This is my first time ever posting, so any tips would be cool.

I do not own white collar, just in love with Matt Bomer... all characters, quotes, etc. belong to USA network!

Starts right after 2.01 Withdrawal

Enjoy!

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Neal drifted through processing. Physically, he was there in the prison. Following the guard's orders, allowing them to manhandle him, going through the all too familiar process he had previously hoped to never have to go through again. He was once a pain in the ass during this process, but now he cannot find it in him to care, to make any witty remarks, to even give the guards a hard time as he once did. Because that was over a year ago. A different time. A time when Kate was still alive, and Neal had hope for the world.

Yes, physically, he is there. But mentally? Mentally he is in a different prison, one inside his mind, trapped in a constant repetition of his nightmarish memory from earlier that day.

He is back at the tarmac and in one moment his adoring and loving blue eyes are watching Kate, the love of his life, his sole purpose of existence smile and wave to him from inside the cabin, and in the next moment he is reliving the last few moments before watching her go up in flames.

"You said goodbye to everyone but me. Why?" Peter inquired.

"I don't know" Neal said, trying hard to keep his mask in place, despite feeling it slip away with each word he spoke to Peter.

"You do. Tell me."

"I don't know. Okay?" Neal panted, a part of him hoping Peter would drop it and let him walk onto the plane, but another small part of him relieved that Peter is here, as he secretly was hoping he would be.

"Why?"

"You know why" God, it was so obvious, and Neal's well practiced mask was close to non-existent at this point, as he felt silent tears run down his face.

"Tell me," Peter pressed on.

Finally, Neal admitted, as his voice broke, "You're the only one who could change my mind."

Hope lit up Peter's face, "Did I?"

"Peter-" He was not able to speak any further, as he was thrown back onto the ground and surrounded by intense heat.

He can still feel the heat of the fire on his face. He can still feel the rawness of his throat as he screams out her name in a vain and futile attempt at reaching her, at saving her. He tries reaching out to her, but something is blocking him, preventing him from going in after her, from letting him die with her if he cannot save her.

Peter is there, holding him back, whispering soothing words into his ear that Neal cannot even begin to comprehend, because in that moment, all Neal knows is that this is not how it should be. He should be on his way to living his happily ever after with his one true love, not watching the future of his dreams crash and burn before his eyes.

If Peter had not shown up, Neal would have been on that plane with Kate. He would have burned with her. He would have died with her. But at least he would have been with her. A part of him wishes that Peter would have never shown up to stop him. He would be dead right now, but at least he would be with Kate. And he would not have this gaping hole in his chest where his heart should be. He would not be in this unbearable amount of pain, wishing for death to release him from this mind-numbing pain. A pain so engulfing that all he can do is stand there and allow it to consume him. Yes, Peter saved his life. But Neal wishes he had not.

"We're done here," one of the guard's harsh voices pulled Neal out of his nightmarish memories, grabbing Neal's arm as he led him to his cell.

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It had been three days since the explosion. Peter had gotten his badge back and worked out all of the minor details with Hughes and the higher ups. But Peter was worried. It was not his job and trouble with the bureau that plagued him, he could work those problems out easily enough. He would be under tight scrutiny for a little while, but as long as he closed his cases he would be fine.

No, that was not what had Peter Burke worried. His concern was on the man who was in all of this trouble with him, as it usually goes. How was it that Neal Caffrey was able to take up so much of Peter Burke's focus? From spending years catching him, to most recently trying to keep him in line, to now, worrying about his well-being and state of mind. The only difference is that Neal was taking up the mind of Peter Burke, FBI agent the previous times. Now, however, he was taking up the mind of Peter Burke, friend.

He had seen Neal upset before, but looking into Neal's eyes as he watched the plane burn down was a whole new level. He was expecting to see pain, hurt, anger, but what he saw shocked him. Neal's eyes exuded pain, yes, but somehow were also empty; it was like looking into a vast nothingness, void of everything but the lingering remnants of what could have been.

Peter snapped out of his musing as Jones approached his office, lightly knocking on his door, "Peter, Hughes approved your request to bring Neal back reinstated with his old deal. The higher ups have decided to "overlook" the fleeing attempt, not enough evidence they decided. If you ask me, they just value him too much with how high your closure rate is. Anyway, you can finally go pick him up from Sing-Sing whenever you're ready."

Peter's heart lifted at Jones' words, knowing Neal wouldn't have to worry about staying one more night in prison, not when he should be at home with his friends, grieving his loss.

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When Neal walked into the visiting room and sat at the table across from Peter, the first thought that ran through Peter's head was that this was not the Neal Caffrey, the charming and brilliant, seemingly invincible con man who Peter had grown to know and love. This man looked worn and tired, refusing to even look up and make eye contact as Peter explained that Neal could have his old deal back.

Peter knew undoubtedly that Neal would be upset, and how could he not be, watching the love of his life die before his eyes and being able to do nothing to stop it? But he thought the chance at being released from prison and back into his old deal would at least offer him some small hope in the midst of all his pain.

He was not expecting Neal to flat out deny his offer.

"Neal, you just experienced a great loss- "

"Peter, please, I don't want to think about it right now, okay." Neal scoffed to himself silently, how could he think about anything else ever again? "Look I'm sorry, but I just want to be alone. Can you give me some time to think about the offer?" Neal pleaded.

And with that, Neal stood up, finally making eye contact with Peter, as the guard ushered him back to his cell. He left Peter sitting there, feeling even more worried about his CI-turned-best-friend than he was a couple hours ago. The brief glimpse into Neal's eyes that he saw as he was ushered out did not belong to the man he knew. The bright blue was replaced with gray, no spark of light or hope, only a flash of desperation, begging to be released from the never-ending pain. This is why Neal did not care about the deal. Prison or anklet, there would be no escape from this pain. Either way he would be imprisoned in his mind from the pain of losing Kate, so what was the point?