The Inescapable Rise of Professor Darkbodie
By Vowwen
Muse/Sirius dialog/fits of druken rage: Rydia
Marauders era, Sirius/Remus, Gideon Prewett/Everybody, Post Infamous Feeding-Snape-to-Werewolf incident. Fudging a bit with various person's years, hence why Bellatrix Black and the Prewetts are still here. DISCLAIM'D!
Chapter One: Wherein it Becomes Clear that Denile is no Longer Merely a Historically and Culturally Significant Egyptian Tributary
"RUN YOU JAMMY PANTYWAIST BASTARDS, RUN!"
They broke out of the Forbidden Forest at a dead run. The sun was shining brightly over Hogwarts, as though there wasn't an army of unspeakable horror snapping at their heels.
"YOU ARE EXTREMELY STUPID," James yelled ahead to Sirius, who had longer legs and never looked back.
"How is this my fault?!" Sirius called back, before he blanched the color of sour milk and started running faster. James could hear the crashing underbrush as their pursuers followed them onto the broad, sunny lawns.
"Oh, la!" James panted "I am Sirius Black! Let us investigate rumors of Acromantulas! It'll be jolly good fun, wot wot!" James said. It was hard to imitate Sirius' upper-class drawl while he was panting, but he did his best.
"How was I supposed to know they were this aggressive, Prongs?!"
"They're GIANT SPIDERS, Padfoot! Not your mother's bloody Pekingese!"
Screams were echoing across the grounds as the chittering horde charged out of the Forest like a tsunami of gleaming, insectile menace. James could see the window of Gryffindor Tower glaring like a baleful eye down on him, and he knew, just knew, that Moony was looking down from the tower and saying, in that stupid I'm-such-a-smart-werewolf way: "Idiots."
And then undoubtedly turning from the window to peruse Ridiculously Advanced Magic for Those Without Social Lives And Yes We Mean You Remus John Lupin.
"RUN! RUN FOR YOUR TINY USELESS LIVES!" Sirius bellowed. People scattered.
All in all, it had turned out rather anticlimactic.
They'd barred the doors of the Great Hall, and Gideon Prewett, in his Ravenclaw way, had flung the Slytherin's table -upsetting a fair number of breakfasts- in front of the door to barricade it. The windows alongside the entryway had gone horribly dark with disgusting hairy spider-bodies, who were smashing through the glass and attempting to enter the castle when Dumbledore walked in, clad in a dressing gown and a pair of bunny slippers, waved his wand nonchalantly, turned, yawned, cracked his back, and walked out of the Great Hall towards his office.
The spiders had immediately assumed the mannerisms of a flock of soft, milk-fed kittens, chittering gently and walking back to the Forest. The windows repaired themselves, the Slytherin table flew back to it's original location, several injuries were treated, and all order restored from one flick of Dumbledore's wand.
"Wish I could do that." James murmured jealousy, as Heather Abbot cried loudly from the Hufflepuff table that the touch of Dumbledore's robe had cured her Dragon Pox.
"SIRIUS SHANNON BLACK!" thundered the voice of an irate, over-intellectual werewolf.
"Oh balls." James said, ducking out of sight and hopefully, out of mind.
"Acromantulas!" Remus shouted as he strode into the Hall before he smacked Sirius upside the head. "AcroMANTULAS?!" his voice increased alarmingly in volume and pitch.
"Sounds just like my sister," Gideon murmured.
"Kind of scary," James agreed, hiding behind Gideon's chair "Wait, the fat one?"
"You," Remus thundered "you...you..."
Sirius grinned, a little weakly "hey...sweetie?"
Remus' rage seemed to have reached the point of no vocalization. He'd swelled up disturbingly with unholy wrath, and James, from the sidelines, privately suspected that he was probably going to transform into a giant hairy killing machine right this instant, lack of full moon non-withstanding.
"Well, yes," Sirius responded, all of his carefully formulated explanations for Remus' ears flitting out the window like a happy, kittenish spider. "Yes, you see, there was this third year, and this stick, and then there was a book, and--well, yes. It seemed like a better idea before we did it, admittedly."
"Oh," Remus said, investing the word with a whole icy universe of scorn "A third year. A stick. A book. You're a prat, Sirius!"
Remus was vaguely aware that he was being hysterical, but was bemused to discover that he didn't really care. Five years of remaining calm in the face of Sirius Black's clearly congenital insanity (All that inbreeding, his father had sighed, after the one disastrous visit Sirius had made to the Lupin household where he'd shown up raging drunk and singing Muggle songs in a roaring voice, trying to convince everyone to "Join in". He'd tried to hold Remus' hand at dinner, blatantly ignoring the fact that his father was right bloody there) had worn him down.
"First," Remus said "You try to use me to kill someone-yes Severus counts as a person don't you dare interrupt me, but now you're almost getting yourself killed and getting the castle seized by irate arachnids-"
"Wow," Gideon said, buttering a scone, watching the drama unfold as though through opera glasses "They're pretty terribly obvious, aren't they?"
"Well, yeah," James said, before his brain caught up "Er, I mean, what prattle are you on about, Prewett?"
Gideon raised a single golden eyebrow "It's nothing that the whole bloody school with the possible exception of Hagrid doesn't already know, Potter."
"Er," James said "I have no idea what you're talking about."
"Not that I blame Remus of course," Gideon said taking a bite of his scone "Even if he is a complete show-off gimboid, I'd still cover the flawless planes of Sirius Black's chest with buttercream icing and lick it off."
"I'm, uh, not comfortable with you talking like that, Gideon. We've had this conversation before."
"Shh, shh," He cooed, petting James' head "you're making me miss the show."
Studying for NEWTS had left it's mark on Remus.
"You're a prat," Remus said in summation "An utterly, utterly pratly prat. And I hate you," Remus clarified, pausing briefly "You prat."
"Moony, you are overwrought. You are running on sixteen minutes of sleep--don't look at me like that, I saw you get up--and you are nearly dead from all that knowledge you spend every waking moment shoving into your head," Sirius said hastily. "And while it may be true that I am a prat, I am an unbelievably dashing prat, and you should be impressed with the fact that I am still alive and breathing. In fact, I really should take terrible offense that you are yelling because I am alive. But I know that you of course are simply confused by that lack of sleep thing I prattled on about earlier, and that you still love me, so I will forgive you in advance."
Remus very closely resembled a volcano about to erupt.
"Aaaaand, oh look, it's Professor McGonagall," Sirius added quickly. "I'd better be go taking my half dozen detentions now. I'll be seeing you later, then! Ciao!"
It was an indication of some sort of universal breakdown that Sirius would sooner deal with McGonagall and her endless detentions than face another moment of Remus' deadly scowl.
Remus' temper seemed about to reach some sort of critical mass, and then, with him glaring his epic hatred at the ne'er-do-well Scion of the Most Ancient and Historically Incestuous House of Black, it all turned abruptly around.
"Wait, before you go," Remus said, his eyes shining disturbingly in a manner James privately chalked down to sleep deprivation mixed with crazy werewolf Post-Lycanthropic Stress Disorder.
"Oh, man, gross," James said, covered his eyes "Oh god, Gideon, tell me when they've stopped."
"They're in love, you giant buzz-kill," Gideon said languidly "And Remus is such a secret vixen. Who knew?"
"They're my best mates," James said, in a state of total despair "And right now my best mate one is slipping my best mate two the tongue."
"Actually, Remus has moved on to his jaw line," Gideon noted "The minx," he added, totally unnecessarily.
James made a low keening sound behind Gideon's chair.
"You know, James," Gideon said, that horrible predatory note in his voice "a problem here could be your own personal boundaries. If you like, I could-"
"My love for Evans is totally monogamous and heterosexual, Prewett." James said sternly.
"She doesn't even know your first name."
"Yes she does!" James protested, popping his head out to glare ferociously, and catching sight of Sirius' dreadful wandering hands. "Ugh. Oh God."
He ducked behind the chair again.
"She does know my first name, doesn't she?" He said plaintively.
Gideon decided to lie, since James clearly required some sort of morale boost and he wasn't a complete bastard.
"Umm, sure she does. She says it all the time. Your first name," Gideon clarified "Now, if you don't mind, I'm trying to watch."
The show went on for quite some time before Fabian Prewett, who hated public displays of affection and (according to rumor) kittens, sunshine, and the laughter of children, rose from the Gryffindor table like an angel of righteousness with his History of Magic textbook and smashed it into the back of Sirius' head, giving him a mild concussion and abruptly ending the impromptu display.
There were a few groans of dismay, and some applause. Sirus grinned , eyes a little glazed, and waved at the assembled students as though it were only his due. Remus seemed to be fighting back the rage again, or possibly the desire to ravish Sirius Right Here, Right Now, and James really didn't think he'd be able to handle it. In fact, he thought he might go mad right this instant.
"Ah! Young love springs eternal!" sang a very pleased voice from beyond Sirius. It was Dumbledore, still dressed in his night clothes, complete with bunny slippers that were actively attempting to hop right off his feet. The Headmaster then was on his way, chuckling to himself and proving once again that he was clearly mad.
"Remus," Sirius said, blinking, "we just made out in front of the Headmaster." There was a very long pause. "That was bloody brilliant."
James, when not being horribly traumatized for life, was always astonished by how quickly Remus could switch gears.
"Oh my god," Remus said, instantly turning mauve "We just-we just, we made out in front of, like, everyone. Thank you, Fabian," He nodded to the slightly less infuriating Prewett "I don't know what came over me. It's, umm, it's terribly hot in this Great Hall. Heat. Swooning. Hot, sweaty, oh God. Um, I think I'll go back to studying now."
"Thank god," said the voice of James, which seemed to be emitting from the back of Bastard Prewett's chair.
"James," Remus said, embarrassment forgotten, suddenly remembering something. Or someone. "Get out here right now."
"No. Eyes hurt."
"Gideon, stop hiding James, please."
"He's under the table, Lupers." Gideon said, wagging his eyebrows "Connect the dots."
"I am not. You're gross!"
"Come on, James, we have to rescue Peter from the spiders. He's still in the Forest, I bet."
"Who?" James blinked "Oh, right. Peter."
"Come along," Remus said, flushing slightly as a couple of people from the Ravenclaw table -appropriately enough- wolf whistled.
"Why doesn't Sirius have to come back to the scary forest of death?" James protested feebly.
"Because he's semi-concussed and needs his rest," Remus said, shooting Sirius a motherly look.
"Just like my sister," Gideon muttered.
"Stop that," James ordered "Remus is nothing like Molly. For one thing, that girl terrifies me."
"You don't have to live with her," Gideon shuddered "always telling me I need a haircut, when am I going to find a nice girl and settle down..."
"Girl?"
"Mmm. She doesn't pay much attention. Doesn't bode well for the future, really. I bet she'll have six hundred children, and all of them will grow up neglected and fat because Arthur is a red-headed baboon and she cooks everything with a stick of butter and six pots of marmalade."
"Probably. Gideon, what are you wearing?" James said suddenly, narrowing his eyes.
"School robes," Gideon said innocently. They were indeed Hogwarts robes, except that his blue-and-bronze tie should probably be tied rather than draped around his neck like a silk scarf, and his robes probably shouldn't be slit down to his navel, showing entirely too much of his narrow torso with entirely too much tan for the middle of March.
The rumor was that he'd pestered Flitwick mercilessly for days until the tiny Professor had taught him a Sunlight Charm, which he'd used to turn his bed into an impromptu tanning salon.
"Gideon," James said seriously "You're a complete poufter."
"What, did you think Gryffindor had a corner on the mincing homosexual market?" Gideon remarked, gesturing at Remus, who appeared to be taking a moment too brush the twigs and leaves out of Sirius' hair with his fingers.
"What? Don't be stupid. They're just confused," James said, voice going slightly desperate "they're experimenting. Dad said it's perfectly natural. Hormones, they're so close, and, you know, stress, Sirius is estranged from his family, safe harbor, etcetera. NEWTS do that to people, I've heard. Not me, obviously, get your hand off my shoulder Gideon, but some people."
"They've been experimenting for like, eight months, right?"
"Seven and a half," James hissed "Not quite eight. Nowhere close to eight. I don't know what you're implying, you dreadful human being."
"Oh James," Gideon sighed.
"Dad said," James said, voice strained.
"You just keep on clinging, James."
Sirius, mollified by Remus and sitting happily at the Gryffindor table with gloriously twig-free hair and an enormous bowl of outmeal, waved cheerfully at Remus as he left the Hall, trailed by a glum James who seemed too defeated even to ruffle his hair, even though there were girls watching.
"Acromantulas?" Fabian Prewett asked from next to him.
"Hey, didn't you just hit me in the head?" Sirius asked, who was still slightly concussed and felt the need to clarify.
"Yes," Fabian responded flatly. "But really, Black. Acromantulas?"
"I didn't really expect them to want to eat me," Sirius responded absently. "I was hoping to form an arachnid army to eat the Slytherins."
"And you expected to reason with them?" Fabian asked dully.
"Of course. Is there anyone who cannot see the reasoning behind my desiring the death of all Slytherins?" Sirius asked with a clear expression of surprise. He gestured over to the table in question, where Bellatrix Black was standing on her seat, screaming something about blood traitors or some nonsense and casting hexes on any Hufflepuff she could see.
Fabian opened his mouth, and then closed it again, not finding it in him to disagree.
"I think the acromantulas rather wanted to eat everyone, though," Sirius went on glumly, shaking a few spiders out of his sleeve.
Gideon, meanwhile, deprived of his favorite spectator sport (boy love) and his favorite pastime (tormenting James), swanned over to the Gryffindor table to find new amusements.
"Budge up, Longbottom, I want to talk to my brother," he examined Frank's plate critically "are you really positive you need more bacon, Frank? I mean, really. I know Alice is hardly a svelte little thing but they might laugh your pudgy rear out of Auror Camp, you know."
Longbottom did as all sensible people did when confronted with a Prewett, Black, Snape or Lestrange of any stripe: he fled, never looking back.
Pesky Gryffindor displaced, he plopped into the seat next to his brother, who was his identical twin except for his short, rather tragic hair and permanent expression of ill-temper. Rather like a surly, bedraggled puppy covered in axel grease.
"Hi Fabian," he said "Hi Sirius. Thanks for the show," he said, giving Sirius his cheekiest wink. Sirius Black might be unbearably arrogant and frankly unbalanced, but Gideon just couldn't restrain himself "You tiger."
"Oh, God," Fabian groaned "don't encourage him."
"Quiet, you." Gideon said magisterially "all the girls are desperate to know, Sirius: how is he?"
"How is-oh." Sirius said "I don't think Remus would be very happy if I kiss and told. Or...whatever. Hate to dissapoint my fans, but he'd get irritated. And that's hard to deal with."
"I'll buy you a bottle of Firewhisky next time we're in Hogsmeade," Gideon offered.
Sirius' virtue lasted all of two seconds.
"Well, he's surprisingly affectionate," Sirius said "Nerd love, go figure. He's got all this secret rage. And he does this thing with his tongue, where..."
"Wait, wait," Gideon said, whipping out a parchment and quill "alright. Thing with his tongue. Could you demonstrate?"
Sirius did.
"Oh, that's excellent." Gideon jotted a quick diagram. Wit without measure being Man's greatest treasure, as that brilliant witch and saucy nymphomaniac Rowena Ravenclaw once said, Gideon never passed up the chance to advance his own education.
Fabian sighed.
"Alright," Remus said with a professional air "Dumbledore's Calming Charm shouldn't wear off for a bit, so the spiders should remain docile for at least an hour. We should be able to walk right in, get Peter, and walk right out. In theory."
James' faith in the plan was already limited, but Remus' need to be absolutely clear was sapping his will to live.
"Hopefully. We can pray, anyway. You might want to start praying, actually."
"Moony, what if he's already been mummified and eaten? He wouldn't want us to die," James said "really, he wouldn't."
"You're a Gryffindor, James."
Oh man, he had to play the 'you're supposed to be brave' card, didn't he?
Git.
As they set off into the Forest, Remus coughed uncomfortably.
"Look, James," he said. James knew from numerous conversations with Lily that no good ever came from the words "Look, James."
Well to be perfectly honest Lily usually said something more along the lines of "Look, Potter, you flailing idiot man-child..."
The principle was the same!
"I'm sorry about this morning. I know it's, umm. Sort of awkward. For you." Remus said "Me and Sirius I mean."
As though that needed clarifying.
"What, did something happen?" James said, a false note of gaiety coming into his voice "I didn't see anything!"
"Oh Prongs," Remus sighed "this really isn't healthy."
"Nope. Saw nothing," said James, a horribly strained grin covering his face.
They both fell silent as they lit their wands and wandered ever deeper into the Forest.
Next: Chapter Two: In Which James and Remus Meet the Unicorn King, and Gideon Prewett Completely Fails to Learn an Important Life Lesson