Disclaimer: I don't own any of them.
Notes: Okay, so I made this inane comment to a friend once that I would write a funny death-fic, and here we are. Um... yeah, so there is a bit of Kaoru bashing here. Don't think I don't like her... I like her at times. I usually have this thing against killing off main characters, so this is atypical for me. Here's to all those out there who would not mind seeing Kaoru just drop over dead--and those of you who don't like that, you might find this amusing anyway.
Fitz
Uh... She's Dead, Guys
The sun was shining, a cool breeze making the previously hot day pleasant. Kenshin, Kaoru, Sanosuke, and Yahiko had just spent a nice hour in the Akabeko, catching up on the gossip and enjoying their meal. Now, they walked along the street, chatting cheerfully. And then...
THUD
"Oro?"
Kenshin's startled exclamation drew everyone's attention, and they turned to see what had surprised him. It was Kaoru. She had fallen and was presently laying an a rather undignified heap on the ground. Her eyes were closed, and she did not look like she would be moving anytime soon.
"Oi," Sanosuke bent over her uncertainly. He nudged the girl with his toe. "Jou-chan. You okay?"
"Leave her," Yahiko suggested. "She'll catch up."
"That's not nice, Yahiko," Kenshin crouched beside the girl's crumpled form. "Kaoru-dono might be hurt, de gozaru."
He touched her forehead, but it was cool. His fingers went for the pulse, and he blinked.
"Oro!"
Kenshin felt around, his fingers searching Kaoru's neck, then her wrists. Finally, he pressed his hand to Kaoru's chest, over her heart.
"Oi, Kenshin," Sanosuke grumbled. "What's wrong?"
"Kaoru doesn't have a pulse, de gozaru."
"She's dead?"
"It appears so," Kenshin shrugged. "No heartbeat either."
"Dead?!" Yahiko screeched. "She can't be dead!"
"Why not?" Sanosuke challenged.
"Sano has a point, Yahiko," Kenshin agreed. "She doesn't have a pulse. No heartbeat usually means a person is not alive. And not alive tends to mean dead... de gozaru."
"B-b-but--!"
Sanosuke smacked Yahiko upside the head.
"Spit it out, kid!"
"I haven't finished my training yet!" Yahiko blurted. "Now who will teach me?!"
"There's a dojo down the street that teaches a style very similar to Kaoru-dono's Kamiya Kasshin Ryu, de gozaru," Kenshin offered. "You could try there."
"You think?"
"Sure."
"You still going gambling with me, Kenshin?" Sanosuke wondered.
"Of course, de gozaru yo!" Kenshin smiled pleasantly.
"What do we do with Kaoru?" Yahiko asked.
"Leave her," Sanosuke waved his hand dismissively. "Someone will come pick up the body."
"Really?" Yahiko frowned. "They won't make us do it?"
"It's summer, de gozaru," Kenshin pointed out. "The body will start to smell if someone doesn't pick it up. It will get done, de gozaru."
"Cool!" Yahiko grinned. "Okay. I'm going to go see if I can enroll in that other school!"
"Have fun, Yahiko," Kenshin waved.
"Come on, Kenshin," Sanosuke hooked his arm around Kenshin's neck, dragging the smaller man along. "Let's go toss the dice."
"Oro!" Kenshin stumbled after him.
Kaoru just laid motionless on the street, dead as the proverbial doornail. A large crow swooped down to perch upon her head, apparently deciding that her hair would make a nice nest. The people went about their businesses, and they all lived happily ever after. The End.
More notes: *Twitch* Can't… handle… so many… de gozaru's… Right, so it's not very realistic, I'm sure. Oh for an author who leans toward angst/drama fics to be writing with such a droll style. It's scary. Somehow all my drama fics turn out stupid. So here, at least it doesn't matter if it's stupid. It's supposed to be dumb! Yay. Anyhoo… I had a point. Oh, please review my fics. I just get this warm, fuzzy feeling when people do that. Flames… I don't think we need to go into that. Most people know how authors feel about those. In this particular fic, I can handle a flame. I admit. It really stunk. Whew! Will someone pick up this body?!