Scene I
[Jack, Janet, and Chrissy are gathered by the open front door of their apartment. Chrissy has her coat and hat on, two suitcases by her feet. Janet is dressed for work.
CHRISSY: I'm really gonna miss you guys.
JANET: We'll miss you, too, Chrissy, but it's just for a few days.
JACK: Yeah, your mom will be well in no time.
JANET: Especially with you taking care of her.
JACK: Yeah, I've always enjoyed your bedside manner.
JANET: (with hands on hips) And just what is that supposed to mean?
JACK: Shame on you, Janet! I just meant when I've been sick, she's taken good care of me.
CHRISSY: (nodding) Like when I rubbed your chest with alcohol and held your hand and—
JACK: (his hands up in the "enough" sign) OK, Chrissy, thanks.
JANET: (shaking her head) Anyway, have a good trip, Chrissy. [She gives her a hug.]
CHRISSY: Bye, Janet. [They let go.] Bye, Jack. [They hug.]
JACK: I'll miss you, Chrissy. [He bends her back and kisses her. Mr. Furley walks in, in a safari-style outfit. Janet hits Jack.] Not now, Janet, I'm busy.
MR. FURLEY: (indignantly) And just what are you busy with? [Startled, Jack drops Chrissy onto the floor, or rather, out of sight, behind the couch and onto the stunt mattress.]
JACK: (flustered) Um, I was just fooling around. Well, not fooling around, but—
CHRISSY: (as Janet helps her to her feet) Jack was just thanking me for making him feel better.
MR. F: (eyes bugging) What?
CHRISSY: Like when he's hot and feverish.
MR. F: What?
JANET: Mr. Furley, if you're going to get Chrissy to the airport on time, you'd better leave now.
MR. F: All right, but don't think this is the end of it. (to Chrissy) Young Lady, I'm going to get you to explain everything to me on the way.
CHRISSY: (picking up the smaller suitcase and heading out) Well, in my father's favorite sermon, he says that there was a big nothing and then God said the Word and then there was something. And then Adam had spare ribs, so— [Her voice fades.]
MR. F: (shaking his head) You three owe me.
JANET: I'm sure Chrissy appreciates you taking her to the airport.
MR. F: Not that. You owe me this month's rent.
JACK: Oh, uh, you'll get it as soon as Chrissy comes back.
MR. F: (shaking his pointer finger) OK, I'm holding you to that.
JANET: Can you also hold this? Chrissy forgot her other suitcase. [Janet picks up the larger suitcase and hands it to Mr. Furley, who almost topples over from its weight. Then he staggers out the door. Pause. Then the sound of Mr. Furley and the suitcase tumbling downstairs.]
CHRISSY: (offscreen) Oh, Mr. Furley, I'm not in that much of a hurry.
JANET: (smiling and shaking her head) I hope it's a good trip.
JACK: It sounded like it.
JANET: (laughing) I meant for Chrissy. Wow, it's going to be weird having her gone even this long. It's never been more than a couple days.
JACK: I know what you're thinking, Janet.
JANET: (confused) What?
JACK: You're thinking how lonely it's going to be in your empty bedroom every night. [He grabs her by the shoulders.] But you've got to be strong, Janet. No matter how irresistible I am, you can't try to seduce me.
JANET: (amused) Oh. (mischievously) You mean I can't flirt with you? [She bats her eyes.]
JACK: Right.
JANET: Or caress you? [She strokes his back.]
JACK: Uh, right.
JANET: Or grab you? [She pinches his butt.]
JACK: (his voice going high in surprise) Right!
JANET: (tilting her head up) Or kiss you?
JACK: (titling his head down so that their mouths are close) Right.
JANET: Then you'd better let go of me.
JACK: (slowly) Right. [He releases her shoulders and backs away.]
JANET: After all, Jack, you know how tempting you are. The only thing that's kept me from jumping you all these years is we've never been alone for long. Chrissy saved your virtue.
JACK: OK, now you're just being mean.
JANET: (laughing) I'm sorry, Jack.
JACK: (mock-seductively) Now we'll have to kiss and make up.
JANET: (shaking her head) Maybe later. I'm going to be late for work.
JACK: I wish I could say that.
JANET: No luck with the job hunt?
JACK: No, and I don't know how long we can stall Furley.
JANET: Well, maybe we'll luck out and Chrissy will never return, so Mr. Furley will never collect.
JACK: (shaking his head) I don't have that kind of luck.
JANET: Things will pick up. But I really am late. Bye, Babe. [She kisses his cheek, grabs her purse, and goes out the door. He puts his hand to his cheek, stands there a moment, then shakes his head. Fade out.]
Scene II
[The apartment two weeks later. Janet is in her nightgown and robe, on the couch watching TV.]
ACTOR'S VOICE: (offscreen) My Darling, there's something I must tell you.
ACTRESS'S VOICE: (also offscreen) Yes, Dearest?
ACTOR: I don't know how to begin.
ACTRESS: Just say it.
JANET: (leaning forward) Yeah, say it.
ACTOR: Well, it's just that I, I, I—
JACK: (opening the front door) I hate women!
ANNOUNCER: And now a word from our sponsor. [Janet sighs and turns down the volume.]
JANET: (looking over at Jack) Your date didn't go well? [He slams the door.] I guess not. [Jack paces angrily.] So come over here and tell me about it. Unless I'm included in the women you hate.
JACK: No, of course not. You're not a woman.
JANET: (looking down at herself) Thanks a lot.
JACK: (tossing his hands in the air) No, you know what I mean.
JANET: (patting the couch) Come on, sit, talk.
JACK: (coming over) it's just that Inga did something so incredulous—
JANET: You mean incredible.
JACK: No, incredulous. She wouldn't believe me.
JANET: (laughing) What do you expect when you lied to her about being able to ski?
JACK: No, we're past that.
JANET: Then you finally told her you can't ski?
JACK: (sitting down next to her) Uh, no, this was about something else.
JANET: Great. What was it this time?
JACK: Janet, you make it sound like I'm always lying to girls.
JANET: Aren't you?
JACK: (leering) Well, sometimes it's with instead of to.
JANET: (annoyed and amused) Oh!
JACK: No, really, this time I was telling the truth and she wouldn't believe me.
JANET: What? About what a fabulous lover you are?
JACK: (modestly) Well. (as it sinks in) Hey, what makes you think I'm a great lover?
JANET: (with a straight face) Chrissy told me.
JACK: Janet, I swear to you I never laid a hand on her.
JANET: Jack, I've seen you lay both your hands on her plenty of times, but I know it's only gone so far. And as for your prowess, I figure you probably think you're a great lover, so—
JACK: (defensively) Hey, I am a great lover. Do you want references?
JANET: Is that what you did with Inga, show her your references?
JACK: No, it had nothing to do with that.
JANET: OK, OK, Jack, so what was it she didn't believe?
JACK: Well, it's so silly, but she, well—
JANET: Yes, Jack?
JACK: Well, OK. You know how everyone thinks I'm such a stud for living with two girls?
JANET: Sure, Jack. Whatever. [Jack makes a choking gesture at her.]
JACK: Cute, Janet. Anyway Inga was different.
JANET: She didn't think you were a stud? Even with the references?
JACK: (waving his hands) OK, forget this.
JANET: Come on, Jack, I'm just teasing. What happened?
JACK: (sighing) OK. So when I first told Inga I had two roommates, two female roommates, she was fine with that.
JANET: Well, that's good.
JACK: (shaking his head) No, it's not.
JANET: You want her to not be fine with it?
JACK: No, you see, well, she figured if I was living with two girls, it must be platonic, because I'm a one-woman guy. [Janet snickers. He gives her an annoyed look.]
JANET: I'm sorry. OK, so she thinks you're monogamous. She sounds pretty credulous to me.
JACK: I am monogamous. When it's serious. Sure, I look at other girls, and I'll date more than one casually. But when I find a girl who's right for me, she's all I really want.
JANET: (quietly) Like with Linda.
JACK: (nodding) Like with Linda. Well, most of the time with Linda.
JANET: So I'm sorry, Jack, where's the problem?
JACK: The problem is she found out Chrissy has been away for two weeks and she thinks there's something going on between you and I.
JANET: Me.
JACK: Yes, you.
JANET: Between you and me.
JACK: Yes, Janet, do I have to spell it out for you?
JANET: No, you said "between you and I," but it's "you and me."
JACK: My heart is broken and you're correcting my grammar.
JANET: (shaking her head) Your heart isn't broken. Next week you'll probably meet some girl you like just as much as Inga.
JACK: No, I'm through with women.
JANET: Well, that'll make fooling Mr. Furley easier.
JACK: God, Furley. He's still after me about the rent, and I've lost two jobs in the last two weeks.
JANET: Well, next week you'll probably get another job you can lose.
JACK: Very funny, Janet. That's what I love about you. You're so sweet and supportive.
JANET: (smiling) Yeah, I know.
JACK: (glancing at the TV) What are you watching?
JANET: Oh, the show! I've completely lost the thread of it now.
JACK: It looks like some drippy romance. There must be something else on. [He picks up the remote and changes the channel.] Oo, Bride of the Mummy, this is a classic! [He turns up the volume. Janet shakes her head and smiles.] Now don't be scared at this part, Janet. I'm here.
JANET: Yes, good thing I'm not watching this alone. [Scary music. Jack jumps and puts his arms around her.] Um, hi.
JACK: (softly) Hi.
JANET: So what happens next?
JACK: What?
JANET: In the movie?
JACK: Uh, I don't want to spoil it for you. [He lets go and gets up.] I need to get some sleep if I'm going looking for a job tomorrow. [He quickly exits to his room. Janet looks after him, then sighs and settles into watching the movie. Fade.]
Scene III
[Janet is watering plants in the living room a few days later. The phone rings. She sets down the watering can and answers the phone.]
JANET: Hello? Oh, hi, Chrissy. What's new? [Pause] Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. Well, I hope she'll start feeling better soon. What's new with me? Oh, same old same old. Jack? Well, he lost a girlfriend and found a job. No, different girlfriend and different job than last week. What? OK, I will. Take care, Sweetie. [She hangs up. She starts watering the plants again. Jack comes in. She smiles and sets down the watering can. She goes to Jack and hugs him.]
JACK: Wow, I knew you were grateful for me delivering those flowers this afternoon, but I wasn't expecting that.
JANET: (smiling and letting go) That's from Chrissy. You just missed her call.
JACK: Oh, too bad. I'd like to talk to her. But it was worth it missing her, since I met Twinkie.
JANET: (worried) What?
JACK: Larry's new girlfriend.
JANET: You know Larry is Sweetcheeks? Uh, I mean—
JACK: It's okay, Janet. Twinkie told me.
JANET: (shaking her head) What?
JACK: I saw his picture when I delivered his flowers. Along with Nick, Kenny, and Elliot.
JANET: Elliot?
JACK: Yeah, apparently Larry's met his match. She's got about as many boyfriends as he's got girlfriends.
JANET: (worried) Oh.
JACK: Yeah, but Larry obviously doesn't mind, so why should we? And she's a nice girl. Well, not a "nice girl." But you know.
JANET: Jack, actually, Larry is—
LARRY: (appearing in the open doorway) Larry is what?
JANET: Larry is here at a bad time, since you're about to make dinner, Jack.
JACK: Janet, don't be rude. Larry, you can stay for dinner. We have a lot to catch up on.
LARRY: So Janet told you.
JACK: No, I figured it out for myself.
LARRY: Oh, so when I didn't turn up at the Beagle Happy Hour last night, you must've guessed. Jocko, I've met a girl.
JACK: (with raised eyebrows) Yeah, some girl.
LARRY: One in a million. In fact, I'm in love.
JACK: (floored) You are?
LARRY: Yeah, and that's why I stopped by. I want you have this. [He hands Jack a little black book.]
JACK: This isn't The Book, is it?
LARRY: Yep, I'm retiring. I want you have it, put it to good use.
JACK: Are you sure?
JANET: Yeah, Larry, you just met her yesterday.
LARRY: It only takes a minute, Girl, to fall in love. (singing) To fall in love, yes, to fall in love. Yes, let's fall in—
JACK: Then you don't mind about the other guys?
LARRY: What other guys?
JACK: Uh, well, the other guys who will go insane with jealousy at your luck in finding the girl of your dreams.
LARRY: I wish everyone could have my luck. You especially, Buddy. But don't worry, you'll find Miss Right someday. And meantime, there are a lot of Miss Wrongs in there. Like on p. 87—No, sorry, I've moved on. Jack, thanks for the dinner invite, but I've got plans with Twinkie. [He sighs happily and exits.]
JANET: Jack, we've got to do something.
JACK: (skimming the book) Mm hm.
JANET: (hitting his arm) Jack!
JACK: Sorry. [He reluctantly puts the book away, taking one last peek.]
JANET: We've got to tell Larry the truth.
JACK: Janet, I haven't had much luck with the truth lately.
JANET: Is that why you lied to Larry about your new job?
JACK: Come on, you can imagine what he'd say if he heard what I'm dressed up as.
JANET: (annoyed) Dummy!
JACK: I'm not a dummy! I'm a mechanical man!
JANET: I wasn't talking about your job. [She exits to her room. The scene fades.]
Scene IV
[Larry is in his apartment, primping for a date. The photos of all his girlfriends have been replaced by several of Twinkie. A knock at the door.]
LARRY: (going to the door) Sweetie! [He opens the door. Jack stands there, in the outfit from the previous scene.]
JACK: (trying to be funny) Hi, Baby.
LARRY: (annoyed) I thought you were Twinkie. I told you we have a date tonight.
JACK: I know, but I need to talk to you.
LARRY: OK, but be quick. She'll be here any minute. [Jack steps in.]
JACK: (looking at all the pictures of Twinkie) I see you redecorated.
LARRY: (smiling) Jocko, I've redecorated my life. Love changes you.
JACK: Yeah, well, Larry, it's a funny thing, love. You think you've met the right girl, but things may not work out.
LARRY: (waving his pointer finger at Jack) Oh ho ho, I knew it!
JACK: Knew what?
LARRY: It's so obvious. You're in love with Janet.
JACK: I'm not in love with Janet.
LARRY: Oh, then you're just fooling around till Chrissy gets back?
JACK: (annoyed) Larry, nothing is going on in that apartment. Nothing has ever gone on in that apartment!
LARRY: Well, then you're a big dummy.
JACK: I'm not a dummy! I'm a mechanical man!
LARRY: (laughing) What?
JACK: Um, uh, that's what I wanted to tell you. I have a job at Kruger's Department Store. As a mechanical man.
LARRY: A what?
JACK: You know, sort of an animated mannequin. [He demonstrates a few moves. Larry laughs a lot. Jack looks annoyed.] I knew I shouldn't have told you.
LARRY: No, Jocko, that's great. I bet it helps you with women. [He mechanically walks over to Jack and puts his arms around him.]
JACK: Larry, cut it out.
LARRY: I'm serious, Jack. Next time you're alone with Janet, try this. [He mechanically rubs Jack's back and down to Jack's butt, as a very pretty girl with auburn hair appears in the doorway and stares in disbelief.]
GIRL: (horrified) Sweetcheeks!
LARRY: (quickly letting go of Jack) Twinkie Baby, I can explain!
JACK: (covering his face with both hands and pretending to cry.) I told you, Larry, she was bound to find out!
TWINKIE: Cheating on me with another man! And a deliveryboy!
JACK: I'm not a deliveryboy! I'm a dummy! Um, I mean—
TWINKIE: No, I'm the dummy! [She dashes out.]
LARRY: (to Jack, very annoyed) Thanks a lot, Pal.
JACK: (trying not to laugh) Do you want me to talk to her?
LARRY: No, you need to talk to Janet. (dashing out) Honey-Knees!
JACK: (mouthing it) Honey-Knees?! [He shakes his head and laughs. Then he imitates Larry's back-stroking.] Hm. [Fade. Commercial break.]
Scene V (The Tag)
[Back in the apartment, Janet is reading as Jack comes in.]
JANET: (looking up) It's about time. I'm starving!
JACK: (staring at her) What?
JANET: You said you were gonna cook tonight.
JACK: Oh, right.
JANET: So where did you disappear to?
JACK: Larry's.
JANET: Oh, good. Did you set him straight?
JACK: Uh, not exactly. Janet, there's something I have to ask you.
JANET: (surprised by his serious tone) Yes, Jack?
JACK: Well, I just wondered, do you want—?
JANET: Yes?
JACK: Do you want macaroni or tuna salad tonight?
JANET: (amused) Wow, you're going all out. I love living with a chef.
JACK: Come on, you know that with Chrissy away and my bad luck with jobs, money is tight right now.
JANET: Jack, I'm just teasing. I'm sure I'll like whatever you give me.
JACK: Right. [He hesitates and then goes in the kitchen. Pause. The sound of pots and pans dropping.]
JANET: Jack! Are you all right?
JACK: (offscreen) Never better. [Janet shrugs and shakes her head. Fade. Cut to credits.]