So pretty much I was watching Cop Out for the umpteenth time and then I thought "HEY! What if the Sonic characters starred in this movie? That's be hilarious!" I love it, so damn funny; AAAH, Tracy Morgan! I wrote it in a rush, so there'll probably be some spelling mistakes -spare me, grammar nazis!
If you haven't seen the movie, be prepared for a bunch of F-bombs and swearing XD (I suggest you watch the movie!)
If you have seen the movie, you'll notice that I've changed some things around.
I don't own any SEGA characters or the movie/movies mentioned. Enjoy the story~
Station Square; a beautiful city as big and busy as New York but this particular city wasn't just famous for its main attractions of beaches, casinos and restaurants but the people; Mobians, to be exact. Since Eggman's defeat, the years passed on and their popularity simmered down to the point where they could live normal lives and settle down; this is where our story begins.
The G.U.N headquarters bustled with agents and local police men who came together to take down the biggest mobsters and criminals in America. Being a special military organization, they also took care of other problems that arose from other parts of the world although it originated in the States.
"We finally caught a smuggler, he might be our best lead to find the rest of the counterfeit ring mob." said one of agents as he sipped his coffee.
"Good thing too, the Commander called in some of the Mobians to help the investigation. No doubt he'll ask for help from Sonic and Shadow; anyways as soon as they make it in, we're starting the interrogation." said the other.
As the two men continued to talk, two Mobians calmly walked down the hall as everyone watched them intently. One was a hedgehog who had been working with G.U.N for quite some time and was their top agent; with black and red stripes, Shadow the Hedgehog wasn't hard to miss and always got the job done. The other Mobian was a red echidna, a close friend to the famous Sonic the Hedgehog but his friendship with Shadow had grown ever since his wife, Rouge the Bat, who also worked as a G.U.N agent had gone on maternity leave; Knuckles gladly took her place as an agent for the time being.
Subtly, they headed towards the interrogation room and closed the door behind and began to plan out their strategies as they watched a red falcon by the name of Drench sit nervously in the interrogation through a the viewing glass.
"It's about time they caught this clown. He's been helping smuggle heavy amounts of counterfeit rings into some of the states, you won't find kids sipping juice boxes in alleyways." Shadow said dully.
"Shadow, we've been working together on this case for months now and we're finally gonna crack it open and get hit with all this shit., but pretty much all I'm trying to say is Happy Wedding Day." Knuckles exclaimed as he whipped out a card and gave it to Shadow, "The store ran out of normal congratulatory cards and only had adult themed cards."
"Okay, first of all, the wedding isn't until next month and second is screw you, Knuckles! I can't afford to screw up my relationship with Amy because of your bull." Shadow growled.
"Friggin' maniac…" Knuckles commented with admiration towards Shadow and turned his attention back to the criminal, "How are we gonna get the information?"
"Same strategy we always pull; you take down notes and I interrogate him." replied Shadow.
"Oh, so the top agent gets the pick now, does he? I remember the last time you interrogated a criminal, his ass ended up in the dumpster. It's my turn to be the bad guy!" said Knuckles.
"I don't think so."
"I think so!"
"No, I don't because you don't just interrogate the guy, you just take all the stupid lines from movies and show you've watched and use it against the criminal."
"It's professional acting! It's called homage; homage as in 'you better interrogate this fool.'"
"Whatever, fine. Find out who else is involved in the ring and just be quick about it." said Shadow as he pinched the bridge of his nose.
"Watch and learn, Slim Shaddy! I'm about to show you some french-ass homage." declared Knuckles as he walked out of the viewing room.
Shadow shook his head at his partner and decided to see what this card was all about; his wedding to Amy Rose was right around the corner and if he was able to solve this case by this week, he and Knuckles would be depositing money into their accounts more often. Pulling the card from his quills, he pulled off the bright pink envelope and unveiled a maroon coloured card with a white wedding cake and the words "On the honeymoon…" in scripted in gold at the top. Nervous as to what was inside the card; he opened it up to a picture of a stripper popping out the cake and began to read the card.
"I'mma let you lick the icing off and make you my bitch."
Congratulations, Shadow!
-Knuckles
P.S. Pay no attention to the awkward greeting...
Shadow once again shook his head and let out a snicker, "Idiot."
Meanwhile, outside the interrogation room, Knuckles unstrapped his gun belt and began to unload his gun. Taking a breath, he began to run in place; suddenly he felt the need to hit something and swung his leg at the water dispenser which began to bounce off the walls and slammed him in the face. Rubbing his bump, he took another deep breath and prepared himself to enter the interrogation room; kicking the door open, he rushed in and slammed the door closed.
"Woah, man-"sputtered the red falcon.
"Oh shi-! Are you a cop?" Knuckles yelled out as he pointed the empty gun towards Drench.
"No! I'm no! No!"
Turning his head towards the door and grasping his gun tightly, Knuckles began to yell again, "I don't have the drugs but if I did, my drag queen mama would cram her boot leg heel up your ass!"
"Buddy, are you trouble too?" asked Drench.
"You!" Knuckles blurted out, scaring the falcon, "My mama doesn't concern your ass!"
As this unusual turn of events took place, Shadow watched his partner incoherently scream at the scared falcon, "Here he goes..." he sighed.
"See this gun! I shanked a cop for it!" Knuckles cried out as he pointed his gun around the room and his attention was caught off when his cellphone began to ring. Reaching into his quills, he shoved the phone into Drench's face before yelling again, "And I took the bastard's phone too! If you move, I'll shoot your friggin' head because Mike Tyson ain't got nothin' on me! Who's this?" Knuckles asked as he answered the phone.
"Having fun?" a monotone voice asked through Knuckles receiving end.
"Who the hell is this?" Knuckles asked again.
"You are a pathetic excuse for an actor, dammit!" Shadow responded sternly.
"I took him to the candy shop and shot the bitch 9 times!" shouted Knuckles as he began to uncuff Drench from the table and pulled the criminal into a chokehold.
"Just get the information so we can go out and nab the other smugglers!" exclaimed Shadow.
"I took him down street and a gang war started!"
"All I can hear is gibberish."
"Give me the money or nobody's gonna live, beeetch!"
"I swear half your saliva is ending up through my side of the phone and oh yes, one more thing…"
"What?"
"You're not my type." Shadow smirked.
Disconnecting the call, Knuckles rolled his eyes and forced the criminal on to the side of the room as Shadow snickered in amusement and turned back to entertainment occurring in the interrogation room.
"You can't just ask people why they're white!" Knuckles said as he yelled at Drench.
"Let's see…uum, Mean Girls." Shadow whispered to himself.
"DO-YOU-UNDERSTAND-THE-WORDS-THAT-ARE-COMING-OUT-OF-MY-MOUTH?"
"Rush Hour?"
"BIOLOGICAL CLOCK - my career, your life, our marriage, and let me see, what else can we pile on? Is there any more SHIT we can pile on to the top of the outcome of this case?"
"My Cousin Vinny."
"HAKUNA MATATA, MOTHERFUCKER!" Knuckles cried out as he shoved Drench into the table and tumbled over it.
"Lion King, no shit."
"Say it…say it out loud..." Knuckles whispered into the falcon's ear and turned to the mirror on the wall and whispered again in hopes Shadow would get the name of the movie, "Twilight…"
"Who the hell are you, man?" Drench asked in fright.
"They call me, Tituba! I love me Betty!" Knuckles said as he pulled Drench away from floor and pulled him once into a chokehold.
"Hey, hey, calm down, I was taken in for the counterfeit ring smuggling too!" exclaimed Drench.
"What? You're the bastard that's been taking out my business?" Knuckles yelled as Drench began to run away but to pulled back and smashed his face against the mirror, "I'm gonna contort your ass!"
"Help! This guy is crazy!" Drench screamed as Shadow began to laugh at the idiot from the window; breathing against the window, he wrote out 'Gaydar Overload' in a speech bubble on the condensation.
Back in the interrogation, it was time for the finale and with one swift kick, Knuckles had the table back on its legs and slammed the falcon's face against the table, "What does the ringleader have you do?" Knuckles questioned.
"I- the counterfeit rings get shipped to me and then a guy picks it up the next day from my store!" Drench stammered through his clenched teeth.
"Who picks it up!" Knuckles asked harshly and gripped the falcon's red feathers tighter.
"Storm the Albatross! There I said it!"
The door slammed opened as Shadow walked in and began to help Knuckles cuff the red falcon back to the table. Confused and unaware of what the hell was going, Drench watched both the Mobians before turning back to the burning red eyes of Shadow.
"Alright, Drench, you're going to give us more information on the pick-up and maybe you won't have to be manhandled by your cell mate in a low budget jail." Shadow said sternly.
"You better hope you don't send you down there now!" Knuckles mumbled humorously.
"The pick-up…it's today, I'm meeting him at noon." stuttered Drench.
"Thanks for the help because you just got blind sighted by a black shadow!" Shadow blurted out and slapped Drench's face.
"AND A SPIKY AAASS!" Knuckles bellowed before they walked out of the interrogation room to an applauding crowd and headed out of G.U.N headquarters.
As the city continued on with its daily routine, the important case of apprehending the ring counterfeiters progressed while the civilians bustled on unaware of the plan of action that was about to occur. Shadow laid low on top of a nearby building as a back-up in case things went wrong and as he watched for Storm the Albatross through his binoculars, he also kept an eye on his partner who was disguised in a banana suit.
"Get your groceries here, folks! Get 'em here at Station Mart!" sang Knuckles as he danced around, "You should get some chocolates and get back to your soap operas!"
"Yeah, because that really gets a girl's attention, Knucklehead." Shadow answered through his head microphone.
"Doubt it; I'm the idiot standing around in a banana suit. I think I should call Rouge and see how she's holding up." replied Knuckles.
"Can you hold it off 'til- woah, wait a minute…" said Shadow as he spotted a car pull up on the side and a large, buffed grey albatross exited the car, "I think we have our guy, Knuckles, to your right."
Looking over to the right from the corner of his eye, Knuckles spotted a grey albatross approaching the Station Mart that Drench owned and continued to dance, "Get 'em here, folks! Come on down!"
Stepping into the store, Storm began to converse with Drench who stood behind the counter and pulled out a large metal box. It was the usual trade-off between cash and rings that took place at the Station Mart.
"Was the boss pleased with the shipment?" asked Drench as he began to open the box for Storm to check.
"Stop asking questions and just let me see the box." Storm responded back harshly as he pulled out a roll of cash and threw it on the counter.
"Shadow, he gave the box to Storm and he's getting the money." Knuckles mumbled into his microphone as he watched the deal progress within the store.
"Alright, we don't move in until Drench gives the signal." Shadow said as he watched the store carefully.
Back in the store, Storm began to check out the box of counterfeit rings while Drench counted out the cash and foolishly gave Knuckles the signal by brushing his hand through his hair and was caught by Storm. Looking outside the window towards Knuckles and back to the nervous red falcon that wouldn't make eye contact with Storm, the grey albatross shoved the metal box off the counter and before Drench could respond, he was thrown across the room and smashed down into the racks of products.
Acting quickly, Storm pulled out a pistol and shot out the store windows that rained down on Knuckles as he jumped down to avoid the bullets. The civilians ran and panicked from the sudden turn of events and quickly reacting to the situation, Shadow jumped down from the building to aid his partner.
"Knuckles, are you alright?" Shadow asked with concern.
"Storm's getting out through the back! Get to the car and cue back up! I'll get him on foot." Knuckles said as he spotted the albatross run out the back door of the store, "It's peanut butter-jelly time, motherfucker!"
Quickly, Shadow ran down over to the G.U.N car and started it up as he began calling in for back up before heading on a high speed pursuit, "This is Agent Shadow calling for back up. We have one man down and one agent dressed in a banana in pursuit to apprehend the criminal heading north on 4th Street."
Storm was fast as he zipped through crowds and Knuckles was hot on his trail but the banana suit was the only thing that kept him going even faster; if only he could reach for the zipper.
"Stop, you steroid-guzzling crow!" Knuckles belted out but it didn't stop Storm from running.
Soon enough, the echidna came across a drift store and noticed a penny-farthing bicycle on display by the windows and got an idea. Running into the store, he came across the owner and a group of teenagers, "G.U.N! Sir, I need that bike by the window! Emergency!" huffed Knuckles.
"I was buying it first!" said one of the teenagers.
"Well, too bad, kid! I need it, now!" replied Knuckles as he placed the money on the counter but was stunned when the teenager pulled the bike off the display and tried to ride off with it.
"Hey, kid! I said G.U.N! Now, get off!" Knuckles said as he pushed the kid off the penny-farthing bicycle and rode it down the street in haste. Unfortunately for Knuckles, the Doberman that had accompanied one of the teenagers had gotten loose and began to chase after Knuckles; barking madly at Knuckles, the red echidna began to pedal faster to try and get away from the stark mad dog.
"Down! Down, you cramped-ass lassie!" Knuckles blurted out before the dog jumped and took Knuckles down and the bike with him too; screaming and kicking, Knuckles continued to fend off the crazy dog, "Bitch Pongo, get off me!"
Meanwhile, Shadow continued looking around the grey albatross as he drove around the neighbourhood and finally caught a glimpse of Storm jumping buildings; frustrated and annoyed, the dark hedgehog quickly got out of the car, pulled out a Chaos Emerald from his quills and chaos controlled himself on top of the building Storm had jumped over to. Ending up a few feet in front of Storm, Shadow pulled out his gun and Storm began to shoot over Shadow; taking protection behind a weatherproof electrical box, Shadow jumped out and returned fire. The firearms war didn't for long 'till Storm had finally run out of bullets.
"Slide the gun over and put your hands up, Storm! It's game over!" Shadow yelled over.
Storm's gun slid down to Shadow's feet and he stood up with his hands behind his head; Shadow watched the albatross intently before reaching down to pick up the gun for a second and looked back up to see that Storm wasn't there anymore; he was sliding down the electricity lines until he finally let go and landed up on the middle the street and made another dash.
"Dammit!" Shadow growled before he teleported himself back down to ground zero through Chaos Control again.
Unaware of the heavy traffic, Shadow kept his eyes on the retreating albatross and before he could run, a small Chevy rammed right into the dark hedgehog, sending him over the car and falling off the side. Groaning in pain, he pulled himself up on all fours and his eyes fell upon his partner who was pedalling over to him in a rush on a penny-farthing.
"What the hell, Shadow? I'm pulling 300m/hour and you're friggin' crawling around like some brain-dead snail?" Knuckles belted out.
TAAA-DAAA! The beginning of the movie is hilarious and there's much more too come!