AN: Beckett musings post 3x14...lemme know what you think!
She really should have been used to The Feeling by now. The shocked, feet knocked out from under her, blown away, free falling, icy-hot feeling. After all, she'd been working with Castle for almost three years now, she should probably be immune, or at the very least, not so surprised when it happened. Not to mention that The Feeling was always prefaced by some sort of mention from the writer about her mother- she really ought be able to see it coming by now...
"- something happened. Not to you. No, you're wounded, but you're not that wounded. No, it was someone you care about, it was someone you loved."
...Shock.
"Is that what happened to your dad? I noticed your watch, it's your dad's right- that's why you wear it."
...Disbelief.
"Your mother's case- have you ever thought about re-opening it?"
...Anger.
"It's about your mother's case..."
...Betrayal.
"You're afraid that if you look into your mother's death you will go back down that rabbit hole and lose yourself again."
...Pain.
"I will do anything you need, including nothing, if that's what you want."
...Amazement.
"You can't, I can. Do we have a deal?"
...Awe.
"You would use the money to honor your mother's legacy."
...Astonishment.
He knew. He always knew. And unlike pretty much every other person in her life, he was not afraid of broaching the subject with her. Well, it was her own fault for letting him get away with it the first time...and the fact that she'd been turning to him for help and comfort whenever the situation arose probably didn't help either. But they were partners, and part of having a partnership with Castle was being completely blindsided by his insights into her most protected secrets.
The only difference now- from the first time had bulldozed her with his astute observations and incessant prying- was that the after effects of The Feeling were no longer anger, pain, and betrayal. Instead she felt that slightly warm, tingly feeling that lingers on the skin after the static sting of metal. One part pain and one part surprise, coupled with an acceptance of the situation and the knowledge that it was going to be okay.
Now every time Castle shocked her with The Feeling, she wound up with a lingering sense of hope, a warm feeling of support, and an almost out of place sensation of peace that was slightly incomplete but closer than she'd been in a long time. This time was no different...
"You would use the money to honor your mother's legacy."
She shouldn't have been surprised; she knew how well Castle knew her, how closely he observed all the minutiae of Kate Beckett- and yet she was.
A scholarship program.
In her mother's name.
How could she not be overwhelmed with shock and awe...and slight amusement...here was Castle, once again, hurdling himself way past the line most people would stop at, straight into her personal life.
She should be angry.
She wasn't.
She figured she'd pretty much given him permission to be as involved as he wanted in her personal business. After all, she never really stopped him. He took that as an open invitation to peel back the layers of Kate Beckett...and she let him. Although, for now, she was content to pretend she didn't secretly like him so involved in her world.
"Thank you, that was really sweet." Her voice wavered, just a tiny bit. How could it not? She was still reeling from The Feeling. The icy-hot free fall of surprise he had evoked yet again. Castle had done a lot of unbelievable things for her- paying off a hit man, running into her burning apartment, beating a man senseless to keep her from being shot- to name a few. But this was the most incredible thing he had done yet.
How could she possibly explain how grateful, how moved, how honored she was?
She couldn't.
So she smiled, following him and all of his exuberance to her kitchen table, glad that they had moved. Another moment standing there with him looking at her like that...
She would have hugged him, and she wasn't entirely sure she trusted her emotions enough to endure a Castle hug at the present moment...she might never let go.
AN: read & review pretty please!