Title: Sleeping to dream (Sequel to "I won't be following")
Author: Hgirl
Pairing: H/Y
Disclaimer: Characters do not belong to me. Title and lyrics throughout are by Jason Mraz.
Summary: Horatio reminiscing about Yelina.
I'm dreaming of sleeping next to you I'm feeling like a lost little boy in a brand new town
I'm counting my sheep and each one that passes is another dream to ashes
and they all fall down.
Life is so precious, he thought, laid on his bare back in his bed. Had he taken her life, he wondered. Again in his life, he felt useless like when his brother was killed. Frail like a child because his soul had been crushed. Everything had changed and he was lost. A single tear slipped down the side of his eye, over his temple. He brought his hand to his face, tracing the moist path it had left. He couldn't even feel the tears anymore.
As I lay me down tonight,
I close my eyes and what a beautiful sight...
God, she was so beautiful. Her chocolate colored eyes, her bright smile and soft lips forever engraved in his mind. He turned to the picture frame on his nightstand of them together. They had just started getting to know each other. Flirting, in a way. She had met him and Ray in a coffee shop and, that day, they had gone down to the beach. Ray had taken the picture. Horatio had taken a picture of Ray and her afterwards, but it didn't hold the same sentiment. Not at that time, anyway.
I'm sleeping to dream about you
And I'm so damn tired of having to live without you
So I'm sleeping to dream about you and I'm so tired. Ohh, yes I am.
Even if he slept the recommended amount of hours every night, he felt and looked exhausted. The dark circles under his eyes made Alexx and Calleigh worry about his well-being. Thinking of the little things, those mundane little moments like looking over a crime scene with her at his side, looking in on her while she's busy at work, walking her out to her car after work, having supper with her and Ray Jr. broke his heart.
I found myself in the riches (Your eyes, your lips, your hair.) Well you were everywhere
But I woke up in the ditches. I hit the light and I thought you might be here
but you were nowhere. Oh love, but you were nowhere at home.
He remembered her eyes gazing into his, her lips against his, her hair everywhere; hiding their faces from the outside view. Cries racking his body, remembering her in his bed, he reached for the side lamp and looked over his shoulder, distraught to find that she wasn't there. He forcefully threw the covers off his frozen body and sat up. Bracing himself with his feet solidly pressed to the floor, he covered his face with his hands, feeling as though he was going out of his mind.
If it weren't for his job keeping him busy, he would have quit a long time ago. Or maybe he would have ended his pitiful existence. He glanced at his dresser drawer containing his gun.
No.
Suicide, he thought, was a selfish act. It wasn't a solution; it was an exit door. He wouldn't do that to his team. He didn't care about himself. But, he cared about the people in his life. His family.
Ray Jr., Madison, Susie and his team.
And, as I lay me back to sleep
This Lord I pray that I can keep
Sleeping to dream about you
I'm so damn tired of having to live without you
So I'm sleeping to dream about you and I'm so tired...
He scooted forward and slowly descended from his mattress to the floor. Back against the bed, he bowed his head and clasped his hands together over his bent knees saying a prayer. Moments passed and he let his head fall back against the mattress. He wanted to succumb to the rage burning inside and throw his things across the room. He had always paced himself with her, inadequately dealing with the overwhelming and disconcerting love she had for him. He bit his bottom lip, holding back from releasing the anger he had against himself for not being able to accept his brother's death and comfort the woman he loved. He would always love her.
(Well, it's just a little a lullaby to keep myself from crying myself to sleep at night.)
Oh, once I dry my eyes... I'll calm down.
She had always been there. Lover or not. Following him, patiently waiting for him to turn around. Maybe it was better this way, maybe she's in a better place, but he couldn't help blaming himself for the tragic and catastrophic outcome.
She was gone.
THE END
Sleeping to dream about you
I'm so tired of having to live without you
So I'm sleeping to dream about you and I'm so tired