ghost. I shouldn't have to live my life based on the past."
Jacob was staring intently into my eyes. He was such a good friend, always listening, respecting me, being my shoulder to cry on. I was scared to go on, but I did.
"You have always been there for me. Even when I was depressed, crazy Bella, who went around trying to be Evil Kenevil." I smiled without humour at the memory.
"And well, I just…well…wanted you to know how much you mean to me. That I couldn't imagine life without you. I don't want to."
I grabbed Jacob upper arm, gently caressing it with mine, hoping that he would understand what I was implying. But, he just stared at me. I guessed he didn't get it, so I took my hand from his arm and placed it gently on the side of his face, stroking it gently with my thumb.
"So…you mean…you and me?" he questioned me in utter disbelief.
"Yeah." I simply replied.
A smile broke out across his face, like watching the sun break out across the sea from a gloomy, monotonous night. It was my smile that I love so much. His entire face lit up, his eyes glowing with pure joy.
I felt myself relax, Jacob still wanted me. The hours I spent dwelling over this seemed silly now. Being together with Jacob had always been easy, so why would it change?
Jacob took my hand from off of his face, and wound his fingers through it. He pulled me close up against his side, and I snuggled into his warmth, feeling loved, safe, warm and utterly content.
"Are you doing anything Saturday," Jacob asked me after a few minutes of silence.
"No," I smiled back at him. "Why? Are you asking me on a date, Jacob." I joked, playing dumb.
"I don't know. Only if you want," he giggled along with me.
"Yeah, I'm free. So, where are we going?"
"Oh, it's a surprise." He told me cryptically.
"Hey, you know I hate surprises." I argued as I wacked him playfully with my hand.
"Exactly."
"Please," I asked trying to use my best attempt at puppy dog eyes. But he just laughed.
"Oh please, Bells. The only one out of the two of us, who can actually pull of puppy dog eyes, is me." He stated.
"Fine," I sighed in defeat. There was so no arguing with Jacob. He was so damn stubborn, which was one of his qualities I loved.
We sat in companionable silence, just listening to the waves crash onto the beach and the soothing wind blow the trees leaves, back and fourth. It was getting dark and I knew I had to get home to fix Charlie's dinner. But, as if Jacob could read my mind, he got up, taking my hand and pulling me to my feet. We headed back to the Rabbit with my hand buried in his large grasp. He didn't say anything, but every time I looked at him, he was looking at me. He just smiled a radiant smile and I couldn't help but to return it. His smiles were always contagious.
When we arrived back at Jacob's house, he walked me to my truck.
"So, tomorrow, I'll pick you up at 6.00."
"Okay," I replied. He couldn't wipe the smile off of his face.
He opened the door of the truck, so I got in.
"Have a good night," he said before I pulled out of his drive way.
I smiled to myself the entire way home. I was feeling so light and giddy, so I turned on the radio and started to sing along. Jacob had installed one a while ago, but didn't want to say anything about it because I had told him once about why it was destroyed. He knew bring it up would make me sad, so he didn't.
I was a little bit disappointed that Jacob didn't kiss me on the beach, it would have been perfect. Just like out of a movie, but it didn't diminish my elation. I actually wounded what it would be like to kiss someone. I mean, really kiss. Not like the little pecks that Edward gave me. Someone human who didn't have to worry about teeth covered in venom. I didn't know what the warmth would feel like. I'd only ever kissed cold lips, but the anticipation in my stomach made me excited.
"I Gotta Feeling," by the Black Eyed Peas was blaring out of my car as I pulled up at home. I didn't care that the rest of the street heard my horrible singing, I felt too good to care.
I decided just to hum inside, as Charlie was home.
"Hey, Dad. I'll get dinner on now." I called out trying to act normal.
Charlie actually got up of the couch and came into the kitchen to see me.
"Well, you're in a good mood." He noted.
"Yes," I said and smiled at him.
"I take it you had a good time with Jake."
"Yes, I did."
"It sounds like Jake had an equally good time." Charlie said knowingly, and walked out to the television.
I just giggled and continued humming while I made Charlie's favourite, fish. While that was cooking, I decided to make an apple pie for desert. After dinner I went to my room to pick out my outfit for tomorrow. Smiling until my cheekbones hurt. It just felt so good to be euphoric.