MF Speaks #1
OUAT set after the flashback of "The Stableboy" where Regina has moved in to the King's palace.
CORA: Regina, your father and are so pleased you've made this decision.
REGINA: Some decision. You killed my true love! It's all Snow's fault!
CORA: See that? That's exactly the kind of attitude you can't have as Queen. So, your father and I enlisted the help of a motivational speaker to steer you in the right direction. He's been down in the dungeon eating Turkish Delight for the last 4 hours and he should be ready now. Matt, we're ready for you!
A big fat man with glasses pops out of a trap door and waddles over to where they are sitting.
MATT FOLEY: Alrighty there! How we all doin'? Good! Good! (he adjusts his pants as he says this) Alright, so as your mother probably told you, my name is Matt Foley and I am a motivational speaker! (he gets close up to Regina.) First off, I'd like to give you a brief introduction into what my life's all about. I am thirty-five years old, I am thrice divorced, and I live in a CARRIAGE DOWN BY THE RIVER! Now, you're probably saying to yourself, "Sure, I got wealth, I got beauty, I'm gonna get married and live happily ever after with the one I love!" Well, I'm here to tell ya that in reality, you get married, your spouse leaves you after two hours with you, and you end up with a lifetime supply of JACK-SQAUT! Then you can't pay the mortgage on the castle, and the royal family kicks you out, calling you a freeloader, and before you know it, you're eating a steady diet of king-approved cheese, and livin' in CARRIAGE DOWN BY THE RIVER!
REGINA: I would be living happily ever after with Daniel if Mother hadn't ripped out his heart and Snow hadn't spilled the beans.
CORA: She was only doing what she thought was best, as was I!
MATT FOLEY: I just wish you two dolls would bring it DOWN A NOTCH! (He goes over to Regina) Now, your majesty, what do want to do with your life?
REGINA: I want to destroy Snow White's happiness and make her suffer for all eternity.
MATT FOLEY: Well, you'll have plenty of time to watch her suffer…when you're livin' in a carriage down by the river! But really, what do you want to do as a profession?
REGINA: Well, I am Queen now. I don't need a job.
MATT FOLEY: Well, LA-DEE-STINKIN'-DA! We got ourselves a queen here! (He goes over to Cora.) Hey Mom! Hey Mom, I can't see real good; is that Elizabeth II?
CORA: Actually Matt, she's a legitimate ruler.
MATT FOLEY: Mom, I wish you would just shut your big YAPPER!
CORA: You do know I could rip your heart out, right?
MATT FOLEY: Doesn't matter; my 1st ex-wife already did that to me, when she dumped me for that deadbeat lawyer of hers!
(He goes back over to Regina)
MATT FOLEY: The point is, Regina, you can do anything you want with a little PMA, positive mental attitude. Let's do ourselves a little role-play here. You're the Queen see, and I represent a stingy ruler from a neighboring kingdom! And the going's on get going on! "Get out of my way, ya dumb broad!"
REGINA: NO ONE SPEAKS THAT WAY TO ME!
MATT FOLEY: Oh, ya wanna play hardball? Well, here I come, a snortin' and a fussin'!
He crashes into the wall, knocking down and shattering a priceless vase.
MATT FOLEY: Oopsie-daisy! Sorry about that! I've taught you all I know! As I see it, there's only one solution for this problem, and that is for me to get my gear and move it on up to the palace, 'cause I'm movin' in!
CORA: Matt, that's really unnecessary!
MATT FOLEY: I don't give a rat's behind! That dungeon's the closest thing I've had to a home in five years, and I'm sick and tired of livin' in a CARRIAGE DOWN BY THE RIVER!