title: Of Horse Saddles and Chicken Coops
sum: Kurt was convinced that it was somewhat Finn's fault that he was spending his entire summer on a ranch, chasing homicidal chickens and checking out the stable boy's ass.
rating:PG-13
Kurt knew how to compromise. Of course he did.
Living in the small - depressing as hell - town that is Lima, Ohio, Kurt was used to not be able to go full out Diva on everything and everyone. He was also aware he was not as rich as he wanted to be, so he knew what it was to relinquish free time to afford his expensive tastes. He knew he couldn't get Marc Jacobs shirts every time he saw one, so he worked double shifts and on weekends to be able to.
So once he got the call from a very excited Rachel Berry telling him that he had the opportunity to go with her and sit on the very front seats of New York Fashion week, after he shrieked and jumped so high he actually managed to break his lamp with his head, Kurt started thinking about the amounts of ass kissing, endless chores and work he would have to invest in for his dad to allow him to go.
So yes, Kurt was ready to bargain to just about anything.
This, however, is just ridiculous.
"...This is a joke, right?" Because it just has to be. His dad can't be serious about what he told him last night, and yet, there he is, bringing the travelling luggage that is usually stored in the attic into Kurt's room.
"It really isn't. I told you, kid. I'm fine with you going to that fashion thing in New York, but first, you need to earn it."
"Working as a stable boy?"
"Don't be ridiculous." The flicker of hope that sparked inside of him quickly died at his dad's next words.
"You'll be handling a lot more than that." Then Burt quickly left the room, knowing there was a slight - enormous - possibility that he was going to have something sharp and pointy hurled at his head at any moment. It really didn't sound like such a bad idea now that Kurt thought about it.
Instead, he followed Burt down to the kitchen, where his step brother stood awkwardly, holding a grilled cheese sandwich like it was the last piece of food he would ever have in his life. With a vicious glare and the jerk of his head, Kurt had Finn out of the kitchen in no time. He waited for his dad to retrieve a beer from the fridge, taking his time choosing his next words carefully.
"It's not fair!" Good one, Kurt. Just great.
Burt sighed as he leaned against the counter.
"Kurt, it's very simple. You're asking me to let you spend two weeks in New York City with your friend. Now, I know how important this is to you, and I'll gladly let you go, but you need to meet me halfway here, kiddo. I'll pay for all expenses as a birthday present, but I know you, and for you to go to the Big Apple without going on a shopping spree that would be able to re-fill your closet three times is simply unacceptable, in your eyes anyway. You would never live it down. And there's no way in hell I'm letting you touch your savings to spend on some goddamn scarves, no matter how fancy the designers name is." He paused to take a swig of his beer.
"So you'll have to work for it."
"But why do I have to work in a farm?"
"It's a ranch, boy."
"See how much I care." Burt gave him a warning glance, before he tipped his head back and took another swig.
"It was a happy coincidence. Carole's sister called the other day asking for an extra pair of hands at the ranch. Turns out Noah isn't staying there for the whole summer this year. We discussed it, and she'd be more than happy to pay you for your work."
Kurt let out a miserable whimper.
"I feel like I'm being punished for something."
"This ain't no punishment, kid. I'm giving you the chance to not only get more money than you'd get fixing cars the whole summer, but to visit some relatives, and spend some time away from here. Now, I can go upstairs and give the offer to Finn, who'd be more than happy to spend some time with his aunt, or you can take it and leave on Monday. It's up to you."
He then walked out of the kitchen with the beer still in his hand, leaving Kurt with his thoughts.
Sitting down on the nearest chair, Kurt let out a weary sigh, bringing a hand up to massage his temples.
'I can't believe I'm doing this.'
Before he could regret his decision, Kurt stood up and went after his dad to accept his offer, already making a list of the clothes he would have to buy, because there was no way in all mighty hell that he was letting his McQueen anywhere near a stinking ranch.
"I'm still trying to understand why you're doing this."
Rachel only dignified him with an answer after she hurled her luggage into the trunk of his Navigator.
"It's an exciting opportunity! I feel like it's my obligation to experience the life of a countryside commoner before I indulge in the luxuries of stardom. It'll be wonderful writing material for the biography I have already started to write, about my life's accomplishments." She paused to give Burt and Carole an enthusiastic wave.
"Besides, you'll quickly appreciate the presence of a common aspiring diva such as yourself to talk with throughout these months. I'll also be the only familiar face around. I'm just being a good, supportive friend!"
"I'm touched." He replied dryly, as he placed his own luggage in the car. "I do know Puck and my aunt, you know."
"Oh, please. The only time you saw your step aunt was two years ago at your dad's wedding, and you see Noah once a year, and he mostly hangs out with Finn. That hardly counts as familiar."
"Point taken. But I am somewhat pleased that you're coming with me. Finn is also tagging along, but he's only staying for a week, and he'll be too busy bromancing away with Puck to be much of a company. So thank you, Rachel."
"No problem!" She turned her back to him to grab more luggage from the sidewalk, wondering aloud.
"I wonder if Noah is still as attractive as I remember."
After some lingering ("You be good, kid." "Dad, too tight. Dad. Dad!") goodbye hugs and promises to call occasionally, Finn, Kurt and Rachel were on their way to Tellico Plains, Tennessee, and about five hours later they were on their way out of a gas station in Nashville.
"Johnny Depp or Robert Downey Junior?" Scoffing at Rachel's casual question, Kurt removed a hand from the steering wheel to adjust his rear-view mirror.
"Hands down, Johnny Depp. Other than being incredibly handsome, he is far more versatile than Mister RDJ."
Rachel hummed in approval as she tossed another gummy bear in the air and caught it with her mouth.
Since Finn would only stay with them for a week, they had to bring both his and Kurt's car, and throughout their trip they had stopped every other hour at a gas station to grab some food and to switch their places at the wheel, giving everyone some time to rest.
"What about you, Finn?" Kurt asked, turning towards his iPhone that was attached to the dashboard, right beside the radio, with Finn on loudspeaker. Before their stop, Rachel had been driving the Navigator while Kurt rode with Finn, and they had also kept talking to Rachel on the phone. Kurt wondered how exactly he still had any battery on his phone.
"Dude, you know I don't swing that way." To his right, he could see Rachel roll her eyes at the phone.
"You can simply take it from a professional point of view, you know, pick which one you think is a better actor?" Kurt wondered why he despised Rachel so much during high school. Then he remembered so many reasons that he had to stop himself from thinking about it any longer, and instead payed attention to the conversation, noticing that Finn had gone oddly quiet.
There was some shuffling, and then, "...Johnny Depp is kind of a badass." Kurt gave the phone an approving nod (not that Finn would see it, but still), and turned his eyes back on the road, choosing his own question carefully.
"Two hours of rapping, or ten minutes of Coach Sylvester giving you a lap dance?"
Instantly, screams of horror and horrified shrieks erupted inside the car, and Kurt couldn't tell for sure that Finn hadn't been the one letting out the incredibly girly screams.
"Oh, God, Kurt!"
Rachel rubbed at her eyes viciously, whimpering out things like 'can't be unseen!' and something about a deep emotional trauma.
"You know, it's been a year since we graduated, and I still have nightmares of that day." Finn commented through the phone. Rachel remained curled up in the seat, shuddering.
"What exactly possessed Coach Sylvester to give Figgins a lap dance?" She muttered, her voice coming out muffled from the hands that still covered her face.
"I heard it was a blackmail attempt gone wrong,"
"Horribly, horribly wrong." Rachel interrupted, finally finding some shred of dignity as she sat properly, straightening her clothes back into place.
"And apparently," Kurt stressed out, glancing irritatingly at Rachel for interrupting him. "It wasn't the first time Coach Sylvester staged a scandalous situation to blackmail Figgins with. Motel rooms and roofies were mentioned."
"You really need to stop talking with Jaco-" and with a small, peppy tune ringing out, Kurt's iPhone finally ran out of battery, leaving Kurt and Rachel to talk with each other, which was no trouble at all. It didn't take long for them to start a pleasant conversation with each other, discussing Kurt's malaise in the prospect of spending an entire summer with his wardrobe reduced to skinny jeans, cardigans, the occasional t-shirt and plaid shirts.
"I can't believe I left all of my McQueen's and Marc Jacobs all alone and scared." He commented, sniffing.
Rachel cooed at him and reached out to pet his knee in a mock comforting gesture, before chirping - "Oh, lighten up! Who knows, maybe you'll indulge in a mind blowing, heart fluttering, intense summer fling, the likes of which every teenage girl and gay guy ever dreamt of!"
Kurt snorted, and twisted his lips into a smirk as he adjusted the air conditioner.
"I'm here to work, Rachel. Searching for a proper gay man in the state of Tennessee who doesn't need me telling him that cowboy boots have been unacceptable since 2009 is not only a challenge, but one I will not partake in."
Rachel just shrugged, leaning back on the car seat, cradling a bottle of Vitamin Water in her hands as they continued their journey in comfortable silence.
Pushing back any thought about the conversation they just had to the back of his mind, - like he did with every other train of thought that would lead to a depressing realization that his love life never went beyond the awkward, occasional date, hand holding and some pretty innocent kissing - Kurt kept on driving into the afternoon, barely acknowledging the road sign clamouring in large, white lettering - 'WELCOME TO THE GREAT STATE OF TENNESSEE'.
It didn't take long for Rachel to fall asleep, with the Vitamin Water pressed against her chest and her mouth latched onto the tap, as if she fell asleep right in the middle of taking a sip. This gave Kurt some blissful peace and quiet.
It's not that he didn't appreciate spending the whole ride in his friends company, but after approximately seven hours of chatting away at everything and nothing, he relished in the silence, and having to focus on nothing but the road and the music playing softly through the radio.
It wasn't until they were about half an hour away from reaching the ranch that Kurt felt the need for a coffee, even one as disgusting as the ones you drink at gas stations, so after he knocked his elbow three times against the console and sprains from some uncomfortable stretching, Kurt finally snatched Rachel's cellphone from her purse and called Finn.
Quickly agreeing with Kurt in making one last stop, they parked their cars in the next gas station, leaving Rachel asleep in the car as they both drank their coffees in comfortable silence - Kurt nibbling at a vanilla muffin, Finn taking long drags from his cigarette.
"Y'know, if you feel lonely, you can just call me, and I'll come back and spend some time with you. It's no problem at all." Kurt quickly stopped munching on the pastry and raised an eyebrow at his brother.
"You do realise Rachel's been travelling with us for the past seven hours, don't you?"
The tall boy cleared his throat and shifted in his seat.
"Yeah, but we all know how Rachel can be sometimes. I should know, I dated her for a year and a half, - " he seemed to blush at this, and Kurt realized this was the first time Finn openly talked about his breakup with Rachel a year ago.
"-Which is totally cool!" He hastily added, "I mean, it's been a while, and I can only see Rachel as a very dear friend who deserves the best. But what I meant to say was," he breathed in. "Rachel's still a chick, and you're still a dude. Dudes need dudes. So if you ever need some legit dude talk, either go to Puck or give me a call."
A heavy silence fell between them, and Kurt took this time to really look at Finn for the first time in a while, taking in the hard set of his jaw hiding behind a dark stubble and the long, thick fingers that cradled the coffee cup. Looking into his step brothers eyes, Kurt realized Rachel hadn't been the only one to mature since their group of friends had graduated.
Taking his time draining the rest of his beverage, wincing at the bitter, foul coffee blend only a dingy gas station could provide, he smiled weakly at his brother, choosing his words carefully.
"Thanks, Finn. I'll keep that in mind." Immediately, Finn's face split into an elated grin.
"Sweet!" Chucking his cup into a rusty trash can and stepping on his cigarette butt, he started walking back to their vehicles.
"C'mon, we should get going. The sooner we arrive the sooner I get some shut eye in an actual bed."
Kurt had to concede to that. They had left around 11 am, and although it was still six o'clock and the summer sun was still high up in the sky, it was exhausting to be inside a car for seven hours in a row, with the heat making them sweaty, smelly and cranky. And with that, they clambered inside their respective rides and drove the rest of the way to the ranch.
Simmer down, fellow Klainers. We'll have joining us next chapter! Hope you guys enjoyed it!