The rain matched his mood. His thoughts. Lately he had felt like this all the time. And it was all because of the future he was supposed to lead. He resented it, and despised it so much it made him sick.
It terrified him. Every night he had nightmares in which Sting died by his hands, and every night he woke frantic, and had to quietly walk himself to Sting's room to make sure he was still alive. To make sure he hadn't actually done what he dreamed in his sleep.
He had been told Sting's light could protect him. That it could save him from that cruel fate, but he was scared. All the time he had known Sting, he had been his partner, nothing more. Sure, one could maybe call them friends, but Rogue still wasn't sure how Sting felt. He couldn't be.
He wasn't one to speak up, and so he stayed silent. He was so scared he'd be rejected, so scared that he would snap. He was constantly tormented by these thoughts.
He didn't even know if Sting knew about any of it. He didn't like talking about it, or himself in general. He felt too self conscious for that.
But... He wanted relief from this anxiety, and the depression it brought with it. He hated himself for what he was to supposed do in the future. Hell, he had hated himself before anyway. After having to kill Skiadrum... He couldn't love himself, and he could never expect anyone else to do the same.
Unknown to even Frosch, scars lined his wrists, and every second of the day, it took all he had to not throw up. Not to scream and cry. Not to end it already.
It took so much for him to even seem like he was functioning properly. But the truth that no one saw past his silent stoic exterior, was that he was more broken inside than was even possible. He despised himself. Hated how selfish he was, to want to follow Sting, and stay close. He was using him for his own benefit, and he hated that. He hated how addicted he was, even if Sting himself never saw, cared, or knew. Even if he didn't show it and hid it until he was dead.
And the voices... His shadow was constantly tormenting him... Taunting him... The voices drove him insane. They made his self hatred even worse. Every time he felt somewhat happy, the voices tore him right back down.
He let a shaky sigh out. He needed to get out of here. Even if it was only a little while. He needed a break. And another job would do the trick. At least he wouldn't be sitting around, and he would actually have to focus.
He stood, and headed towards the job board in the back of the guild hall. He let his eyes silently scan the board, the hollow empty feeling creeping up into his chest.
"Hey, whatcha lookin' at?" He jumped nearly two feet in the air when Sting spoke. He hadn't been expecting him to come up behind him like that, and just shook his head in response. "Haven't picked anything yet?" He shook his head again and sighed a little.
"Well, what about this one? I was thinking about it yesterday," Sting said reaching up and pulling a paper from the board. He scanned it for a moment before offering it to Rogue to look at. Rogue looked over with a small frown and took the paper and looked at it.
It was a plea for help from a young mother who's child had been lost in the forest near by for a month. He rolled his eyes at the stupidity that they had waited a month to post a request but sighed and nodded.
""Alright," he said softly. Sting grinned.
"Awesome. Hey, why don't you and I do this one by ourselves? We can leave Lector and Frosch with Yukino," he said. Rogue looked at him and raised an eyebrow.
"Are you serious?" he asked.
Just what is he up to? He thought. Sting never usually asked to go on jobs alone like that...
Sting only shrugged and grinned his signature grin. Rogue sighed. "Alright. Whatever..." Sting grinned.
"Awesome! I'll go pack, and you can meet me outside the guild." he said before running off. Rogue frowned and sighed.
"How long is this job going to take that we have to pack?" he asked himself. He shook his head. "Oh well. Might as well just go along with it for now." He sighed once more and went up to his dorm to gather his things. He really had wanted to go on a job alone, but he figured that Sting would have chewed him out if he had, and he didn't want to deal with that. That would only make him hate himself even more.
An hour later they met outside the guild hall, and Rogue was just as quiet as normal, but Sting was feeling a tense vibe from him. It bothered him, but he was unsure about bringing it up. He didn't want to upset him anymore than he already seemed to be.
It was quiet as they walked, neither wanting to break the silence, despite how tense it was. Sting was worried, and Rogue just seemed irritated.
It was a few hours before they arrived at the place they had agreed to camp at. It was still deathly silent as they unpacked and set up the camp. As they were finishing the light was fading as the sun went down.
"We can get to the job tomorrow," Sting said. Rogue only nodded. He was already laying in his tent.
"Goodnight then," Rogue said, zipping it up. Sting sighed and laid down in his own tent. He laid there for a while, thinking.
Just what is up with him? I don't understand why he's acting like this... It's weird... He sighed. Who knows...
He closed his eyes and tried to fall asleep, but then a smell assaulted him.
"What the hell?" he thought out loud. It was strong to his heightened sense. A rusty smell. He was confused, unsure what the smell was.
And then it hit him.
Blood. He got up and out of his tent, looking around. He frowned when he saw Rogue kneeling by a stream that was passing through their camp. Then he realized.
That smell... It's coming from him! He frowned deeply.
"Rogue?" the shadow dragon slayer jumped, startled, and covered his left wrist quickly, a look of shock and nervousness in his eyes. Sting's frown deepened. "What the hell are you doing? Are you... bleeding?" he asked. Rogue's eyes went wide and he looked down at his wrist, and then back up. unsure what to say.
Sting walked forward and knelt, reaching forward for Rogue's wrist. Rogue stared wide eyed until Sting's hand touched his skin, then he yanked away violently, falling back into the stream. "NO!"
As Rogue flailed and sat up, spitting out the water, Sting saw everything he needed to. In that second, he saw the scars, and he saw the blood that was flowing down his wrist. He felt anger well up inside his body as Rogue sat back up and looked at him in horror.
"WHAT THE FUCK ROGUE?!" he snapped standing. His fists were clenched, and he felt like he wanted to hit something. "What the hell is wrong with you?!" Rogue flinched and looked down. He felt his insides die at Sting's reaction. He bit back his tears, and tried to swallow the lump that was forming in his throat. "LOOK AT ME!" He jumped again and curled in on himself, covering his face with his hands. Sting let out a growl. "DAMN IT ROGUE, LOOK AT ME NOW!" Finally after a long moment of tense silence, Rogue stood, his hands unable to clench. He looked up, his eyes reflecting the frustration and pain. The sadness and the confusion.
"You don't understand," he whispered brokenly. "You'll never understand!" he yelled, his voice cracking.
"Then fucking make me understand!" Sting yelled back.
He hates you. He doesn't want to help you. You don't deserve it. Rogue shook his head against the voices. He looked up at Sting again, his teeth clenching.
"Stop it Sting! Don't fucking chastise me! And don't act like you actually care!" he screamed. By now tears were flowing free from his eyes, and he started to wonder where all this came from. He hadn't ever felt this emotional, especially around Sting, but now... Now it was all breaking through. His hands shook, so much harder than they normally did. Normally he could hide it, just like his emotions, but now... Now it was impossible.
"What in the fuck are you even talking about?! Just tell me what's fucking wrong!" Sting snapped back. Rogue flinched again, looking down.
Don't tell him. He doesn't care about you. He doesn't really want to know.
He shook his head again, letting out a noise of frustration. "Stop it!" He snapped, this time not addressing Sting. He looked down and held his head staggering back. Sting started to look worried, his anger starting to fade as he watched.
IGNORE HIM! HE DOESN'T CARE! HE HATES YOU! HE'LL NEVER LOVE YOU! YOU'RE A FREAK! NO ONE WILL EVER LOVE YOU!
The the voices were only getting louder, to the point they were deafening, and he was starting to feel panicky.
"NO!" he yelled, still holding his head, and staggering in place. "STOP IT! PLEASE!" he screamed, a sob escaping his throat as he sank to his knees, rocking back and forth. "Make it stop... Make it stop..." he whimpered, his eyes wide open.
That's it. Fuck the job. Sting thought. We're going back to the guild tomorrow morning. He had rushed forward to Rogue's side as he continued to whimper and rock. He squeezed his eyes shut and his hands tightened in his own hair as he sobbed. Sting reached out and tried to put his arms around Rogue, who screamed wordlessly and pushed him away. However, Sting sat right back up, managing, after a small struggle, to get his arms around Rogue. The shadow slayer shrieked wordlessly again and slapped Sting in the chest, his attacks weak as he struggled to get away. Sting could only clench his jaw and hold Rogue tighter, until he gave up and stopped struggling, and just sobbed. Sting felt shocked at this behavior, and he was very much alarmed. He had never seen Rogue lose it like that, let alone break down like this. It scared the shit out of him. And he promised himself he would find the answer to this. He wouldn't let Rogue suffer like this anymore, at least not by himself.
"Don't worry," Sting whispered, tightening his hold on the distraught slayer. "You'll be okay. I promise." He tried hard to keep his voice gentle. "I won't let whatever it is hurt you anymore." At that, Rogue hit him again, sobbing harder. Sting sighed a little as Rogue finally started to cling to him.
"Please make it stop..." he whimpered. "Please..." Sting frowned. He'd never heard Rogue beg like this for anything.
"Shhh, Rogue," Sting gently ran his fingers through Rogue's hair with one hand, trying to comfort him. He felt a shiver run through both of them and he frowned. He looked over at his tent and spotted his blanket, he started to let go of Rogue to reach for it when the shadow dragon slayer clung tighter and let out a fearful sob.
"Don't leave me..." he whimper in utter terror. Sting frowned more.
"Rogue, I'm not. Just hold on. I'm grabbing a blanket. You're shivering like mad..." he said softly. Rogue looked up, his eyes displaying just how lost he was feeling. Sting frowned and let go of him, darting to his tent and back, pulling Rogue close again before he could break down even more.
With one arm he wrapped the blanket around the shadow dragon slayer, who shivered again as soon as he did so. He hugged him close again and gently rubbed his back.
After a long while Rogue's sobs started to die down, but Sting could still tell he was upset, and so he didn't move and just continued to hold him, refusing to let go.
However, it was late and Sting's eye lids were getting heavy. He was exhausted and he guessed that Rogue was as well, or at least he hoped.
Maybe he'll fall asleep soon... He thought. At least, he could only hope. He looked down at Rogue, who's head was now resting against his shoulder. His eyes were closed, but his breathing was anything but even. He could tell he was still awake, and trying not to cry again.
"Hey, Rogue," he said softly. "Do you wanna lay down? And try to go to sleep?" he asked. Rogue slowly looked up, pain still obvious in his eyes.
"P-Promise you... won't... leave me... a-alone..." he whimpered. Sting shook his head.
"I won't I promise," he said, standing, but keeping his hands on Rogue so he knew he wasn't leaving him alone. He then carefully picked him up and carried him to his tent and laid him down, before climbing in as well, and zipping it closed. Once that was done, he pulled Rogue close, petting his head. It was a long while before Rogue's breathing was even with sleep. Sting let out a quiet sigh, finally able to fall asleep himself.
He had no idea what happened. When he had gotten up the next morning, Rogue had sitting by the river silently. He frowned but as soon as Rogue heard him come out of the tent he stood and started packing his things up. Sting frowned and had tried to talk to him, but he didn't respond or even acknowledge him. He had given up and just packed his things up as well. Rogue finished before he did, and just waited until Sting was done before starting back towards the guild. Sting sighed and followed silently.
When they got back, Rogue immediately locking himself in his dorm room. After Sting had put his things away he had gone to check on Rogue, but he couldn't get him to answer or come out. He didn't want to upset him again, and so he just left him alone.
But then two weeks passed and Rogue still hadn't come out. Sting started to worry but he didn't know what to do.
"What's up Sting? And where's Rogue?" Yukino asked as she sat down next him. He looked over at her, a sad look on his face.
"He's still in his room. He's been hiding out there ever since that night... And he won't talk to me, and I'm... Worried," he said. She nodded.
"That makes sense," she said. Sting nodded.
"I know he hasn't eaten since that day, and I have no idea if he's okay or not..." he dropped his head in his hands.
"Maybe you should go check on him... Whether he lets you in or not," she said. "He'll understand," she said.
He sighed. "Would you come with me? I'm... Scared he's not okay..." Yukino nodded without hesitation.
"Of course." she said. Sting nodded and stood.
"Let's go," he said. She nodded and followed him up to the dorms, and to Rogue's door.
"I'll wait out here," she said. Sting nodded and looked at the door before slowly opening it.
"Rogue?" he called softly. He got no answer, and the room was dark. He frowned and looked around. "Rogue...?" He was confused. Where the hell was he? He walked farther in, over the the bed and then looked at the side of the bed and nearly screamed.
"ROGUE!" he threw himself to the floor and pulled the limp dragon slayer into his arms. He was pale and breathing shallowly. He looked down at his wrists and saw that both of them were cut and blood was slowly flowing out of his wrists. "YUKINO! GO GET HELP! NOW!" Sting yelled. He felt tears sting his eyes and he shook Rogue, trying to get him to wake up. "Come on! Come ON! Wake up! Rogue, please!" He hugged the shadow slayer tightly, starting to cry. "WAKE UP DAMN IT!" he screamed, tightening his hold on the slayer.
Suddenly he heard Rogue moan weakly. He held him out a little and looked at him as his eyes slowly started to open. His eyes stared blankly at the ceiling before they closed again, his breathing hitching.
"NO! DON'T YOU DARE DIE ON ME!" Sting yelled. Rogue's breathing stopped completely for a moment before starting again, still shallow and slow. Sting felt his tears spilling, hot and fast down his cheeks.
"Sting, I got help!" Yukino called, running in with what looked like a doctor. For that Sting was grateful.
He looked back at the man and then at Rogue. "He needs a hospital," Sting choked out. The doctor nodded and knelt.
"However, we need the stop the bleeding in his wrists first," he said. He pulled a large roll of gauze from his bag and quickly and efficiently wrapping Rogue's wrists. Sting swallowed hard and carefully lifted Rogue up. "Let's go," the doctor said. Sting nodded and followed the man out, keeping a tight hold on Rogue as they went. He didn't care that the guild stared.
All he wanted was to save his best friend's life.
A week. That's how long it took Rogue to wake up after he was admitted to the hospital. They had stopped the bleeding and replenished his blood supply, but he still hadn't woken right away. Sting refused to leave his side, and hadn't eaten, let alone moved from his spot, since they had allowed visitors in his room.
When he heard Rogue stir, he was zoned out, but the second he heard it, he was sitting up and completely alert. He watched quietly, holding his breath as Rogue's eye lids fluttered, his face scrunched and slowly, his eyes opened. They shifted around the room, confused and slightly dazed, and Sting let a sigh of relief out. Finally Rogue's eyes landed on Sting and their eyes locked. Recognition flooded his eyes, and then confusion before he finally spoke, his voice barely above a whisper.
"Am I dead?" he asked, his face sad. Sting snorted and shook his head.
"No, you're not fucking dead!" he stood, his hands balled into fists at his side. He glared at Rogue who looked taken aback. "Just what the hell were you thinking?!" he snapped. "Were you TRYING to kill yourself?!"
Rogue was frozed and he didn't know what to say. "S-Sting I-"
"You what?!" Sting cried exasperated. Rogue looked down, tears welling up.
"Y-Yes. Yes, I was trying to kill myself," he finally confessed. "I can't take it anymore!" he snapped. "It's driving me insane! I can't do it!" He had squeezed his eyes closed and started to cry. Sting frowned, his anger disolving in an instant.
"Can't take what anymore, Rogue? I don't get it! Why don't you talk to me anymore?! Every since the last Grand Magic Games, you've been all closed up and withdrawn! I want to help you, but... But I can't do a single thing when you don't tell me what's going on! Like that whole confrontation between you and your future self! I had to find out from Frosch of all people about that! Don't you trust me?" he asked. Rogue had looked up at him surprised.
"Y-You... You knew about that?" he asked surprised. Sting sighed frustratedly.
"Yes, I knew about it! But I know that unless you bring something like that up, that you won't talk about it, so I left it alone! Is that what all this is about?!" he asked. "Jesus Christ Rogue, you have to talk to me!"
"Do you even really care?" Rogue asked. "Or are you just pretending to look good?" he asked, his voice cracking. Sting gave him an offended look, but Rogue kept speaking. "Sting... Please... If you don't just... Quit lying and get it over with alright?" The sharp pain of Sting's slap sent him reeling and he looked at the angry dragon slayer in shock.
"DON'T YOU EVER, EVER THINK THAT AGAIN!" Sting snapped. "You're my best friend, and you mean the world to me, so don't give me that bullshit! I want to know what's going on with you, because, quite honestly, the last few months I feel like I don't know you anymore! You're always closed up, and you refuse to talk about your feelings! Well, that stops today, because, damn it, I don't care if I have to beat it out of you, you'll tell me, so I can help you." Sting was panting at the end of his rant, and Rogue stared at him, and he could see the shame reflected in the shadow slayer's eyes as tears welled up.
"I-I'm s-sorry," he choked out, covering his mouth a sob escaped his throat. Sting stepped forward and pulled his hand away, staring straight into his eyes.
"Don't. Let it out. Tell me what you're feeling," he said, his voice suddenly gentle. Rogue only stared at him.
"S-Sting," he said, unsure. Unsure of everything. He felt so vulnerable, and it terrified him.
Sting took his hand in his and laced their fingers, which surprised Rogue, but he didn't say a word.
"Don't worry, Rogue, I'm not going to leave you, or abandon you. Tell me. Everything, starting from when we got back from the Grand Magic Games," he said. Rogue swallowed hard and looked down at his lap. Sting gently squeezed his hand. "Come on... You're safe. I promise." Rogue looked up again and into Sting's eyes, finding only genuine concern and sincerity. He swallowed hard and looked down again.
"E-Ever since my future self to me what... What I was 'supposed' to do... I... Shadow has... Has been... He's been telling me things... He... He's always... T-Torm-menting me... And... I just... It... God... Sting, I hate myself so much... Ever since I found out, I've been... Been so depressed about it... I don't want to... and I'm always... Always so anxious... and I just... Hell... I've always hated myself. Since Skiadrum... I... How the hell could anyone else love me when I can't even..." he fell silent for a moment before continuing. "And Shadow isn't the only one... There... There are others... And they're getting worse every day... I can't take it anymore Sting... They won't go away... And I... I don't... I don't want to feel like I'm depending on you just to feel okay and-" Before he could finsh, Sting had hugged him.
"Well don't worry about that. If you have to depend on me, then do it... I'll be here for you, and I'll keep you safe," he said. "I'll always keep you safe." Rogue looked at him and then down again.
"But Sting... I'm... I'm using you... That's not... That's not right!" he said shaking his head and squeezing his eyes closed against his tears. "And I keep having nightmares about killing you! I don't want that to happen!" he cried. Sting let go of his hand then, and sat on the edge of the bed, and put his hands on either side of Rogue's head. Rogue's eyes slowly opened and he stared up at Sting in surprise.
"I don't care," Sting said nonchalantly. "Use me. If it makes you feel better, if it helps you heal, I don't care. And as for the nightmares, that's all they are. You're just psyching yourself out. Your future self disappeared, because the future changed, and that means your not going to kill me. I promise it won't happen. And I can try and make them go away, I don't care what it takes. And I promise you, I'll find a way to get rid of Shadow. I promise." Rogue stared at him, more tears spilling.
"S-Sting..."
"I promise," he whispered. He locked eyes with Rogue, before slowly leaning down. Rogue's eyes widened and he gasped, seconds before Sting's lips pressed gently against his. His eyes slowly closed, more tears spilling before Sting pulled back, and they opened again. Sting smiled softly at him, and then kissed his forehead.
"Get some sleep. You need it. I'll be here when you wake up, I promise."