Craig…
"Emma, you…you just but out," Emma, always sticking her nose in. And I know she's gonna stick up for Manny like always. It doesn't matter anyway, she doesn't want to be a mom now so how can I convince her? How can I convince her that I need this? That I need to have a family that is for me. She doesn't know what it's like to be the third wheel all the time, to see those looks Joey has sometimes like he never bargained for this, raising some stupid kid that isn't even his.
"Craig, I agree with you! If Manny wasn't my friend I would be furious with her, but she is my friend,"
Emma's little speech surprised me, I figured she'd be all militantly on the side of abortion. But it comes down to the same thing, in a way. She's still on Manny's side. If Emma wasn't here butting in maybe I could convince Manny not to do it.
"But it's my baby," God what a fuck up I am. Screwed things up with my father, not doing all that great at Joey's, now this baby and Manny's going to kill it. I wish I could do just one thing right, for once.
"In Manny's body. What about her?"
Manny had this funny still look, like she was resolved about this and nothing would change her mind. Emma stood near her like she was guarding her. Guarding her from me because if Emma wasn't here I could pull Manny off to the side somewhere and talk to her until she could see that it, it wasn't right. It wasn't what she should do. It was my baby, too.
So that was it. Beaten again. I couldn't win. So I took off and left them there alone.
Emma…
I watched Craig go and I could have cried for what I saw in his eyes. That desperate agony. Maybe my dad felt like that before he went and took acid, maybe he felt powerless to help my mom when she was pregnant with me but at least my mom had me even though she was too young. Manny could, too. It would be hard. I know that. But sometimes things are hard, that's just how life is. Manny always wants the easy way out. She doesn't want to have to think and she doesn't want to be different and she…but that doesn't matter because it is her body. If it was me I'd make a different decision.
Manny…
It was so easy for Emma to say, 'have that kid,' because she didn't have to do it. Spike would support her. My father would kill me, send me to the Philipines to that stupid convent. It was bad enough my mother had to know. She was so mad at me, so disappointed. Craig's reaction was just…weird. He's 15, for goodness sake, why does he want a kid now? Not that Joey would really do anything to him, maybe give him a lecture or something and then he'd help him out, probably let him rent an apartment somewhere and hire babysitters so Craig could still go to school and be in the band and do everything he does right now. Fine for them. I'm the only one with consequences from this thing. And I'd have to get all fat, not them. And I'd have to give birth, not them. So it isn't up to them.
Still, it felt kind of terrible when they both left me all alone in the hall like that, just because I wouldn't do exactly what they wanted.
Craig…
I just walked through the city, fast. I couldn't be around anyone right then. Maybe Marco, he'd be okay. Not Joey, no way. He'd keep asking me what was wrong, hounding me until I told him. Sometimes it felt like he had to know everything.
This past week when I thought Manny would have it, I felt so happy, like finally I could belong somewhere. I hadn't belonged anywhere since my mom moved out. And God, that was when I was eight. She moved out and everything turned to shit.
Emma…
Manny wasn't as mature as me which was one argument for the abortion. I walked home kind of slow, thinking about it. I was trying really hard not to be mad at her. This is real friendship, sticking by people when they are making mistakes. Manny was immature and I thought she wouldn't realize the regret this would cause. She was taking someone's life, a unique individual person who would never exist again. Sure, she might be a mom someday when she's older and more able to…deal with it. But that new baby wouldn't be this one. I didn't quite think that Manny understood this.
Manny…
I felt nervous, especially with my mom looking at me all sad like that. We had promised not to tell daddy. I never would.
The drive to the clinic was silent and I tried not to think about the baby, tried to think of it as just a procedure, like getting your tonsils out or something.
The clinic had a funny smell, like bleach and alcohol and something else I'd never smelled before, it made me feel sick. My mom smiled at me with the saddest smile I'd ever seen. I couldn't believe how much I screwed up.
"Ready?" she said to me, her voice having that accent that was starting to sound more foreign to me all the time.
"Yes. I'm ready,"
Craig…
I had to go home sometime. It wasn't that late yet. I'd only walked for about an hour.
"Where were you, Craig?" Joey, his voice just on the verge of getting angry. I shut the door behind me and took off my coat. I hated how I cringed and tensed up when Joey was angry because I thought he'd hit me. I mean I knew he wouldn't, if he didn't when I stole that car off his lot he probably never would. But I'd been on the look out for that kind of anger from my dad for so long that it just wasn't going away and my fucking dad was dead, so it would never go away. I was fucked up permanently.
"Nowhere. Just out," I went upstairs to my room, sat on the bed, stared at the wall. I'd never felt worse.
Emma…
I watched my mother with Jack, watched her put him down and start making supper. I narrowed my eyes. She thought the abortion was perfectly okay, she was going to abort Jack. She probably wanted to abort me, just didn't get around to it in time. Guess I'm lucky that my mom was in more denial than Manny in these early stages.
Manny…
My mother couldn't go into the room with me, no one could. It was something I'd have to do alone. That was how it was, I supposed.
Everything was sterile, everything except for me. I was in a paper gown and nothing else, sitting on the paper covered steel table. The paper on the table and the paper of the gown was the same white, thin crinkly paper, and it rustled every time I moved.
"Manny, you have a choice," the old nurse said, her face had lines in it. She was older than my mom.
"You can be unconscious during this procedure or you can have conscious sedation,"
"What's that?"
"It's where you aren't completely put out from the medicine, not asleep, but sort of like you're dreaming. We call it twilight sedation,"
I could hear the crinkly papers rustling and could smell that funny horrible bleach alcohol smell and I could see every line in this old nurse's face.
"I want to be unconscious," I said. I didn't want to be aware of this at all, not even aware of it like a dream.
"Okay,"
They said to lie down on the table and I did, and from the corner of my eye I saw a steel tray that was gleaming clean, a steel tray with a lot of long sharp steel instruments on it. Then they put a black mask that had a hose connected to it, they put this mask over my nose and mouth and said to breathe.
"Just breathe normally,"
I did but the air in the mask tasted funny, like a pink taste, almost like candy might taste if it didn't have any sugar. I remembered the time I went on that date with Craig, the cotton candy and the carnival and everything and how I loved him. I really really did, I didn't just think it or have a crush, I was, and still was, in love with him. He was mad at me now. I think I might have started to cry, thinking about that and breathing in that weird pink air in the black mask. Then I started to feel real funny and I felt like I was leaving, just sort of drifting away.