Better left unsaid
It was quite the irony to be breaking into a thief's home, thought Klaus as he picked the lock of a small side door.
His lock-picking skills were hardly Eroica level, but they would suffice for this occasion. Security was rather lax at Castle Gloria, since Eroica believed that anything someone stole from him, he could always steal back; besides, his underworld connections ensured that no petty criminal in his right mind would ever target his lavish residence. And even if Klaus wasn't completely noiseless while picking the lock it mattered little, since there was no one at home; he had made sure of that.
It had required some planning, but he had artfully arranged for two separate but equally bogus rumors to reach Eroica through different channels but around the same time: one, that a hitherto unknown and unplundered pharaoh's tomb had just been unearthed in South Egypt, and two, that he himself would be near the excavation area for a mission. Lured by the irresistible combination of a hunt for priceless and extremely flashy ancient Egyptian jewellery (yuck) and a romantic encounter with the object of his desires on the banks of the Nile (double yuck), Eroica had loaded his gang on the Zeppelin and departed for Egypt last night; before boarding the plane for England, Klaus had confirmed that it was sighted approaching Alexandria. Even if he had turned back the very next moment, there was plenty of time for the Major to conclude his self-appointed mission and be long gone by the time he got back.
His mission wasn't to steal, of course. If there was anything to gain here it was solely his own peace of mind, which Eroica had stolen years ago (along with a tank, a belt and various other items) and had yet to restore.
Klaus would never have embarked on this burglary attempt - which was completely out of character for him – were it not for the thief's harassment which had reached entirely new levels lately. Meddling in his missions aside, these days Eroica seemed to turn up anywhere the Major might spend what little free time he allowed himself; the Schloss, his Bonn apartment, his usual jogging route, just friggin' anywhere. Plus, his behavior during those unwelcome intrusions was...odd, even for him. He wasn't exactly flirty...the fluttering eyelashes and occasional innuendo were still present, but he seemed more intent on...well, making conversation. This might not seem weird to most people, but Klaus knew that despite his frivolous appearance, Eroica wasn't the type to waste time and energy on aimless conversation unless he had something to gain from it. What's more, the subjects he chose were unlikely to be of any interest to him. He would start discussing war history, engines, weapons even...in short, things the Major was fond of, but the Earl had never cared about. Klaus could not understand why Eroica would go out of his way to do this, although he did suspect that it was some sort of tactic to win him over; not that he would ever let himself be seduced by such cheap tripe. Therefore he usually cut those conversations short, most of the time by means of a wide variety of expletives, but the thief showed no inclination to give up, and it was becoming increasingly annoying. In the end he had concluded that more drastic measures were in order to get that reprobate off his back; and his long professional experience in discovering and exposing secrets told him that the one thing which usually worked was blackmail. Granted, Eroica was the embodiment of shamelessness, but even he had to have some secret he could not afford to have disclosed. If Klaus got ahold of such a weakness of his, the thief might get scared enough to leave him be, or disgusted with him enough to fall out of love; either way, his goal would be achieved.
The lock finally gave way and Klaus quietly made his way inside. He did not plan on searching the entire castle; if there was anything here he could blackmail Eroica with, it had to be something the Earl would want to keep hidden from everyone, including his faithful gang members; therefore it would be stashed somewhere only Eroica would have access, namely in his private quarters.
The first room he visited was a study of sorts, which seemed to be more decorative than functional, although after a brief search Klaus did discover something of interest; a stack of blueprints of various museums and prominent buildings, not the least of them being his very own Schloss Eberbach. Quite infuriating, but unfortunately not unexpected, and certainly not blackmail material. It probably wouldn't be the last infuriating discovery he would make here either, Klaus reminded himself as he proceeded to the Earl's luxurious bedchamber, complete with boudoir, en suite bathroom sporting a bathtub the size of a small pond, and walk-in closet which was larger than a standard apartment living-room. The main bedroom itself was, of course, as decadent as one might expect; four-poster bed with rich brocade draperies, furniture which might have belonged in a museum (probably had come from a museum in the first place, but Klaus decided not to dwell on that for now), a painting of some pansy pretty boy hanging on the wall opposite the bed, next to a large ornate mirror which hung above what seemed to be a dressing-table – again, a priceless antique made of gilt oak with a pink marble top. Next to it stood a pedestal made of the same pink marble, upon which rested a small domed mahogany chest, exquisitely carved and gilded, with the Gloria rose crafted in gold-plated bronze adorning the lid. At first the Major took it for an extravagant jewellery case, but upon closer inspection he saw a tiny bronze plaque on the lid, with the words "Treasure Trove" engraved in elegant calligraphy. Although his logic dictated that no big secret could be kept here, seeing as the chest was in plain sight and wasn't even locked, in the end the Major gave in to his curiosity and opened it.
The inside of the chest was lined with deep red velvet, and the objects nestled on it were, to say the least, completely incongruous with their antiquated surroundings. What's more, they were rather familiar, Klaus realized as he looked them over. An open, half empty cigarette pack of the brand he smoked...identical to the one he had left at the office a few weeks ago, and the next day it was nowhere to be found; at the time he had assumed the cleaning staff had mistakenly disposed of it. A nondescript black coffee mug...just like the one G had tearfully claimed to have accidentally broken and promptly replaced three months ago. A bullet casing, of the same caliber he used for his Magnum...come to think of it, wasn't there a minor fire exchange the last time Eroica had barged in on his mission? And lastly a hairbrush, the kind one can purchase at any airport or hotel shop, with a few long strands of black hair stuck on it...he had bought one such brush half a year back, when he had been unexpectedly forced to spend a few days at a hotel abroad for a mission. The brush wasn't in his luggage when he returned, but even though it was unusual for him to misplace or forget his possessions, this was an impersonal and unneeded item whose loss barely bothered him; therefore he had soon forgotten all about it. And, as he slowly realized, that was the case with all the objects that chest contained. They were all items of minimal inherent value, both monetary and sentimental, and thus unlikely to be missed. That was...weird, Klaus thought, or more like it wasn't in keeping with Eroica's tactics in the past. Back then the thief purposely chose things he knew Klaus valued a lot to steal, and missed no opportunity to taunt him with the loot he had swiped under the Major's nose. In contrast, he didn't seem to have any intention to call the Major's attention on these latest thefts...his objective appeared to be only those items, and he valued them pretty highly judging by their elaborate place of storage. But why did he go out of his way to steal and hoard them...? The Major was fairly certain that there was nothing artistic about them...in fact, the only reason he could think of for Eroica to want them was that they had been in his possession and handled by him, however briefly. A pervert if ever there was one, he thought, his cheeks reddening as he arrived to that conclusion. Determined not to let this embarrassing discovery distract him from his mission, Klaus left the bedroom and moved his search to the walk-in closet.
Ugh. Do I really have to search through this?! The Major had expected Eroica to own a substantial quantity of foppish attires, but this was far worse than he had imagined. He was damn near blinded by the accumulated glitz in that closet; rows upon rows of outfits in all colours of the rainbow and then some, made by all manner of expensive fabrics: dazzling sequined, shimmering satin and silk, opulent velvet and furs, soft cashmere, the finest linen and cotton...and needless to say, most of them laden with laces and frills and embroideries, as if they weren't flamboyant enough already. Between the bright colours and numerous adornments, all those clothes were every decent man's nightmare...only one seemed somewhat dignified, a graphite grey suit hanging at the far end. This one at least was of a normal, subdued colour, not unlike the hues of his own suits...
...Hang on a second. Seized by a sudden suspicion, Klaus pulled the suit out...and realized in shock that it wasn't merely like his own suits; it was one of his own bloody suits! No mistake about it; he recognized the blue and green striped tie, Herr Hinkel had given it to him for a Christmas present three years ago. How the hell had the damned thief pinched it without him noticing?! Then he remembered: last year there had been an incident with the dry-cleaning store, one of the suits Herr Hinkel had sent for dry-cleaning had been mysteriously misplaced. The store had been most apologetic and Herr Hinkel beside himself with guilt; as for Klaus, he had been appropriately annoyed at first, but seeing as he possessed a large number of similar suits he had quickly given up on the loss and put the matter out of his mind. To think that thieving magpie was behind this all along! God alone knew what indecent stuff that degenerate had got up to with Klaus' clothes...he shuddered to even think about it; and he couldn't even burn the bloody thing to ashes, as that would certainly betray his intrusion in Castle Gloria. Seething with rage, the Major proceeded to search the rest of the closet, feeling the need to find something to hold against Eroica more urgent than ever. But even though he rummaged through a mountain of gloves, scarves, handkerchiefs and other accessories, a mountain of bling in the jewellery drawers, and an even larger mountain of thoroughly indecent underwear (thank heaven he wore gloves) he could not find anything remotely likely to be a secret of Eroica's. Exceedingly angry and all but convinced that this mission had been a complete fool's errand, the Major was just about to give up and leave, when he suddenly noticed something: on one side of the closet, the inside was a little smaller in length than the outside. He had seen this in furniture quite a few times before, and it was a clear indication of a hidden compartment.
Klaus might be no master thief, but he had gained enough experience in hidden compartments during his many searches for microfilms; after several minutes of experimenting he finally managed to press on the right point causing part of the wooden paneling to slide out of place, and thus reveal a small hollow opening. Inside there was only one thing, another elaborately carved box, this time flat-lidded and made of ebony with inlaid semi-precious stones. On the lid there was again a calligraphic inscription on a plaque of white gold, two verses which read:
"I love to hear him speak; yet well I know
That music hath a far more pleasing sound." *
Poetry, obviously; the words stirred some vague memory in Klaus, perhaps of a literature lesson in his school days, but since he had never been interested in the subject it was small wonder he could not remember anything more. In any case, it would seem he had finally found what he was looking for; if there was anything Eroica wanted to keep hidden it had to be the contents of that box.
And the contents of the box were...a small heap of tiny audio tapes, the kind customarily used for tape recorders worn by "wired" police officers or agents to secretly record conversations. There actually was one such tape recorder and microphone underneath the tapes. The Major was more than a little surprised; he hardly expected Eroica who was hopeless with all manner of modern technology to use such equipment; then again, this particular piece of technology was fairly easy to use, even a klutz such as him should be able to handle it. But what was he recording with it? Klaus put one of the tapes in the recorder, put it to his ear and pressed "Play"; and nearly jumped out of his skin as what he heard was his own voice, bellowing a stream of English and German curses. What on earth…why was Eroica recording him swearing?! The Major had long since suspected he would possess a certain degree of masochism – how else would he be able to tolerate that much abuse – but he hadn't pegged him for that much of a masochist. He put another tape in the recorder, and then another, and listened carefully; and at some point he realized it wasn't merely curse words in these recordings. It was actually…conversations; those very conversations the thief was so keen on initiating lately. However, this was an even bigger mystery...why was Eroica doing all this? Clearly, he was trying to make him talk about something and get it on tape…but what? For a second he considered the possibility that Eroica had been turned by his enemies and was trying to get him to divulge his professional secrets…but no, he would have to be tremendously naïve if he believed Iron Klaus would ever casually reveal anything pertaining to his missions; and Eroica, if anything, wasn't naïve. Besides, he had never talked about anything even remotely relevant to the Major's profession. No, it was something else he was after, but for the life of him Klaus could not figure out what. Frustrated, he started pacing up and down the closet still holding the precious box; and as he mechanically turned it over in his hands, he suddenly paused and gave it a longer look. There was something off about it...he couldn't quite put his finger on it, perhaps something about the weight, or the symmetry...he checked it out meticulously from every angle, and after a while he realized what it was: the box had a double bottom.
Another few minutes of careful manipulations and the bottom was removed, revealing a sheet of paper underneath. The Major took it and read it, but the handwritten text he read only left him with more questions. Actually it wasn't a text, more like a list of words. Some of them were very simple everyday words: – 'I', 'you', 'of', 'the', 'with', 'am', 'in', 'most', 'are', 'be', 'all', 'will' and others; then there were some flowery adjectives like 'beautiful', 'wonderful', 'special', 'fascinating'; some other words like 'dream', 'always', 'world', 'want' 'man', 'life'; and finally at the bottom of the list, two underlined words: 'love' and Eroica's given name, 'Dorian'. Klaus also noticed one more thing: several of the words, most of them in fact, had check marks next to them. The simpler words were all checked, and so were some others like 'life', 'man', 'world', 'special'...The ones left unchecked were mostly fancy adjectives like 'beautiful' and 'wonderful' and so on, and the two underlined words at the bottom.
Perplexed by this new riddle, Klaus started pacing up and down again, thinking intently. He had never been very good with word puzzles, seeing as he was a man of actions rather than words. Still, at least one thing was obvious to him; this list was somehow connected to the audio tapes in the box. He started listening to them again, one by one; the greater part of the recordings consisted of swearing, but there were some bits of normal conversation here and there, mostly when the topic was interesting enough for him to offer some opinions before remembering to get angry with the thief. For some reason he felt it was these parts that were the most important, and started paying more attention to them. And as he listened, slowly he came to realize that, at some point or other, he had said every one of the checked words on the list.
Therefore, the reason Eroica started those discussions was to record him saying the words on that list. This explained the thief's sudden propensity for conversation, and why he always chose topics that would appeal to the Major. It was still a mystery, however, why Eroica needed to record these words in the first place. Let's see...what are words used for? Well...obviously to make phrases, sentences. The words in this case were oral, not written, but it was quite possible to cut them out of the recordings and make phrases with them; it could be done with a simple computer program. Eroica would never be able to do it by himself, obviously, but he could always have it done by a professional. If this was indeed his goal...what phrases was he going to make with these words...? Klaus started combining the words in his head, to see what he would come up with; and his eyes widened in horror, because the resulting combinations were some truly frightening phrases, like "I want to be with you all my life", "You are the most beautiful man in the world", "I always dream of you", and, most terrifying of all, "I love you, Dorian".
Like a light switch suddenly turned on in a dark room, the meaning of all this dawned on him. Understanding that he would never get a voluntary love confession out of the Major, Eroica had acted like the thief he was: he set out to steal it! That's what he was doing all this time: stealing the necessary words one by one, until he had enough for a confession. That was probably why he was so secretive about it too; because it wounded his exorbitant pride that he couldn't get this confession with his charm and had to resort to this method. Klaus wasn't sure why would he want a love declaration which wasn't genuine, but made up from random words...but then again Eroica was an individual who would habitually steal anything he wanted that wasn't handed out to him. It probably made perfect sense for him to obtain a confession made of stolen words.
Klaus thought of erasing the tapes, but in the end decided against it. It wasn't like the thief would give up on his goal even if he did; most likely he'd just hatch up some other crazy plan and the Major would be totally unprepared for it. At least now he would know what to expect and act accordingly; and maybe have a little fun of his own at Eroica's expense while he was at it.
He put everything back exactly as it was and departed for the airport with mixed feelings. He hadn't been able to find a secret of Eroica's he could use against him – in fact, the thief didn't seem to harbor any secret save for his decidedly unhealthy obsession with him – but at least he had learnt two things: one, that anything he ever lost he would probably find at Castle Gloria; and two, that some things – fortunately, now he knew exactly which ones – were, indeed, better left unsaid.
* From Shakespeare's Sonnet 130, except that Dorian substituted "her" with "him".