You`re the Shi no Senshi…always…
I`m so tired of not being like everyone else. Not being able to run with them when I`m late to class, or when Chibi-Usa wants to go out somewhere. I want to be able to laugh with people I don`t know, who cares if I never see them again? Someday, I won`t be so shy. I`ll be able to stand up and say, "My name is Hotaru Tomoe, and I am important."
Maybe I wouldn`t say it like that, I don`t want someone I just met to think I`m insane! I don`t think that any of the other senshi has it easy, but I hope none of them are as bad off as I am. I want them to be as happy as they can. Even if we have to fight, and maybe give our lives for our cause, I want them to be happier than I am right now.
My social life is non-existant. The only people I can speak to on a regular basis are the other senshi. Pluto understands more of how I feel than the others, I think. She looks so sad sometimes. Someone told me once that I looked like a lost little girl. I told the old woman that I wasn`t lost, I was just waiting for my father. I wish I could have let her know how lost I feel. I don`t know where I`m heading. I just know that I am not enjoying the road to get there.
People I don`t know stare at me whenever I walk outside. They point and call me a "goth", laughing with their friends. I want to have friends to laugh with. No to laugh at someone, but to laugh at anything we find funny. I hope I never end up like those artificial girls, who only care about make-up, boys, and clothes. They look like Barbies ™ for goodness sake! How can they even stand up in those shoes?
Every day, I catch myself people-watching. I can`t help it. That`s what I do.Sometimes, someone looks so happy I want to ask them what made them smile so much. Other times the same person can be crying their eyes out, and without even knowing why, I know that I envy that person. They can show their emotions without a care in the world. Why can`t I be like that?
The girls try to sympathize, but they are allowed to cry. I wasn`t allowed human contact for the thousands of years that I was asleep. When I was sleeping, I didn`t know what was going on around me, but I also didn`t know what it was like to feel. Even then people feared me.
Now they avoid me. The kids at school are afraid that I will curse them, or try and kill them. I want someone who isn`t afraid of me.
I don`t understand these people. They act afraid of me until they want something from me. One of the "Barbies" ™, always asks to borrow my homework, so she can check hers. I let her do it once, stupid me. Now she thinks that I`ll do it all the time. I don`t understand why people try to use each other. They won`t get any further ahead. They will just manage to make everyone else hate them.
Don`t get me wrong, I don`t hate them. I just despise the way they treat each other. Don`t they understand that other people can feel pain too? That others can cry, scream, and rant about them? Oh, wait.. I can`t. Even though I have emotions, it`s hard to let them show. I want to let everyone know how I feel, but that would give me the disadvantage in battle. I hope one day I can take care of myself better, it`s hard not to let it show.
I hope…I hope… I hope I`m really not the Shi no Senshi.