Disclaimer: The characters in this work of fan fiction were created and are owned by Stephenie Meyer. I do not claim any ownership over them or the world of Twilight.
WARNING: THIS STORY MAY CONTAIN TRIGGERS. This story begins with alcohol dependency themes. I will provide warnings at the beginning of later chapters should I write about different triggering issues. Please PM me for more information.
Summary: Bella never went to the meadow in New Moon because the memories were too painful. Instead, she searches for various ways to cope. The choices she makes culminate into one horrible night. Rated M for later chapters. Eventual Edward x Bella.
AN: This is my first fanfiction, so please let me know if you have any suggestions/recommendations. This story is something I've been sitting on for a while and I've been really torn about whether to post it at all. I have a few more chapters already written and will keep writing more if people actually like it - so let me know in the reviews if you want me to keep going! Essentially, Bella kind of annoyed me in New Moon and I finally was able to figure out why - I feel like if Bella were truly in the pain that SM described, she would have spiraled (hence the name of the story... I know, creative right?...) if it weren't for Jacob. But then Jacob gets all "wolfey" and there's a window where I thought Bella's story could have taken a different path. So this is kind of like a whole "turn left instead of right" scenario. Also, in later chapters there are going to be some mature themes (although drinking alcohol is arguably a mature theme?). I will put disclaimers before any chapter that could contain potential triggers.
AN (x2): The part of the text separated by "~~~" are direct passages from New Moon. The passages between "~~~" are the sole property of Stephenie Meyer.
AN (x3): For those of you who haven't read the series in a while - my story starts out right before Bella goes looking for the meadow without Jacob. Charlie is going fishing but worried about leaving her home alone. She lies and says she's going over to Jessica's house.
Okay... rambling done. I hope you enjoy what I've written!
BPOV:
~~~ I was glad that Charlie was in a hurry. He didn't wait for me to call Jessica, so I didn't have to put on that charade. I went through the motions of gathering my schoolbooks on the kitchen table to pack them in my bag; that was probably too much, and if he hadn't been eager to hit the holes, it might have made him suspicious.
I was so busy looking busy that the ferociously empty day ahead didn't really crash down on me until after I'd watched him drive away. It only took about two minutes of staring at the silent kitchen phone to decide that I needed something to do today. I considered my options.
I wasn't going to call Jessica. As far as I could tell, Jessica had crossed over to the dark side.
I could drive to La Push and get my motorcycle—an appealing thought but for one minor problem: who was going to drive me to the emergency room if I needed it afterward?
Or...I already had our map and compass in the truck. I was pretty sure I understood the process well enough by now that I wouldn't get lost. Maybe I could eliminate two lines today, putting us ahead of schedule for whenever Jacob decided to honor me with his presence again. I refused to think about how long that might be. Or if it was going to be never. ~~~
This was a tempting option, but as I sat mulling it over, I started thinking about the meadow… and him. His smile flashed across my mind and before I knew it, I was hunched over in a ball on the kitchen floor, trying to catch my breath.
I don't know how long I sat there. My body was shaking, cold from the long contact with the hard linoleum. After what seemed like hours, but was probably only minutes, I mustered up the strength to grab the fridge door to help pull me from the ground.
This was a mistake. No sooner had I grabbed the handle on the fridge than the door was swinging open causing me to lose my grip and slam my head hard on the floor. Rubbing the sore spot on the back of my head, I got up to close the fridge door. Right before I shut it, I noticed Charlie's beers stacked neatly on the bottom shelf. I stared, considering.
I knew Charlie wouldn't be home for a while. But the responsible voice in my head kept scolding the wayward idea that was now weaving through my mind.
"You really shouldn't. It's so irresponsible and won't solve anything," she admonished.
Still, I stared.
"Think of how angry Charlie will be when he gets home and his beer is missing."
"But… Charlie doesn't keep track of his beers because I'm always overly responsible… And he has a bunch of open cases in the garage that I can use to restock before he gets home," said a small voice, growing in volume.
"You promised Edw… him," hissed the responsible part of my subconscious in retort.
That one little slip that sent a shock through my ribcage was all I needed to make up my mind. I grabbed a beer, shut the door, and went up to my room.
I sat on my bed and snapped open the cold can. I could only remember trying beer once, at a much younger age on one of those rare occasions when I was visiting my dad here in Forks. I had asked him if the beer he was drinking was any good.
"It's an acquired taste," he had grumbled, still staring at the TV, watching whatever game was roaring in the background. "Wanna try a sip?"
He held it out to me, eyes still glued to the TV screen. I tentatively reached forward, wrapped my hand around the can, and took a small sip. The cool liquid had barely reached my tongue before I gagged in disgust.
Chuckling, Charlie took the can back, "I guess I don't have to worry about you stealing my beers."
How wrong he was. Guiltily I took a sip of the can I was clutching. Bleh. It was still disgusting. But I had already opened it, and it felt like a complete waste of guilt to just dump it down the drain.
I held my breath and took a long gulp. It burned going down my throat, the fizzing stolen liquid marking its path to my stomach. I took another sip. And another. The can was halfway gone before I realized it actually wasn't that bad. Before long, I had gulped down the remaining dregs.
I didn't really feel any different. I sat on my bed for a while, hoping something would happen. I had heard about people feeling light and carefree after drinking, but I still felt empty and alone.
After a few more minutes of waiting to see if the beer would affect me, I resignedly got up figuring I should replace the can in the fridge before I forgot. I looked around for my shoes, spotted them peeking out from under my bed, grabbed them and the empty can, and made my way to the garage. Once I had smashed the can and placed it with the others in the recycling bin, I picked up one of the warm cans from an open box in the corner.
"Maybe I could have just one more," I thought. I grabbed a second can from the box and hurriedly rushed toward the kitchen. Taking another cold beer from the fridge, I stuffed the two warm beers in the place of their missing counterparts. Again, I ran up to my room, threw my shoes in my closet, and collapsed on my bed.
I cracked open the second can and took a quick gulp. Still… nothing. Halfway through, I really had to pee. I put the beer on my bedside table and went to the bathroom. I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror and noticed I was a little flushed... but maybe it was only my imagination. Walking back to my room, I guess I felt a little looser. But the emptiness was still there and the ever-present hole in my chest still burned around the edges.
Finishing the second beer, I glanced over at my clock. It was only 10:48am. It hadn't even been three hours since Charlie left. I tried to convince myself that I didn't feel any different, even though I was sure that feeling of looseness was somehow related to the two beers I had consumed.
"What's two more going to do, anyway? Not like I have any plans today or anyone to hang out with thanks to Jacob's determination to avoid me." I thought, recklessly.
Soon, I was sitting on my bed again with three cold beers on the table after convincing myself that if two more beers weren't going to do anything, three probably wouldn't either. There were now five warm beers in the fridge. I really hoped the weather stayed warm and Charlie didn't come back from fishing before the beers cooled a bit. Opening my third can, I thought maybe I should have put the warm cans at the back of the fridge, rather than the front.
Taking a few gulps, I decided I really didn't care if Charlie noticed. What's the worst he could do? Ground me? I had essentially grounded myself ever since…he… left. And now that I seemed to no longer have Jacob, grounding wouldn't exactly be punishment.
Halfway through the fourth beer, I needed to pee, again. "Why do people drink beer? I just feel full and I keep having to pee," I mumbled out loud.
I must have stood up too fast because I swayed a little on my feet and almost completely lost my balance. Hmm. Maybe alcohol wasn't the best idea for the hopelessly uncoordinated.
About to start my fifth beer, I decided to call Jacob and give him a piece of my mind. I went to the kitchen and quickly dialed his number.
"Black." Came a deep voice.
"Jacob?" I whispered, shocked he had actually picked up. I started to panic silently, whatever buzz I had seemed to be wearing off right when I needed it most for the courage.
"Bella?" Jacob's voice carried through, that slight bitter edge still clipping to his pronunciation of my name.
"Why haven't you called? I've beentryingto make Billy giveyou the phone. He keepsssaying you aren't in!" I shouted through my end of the receiver.
"Bella, I can't understand you when you're shouting and talking so fast. Look, I gotta go."
He had hung up before I could even manage a retort. Stupid Jacob. I slammed the phone back down and went back into the garage, my feet stinging slightly against the cold ground. I grabbed three more beers to replace the one's I was about to get from the fridge.
Once in my room, I was about to start on the fifth beer but was hit by a wave of nausea. I laid down on my bed but instantly regretted this decision as the room started to spin. Feeling the stomach acid rising in my mouth, I hurled myself off my bed. I quickly grabbed the nearby trashcan, and threw up the contents of my stomach.