DISCLAIMER: DON'T OWN ANY MASH CHARACTERS. ANYONE ELSE BELONGS TO ME. ALL RIGHTS BELONG TO 20TH CENTURY FOX…I'M JUST BORROWING.
A/N: HEY ALL THIS IS MY FIRST MASH FIC, SO GO EASY. I USUALLY DO SUPERNATURAL BUT I'M BROADENING MY HORIZONS.
THIS FIC IS SET IN THE FIRST FEW SEASONS…I PREFFER TRAPPER TO HUNNICUT, THOUGH BJ'S STILL COOL…
WARNINGS: JUST A LITTLE FRANK CRUELTY, WE ALL KNOW OUR TWO LITTLE SWAMP RATS LOVE TO BE MEAN.
MASH
Another day in paradise
"What the hell is this?" Captain 'Hawkeye' Pierce inquired, spearing the unknown food with is fork.
Trapper shrugged. "You got me. I never bother to guess anymore, it could be anything," he offered, giving his own meal a cautious sniff before deciding that it wasn't deadly and shoving it into his mouth. He chewed for a moment, deep in thought. "Tastes like pork, sort of. But I can't be sure,"
"Maybe its that rat Margaret found in her tent," he said solemnly, though Trapper knew he was joking.
"You two ninnies are revolting," Major Frank Burns stated, placing his tray next to Trapper and sitting down.
" Speaking of rats…" Hawkeye mumbled with a smile.
"What was that Captain?" Frank asked moodily, not really caring about what he was eating.
"Oh nothing Frank," he replied with false sincerity. Trapper snorted.
"I don't know what Colonel Blake see's in you two. Insubordinates the both of you,"
"That's us. Just making things more interesting," Trapper said, sipping the bitter coffee.
"Well if I were in command, I'd have you both shot," he said indignantly.
"Frank, if you were in command, you'd shoot us all, and if you didn't…" Hawkeye trailed of with a grin.
"We'd shoot ourselves," Trapper finished, getting up from his seat.
Hawkeye followed his moves.
"I think its time for some real coffee,"
Hawkeye and Trapper sat in 'The Swamp' pouring drinks from their homemade still.
Hawk took a sip and sighed happily. "Mother's milk," he said dreamily.
"Yesterday was a very good year," Captain McIntire stated. "How dry is it?"
"How dry is what?"
The tent door swung open and the pint-sized Corporal Radar O Reilly stepped in.
"Mail call," he said chirpily.
"Look Trap, one of Santa's elves brought us gifts," Hawkeye said kind-heartedly.
"Oh you," Radar said, handing Hawkeye his magazine, and McIntire, the letter from his wife.
"Oh goody, this week its ice hockey," Captain Peirce said with a satisfied grin.
"Show me," Trapper took the magazine and flicked through it. "Nice," he said.
"You two reading pornography again?" Frank asked casually as he entered the tent. He angered upon seeing the Corporal. "What are you doing here Corporal, this is and officer's tent,"
"Then what are you doing here Frank?" Trapper inquired, pouring himself another martini.
Frank opened his mouth, but closed it again, when he thought of nothing to say.
"He's speechless Trap, I think he likes you," Hawkeye said, reclining on his bunk.
"Sorry Frank, I'm taken." Trapper smiled.
"Women can be so cruel, can't they Frank?"
Radar snickered, but his face straightened as Frank Burns glared at him with hostility.
"I have to go sirs, you know, finish my rounds. I'll see y'all later," He turned to the major and saluted. He knew that usually made it all better.
"Don't do that Radar, you'll inflate his already oversized ego," Hawkeye said, smiling as the young kid scuffled away.
He was too damn young to be a part of this. They all were.
Frank shook his head in disbelief as Captain Pierce returned to his dirty magazine.
"You are both revolting," he said.
Hawkeye looked up with vague amusement in his eyes. "I think you already said that today Frank," he said.
"Well it hasn't changed," he mumbled.
"Of course it hasn't. We're just as revolting now as we were this morning. And so are you,"
"You can't speak to me like that!" Burns exclaimed, placing his hands on his hips and puffing his chest out. "I'm a Major. You're just a Captain,"
"Easy mistake to make. You are one Major, we," Hawkeye said, indicating both himself and Trapper, "are two Captains. We out rank you by three bars,"
Trapper poked his tongue out at the weasley looking Major.
"I am taking this to Colonel Blake," he said furiously, getting up.
"You do that Major, we'll wait here, then you can tell us how it goes when you come back,"
The Major stormed off.
"I think he may be angry," Trapper pointed out.
"He doesn't do 'angry' very well, does he? It makes him look like a ferret with aids,"
"You've seen a ferret with aids?"
"No,"
"You two have to learn to respect Major Burns, he is after all a Major," Henry Blake said, fiddling with his Asian doll.
"Observant today, aren't you Henry?" Hawkeye said, taking a sip of scotch.
"We will, when he does," McIntire said.
"Never," The Major snapped.
Henry sighed. "If you can't make an effort either Burns, then there's nothing I can do. Dismissed."
It was the quickest meeting they had ever had with the Colonel.
Still, they weren't complaining. They could go back to the swamp and have another martini.
"See you Frank," Trapper waved, as the Major headed for Margaret's tent. "Have fun,"
"Shut up you…buttinsky," he called back.
"He needs to work on his insults,"
"Rather," Trapper replied, stepping into the swamp after his friend.
It was only half an hour before Frank stumbled back into the tent, blind drunk.
"Frank, you have fun?" Hawkeye asked amused.
The Major put his and up in a sloppy salute.
"Major Frankaret Hoolaburns reporting for duty sir," he slurred.
Trapper snorted. "Sir?"
"I have some thing to report about Major Margarank Burnahan. She got naked. Better than those silly girls in your magazines. Mmmm…I wish I wasn't married…" then he was out.
Hawkeye laughed hysterically throughout the whole confession.
"Margarank got naked," he snorted.
"I wish I had've been there," Trapper confessed.
"Everyone does," Hawkeye chuckled.
Suddenly, the P.A system crackled.
"In coming wounded, chopper's, jeeps and ambulances entering the compound. All hands to the OR. Have a nice day!"
Have a nice day indeed.
Just another day in paradise.
Well? What do you think? Should I do some more MASH fics, or should I stick to supernatural? Please review. Constructive critism is most welcome.