Dear Diary,

It's been a while since I've been with him. At least he let me spend the weekend with Scar, even though it's probably just to get some alone time with that redneck chic.

I miss him. Everything about him.

I miss the way his ruby eyes gleamed with excitement when he watched someone suffer.

I miss how he gazed at me, the crimson eyes full of love.

I miss how he would hold me close, wrap me in his arms and not let go.

I miss being able to hug him, bury my face into his chest, and feel like the safest person beyond the realms of this materialistic world.

I miss how I would rest my head on his chest, as he laid beside me tracing the contours of my spine.

I miss how his mouth would encase mine, the coolness of his lips seething over mine as sparks flew around me.

I miss how we used to touch, his pale, smooth, unblemished skin never leaving mine. It was beautiful.

I miss how every time he would kiss my neck, I would get Goosebumps.

I miss the way his long fingers would brush through my long tangled curls.

I miss being able to lock my fingers into his smooth, thick, dark hair and hold on.

I miss how he would wrap his arms around me from behind, every time I shivered with cold.

I miss laughing by his side, every time our daughter did something hilariously impressive.

I miss how a single look in each other's eyes could automatically pour an entire river of thoughts, how we could sense each other's feelings so well.

I miss being lost in those eyes, in that touch, in that moment, lost in love.. Hislove. His precious love. The love that I betrayed.

I miss it all. I miss being able to hold him close to me, knowing that I belonged to him, and he belonged to me. That feeling of togetherness completed me.

Now it feels like there's a hole burning in my chest. An awful feeling which makes me think I am going to fall apart.

I blew it. I pushed him away the moment I kissed George. I lost it all. Why does it hurt so much? Does it hurt him as well? Does he have any idea how much it hurts me. I don't like it.. It's too human. It's worse than being hit with a Cruciatus curse five times over.

He had never laid his wand on me before, until that one night, unintentionally so. But still. It stung when his hand smacked me across the face, it hurt when he cursed me that night in the Forbidden Forest. But deep down I know I deserved it. I was guilty, and I needed to be punished. He deserves much better. Much better.

Now there's this new girl.. Well, new to me at least. Squib, muggle, or mudblood, it doesn't matter. She's got everything that I have to live without. She better hold him tight, give him all her love, look in those beautiful eyes, and know she's lucky.

Yes, I still love him. Why wouldn't I? The only reason I'm still alive and sane is because of him. He made me who I am. He's the reason for my existence. There's no life without him. There's nothing in this world without him. I do love him, even someone blind can easily tell. But it's too late. I had my chance and I blew it. I hope she gives him whatever I failed to give him. She better love him with her heart, bring out the best in him, and if she ever hurts him...

-Bellatrix Black.