"You deserve this," he whispered, every word coated with the deep vehemence he had developed for me. His thoughts burned with hatred that rolled off of him in waves. With a last look at the unmoving girl in front of him, he stormed out of the room, tears already brimming over his eyes. My eyes stared down at her lying broken, lifeless on the cold metal table. The pain and despair that shot through me rendered me helpless, powerless to do anything as the life was sucked away from my Bella. Flashbacks from the time I had left Forks swam in front of my eyes, returning the gaping hole that threatened to swallow me, to my chest.
I had done this; I had taken the life away from the only person that I loved the most. She had died because of me. I cursed myself as my eyes examined her emaciated face, the bones stuck out in painful angles. How long I had waited for this woman to come into my life. She had transformed me, turned me into someone unrecognizable. She had taught a heart that hadn't beat in a hundred years, to hum with love. The hate that I had felt from Jacob, took up its origin inside of me. If damnation had been a question before this day, it was certain now. I had killed my Bella. And I deserved hell. But what pain would its fires give me that I didn't feel now? I had lost the battle with the monster inside of me, he had won and I had lost. Even as I looked at her unmoving body, the call of her blood burned my throat. Was there no limit to the disgust I held within me? My legs buckled underneath me as I fell onto my knees. My hands covered my face as I sobbed, the absence of tears only reminding me more of my monstrosity.
Then, as things were silenced in the room, I heard it.
The faint rhythm to my existence. It beat with a painfully slow tempo, but it still beat. That was all it took for me to return to myself. My Bella would not be taken away from me, not today, not ever! With a determined grump, I jumped towards the small desk placed in a corner of the room. Within its only drawer lay a syringe, filled with my venom. Grabbing it aggressively, I ran back to Bella, quickly plunging it into her chest and emptying it of its content. But that would not be enough. Her heart needed to pump the blood at a faster rate in order for the venom to spread, and there wasn't much time left. My hands were placed onto her chest as I compressed lightly, but the whole table moved at the pressure. Ever aware of the fragility of her bones, I worked tirelessly, unwilling to let her go. As I shoved the thoughts of her blood to the back of my mind, disgusted with myself, my mouth moved down her left arm, administering more venom into her system. I moved down to her legs, up her arms, and once into her neck. Kissing her temple quickly, I returned to the vigorous pumping.
As the agonizing seconds moved forward like whole eternities, my resolve began to falter. Her heart rate stayed the same, struggling to beat and becoming softer every minute. Why wasn't this working? A low growl came from my lips as I looked into her eyes.
"Come on Bella! You can't go, I wont let you!" My efforts were beginning to seem futile as the 10 reps of chest compressions had been fruitless. I felt the familiar sting in my eyes but the tears never fell. A sob ripped through me as I took her slight face in my hands. "Bella, please, please, please! Come back to me love. You promised you wouldn't leave me. Dammit Bella, I won't let you go!" I pressed my lips to hers as another sob broke through my mouth.
As soon as my lips met hers, my world returned back to me. The faint rhythm of her heartbeat picked up. It went from a quiet whisper and climbed to the healthy music I loved the most. Soon it began humming as the venom did its work. Her breathing hitched and I almost laughed in delight. My elation filled the room as I heard Carlisle enter the house, his thoughts abuzz with worry and concern.
I should have never left him home. What if something terrible happened? How irresponsible can a person get? Dear God, I hope everything is fine!
I turned to him as he walked into the room, fear evident on his face. His eyes jumped to Bella lying on the table with her hand grasped in mine, covered in bite marks. He walked toward me as he let out a sigh of relief. A firm hand was put on my shoulders and he smiled up at me. I looked down at Bella's eyes, still unmoving.
"I don't know if I've done it right," I whispered, tracing a finger along her jaw line. "She shouldn't be this still." The grip on my shoulder tightened a bit as Carlisle squeezed it in comfort.
"It's the morphine, Edward. Listen to her heart, it positively buzzing," he said, facing me with a blinding smile. "I never doubted you. I always knew that you would find it to save the one you love, I'm proud of you son."
I shook my head, looking down at the rapid rise and fall of Bella's chest. She must be in searing pain. My fault.
"She must be in so much pain," I voiced my thoughts. "It's my fault Carlisle. What if she doesn't except what she will become after this? What if she hates me? I can stand anything in this world Carlisle, but her hate is a hell that even I could not live in." He replaced his grip on my shoulder.
"You doubt your love, Edward. Trust me when I say this, there is nothing in this world that can make Bella hate you, and vice versa. There is something in the way that you looked at each other, something that is only seen with true love."
I turned to him, a somber smile curving my mouth. We both looked to the door at the sound of it opening, revealing a smiling rose. In her hands was a baby swaddled in lavender robes. It whimpered slightly as she walked towards them. Her smile got even bigger when she was close enough to offer Renesmee to me. I hesitated, unsure of how to go about this. I had almost no experience with children and was doubtful of my fatherly abilities. Carlisle squeezed my shoulder once again, encouraging me to reach out. Keeping one hand twined with my Bella's I reached a hand out and took my daughter into my embrace.
The world seemed to change as I took her into my arm. It shifted slightly and the earth seemed to move underneath me. The feeling was not unfamiliar; I had first experienced it after realizing my love for Bella. As I looked into her chocolate brown eyes my very soul seemed to meld to hers.
My daughter, Renesmee.
A yawn stretched her mouth as she nuzzled into my chest, unaffected by the unnaturally frigid temperature. My eyes refused to leave her face as I bent my head and planted a kiss on her forehead. Her whimpering and soft crying had stopped as soon as she had entered my arm. If my heart could have moved, it would have melted at the sight of the angel lying against my chest. I tore my eyes away from my daughter as I heard the door click softly shut. The room was empty of Carlisle and Rosalie, humbling me with their generosity. My eyes returned to the child sleeping in my arms.
I had long given up the hope for a happy familial life, but yet again, my Bella had given me everything. I looked down at her calm countenance, worry lining my face. How much could she give me? What I had given her was dwarfed by a million times compared to what she had given me. A daughter, a love, two reasons to exist. Bella had conversed with me before the delivery. She had told me about her unexplainable need to have both the baby and me. I had not understood then, blinded by the visions that my horrid mind had set up in front of my eyes, all of them involving the violent and bloody death of my Bella. The perfect angel in my hand had not been a possible thing. But now as I looked down at my child, I felt it, the unquestionable need for both of them.
I swayed slightly, my eyes flitting from Bella to Renesmee. My child slumbered, undisturbed by worldly worries.
It was due to her presence that I as able to endure the next days of utter torture. Aside from the continuous feedings Renesmee needed, she was content with sleeping in my arms. I held her close, needing the comfort as I looked down at the face of my wife. Bella showed no movement, but her heart gave away the façade of coolness. She was undoubtedly suffering, burning in the transformation of becoming one of my kind. My whole body ached to hear her voice as I caressed her face. As day turned into night and night into day, her wasted form had regained its former health. Though this gave me some comfort, it did nothing to quench the ache I had to hear her voice.
"Bella?" I whispered. "Can you hear me, sweetheart? I love you. Please Bella, say something."
My efforts gave me nothing, though her fingers twitched the slightest and her facial expression faltered a little. Renesmee grew at a frightening rate, from the time I had held her in my arms only a couple of hours ago, to now. She looked to be 2 or 3 years old. My thoughts gave way to horrible imaginations of her growth never stunting. My concern and worry was directed towards her as much as it was towards my wife. She was so similar to her mother with her bouncing curls and warm eyes. Though what elated me was her ability to surprise.
As I sat with a hand in Bella's, Renesmee crawled to me gracefully and sat in my lap. I planted a soft kiss on her forehead before turning to the door that opened. Rosalie came in with a bottle of warm milk in her hand. Her smile towards my daughter softened as she opened her arms, expectant. I gasped as Renesmee patted my face and something close to a vision flashed across my eyes. It showed her mother, lying still and unmoving. Unquestionable concern radiated from her thoughts. There were few things in this world that could surprise a vampire, but Renesmee, like her mother, was an exception. I smiled brightly at her as I realized her talent. Rosalie looked at her confused before turning her eyes on me. In answer, I simply opened my arms. They were empty of my child before I even knew it, and soon heard Rosalie's gasp as well. She turned to me with total shock in her eyes, Renesmee's hand still on her cheek. It took her a moment for her to realize what had happened. She cooed to Renesmee, gently stroking her face.
"She'll be alright, darling. Just you wait. Now, its time for you to eat," Rosalie placed the bottle in Renesmee's mouth as she fed. I frowned as walked out of the room. My daughter was my only comfort in these times. With her absence in the room came the return of my torturous thoughts. My head buzzed with accusations as I looked down at Bella. Her breathing had quickened, and she had begun having catches in her throat. This signaled the peak of the pain. My face contorted into one of complete torment as I stroked her cheek. Bending down, my lips grazed her, causing her to sigh a little. Though she refused to show it, I knew she was in pain. Pain that I had caused raked through her body as my venom literally burned her. I felt a hand on my back and I picked my head up out of my hand. Esme stood in front of me, concern clear on her face.
"Edward, go get cleaned up, dear. I'll be here with Bella." My head automatically shook as I returned it to my hand. "It's been two days honey, and even though you are not human, you still need a change of clothes."
I looked up at her once again as she moved her hands from my back to my arms, lifting me up. I complied hesitantly as she forced me out of the room. It took not even a second for me to hurry into my room, change clothes and bolt for my door. But something stopped me in my tracks. My eyes glanced back over to where my Piano stood. To the wall opposite it, was the only ornamentation on my walls. A single golden cross hung with complete grace, matching the warm yellow color of the walls. I walked slowly over to it and sat down on the Piano stool.
So many times I had come to this cross, so many times I had looked at it, lost. I had always left the room with some hint of a solution, it had never failed me. I suppose it was ironic that such a monster like me should even be in a holy presence, somewhere where I could gain comfort. As far as I saw it, I deserved far from comfort. A large, pent up breath was let out as I bowed my head. My brain searched for the right words but nothing came out. Yet, my heart filled with warmth as my eyes traced their way back to the cross. It seemed to glow for a second as I felt all of my worries fade away. Though the words were meager and not great, I filled them with all the love I felt for my wife and child.
"Let them be happy," I whispered. "It is all I ever wanted, and it will remain all I will ever want."
With a quick Amen, I raced back to the room that Bella lay in. I found Esme sitting next to her, placing smooth strokes on her arms. She sung an unfamiliar lullaby, but soon stopped as she saw me. With a silent pat on my arm, she quickly walked out of the room. A content Rosalie who carried a sleeping Renesmee in her arms replaced her. My daughter was returned to me as I regained my position near Bella. My hand found hers again and stroked soothing circles on her palm. Renesmee stirred slightly in my arms, but soon quieted when I planted a soft kiss on her head. With hopes for the future, and my family at my side, I waited for my Bella to awaken from her slumber.