Loneless
August 10th 2016
by Esile the Raven, Characters by Yuusei Matsui

It's one of those days. Actually it had gotten better lately, but this isn't something she can escape from, forever. It never stops coming back. Kirara curls deeper into her bed, and she feels that it is all she wants to do.

She knows it's coming since last Monday. It was relatively a good day. She did all what she had to do, she talked to her friends, she even had dinner outside. But the next day, she couldn't. She couldn't finish anything. She kept promising to herself that she would get work done by the end of the day, but it's Friday and nothing is 'done'.

Kirara can't find the strength to get out of the bed to do anything. She doesn't get it either. Why is she like this? She hates this.

The other side of the bed screeches.

"Hey, it's morning." She feels a rough, cold hand caressing her exposed shoulder. But Kirara stays still. She can feel the man looks over to check if she's awake. She's aware of his soft breathing; inhaling, composing his patience, probably tired of her. Even she is tired of herself.

She doesn't understand why she has to keep waking up to nothing. She can't accomplish anything. There's nothing to look forward to. This chapter is over. Why is it not ending yet? What else is there that this life has to offer?

"Kirara," the slightly hoarse voice calls, but she stays still.

"It's alright...I'm not tired and won't be tired of you." The cold, slender fingers begin to play with the curly locks behind her head. "I'm tired of myself, but you're not tired of me. And when it comes back to me, I know you'll say the same thing. And I'll hold on. So you will hold on today."

Kirara breathes out, feeling a little relieved, and slowly turns to face his gentle smile. She can't bring herself to smile. She feels that this man is too good for her. Wasted on her.

"I know what you're thinking." He murmurs, catching her hand and kisses her fingers.

"I know you know." She mutters beneath her breath. She bites her lower lip. "I just...why do I have to feel this way? Everything was fine...and now it's not. I hate this I want this to stop. And...And the only way to stop it is—"

"—To stay," Nagito cuts her off sharply. "You told me yourself, that that feeling is a—a small, occasional battle within us. A battle that not everyone can fight. A battle that gets worse every time. A battle that can literally kill us if we give up once. It will stop. And it will come back."

"It feels terrible."

"It is. And it will be for me as well when it comes back for me. But as long as I am here, you'll fare. And I would like it for you to be there when it haunts me back."

Kirara squeezes the hand that holds hers, and nods, breathing carefully as to not let herself cry. Despite she knows it's alright to cry in front of him, and that he'll understand, she chooses not to.

Choosing. It is their only way to fight it.

"I'd love it that you'd stay for me, but I'll love it more if you stay for yourself." Nagito soothes, and she finally manages a small smile.

"And I'll say that to you when your battle comes." She says. "I want to do something...but then I remember that our house is a mess and I feel like doing nothing."

Nagito chuckles and sits up, looking down on her with a peaceful smile. There are times that their battle comes in the same period, and at that time, they absolutely held onto each other. It was unhealthy, but when it was over, they'd always try and remember to stay for themselves. This time, Nagito isn't in his battle. He can help, but in the end, it's all up to his beloved wife to hold on to life.

"Come on! What about a piggy back ride while you wash the dishes, and I wipe."

"You're weak, you can't even lift an Oxford dictionary without getting cramps." Kirara huffs and forces herself to get up. It feels really hard. It seems like a simple task; getting up. But sometimes, for some people, it's really hard.

They're lucky to have each other, because many others fight this battle on their own. They've been there for years, fighting it alone. But they've found each other only after they understand, that, there are things inside yourselves that you need to accept; that you need to love, to befriend with, to tame. Sometimes they fail at this, and it's haunting.

However, now that they've understand that someone sees something about them that can be loved, they strive even more to learn to love themselves. It is not about having a big ego. It is about learning that you're good enough. About what Nagito sees in her and loves, Kirara wants to know. Nagito feels the same way. Having someone loving him makes him curious and wants to know what makes her love him. And at times, there are fears of being left alone.

But every time, they would convince each other that they're worth it. That they're good enough. That they deserve love.

Kirara sometimes remembers that her husband's got it worse. Because he's too eccentric and a weirdo, he's ultimately alone with no one to understand him. Even she finds him unreasonable at times.

But she loves all of that. And in the midst of her battle, she feels like she should let him know.

When he jumps off the bed to open the door, she hugs him from behind, making him freeze.

"I love you." She says.

She wants to explain more. That it's not just because he's there when she's at her worse. Or that he has certain things she loves. She wants to say that she loves all of him. She loves him for no reason, just because. But she's a woman of short words.

Flustered, she lets go of him and skips out of their bed room, leaving Nagito watching his wife walks away with a lovesick gaze in his eyes.

And because Nagito is a man of insight, he understands.

"I feel like skipping work today, though."

"I'll drag you there. You did the same to me."

Kirara angrily brushes the dishes, creating a pile of bubbles in the sink.

"This feels really bad and sucks, I hate myself for feeling this way." She mumbles with a scowl on her face.

A feathery kiss graces her right cheek, and the taller man snickers brightly.

"But I love you anyway."

All in the battle of love and depression. The two misfits that fits for each other. It won't be the last time she feels horrible, and it won't be the first time when Nagito loses the reason to wake up. But they're there to drag each other to keep fighting.

Depression is a lonely battle, because no matter what others had done, it's all up to your own to not giving it up. Know that you're not the only one fighting this battle; feeling horrible all of the sudden and want it to be over, losing the will to live or to do anything...You're not the only one. And if you think that some others managed to win and live on...Then you can win as well. If you think it that way...perhaps this battle will feel a bit...loneless to fight.

I'm feeling it right now. So I force myself to write this. I feel a bit better now. It's hard to express it. But if you're anything like me, I hope if you read this, you'll feel better as well. I'm alone, unlike these two. But put it this way. It comes down to our own anyway. It won't matter if we have someone, when in the end, if we give up, or surviving, that's all on us. It's always on us. We're the only people we can depend on in this battle. So please, fight on. Right now I can't see anything exciting ahead of me, but I've gone through this before, I can do it again. You can do it too.