Title:Invasion of the Jellied Eels
Summary: Inter-Galactic Eels ask for the surrender of Owen Harper, slayer of kin. (Season 1 spoilers)
Rating:T (Contains swearing)
Disclaimer: Totally not mine.
A/N Not very good but had an idea that needed to be written.
"Tosh, take a look at this." Ianto rose from the seat and gave Tosh access to her console.
"What is it?" she asked, stuffing the piece of pizza into her mouth as she sat at her workstation. "Looks like one of our satellites detected a transmission from space." She typed frantically on the keyboard, "Oh, it's being sent through the inter-galactic diplomatic frequency." That piqued Gwen's interest. She forgot about the pizza and stood behind Tosh looking at the screens. "Who's sending us a message? Could it be Jack?" she asked hopefully, a hope that Ianto shared. "It's an audio feed. I'll put it through the speakers," Tosh replied.
It was a monotonous robotic voice that spoke through the speakers, "Voice synthesizer," Tosh thought, and this is what it said, "Uncultured uncivilized land dwelling apes of this backwater insignificant planet, it has come to the attention of the Inter-Galactic Eel Confederation that you have not only taken our brethren as food but have engaged in the most despicable act of jellifying eels! That most base and barbaric practice of The Great Dread Lord Cannibals of yore is forbidden and banned to all and sundry and no curse in any tongue of your wretched kind can convey the evil of it! Hand over that basest of all mortals Owen Harper, the kin-slayer, or prepare to be electrocuted!"
The three of them were shocked into silence. "Fuck, we're in for it now!" said Owen coming up the stairs from the autopsy chamber. He was looking at a printout in his hand, completely oblivious to all that happened a moment ago. "Those poor sods were being used as hosts by a Devraxion trying to breed. Ugly things with hides that are bullet proof. We'll need the big guns from the armoury and we'll have to be quick! Most of the eggs don't hatch, and thank God for that, but it's persistent and it'll keep taking people as hosts until one of its young hatches. Christ, haven't seen one of these things in years, not since Tosh came," he said. He looked up and found the three of them staring at him, "What! Do I have something on my face?"
Owen was struggling and kicking violently as Gwen and Ianto dragged him all the way up to the tourist information center and shoved him out the door. "What the fuck do you think you're doing! Let me go! Fuck you both! Fuck you Tosh!" "I'm sorry Owen, fate of the world and all that," said Gwen. Ianto threw a gun at Owen, shouting, "Catch! It's the least we can do! Good Luck!" He quickly closed the door before Owen can shoot both of them. "Tosh, this is all your fault! Jellied eels! Fucking Jellied eels!" he yelled at the top of his lungs. He did not have long to vent for no sooner had the door been closed, Tosh sent a communication to the Inter-Galactic Eel Confederation notifying them of Owen's position and he was promptly teleported onto their ship.
When Owen recovered from the nausea caused by teleportation, he found himself in a flooded room. The water was knee-high and slimy. It soaked through his shoes and jeans. The walls of the room were glowing with a blue light in ever changing patterns like the visualizations in a music player. Suddenly, from the corridor in front came a swarms of snake like eels. There were hundreds no thousands of them and they swam towards him, wrapping tightly around his feet. He shuddered and shivered at the slimy, clammy feel of the eels and tightened his grip over his gun. "Thank you so much, Ianto! I'll just shoot ten of them and let the other hundred eat me!" he thought sarcastically. Presently, a monotonous voice could be heard coming from the walls. "Move," it commanded and the clumps of eels forced him to move. It was slow and clumsy work for Owen had little control over his limbs and the floor of the spaceship was slippery. There were moments where he nearly tripped and he did not fancy getting in touch with the water face first.
After what seemed like ages in a dark damp cave, he came towards a brighter chamber. At the head of the room, curled upright was a huge eel with black beady eyes. It was not swimming in the water like the other eels but had half its body in the air, hissing like a giant snake, malice and rage showing through its eyes. On its head was a crown with jewels of pure white, in the shape of huge pearls but transparent as if made of clear glass. The blue pulsing light of the walls gathered around it, giving off the impression of a halo. Not your ordinary eel then. However, Owen's attention was drawn elsewhere, to the corpses littering around the great eel. Their clothes were untouched but it was not flesh that they cling unto, it was bone and skull. All flesh had been stripped from the bodies! One of the bodies in particular drew Owen's attention for it held a familiar device in its bony fingers, no those were claws, definitely not human. He had seen something like it before.
"Kneel," came the voice from the walls. "No fucking way," he thought to himself, looking at the muddied pool of water. The eels were not patient. They glowed a soft blue and sent an electrical charge through Owen, shocking him. He cried out, losing his balance, dropping into the water on all fours. He was drenched right to the chest and momentarily tasted the rank waters. He spluttered and shivered with disgust but managed to hold onto his gun. It was his lifeline.
"Are you Owen Harper?" asked the toneless voice. "Sorry, alien sex is not my thing. You're looking for the Captain…Ah!" he screamed as he was electrocuted again. "Are you Owen Harper?" it asked, again. "Yes and still not interested!"
The great eel rose higher and hissed at Owen. "I, Emperor of the Inter-Galactic Eel Confederation, on behalf of the conclave hereby sentence you, base born mortal to death! A thousand of our young shall be set upon thy flesh and for a hundred revolutions of your planet you shall writhe and scream in agony unending. Justice shall be done and the pain of our kindred and your barbarism shall be repaid. There shall be no mercy or pardon for you thrice accursed in all the tongues of the galaxy.…" On and on it went abusing Owen with every curse in every tongue, most untranslated by the voice synthesizer.
Meanwhile, Owen was desperately seeking for a way out. He no longer wanted to die or at the very least he felt that he owed it to Jack to at least try. Besides, he really needs to give Jack a piece of his mind for doing a runner on them. It's not every day that you get to scold your boss whom you had recently shot and he's not going to let such a golden opportunity go to waste. He looked again at the device on the body, struggling to recall what made it so familiar.
"What the hell is it? Is it a Sex fiend of Orion? Fire Lizards of Dome? Where have I seen it before?" He looked at the skeleton, taking a methodical approach, "Let's see, heavy ridged brow, 6-7 feet, three curved claws per hand, oh that's it!"
It was a Skuldorian Flame Thrower. A family of them once fell through the Rift and tried to "terraform" Cardiff into the hell that was their home. Owen tried to recall how Jack used the device before, "Was it right button, left button then twist the dial or did he push both button at once? Damn it!"
Owen poured all the rage and fear into his limbs and leaped with strength he did not know he had towards the device. The eels hissed and glowed and shot electric pulses at him. He was shocked multiple times but it did not faze him for he was possessed by the instinct for survival, the last struggle before the inevitable and it gave him strength enough to reach the Skuldorian. He took the device, pointed it-the right end hopefully- at the advancing eels and fired. A huge flame shot out from the weapon boiling away the water and incinerating the eels that were in the way. Owen backed away from the scalding steam looking for cover. As he retreated, he was swept off his feet and attacked by the Emperor. He rolled to his feet, aimed his gun, thankfully water proofed - Jack could be a genius sometimes, and emptied the gun into the Emperor. The Emperor writhed and hissed and struggled but his wounds bled and so it died. Rivers of blood flowed out of its body, congealing in the cool air. Owen stepped gingerly towards the Emperor, aiming the flame thrower at the doorway in case reinforcements arrive. He prodded the Emperor with his foot but there was no life in it. He crouched down to examine the dead eel, curiosity getting the better of him. He looked at the congealed blood, prodding it with his empty gun. "What the…" he muttered, eyes wide, disbelieving. He put the empty gun on the floor and touched the red puddle with his free hand. It was soft and bouncy to the touch. It felt like jelly!
Owen spent the next few hours kicking doors and incinerating remnants of the pesky eels. Eventually, he found the real crew and threatened to beat the answers out of them. It was the most fun Owen had had in awhile. There was no such thing as an Inter-Galactic Eel Confederation afterall. The ship belonged to the Eels, Eels, Eels! Corporation which specializes in eel based delicacies.
"We wouldn't have destroyed your planet, really! I swear," squeaked the terrified Captain which looked quite like a bipedal bull. "Oh really! It's ok then to feed me to a thousand eels and to be feasted on for a hundred days," replied Owen pilling on the sarcasm. "Maybe you'd like to find out first hand how that works!"
Apparently, some idiotic humans-or perceptive depending on your point of view, decided it would be a good idea to randomly select parts of cyberspace and broadcast it into deep space, "Fucking SETI lunatics!". It just so happen, Tosh's Harper's Jellied Eels website went into one of these broadcast. The Eels, Eels, Eels! Corporation intercepted the broadcast and was furious.
"This is an outrage! We have been developing jellied eels for years and now some monkey from a backwater planet gets the jump on us! I want him eliminated, at once! Make it slow and exceedingly painful! Even better let our eels feast on him! We'll even film it and pass the whole thing off as publicity. I'm bloody brilliant! Muahahaha!"
"That's what he said, CEO Agar-agar, it's not my fault really. Please don't hurt me!" begged the Captain of the ship.
A day later, Owen Harper found himself right back at the doorstep of the tourist information center. The aliens were behind bars thanks to the very helpful inter-galactic police and Owen got to keep his trusty flame-thrower. He found his friends injured and apologetic. Things had not gone well with the Devraxion. "You didn't tell us about the acid spewing tail," said Ianto mourning the death of his favourite suite. He forgave them. They bought him jelly beans, he treated their wounds. They made up. What's a little back-stabbing among friends?