Harry Potter sat in the Great Hall, as he always did for dinner, even though on this evening he wasn't eating. How could he? He had just found out that notorious mass murderer Sirius Black was his parent's friend. His Dad's best friend! His Godfather. Sirius Black was his Godfather and he had sold his parents to Voldemort. Sirius Black: notorious mass murderer, death eater, escaped convict and his Godfather. His Godfather was coming to kill him.
Why?
Why did it always have to be him? Why couldn't he just have a relatively normal year at Hogwarts without someone trying to kill him?
He knew these types of questions would lead his thought path to a dangerous place but he couldn't stop the questions as they flew through his mind. He stared emotionless at his plate, his face pale and his eyes slightly puffy from crying earlier in the day, more questions running through his mind. Why did the summer have to end so badly? Why didn't he get a chance to explain? Why did Vernon have to come home early on that particular day? His trail of thought stopped when a letter landed on his uneaten food. He looked up shocked, only to find Hermione's concerned eyes looking at him as they have been all afternoon. He looked at the letter to see his Uncle Vernon's harsh handwriting scrawled across the front of the letter. For a minute hope flared up inside him, as he thought of his final days in little Whinging and the letter he sent weeks ago back to Private Drive. Then he remembered his Uncles final words to him and the hope crashed. His body deflated in defeat and his mood became worse then when he first walked into the Hall that evening.
"Was that the Dursley's?" Hermione asked as inquisitive as ever. Harry nodded not looking up, hoping that it would be enough to stop any more questions. It wasn't.
"Why didn't you open it?" It was Ron who spoke this time, his mouth full of food.
"I just didn't. I'll open it later." Harry replied still not looking up from his plate. His two friends exchanged a concerned glance before Hermione spoke again in a soft, almost calming voice. "Harry, they've never written before. It could be something serious."
"Trust me Mione, I know it's not important." Harry said trying to keep calm. He just wanted to be left alone.
"but-"
"Leave it!" Harry snapped before letting out a large sigh and standing up. " I just need to be alone for a while." He stated before walking out of the hall, letter still clutched in his hand.
Remus often found himself observing Harry. He couldn't help but think after all these years, what if? What if James and Lily didn't die? Would he still be Uncle Moony? Would he have been part of Harry's life? Would he be considered family? He knows clearly that the answer of all these questions would be yes… if they had lived. Lily and James accepted him as they would anyone else and his Lycanthropy didn't change that. For the first time in his life, his Hogwarts friends were the first people who knew everything and didn't care. Yet, he lost them all in one night. Thanks to Sirius Black, (Someone who he also thought of as a friend and another person who he lost that fateful night). He knew that there was still one member from his family alive and in reach: Harry. He also knew that he had no place in his life. Harry had his family with the Dursleys, he had his friends, he was clearly happy. Remus knew Harry had no need for him. To Harry, Remus Lupin was just a professor. These facts didn't stop Remus from wishing that he could still somehow be Uncle Moony. Harry may have family but Remus certainly doesn't.
He noticed tonight however that something was indeed wrong with Harry. He looked almost overtaken with grief as he sat staring at a full plate of food clearly deep in thought. His eyes were puffy and his face was pale as if he had been crying during the day. It was then that Remus remembered that it was Hogsmeade weekend and Harry didn't have a permission slip. This would have explained he sadness in the teen that probably wanted to spend the weekend with his friends, but Remus couldn't help but feel as if there was something more. The concerned looks between Ron and Hermione were not helping settle his doubts as he stared on at the three from the staff table.
To say he was surprised when a letter landed in front of Harry would be an understatement.
He had noticed how the young teen never seemed to get letters from his family and put it down to lack of equipment. Harry had Hedwig who yes he could easily send to them to correspond back and forth, but it is easy for a boy to get swept away into the magical world and forget. He saw the hope light Harry's face before a sort of realisation fell through the boy and the despair that his face has held all dinner came back stronger. How could a simple letter do this? After a few heated words with Hermione, Harry stood up to leave The Great Hall and Remus curiosity grew. He knew he should stay out of it. He knew he had no right to ask but he needed to know.
"Minerva, I wondered if you knew anything about the Dursley's" he asked the thin-lipped professor next to him.
"I'm surprised it took you this long to ask Remus." She said with a slight smirk before her face turned sour. " I don't know a lot unfortunately. Harry has never gone home at Christmas, never receives letters and always looks sad as he boards the train home at the end of the year. Not to mention how small he is! James and Lily were rather tall so it seems odd that they've had such a small, thin child."
"What do you mean?" Remus asked slightly paler than before. He was hoping for a reassurance that they loved Harry as their own. Not this. Not what he was hearing now.
"I'm probably being paranoid from what I've seen of them- the worst kind of muggles imaginable! Albus wont have it though. Says that they treat Harry fine, there the only family his got after all." Minerva McGonagall said in a conspirital whisper before looking along the Gryffindor table before turning back to Remus, her eyes accusing.
"Where is Harry Professor Lupin?"
"He received a letter and left looking rather upset." Remus admitted his concern showing. Professor McGonagall showed her shock before it turned into sympathy. "I'll check on him later. It strange how he gets defensive if you ask him what's wrong when he is upset, just like-"
"Lily." Remus finished with a small smile and a sinking grief in his gut.
The rest of the meal remained relatively silent before students and Professors went their separate ways. It was down a deserted corridor full of unused classrooms, near his own defence against he dark arts classroom, that Remus first heard the crying. Confused at first, as it was now past the students Curfew, he walked slowly towards the classroom the noise was clearly coming from. The sight as he opened the door upset him deeply although he tried not to show it. Harry Potter, huddled in the corner of the room with an open letter next to him, crying his eyes out. A boy who looked completely broken.
"Harry."
Harry left the Great Hall and realised that he had nowhere to go. If he went back to the common room it would only be a matter of time before his friends come to question him. It was too cold to brace the outside weather at this time especially with snow covering the grounds. Too upset to think, he wandered aimlessly around the castle for a while. It was when he heard students leaving the Hall that he slipped into an empty classroom on a random corridor. He sat on the floor before deciding it was time to open the letter that he knew wouldn't be nice.
Boy!
How stupid do you think we are? We take you in out of the kindness of our hearts; spend our well-earned money on food that you put in your ungrateful mouth and now your asking for favours! We will not pass on your Burden onto the Gilthalds. I told that friend of yours all about your troubles with discipline and St Brutus. They know about that day too. I told them. Ha! You will not disrespect us by getting distracted when you're here you freak!
The events of that day don't change anything. Petunia doesn't know as it would upset her to know how truly disgraceful you are! If you ever pull a trick like that under my roof again… I'll make sure you wish you died with your freak parents. I believe that won't be too hard to do.
It's clear to me that our usual method of discipline is not stopping your ungrateful, disrespectful ways. I have a few new ways to tone that behaviour of yours : )
Don't bother us anymore.
Harry finished reading the letter and dropped it onto the floor next to him as tears sprung to his eyes. He won't get to explain. He had one person who he could trust outside of Hogwarts. His escape from it all, where he could just be Harry no Voldemort, no chores. Just Harry. Sure they both had a secret too but it was a nice secret. A private secret. That's gone now too.
It was then that Harry started to sob. It had been a long day.
"Harry."
On hearing this Harry shot up wiping tears furiously from his face and looking towards where the voice came from. Embarrassment seeped through him as he saw Professor Lupin standing by the door with a concerned look upon his face.
"Professor." Harry said quietly looking anywhere but the person standing infront of him.
"Its after curfew Harry." Remus spoke in a harsh tone. What was he doing? He thought to himself as he stared at the broken teen in front of him who was very clearly embarrassed and trying to hide his emotions. It seemed to be the right thing to say as Harry almost sighed in relief before speaking. "I'm sorry. I must of lost track of time."
"No bother, this time. Follow me Harry." Remus spoke before walking towards the door. Harry quickly snatched up the letter, shoving it deep into his robe pocket before following his professor out of the door and only hoping that he was being escorted back to Gryffindor Tower.
He was surprised when he was led to Professor Lupin's office.
"Take a seat Harry." Remus said softly, his concern for Harry back. To say Harry was starting to get annoyed was an understatement. He didn't want a therapy session. Why was everyone so adamant to get him talking about his feelings? First Hermione and Ron, now Professor Lupin. There's so much about him that they don't know. That he doesn't want to share. He will keep his secrets and they'll never know. He has been pretending to be fine for years and he wont ruin that now. Still, what choice does he have? Reluctantly, Harry took a seat.
Remus went towards a cupboard, taking out two mugs and filling them with a warm beverage. He then silently put a locking charm on the door. If Minerva was right about Harry's temper then he would try to storm out at one point during he conversation. He knows better than anyone that an angry, upset teen wandering around the castle at night is not safe. He then went over to the fireplace to fire call Professor McGonagall.
"Remus! Have you seen Harry? He's not in Gryffindor Tower and his friends haven't seen him since dinner." Minerva spoke clearly panicked.
"Professor McGonnagall, Harry is currently with me and I will escort him back to the Gryffindor common room once we have finished our conversation."
"Is he ok?"
"He is fine Minnie. Tell his friends that they shouldn't wait up." Remus spoke calmly using the Marauders nickname for the transfiguration teacher to calm her. Unfortunately the name aggravated her to no end but she knew that Remus wouldn't use the lighthearted nickname if the situation was dire. Feeling confident that Harry was ok, Minerva disappeared.
Remus walked over where Harry was seated, putting both mugs on the table and taking his seat at the opposite side of the desk. He smiled slightly when he saw Harry eye the cup curiously. "Hot chocolate. Drink it, you'll feel better." Remus spoke taking a sip of his own to prove its not poisoned. Harry followed his actions, slowly taking a sip and clearly calming as he drunk the hot beverage.
After a short but comfortable silence Remus spoke, " Harry… what's upset you?" he decided that being blunt was probably the best option.
"Nothing Professor."
"Harry what I saw earlier was not nothing. Everyone needs to cry sometimes and it's nothing to be ashamed of. However, it's poisonous not to speak to the people who care about your welfare when you're finding something difficult. It's clear from the state I found you in that you had bottled up something for too long and that's not healthy." Remus stated calmly.
"No offence Professor, but I think I know my own emotions better than you. I am fine." Harry spat
"Harry, its ok to need to talk to someone." Remus stated not loosing the calm that seemed to constantly surround his person.
"I don't need anything!" Harry snapped as he stood from his seat clearly angry. "Just give me a detention for being out past curfew so I can leave."
"Your not leaving until you tell me what's upset you." Remus spoke his voice remaining calm and reassuring much to Harry's annoyance.
"Why?"
"Why what Harry?"
"Why do you want me to talk about my feelings?" Harry asked, his voice clearly showing his anger as he started to pace around the small office.
"Because it will help Harry."
"It can't bring them back so what's the fucking point!" Harry screamed.
After he realised what he said he stared at his teacher in shock to see the same expression reflected back at him. He sat back down once again trapped in his thoughts as he held his head in his hands. Would it really help?
Harry looked clearly uncomfortable. Remus knew he couldn't force Harry to talk but could hope that he chose to confide in him. It took 5 minutes of agonising silence before Harry spoke. "I know about Sirius Black."
"I'm not quite sure I understand Harry." Remus replied. Surely Harry already knew about Sirius, he has been in the newspapers since the summer.
"I- I know that he's my Godfather. That he told Voldemort where my parents were. That- that he wants to kill me." Harry almost whispered, despair evident in his voice. Remus now understood the grief he saw within Harry's features during dinner, something he mistook for teenage loneliness. How wrong he was. What confused him was how this was new information to Harry, surely somebody told him this. It was about him after all so he had the right to know.
"I must confess Harry, I believed you already knew this piece of information as it was about you. Clearly I am wrong. Who told you?"
"No one told me! I overheard a conversation. How is that fair Professor? He is my Godfather! They were my parents! He is trying to kill me! Why does everyone feel the need to keep secrets from me? They think I'm too young to know or something, but I'm old enough to battle a troll! I'm old enough to fight Voldemort for the philosophers stone! I'm old enough fight the Basalisk that went around petrifying everyone only to find out that Voldemort is draining the life out of Ginny so I have to kill him too! I can do that with my two friends but I'm too damn young to know information about my own life! My own family!" Harry ranted as he stood up from his seat and started to pace once more. Tears were clouding his vision but he refused to let them fall. Remus stayed seated his face growing pale with this new information. When Harry had finished he slowly looked at the young boy in front of him, horrified by what he had already been through.
"You- you fought Voldemort twice? When?" Remus asked in shock. Grown wizards couldn't battle with him once and survive to tell the story, let alone twice. Not to mention a Troll and Basalisk.
"First and second year. Didn't you know?" Harry asked sheepishly. Clearly embarrassed by his outburst, he sat slowly back in his seat and took another sip of the still warm hot chocolate. Remus shook his head no in answer to Harry's question, still rather pale.
Minutes passed in silence.
"Professor, are you ok?" Harry asked breaking the uncomfortable silence in the room.
"Harry, you know that I was friends with your parents?" Harry nodded his head before the Dark Arts Professor continued to speak. "I promised your parents I would look after you. I thought staying away would be safer for you. I was your honorary uncle. They said they would make me Godfather aswell as Sirius if it wasn't for-"
"- The fact you're a Werewolf?" Harry finished timidly. Clearly questioning himself. When he saw his professor's face he knew he was correct.
"How?" Remus asked clearly shocked.
"Professor Snape's essay. I didn't do mine but Hermione had already done hers before you said we didn't have to complete it. Well- I was sitting next to her when she was writing it. She was whispering to herself and I heard her mention you. Then I thought of the boggart and it started to piece together." Harry stated calmly. Remus however remained pale. "I don't mind. I mean you can't help it. It's like a piece of you that's just against you and no matter what you do, you can't get rid of it." Harry stated. Remus was sure that the end of the boy's reassurance was more to do with Harry himself. He was unsure in what the young Potter meant but he knew he'd have to ask. Something more than Sirius Black was troubling the boy.
"Harry, do you know what it feels like to feel as if you have a piece of you against you?" Remus asked calmly. Harry looked shocked before sighing in annoyance. "Sir, we were talking about you not me." Harry stated calmly.
"But you relate?" Remus questioned. Harry looked down before slowly nodding. A tear started to fall down his cheek but Harry batted it away before it could finish its trail. Remus reached across the table to grab Harry's hand in comfort.
"It's like there's this knot inside me Moony." Harry said without thinking. Remus froze at the long lost nickname but decided he would talk to Harry about that later. Now was not the time. "A knot?" he asked in a comforting tone even though he was confused.
"It makes me feel guilty about everything I say and do. It makes me angry that people care about me. It makes me sad that I'm alone but at the same time I know I deserve to be. I'm a freak who can't control his emotions! Who panics in a crowded room full of friends. Who panics in an empty room! It stops me from thinking straight. It confusing because I feel all of these emotions at once but at the same time I feel completely numb. So numb that I don't want to talk or think. So numb that getting out of bed in the morning feels like I'm running a marathon. How is that possible? And I'm tired. Tired all of the time. Tired of being alone. Tired of being crowded around. Tired of fighting back to the insults from Snape and the Slytherins. Tired of fighting Ron and Hermione about what's best. Tired of being the Boy Who Lived" Harry's words got quieter as he spoke. The last sentence was nearly inaudible but Remus managed to hear as Harry said, "Tired of fighting with myself."
"What do you mean fighting with yourself Harry?" Remus asked trying to remain calm. Harry (who believed the last sentence was only heard by him) shot up from his seat in shock. When Harry didn't speak, Remus stood and walked over to Harry. He put a comforting hand on the teens shoulder. "I'm guessing, you feel as if the world is against you at the moment?" He asked calmly. Harry nodded. "That sounds perfectly normal. Secrets have been kept from you. Harry, you have to trust me. You have to believe me. So many people care about you. Hermione; Ron - in fact all of the Weasley's consider you a Weasley i'm sure; Professor McGonnagal, you saw how panicked she was earlier; Me and the Dursley's to name a few." Harry scoffed at the Dursley's but Remus chose to ignore it. He would bring it up later. "Don't believe you have to fight anything alone. Even a battle within yourself should not be fought single-handily. I want you to come and talk to me at least once a week. We can talk about anything you desire. If you don't come I shall set you a detention Harry. You've spoken wonderfully tonight and I thank that you trust me enough to share with me. Know that you're not alone Harry, never alone. Most importantly Harry, and I want you to listen carefully, you are not a freak. Harry your amazing and talented and loved so please stop thinking so lowly of yourself." He finished with a reassuring smile. Harry looked up at him, his eyes filled with tears.
"Thank you. For caring and all." Harry mumble quietly.
"Harry, I've always cared I just didn't believe you needed me to show it." Remus stated calmly, the reassuring smile still on his face. Harry instantly launched himself at the older man, hugging him tightly as the tears began to fall once more. After the initial shock Remus hugged back. He didn't want to hope that this could secure him a place in Harry's life. He didn't want to believe that he still had a chance to regain what little of his family was left. He couldn't help but comfort his family member because, even if Harry never knew, he would always be Family to Remus.
When Harry's cries had seized, Remus pulled away giving Harry a warm smile. He noticed how embarrassed the young Potter looked and gave his shoulder a quick squeeze of reassurance from where his hand still rested. Harry smiled in reply. "Lets get you back to the Gryffindor Tower. I have no doubt that Minnie will be pulling her hair out by now." Remus said as he moved closer to the door. Both were unaware of the crumpled letter on the floor by the chair.
"Minnie?" Harry asked with a slight smirk.
"Your father used to call Professor McGonnagall that during our years as students. It annoyed her to no end so don't call her that unless you want to be in detention with her. To be clearly honest it would probably be me in detention for telling you the nickname." Remus joked before a comfortable silence fell between the pair. The silence didn't last more than 5 minutes before Remus spoke, "Harry."
"Professor?"
"Earlier, you called me Moony." Remus stated.
"I'm sorry Professor." Harry replied quickly clearly embarrassed.
"It's fine Harry. I was just wondering where you got the name?"
"When I was little I used to get confused and call Uncle Vernon Uncle Moony." Harry let out a little laugh at the memory before continuing; "I just guessed when you told me about being my uncle of sorts that you were Uncle Moony. It just sort of made sense." Harry finished sheepishly, looking down at his shoes.
"I can't believe you remember the name." Remus laughed in disbelief. He then started to speak again, unsure of his words. "Well you know I was your family once."
"But you're not anymore." Harry stated harshly.
"Family never truly leave Harry." Remus replied softly opening the door.