A/N: This is the first of what will most likely be a series of unrelated one-shots based on the season finale. Although I certainly don't need readers/reviewers to continue this (it's more for my grieving process, however pathetic it is to grieve for a TV character, than anything), I would love input. The one-shots speak for themselves.
"Hold on… hold on… it's okay, it's okay, it's all going to be okay…" the words lose their meaning after awhile, but Ryan doesn't notice. She is lying here in his arms, the last of her life draining away from her. He struggles, trying to hold in the tears. It's already too late; they are breaking through, and he won't be getting any merciful pardon from them. Later on, he'll look back and think of a million things that he should've done before everyone else came and took her away from him; he should've brushed that one invisible strand of hair out of her eyes, held her a little bit closer; he should've said "I love you" even though they both knew it and told her how beautiful she looked; most of all, he should've said that he'd always believed that they would eventually end up together, that he still didn't believe that it was over even now. Instead, he simply holds her.
It isn't fair. So many things had gone wrong for both of them. Together, they'd been dysfunctional at best. How many times had he broken her heart? How many times had he refused to let the world see just how torn up he was when they failed to make it work yet again? They'd always come back to each other, though. They'd always known, deep down, that it would never just be Ryan or just Marissa, that it would always be Ryan and Marissa: to their friends, to their family, to Newport… to them.
It's still a haze; he can't remember if he carried her to a hospital or if he called an ambulance, but somehow she ended up in a hospital and he's separated from her once again, forever. "Please… I'm not hurt. I just need to go and hold her, to make sure she's okay," he argues with the doctors, but they're being insistent and he's too weak to argue. When will he stop wishing that he'd pushed through them and stayed with her, even if it wasn't really her any longer, just for a little while? It will seem to haunt him constantly, when he finally sees beyond the four walls caging him in.
Sandy and Kirsten and Julie and Neil are the first to show up, followed by Seth and Summer. They've saved the news of Marissa's death for their arrival. Seth is for once at a loss for words, and he holds Summer woodenly while she weeps. Julie immediately becomes angry: angry at Volchok for crashing the car, angry at Ryan for driving, and angry with Marissa for being true to her nature and needing to slip away instead of staying with her. If only Marissa had been willing to stay and give Berkley a try, give her family and college and happiness a try, none of this would've happened. Julie yells and she screams and she creates a scene. The doctor tries to subdue her, and sedatives are suggested, but by the time the nurse has come Julie is in a heap on the floor crying, and a still-shocked Neil is holding her, shielding her. Kirsten simply sits in a chair with her hand covering her mouth, and Sandy, tears dangerously close to brimming over, asks in hushed tones about Ryan, the one of the two who has survived.
Seth is Ryan's first visitor. "Hey man… I'm so sorry," he says. "We didn't know about Volchok, we didn't realize… we should've been there," he continues, repeating it over and over again. "We should've been there. We should've been there. Should've… should've… been…"
"I wasn't strong enough to save her." Ryan's face contorts with pain, and he begins to cry completely for the first time. "I… I wasn't even strong enough to insist that they let me stay with her, to keep her warm. I just left her." Seth places a hesitant hand on his shoulder, surprised at the crushing force of Ryan's hug. They're men, and they shouldn't hug and cry. But Ryan's lost her, he's lost her forever, and Seth isn't about to stand by and begrudge him his grief. All my fault… What is there to say to that? How do you convince someone that they couldn't have changed fate? So Seth simply hugs him.
Sandy visits next, offering more hugs and a comfort that Seth can't. Sandy, who is so much a father to Ryan. Sandy, who would have been willing to take Marissa in… was it really the beginning of the year when he and Marissa were so new again, so freely in love? "I miss her."
"I know," Sandy says, his eyes holding pity and sorrow and a spark of anger at the injustice of it all.
"We were… we would've made it. She just needed to be free of it all. Sandy, she would've made it. We would've made it." It's repetitive, but it doesn't stop the words from bringing a fresh wave of tears to Sandy's eyes each time Ryan repeats it. Isn't it true? Sandy wonders. Wouldn't they have made it? That makes him more angry than any of the other thoughts, even: they were just two kids. Disillusioned kids, but kids all the same.
Julie comes in, and Ryan looks at her tiredly, expecting blame. He doesn't receive it, though; Julie knows that although no one could ever love Marissa half as much as her, Ryan maybe, just maybe, began to come close. "You were with her, weren't you?" He nods, tears still running down his face, with no connection to the incoherent thoughts he can hardly form. "Then she wasn't alone? She wasn't… my girl…" Julie breaks off, the weight of it too much for her. Ryan is unable to respond, and so she comes closer to him, forcing both of them to look each other in the face. "She was with you? She knew that she was loved?"
"I held her when…" no more can come out, and Julie understands. She's satisfied, and in a moment of uncharacteristic compassion, she touches his shoulder lightly, leaving. Kirsten comes in quickly, sitting down on the bed next to him, taking him in her arms. She and Ryan have never been much for physical affection, but it's natural to her now, the only thing that makes sense.
"Oh, Ryan, I'm so, so sorry…" He's gone, only a shell of him left. His face is hollow and he won't speak, but still she rocks him back and forth as more tears flow. When she finally leaves, a doctor is once again looking skeptically at one of the group; Summer, this time.
"I don't care about your fucking visitor policy, do you understand?" The doctor tells her to keep it down, reminds her that she can see him tomorrow – "My best fucking friend in the whole world just died. My… my sister… we were going to be… she just died. And the only other person in the world who knows what I'm feeling is in there, and there is no way in hell that you're keeping me from him!" Her voice is cracking, her lips are chapped and her face is blotchy. When Graduation Day began, she didn't have a hair out of place, and now every single strand is tangled and messy, though she hardly cares. The doctor sighs, giving in for reasons neither understand, and she storms past him. "Chino? Are you… are you awake?" She's suddenly timid, reverting to a name that she gave him long ago and hardly ever uses anymore.
"We weren't over. We were… she knew that I loved her, didn't she, Summer?" Ryan is finally back, and there is a broken hope in his eyes that rips her remaining strength to shreds. Ugly, strangled sounds make their way up through her throat before she can reach out and take his hand and reply.
"Ryan, she knew. She always, always knew." More words want to come, but they won't, so she simply takes a place on the edge of the bed, resting her head on top of his.
"Good. It's good that she knew," he whispers, and they slowly fall asleep.