A/N: Inspired by the BuzzFeed video "Creepy Ways to Ask if She's Single". Part of my new series I'm calling Buzzfeed Klaine - Klaine one-shots inspired by Buzzfeed videos. I've been working on it for months, and this is the first installment. This one-shot assumes that Blaine and Tina are friends from high school who don't meet Kurt until they are hired on at Vogue in New York.
"Alright, Blainey! Today's the day!"
"What day?" Blaine looks up from his phone as his best friend grabs him by the shoulders and steers him down the hallway. "What are you talking about?"
"Today is the day you ask Kurt Hummel out on a date."
Blaine looks at Tina's determined face, remaining remarkably calm as panic sets in between his eyes. "Wh-what? W-why would I do that?"
"Because the amazing Mr. Kurt Hummel is, like, the only thing you've talked about for the past three weeks. Since the second Isabelle hired the guy."
"I have not," he insists, doing his best to shake Tina off, take a sharp left out of her grasp and make a break for the cafeteria, but she's sticky. She refuses to let go, redirecting Blaine swiftly in the direction of Kurt's office.
"Yes, you have. And you told me that if you haven't asked him out by the end of summer, I should duct tape your hands behind your back, use you like a ventriloquist's dummy, and ask him out for you."
Blaine's head snaps in her direction, hazel eyes judging her hard. "Okay, I definitely never said that."
"You didn't?" She stops their mad dash to pause for thought. "Oh. Maybe that was a NyQuil dream. But you did say you'd ask him out by the end of summer, and today is officially the last day of summer, my friend."
"You can forget it," Blaine says, finally strong-arming his way out of her hold. "It's not happening. I made no such plan."
Tina steps to the side and blocks his path. "Yes, you did. You've talked about it at length. And I know you, Blaine. I've known you since high school. I bet you five bucks you even set an alert on your phone."
"Well, you're losing five bucks then because I absolutely did not set an alert."
Clutched in his hands, effectively forgotten, Blaine's phone chirps like an overly-convenient plot device. Neither Blaine nor Tina look down at the traitor, but Tina smirks.
"See." She snatches Blaine's phone. "I told you, Blaine Devon Anderson. Acting like I don't know you. I know everything about you, you …" She clears the alert, but doesn't stop there when the page Blaine had been reading pops up behind it. "What the …?"
"Tina!" he yelps, making a grab for the device, but she turns her back to him. "Don't look at that! I …"
"What is all this?" She swipes through the tabs open on his phone. "Ways to break the ice at work? How to find out if he's single? Pick up lines that we guarantee aren't cheesy?" She reads through a few of them and chuckles. "Yeah, no. These are hella cheesy."
"I was just … it's … some light reading. Research for an article."
"Yeah, right. Blaine! You don't need any of this!" she says, handing back his phone. "You're a great guy just the way you are. And I see the way he looks at you when you talk to each other, the body language he uses when he's around you. He's waiting for you to ask him out, I know it. You just have to walk up to him and be yourself. He'd be insane to turn you down!"
"No, he wouldn't," Blaine mutters, locking his screen and pocketing his phone. "He'd be very sane."
"You're selling yourself short," Tina says, glancing up at the sound of footsteps headed their way. "I think you need to believe in yourself a little more."
"Believe in myself?" Blaine scoffs. "Just like that, huh?"
"Yup. And the next time you see him, simply walk up to him and ask him. It's really no big deal."
"So you say."
"So I know."
"And if I don't?"
Tina shrugs. "I'm going to dog you all day until you do."
Blaine looks at Tina - arms crossed, hip popped, resolve written all over her face. She'll do it, too – follow him throughout the office, even into the men's room, until he asks Kurt out. How did he get himself into this situation? He should have known better than to say anything about his crush on Kurt Hummel to Tina Cohen-Chang. She was one of the biggest gossips back in high school. He'd thought she would have mellowed with age, but she only seemed to get worse.
Of course, working for one of the most socially relevant magazines on the planet probably didn't help much.
Blaine would be more willing to take the plunge and ask Kurt out if he knew for certain Kurt was single. But the man has been so private about the juicier details of his life since he joined Vogue that, beyond knowing his name, that they're both from Ohio, that he's an only child whose mother passed away when he was young, that he has a healthy obsession with Alexander McQueen, and he's gay, Blaine doesn't know anything else about him. But Blaine's not unique in his knowledge. Most people in the office know those things about Kurt.
All of Kurt's social media profiles are strictly professional, so cyber-stalking him has been of no help whatsoever. He doesn't wear a ring or any jewelry that he hasn't explained away as "inheriting from his mom" or "finding at a thrift store". He's never mentioned a significant other, but a hot, successful man like Kurt Hummel has to have a partner! How could Blaine be so stupid as to assume otherwise? He had considered trying his hand at asking Isabelle if she knows anything, but she's really no better than Tina on the gossip front, and the fewer busybodies Blaine brings into this tragedy, the better.
No way Tina will accept any of this as an excuse though. Blaine knows he's not going to have any luck convincing her that this is hopeless, and he's not going to shake her if he doesn't at least give it a try. Worse, if he makes it his mission to avoid Kurt, Tina will probably go up to him and ask him out for Blaine.
Maybe he can call out sick … or dead … or ask for a transfer to a different office.
He's always thought a change of scenery to Paris or Milan was overdue.
When the drama queen in his head finally takes a seat, Blaine is left with no realistic option than to just go through with it - jump into the deep end with his eyes closed and pray that there's water in the pool.
"Fine. Since you're so determined to see me humiliated today, the next time I see him, I'll ask him."
"Great." She beams. "Because he's coming this way."
And just like that, the world stops spinning, and Blaine feels like he's been jettisoned into space. He can't breathe, and his eyes bulge out of his skull. "What!?"
"Just act natural … Hello, Kurt!" Tina says, waving over Blaine's head.
Blaine turns just as Kurt walks up and God, if there was ever a day that he looked like a model stepping right out of the pages of … well, Vogue, today is apparently that day. Dressed in one of his signature Alexander McQueen slacks and button-down combos, with his hair combed up and freshly highlighted, he appears to have somewhere important he needs to go other than plain old work.
Or someone special he's planning on seeing.
"Hello, Tina! Hello, Blaine!"
"Hi …" Blaine barely gets the word out before Tina climbs all over his end of the conversation.
"What a coincidence! We were just looking for you."
"Were you?" Kurt leans a shoulder against the wall beside Blaine and casually crosses his legs at the ankles.
"A-ha. There's something that Blaine here wants to ask you."
Blaine should have known it was coming. Wasn't that what their conversation had just been about? And yet, the second she says it, Blaine feels the entire universe start to fold in on him, the pressure gathering in his stomach, threatening to rip him apart. "What? No, I …"
"Oh, don't believe him, Kurt. He was just talking about it. Wouldn't shut up about it, actually."
"Really?" Kurt looks extremely intrigued as he turns his full attention to the man trying his hardest to sink into the floor and disappear.
"It's … it's nothing." Blaine wrings his hands together so tightly, he cracks his knuckles.
"Oh, don't be shy, Blaine. Out with it. What do you want?"
"Remember what I said, Blaine," Tina whispers, leaning conspicuously into Blaine's side. "Dog you … all day long."
Blaine looks from Kurt's handsome face over his shoulder at Tina, bouncing her eyebrows in a suggestively threatening way. His feet go cold. His temples begin to throb. He's trapped between his best friend and the man he would love to have as his boyfriend, and all he wants to do is vomit. A soundtrack of one-liners from those websites he's been visiting scroll through his brain as he tries to nail down the one that will both give him insight into whether or not Kurt is single, and give the man a clue that he's interested. "Oh. Okay. Well, I was just wondering …?"
Do you worry about choking alone in your apartment?
"Yes …?"
Do you often smooch anyone?
"If you'd be …?"
When it's late at night, and you hear a noise in your house, do you have a pretty good idea who could be making that noise? Or is it scary?
"Yes, Blaine?"
Do you have any friends that are boys that are more than friends?
"If you're …?"
Is there a missing piece of you out there in the world? Or have you found him?
"… were you thinking of …?"
What piece do you choose in Monopoly? Do you find yourself fighting over the shoe with someone?
In a last ditch effort to think of something – anything – relevant to ask, he looks Kurt over, trying to pinpoint one thing about his appearance that he can mention, something that he can compliment. His eyes settle on Kurt's hands, on a bag from a nearby deli with a butcher-paper wrapped parcel inside that he's holding primly with his fingers, and for some reason, becomes fixated on it.
His brain, not in the mood to be of any help, decides that's what he should go with.
"… are you gonna … finish the other half of that sandwich?"
Blaine's eyes fall on Tina's face the second the words are out of his mouth, her look of disbelief mirroring his personal horror.
"Uh, no," Kurt says with a confused chuckle. "Did … you want to have it?"
"Nope. No. I'm just … curious."
Kurt tilts his head when Blaine takes a step back right into the wall. "Are you okay? You're acting a little … odd."
"Yeah! I'm fine! Totally fine! Completely fine! That's all I wanted to know. Glad to clear that up. Whew! It's getting late, isn't it? And hot? Aren't you guys hot? No? Well, I have to go. I'll talk to you later. Bye!"
With Tina and Kurt blocking both his exits, Blaine can't go far, so he turns to the nearest door, which happens to be a supply closet. He opens it, walks inside, and shuts it behind him, leaving Kurt and Tina stunned in the hallway. Had he been thinking straight, he'd have realized that was probably a bad move on his part - leaving Kurt alone with Tina. But considering the spectacle he made, anything Tina decides to do or say doesn't matter now. Alone in the cramped closet with silence all around, he covers his face with his hands, on the verge of screaming.
"Oh God," he mumbles. "Oh God, oh God, oh God!" That couldn't have gone any worse if he'd planned it that way! What an idiot he is! Why didn't he just ask Kurt for coffee? It's a nice, neutral request. If Kurt has a boyfriend, he might politely decline. Or he'd accept Blaine's invitation regardless and then Blaine could have found out during the natural flow of friendly, platonic conversation. Either way, coffee wouldn't have killed either of them, and it wouldn't have made things weird.
Not the way Blaine just did, by asking that stupid question about Kurt's half-eaten sandwich, and then locking himself in a closet!
Knock-knock-knock!
The door behind Blaine trembles with a gentle but urgent knock, but Blaine doesn't open it. He's not coming out again until nightfall, when he's sure the office will be empty except for a few interns and the janitor. He'll sneak out under the cover of darkness, put in for that transfer, and with any luck, never bump into Kurt Hummel again.
"Go away, Tina," Blaine groans. "Dog me if you want, but you'll have to do it from outside that door because I'm not coming out, and I don't want to talk about it."
"Uh … it's … not Tina," Kurt says, his voice lowered since, Blaine assumes, there are probably people passing by outside. "Can I come in, Blaine?"
Blaine turns around slowly. He stares at the door for a few seconds, going over his options, including (and he's not proud of it) pretending like he's not there, before he realizes things can't get much worse if he lets Kurt in. And if they do, well, he might as well face them head-on like an adult and stop hiding like a teenager.
"Yes. Yes, of course." Blaine opens the door and steps aside to let Kurt in. "Careful. It's a little cramped."
"At least there's a light in here. I'd hate to think of you hanging out in the dark. I know from experience that binder clips can be vicious."
"I thank you for your concern."
"No problem." Kurt smiles at Blaine as he walks in. It's not a patronizing smile, not one of pity. He looks sympathetic, and maybe a little amused. "Nice closet you have here."
"Oh, it's not mine," Blaine says, closing the door behind him. "I came out of the closet years ago."
Blaine didn't need any second-rate website to come up with that joke. It was all him, and from the way Kurt laughs, it seems to work.
Maybe being himself has some merit after all.
"That's a relief," Kurt says. "Always best to move forward. Try not to look back."
Blaine hopes that that's Kurt's way of telling him that he doesn't hold any of that embarrassing crap from before against him. And if that's the case, maybe he can still test the waters …
"You've … you've lost your sandwich," Blaine remarks, noting Kurt's empty hands.
"I gave it to Tina. A bribe to make her go away."
"Why?"
"Because you still haven't asked me that question." Kurt bites his lower lip. "And I thought that maybe it would be easier if you asked me in private."
"Yeah." Blaine gulps hard, his heart starting to race. It's now or never. He only hopes that he and Kurt are on the same page, and if not, that Kurt will be kind enough to let him down easy. "There is a question I've been meaning to ask you for a while now …"
"Yes …?" Kurt asks, eyes lighting up a bit more than when they went through this escapade earlier.
"Only … I'm not good at … I mean, I don't usually have a lot of luck with …"
Kurt puts up a hand, silencing a stuttering Blaine with that simple gesture. "How about I ask you a question? You could say it's something that I've wanted to know for a while, too."
"Okay." Blaine sighs, nodding in relief. "Go ahead."
"Let's say you wake up at one in the morning, and your apartment is on fire. What do you grab first? Your computer? Your cat?" Kurt raises a brow. "Your boyfriend?"
Blaine ducks his head, shy eyes staring up at Kurt as he feels his cheeks turn pink. "My … my computer. And my dog. I'd grab my dog."
"And … nothing else?"
Blaine can't help chuckling. He remembers seeing this question on the third website he went to, but how did Kurt know? It's easy to assume that Tina told him, but if she didn't, maybe he and Kurt have more in common than just coming from Ohio. "No. Nothing else."
"Because …"
"Because, I'm single," Blaine admits.
Kurt smiles. He takes a step forward, closing the distance, and making their cramped enclosure suddenly spacious with the room that dissolves between them. "What a coincidence," he says softly. "So am I."