A/N: Hello again!
Thank you to all who reviewed the last story I posted, its very much appreciated! There is another chapter in the works and I'm not entirely sure when it will be posted nor where it's headed but I'm sure we'll figure that out together. I'm also taking prompts, so feel free to message me with anything you'd like to see.
This number is just an angsty little thing that wouldn't leave me the heck alone. If you haven't seen the end of season 4, this is very spoilery. I hope you enjoy this and as always feel free to review, PM.
I'm also over on tumblr now, with the same handle, so feel free to pop over there if that's an easier platform for you!
Anyway, I'll shut up now!
xo
Drive Safely
The little red box was beside the now empty bottle of bourbon that Will and he had started on when they'd gotten back from the bar. The bar that Erin hadn't showed up to, despite the five missed calls, three text messages and the voice mail he'd left her, asking her how she was and how things had gone. He'd known, logically, that the news hadn't been good news. He'd reasoned that it wasn't something that Hank couldn't work out, as much as he and the older man didn't always see eye to eye – Erin was like his daughter and Hank would always do what was best for her.
Will had passed out on the sofa, half-filled glass still in his hand having drank much more than Jay himself had. They both apparently had demons to drown tonight. Jay merely shifted in his seat, leaning over slightly to put his glass on the small wooden table and picking up his phone and pressing the power button, frowning again when it only showed the photograph of them, curled together against the chill. He checked the time and ran a hand over his head, clearing his throat, stifling a smile and a laugh when Will mumbled something about Big Bird, the moment of levity causing a burn in his chest.
It wasn't usually Will talking in his sleep that made him smile; the cause was usually some muttered affection from a smaller, much more feminine form as she rolled over onto her back up chest/knee pillows, but with her hand resting on his chest, the movement enough to wake him up and lull him back to sleep. Something he'd been sorely missing recently. Usually when things got heavy, when the weight of what he'd carried around from a child and the added baggage of his time in the desert, he'd slip into bed with her and hold her a little closer and a little tighter. He'd decided this time; however, to make the jump and to get himself some help to get out of the hole he'd gotten into this time; before it got blackout bad. He'd gotten help this time before he lost everything, before he and Erin had gone from working well to completely fractured.
He understood she wanted to help him carry the weight, to shoulder the burden of his past in the same way he'd always silently helped her and he wanted nothing more than to do that. To stay. To curl up around her and let her help him heal. He just couldn't do that to her. He couldn't inflict the unknown onto her because that was his problem he didn't know what was wrong, what was causing him to feel the surge of panic at the most random moments of the day. Well Jay knew the big reason, knew what his doctors had said, but he couldn't break it up into small enough chunks to deal with.
The group he'd been going to once a week had others who felt the same way, sometimes he'd talk a little bit and sometimes he'd talk a lot. After the first couple of weeks, he'd found his brother leaning against his car, with a coffee in his hand, waiting for him. Sometimes, on the days that he'd spoken the most, they'd sit in silence and it was enough to know that Will was there this time. When he'd barely spoken, the words too big to fit past the lump in is throat, he and will would go and work out in Antonio's gym, or go for a run, because Will understood that sometimes he just needed to smash things like this with a sledge hammer before he dealt with them.
Which is why, after checking his phone again and seeing nothing, Jay Halstead stood and tidied up the small mess, picking up the ring box and slipping it into his pocket as he did so. When everything was squared away, he gently moved his older brother onto the sofa properly and took his glass from him, draining the amber liquid and walking into the kitchen to tidy that away, too. He almost dropped the glass when his phone buzzed in his pocket, shaking hands placing the glass on the counter and retrieving the phone with shaking hands, heart sinking when it wasn't her number that lit up the screen, but a text from Al. His hand shaking harder when he opened the message, vision blurring when he read over the words, a ragged breath falling from his lips because this wasn't what he thought would happen. Wasn't how this was supposed to go.
The ring burned a hole in his pocket as he reread Al's message. Short and to the point, as all of Al's communications were. Erin is going to New York. Effective immediately. No pleasantries, no unnecessary information. Just the cold hard facts. Jay reached out a hand to steady himself against the counter, reminding himself to breath; in and out. In and out. In and out. He tried to remember the things that one of the other veterans at group had said about grounding himself; 5 things he could see: well, when he opened his eyes he could see the empty bottle of bourbon, the two glasses on the counter, the mug Will had bought him for his last birthday and the fruit bowl. 4 things he could touch; The counter, his phone, his shirt that Erin had bought him, and the ground beneath his feet. 3 things he could hear: Will snoring softly in the other room, the sirens off in the distance, the tap dripping no matter how hard he'd tried to turn it off.
His eyes moved to the offending object, glaring at it as though it had purposefully decided to irk him tonight. It was only then, before he could engage his other senses, that he felt calm enough to stand on his own two feet, that he didn't feel like he was going to throw up or his knees would give way underneath him. It was only when he glanced down at the now dark screen that he realized what he needed to do. Shoving his phone into his pocket, and moving to the front door to pull his shoes on and grab for his keys and hoodie. He hadn't had enough to drink that he was buzzed, but he still wasn't taking the car. Which only left one thing. He would literally have to run.
It wasn't the first time he'd done this; wasn't the first time he'd decided to run a loop from his old apartment to hers, and if he was honest, it wasn't the first time this week he'd made the loop from here to her place, just to check that she'd gotten home safely, worried that she'd slip into old habits. He was sure that Hank wouldn't let it happen, but he'd promised to always have her back and this distance wouldn't change that. He looked between Will and the door before shaking his head and deciding to call Al, call in a favour. He decided to do the one thing that he hadn't done in a long time, he decided to ask for help.
Jay was frantically tapping his foot and cracking his fingers when they reached her building, eyes widening when he saw the trunk of her car open, her neighbour slipping a box into it, joined by Erin a second later before he disappeared back into the building after Erin had held up a finger; one box? One bag? One Minute? Jay didn't know, all he did know was time was something he didn't have any more and with a silent nod to Al, an unspoken thank you as he slipped out of the car and crossed the street. He put the fact he was having troubling finding the words into being breathless from the short jog across the street.
It was clear that he'd startled her, the wide eyes and the colour draining from her face as he got closer causing his heart to race. It was apparent she didn't want him there, or she didn't expect him to be there, one of the two, because she couldn't look him in the face and her hands were shaking, even in the dim light there in the street.
"Erin –"
"—Jay."
They both laughed slightly, a sad chuckle falling from their lips at just how broken and wistful those three syllables had sounded. His name used to sound like hope when she said it, now it sounded like pain, almost like she had swallowed shredded glass, her usual husk sounding painful and not comforting as it normally was.
"Just, hear me out." He said, holding up a hand. He'd been trying to do this all day, but for whatever reason, it hadn't worked. Just as he opened his mouth again, she took a step forward and pressed a finger against his lips, her eyes were wide and red rimmed as her hand planted on his chest.
"Jay." She said it again and there was a little bit of hope, a little light at the end of the tunnel they'd been on and he swallowed as she tilted her head to one side, eyes softening and giving him the same smile she'd given him when he first told her he loved her, then the clouds drifted into her gaze and her other hand came up, smoothing over his chest before she gripped onto his hoodie, where the zip was still open and she couldn't look at him anymore, tear filled eyes were everywhere but on him.
He opened his mouth a couple of times to say something, anything, but nothing would come out and he found himself wrapping his arms around her and pulling her close to him; just to feel her there. Jay held her close, memorizing everything about her face, just like he'd done a million times; her eyes, the curve of her lips, the way she felt tucked safely in his arms like this.
It was Erin who eventually broke the silence, a soft chuckle as she reached up to cup his jaw, a clear indication that she was doing the same thing he was. "I want to stay here, with you." She told him, voice almost breaking as he flashed back to the night he left the apartment. "I love you, but I can't." she shook her head sadly and he only lifted his hand from the small of her back to cup her cheek and to wipe away the one tear that had fallen.
"I love you, too." He told her earnestly because everything else he wanted to say was stuck; was irrelevant. Erin needed to go. Whatever trouble Bunny had gotten her into was too much for Hank to get them out of and this was the one thing she could do to make it easier. He wanted to say the words, drop down on one knee in this cold ass city and plead with her to stay, wanted to find Voight and hand over his badge and tell her he'd be on the next flight. But she hadn't asked. They needed time and time had run out.
Jay felt his legs beginning to shake, his hand trembling as he felt her lean into him more, seeking his warmth and he did the only thing he could do; he cradled her to him. He held her close enough that she could maybe absorb everything he felt for her; he held her close enough that he could feel the chill from her cheek seep through the shirt he was wearing. They stood like that, her tucked neatly under his chin as she held him as tightly as he was holding her, long enough for Jay's hands to get numb and him to become painfully aware of the fact he was wearing a hoodie and not the heavier jacket he usually wore. They stood long enough that he was sure he'd never warm up, her breathing even now on his chest, as she clutched the material of the jacket he had on before pulling back and stepping out of his arms.
"I have to go," he barely heard her voice, the words softly spoken and only then did he realize that the neighbour hadn't come back out. He nodded once, clearing his throat before he could speak again.
"I know." He nodded, licking his lips and running a hand over his hair, fingers tracing his hairline. "Just, before you go." He stuttered and stepped forward, pressing his lips against hers, hand gently cupping her face. There was a slight hesitation on her part and he almost pulled away again but her fingers were fisting in the material of the hoodie and pulling him close as they poured everything into that kiss; everything that they couldn't say; should say, wouldn't say.
He stuttered out a breath when they pulled back and she looked at him; dazed but ultimately, he saw the resolution in her eyes and knew that this was it; this was the moment she would get into her car and leave.
"All set?" Jay asked, instantly hating how vulnerable he sounded, how lost he felt as she opened her mouth to say something only to notice the last bag she was taking had been left just behind Jay. He followed her line of sight and raised an eyebrow at the duffle, unsure how it had gotten there but knowing it was his because he had one the exact same; a gift she'd bought him when they were planning on going away for the weekend. They both moved at the same time to pick it up, a nervous laugh falling from her lips as she stepped back to allow him to pick it up and it hit him hard knowing he wouldn't be hearing that laugh daily anymore.
The small red box pushed into his thigh as he bent and grabbed the bag, hoisting it up and into her trunk, swallowing when she pulled it closed. He could ask her, he could mention to her that it was something they could aim for; work towards. He'd seen it on TV before where the guy had given the girl the box for the ring as a promise. He could do that; but then again he'd rather give her the ring and tell her that it didn't mean they had to get married right now, that he'd wait however long she needed. However long they needed. It seemed like a plan, but by the time he'd decided on it, he had somehow managed to follow her to the side of her car and had opened the door for her and was watching her climb in and everything was moving so quickly and it was too late.
Her breath hitched when she looked up at him, his hand still on the top of the door, hers on the handle as she sat in her seat, those eyes that had broken him and put him back together so many times were now barely readable in the darkness. Jay could feel the tears, hot and heavy, filling his eyes and he was determined not to ruin this; not to have her see him cry in her rear-view because she was leaving enough behind, she was making a big enough sacrifice here. He didn't want her carrying the weight of guilt with her that she'd left him crying in a Chicago street.
"I'm a phone call away, Erin."
"I know." She nodded, her bottom lip begging to tremble and he cleared his throat, stepping back slightly. "Don't stop going to those meetings, okay?" Erin told him with a small nod, a smile and a stray tear. Jay nodded an affirmative, letting go of the door and stepping clear out of the way to allow her to close her door.
"Drive Safely." He instructed, getting the same nod in return as she closed the door and started the engine, pulling out into the street and for the second time Jay Halstead watched as Erin Lindsey's tail lights lit up the street as she drove away from where he stood, with his mother's ring once again clutched in his hand.