Humiliation
By Astarte
What have I become?
I am not a knight. I am not even a man anymore. I feel as though somebody has branded the word 'fool' on my forehead. What have I done? Why did I do it? I can't explain it even to myself anymore. I wanted to be someone, somebody. My grand dreams have somehow led me here to this lonely place. The Lunatic Pandora is like a temple dedicated to my immense stupidity. Every shining wall reflects my shame back at me.
I still cannot believe that I did this to her. I saw the look on Rinoa's face as I turned her over to Adel like some sacrificial lamb. We were friends, I was even in love with her, but I still dragged her to the altar. If I had been even half a man, I would have at least had the guts to kill her rather than pawn her off on some grotesque monstrosity. Rinoa looked so frightened. She had that wounded look of betrayal in her eyes as she looked up at me. Had she, even at this point, still believed in me? After all that had passed between us, had she still held out hope that I would not betray her?
Rinoa was always such a naive idealist, almost childlike in her trust. It was so charming that she had won me over almost the instant she smiled at me. She was this bouncy and perky kid that kept me guessing from one moment to the next. She was a true believer in the idea that justice must prevail and that the wicked must go down in defeat. She had so much utter faith in that silly notion that I couldn't bear to shatter her illusions. Her innocence was a refreshing change from the cold blooded logic of a mercenary. I'm sure that her father didn't approve of us but she didn't care about that. I think we were in love. We could have been lovers even. In the end, for her sake, I'm glad we weren't.
I had such fond memories of our time together. Walking in the park, dancing, quiet conversations over lunch, stolen kisses at a movie, and her first attempt at cooking a roast. Even now, I want to laugh out loud at the thought. It had been a horrid burnt thing but I'd choked it down in the face of her liquid, eager eyes. She'd been so proud of that inedible disaster and I'd never been happier to eat something in my life. Even under her father's watchful scowl, we had such beautiful times together, sometimes doing nothing other than watching the stars under that summer night sky. We could have shared a lifetime together had I been wiser.
I traded her in for this; a series of shattered hopes, crushed dreams, and ravaged friendships. Now I'm ruined, broken and reduced to a laughing stock. Not even the two best friends I have in the world, the only friends I have really, could stay with me anymore. I had pushed their loyalty beyond the limit and still I couldn't stop myself. I was always deathly afraid of being a nobody. It never occurred to me that the worse thing was to have no-one. Now, here in this temple of my atrocities, I would rather be a nobody with friends than a somebody with none. Right now I feel very small and alone.
And why did I do it? What was it all for? I... I can't be quite sure. Edea... Ultemicia... did nothing but let me be her knight. I can't even recall if she promised me anything other than the chance to stand at her side. What was it that made her offer so appealing? I can't think of a single thing. Not even one thing. Am I really that much of a loser that I turn on everyone I ever knew just for the chance to be some strange woman's sidekick? She never promised me power or immortality, all that she had to do was stroke my ego and feed me with empty praise and I jumped through hoops for her like a circus animal.
I've made such a mess of things that Squall is the only hope of straightening it all out. He will save Rinoa where it should have been me. I was Rinoa's boyfriend, the one who wanted to be her lover and soul-mate. Of course, if I'd been acting like one, she would never have been in this position in the first place. I would have been helping them all to escape instead of dragging her to Adel. That had been my last chance to redeem myself in her eyes. I blew it because I didn't want to give in to Squall.
Now to my complete and utter shame, my arch rival has to clean up the disaster that I've created. I have to watch him do what I should have been doing from the very beginning. I have to stand by as Squall becomes the knight I so desperately wanted to be, imagine that she will fall into his arms and kiss him instead of me. He will be her lover and soul-mate, her true love. I, who wanted to be, will not.
I won't stand in his way anymore. I just want to wash the sight of her wounded eyes from my own. I don't want to be part of this anymore. I don't like what I've become. I hate it that a man I always had contempt for has risen above me in the only measure that counts. He is going to save the woman he loves. I betrayed that same woman even though I love her.
If I survive this, I want to start over. I want to lay the old Seifer Almasy to rest in the ashes of this place. If I can just begin again, away from Gardens and politics and war and all the other reminders of my humiliating arrogance, I can rebuild a new Seifer, a better one. I can learn to be satisfied with who I am and what I have instead of desperately trying to be someone else. I want to leave the past behind and maybe, just maybe...
Perhaps at long last...
I will deserve to be someone's knight.
Fin.
By Astarte
What have I become?
I am not a knight. I am not even a man anymore. I feel as though somebody has branded the word 'fool' on my forehead. What have I done? Why did I do it? I can't explain it even to myself anymore. I wanted to be someone, somebody. My grand dreams have somehow led me here to this lonely place. The Lunatic Pandora is like a temple dedicated to my immense stupidity. Every shining wall reflects my shame back at me.
I still cannot believe that I did this to her. I saw the look on Rinoa's face as I turned her over to Adel like some sacrificial lamb. We were friends, I was even in love with her, but I still dragged her to the altar. If I had been even half a man, I would have at least had the guts to kill her rather than pawn her off on some grotesque monstrosity. Rinoa looked so frightened. She had that wounded look of betrayal in her eyes as she looked up at me. Had she, even at this point, still believed in me? After all that had passed between us, had she still held out hope that I would not betray her?
Rinoa was always such a naive idealist, almost childlike in her trust. It was so charming that she had won me over almost the instant she smiled at me. She was this bouncy and perky kid that kept me guessing from one moment to the next. She was a true believer in the idea that justice must prevail and that the wicked must go down in defeat. She had so much utter faith in that silly notion that I couldn't bear to shatter her illusions. Her innocence was a refreshing change from the cold blooded logic of a mercenary. I'm sure that her father didn't approve of us but she didn't care about that. I think we were in love. We could have been lovers even. In the end, for her sake, I'm glad we weren't.
I had such fond memories of our time together. Walking in the park, dancing, quiet conversations over lunch, stolen kisses at a movie, and her first attempt at cooking a roast. Even now, I want to laugh out loud at the thought. It had been a horrid burnt thing but I'd choked it down in the face of her liquid, eager eyes. She'd been so proud of that inedible disaster and I'd never been happier to eat something in my life. Even under her father's watchful scowl, we had such beautiful times together, sometimes doing nothing other than watching the stars under that summer night sky. We could have shared a lifetime together had I been wiser.
I traded her in for this; a series of shattered hopes, crushed dreams, and ravaged friendships. Now I'm ruined, broken and reduced to a laughing stock. Not even the two best friends I have in the world, the only friends I have really, could stay with me anymore. I had pushed their loyalty beyond the limit and still I couldn't stop myself. I was always deathly afraid of being a nobody. It never occurred to me that the worse thing was to have no-one. Now, here in this temple of my atrocities, I would rather be a nobody with friends than a somebody with none. Right now I feel very small and alone.
And why did I do it? What was it all for? I... I can't be quite sure. Edea... Ultemicia... did nothing but let me be her knight. I can't even recall if she promised me anything other than the chance to stand at her side. What was it that made her offer so appealing? I can't think of a single thing. Not even one thing. Am I really that much of a loser that I turn on everyone I ever knew just for the chance to be some strange woman's sidekick? She never promised me power or immortality, all that she had to do was stroke my ego and feed me with empty praise and I jumped through hoops for her like a circus animal.
I've made such a mess of things that Squall is the only hope of straightening it all out. He will save Rinoa where it should have been me. I was Rinoa's boyfriend, the one who wanted to be her lover and soul-mate. Of course, if I'd been acting like one, she would never have been in this position in the first place. I would have been helping them all to escape instead of dragging her to Adel. That had been my last chance to redeem myself in her eyes. I blew it because I didn't want to give in to Squall.
Now to my complete and utter shame, my arch rival has to clean up the disaster that I've created. I have to watch him do what I should have been doing from the very beginning. I have to stand by as Squall becomes the knight I so desperately wanted to be, imagine that she will fall into his arms and kiss him instead of me. He will be her lover and soul-mate, her true love. I, who wanted to be, will not.
I won't stand in his way anymore. I just want to wash the sight of her wounded eyes from my own. I don't want to be part of this anymore. I don't like what I've become. I hate it that a man I always had contempt for has risen above me in the only measure that counts. He is going to save the woman he loves. I betrayed that same woman even though I love her.
If I survive this, I want to start over. I want to lay the old Seifer Almasy to rest in the ashes of this place. If I can just begin again, away from Gardens and politics and war and all the other reminders of my humiliating arrogance, I can rebuild a new Seifer, a better one. I can learn to be satisfied with who I am and what I have instead of desperately trying to be someone else. I want to leave the past behind and maybe, just maybe...
Perhaps at long last...
I will deserve to be someone's knight.
Fin.