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MEMORIES OF AN ANONYMOUS CHILD:

By: Jessenia
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It is for their own protection. They will stay here until they remember.

Or forget.

It is my responsibility to guide them. Though sometimes I do not even know the way. Five souls lost, and melded together. They cling to each other like survivors from a ship-wreck.

It is hard to think of.

To me they represent the ultimate agony. Never getting a moment for themselves, always dealt the worst hand and expected to make the best of it. And when the chance turned-up to make something, to get away from it all, they self-destructed.

Why?

Because the people, the very souls they fought to free, turned against them. Afraid. Fear is what drives us all on, now. Though we live in peace, the dark shadow of our memories torment us with the threat of ultimate loss.

Sometimes I think of the honor I have. The only one to see them, to speak to them. But salvaging lost souls is my work, and I cannot attach a sense of honor to the five broken boys that are my wards.

My own.

And somehow I have to tap them. Find where they have run to hide, and draw them out. It is funny. I spend almost as much time in therapy as they do. They're afraid that I'll break down.

And what good is anything when it's broken?

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Session 326: Subject: Heero Yuy

Report: Subject shows substantial tolerance and response to the S.O.L. though subject remains comatose and otherwise unresponsive. Recommend further use of the S.O.L. until subject awakes or demonstrates an acceptable level of progress.

The following is the transcript of session 326. Omitted is the standard primary interaction interval, this may be found in the Pentam Box.
...

N-nanda?
Do you remember tears?
Y-yes. I never liked them.
You didn't like the pain that went along with them?
No. I could handle the pain; it could be dulled, and sometimes stopped. The tears are what would never stop.
They scared you?
I was young. They were necessary.
Why?
Because I thought that if I cried, it would wash away the sins.
You believed in God, then?
Not the way Duo believes.
How?
I don't know.
But you believed.
For a short while.
But you believed.
Not for very long.
It scared you.
No.
Then why ever stop?
I-I felt lost. If God really was so powerful, he wouldn't have made all that happen to me.
And you lost faith.
Who cares.
Maybe He does.
The HE who doesn't exist?
Why do you say that?
Because I am still lost, and no one has found me yet.
Maybe you should find someone.
Why bother?
What do you believe in?
Nothing.
Lie. What keeps you going?
War. Reality. Pain.
Again, you lie. What nourishes your soul?
..... I don't know .....
All lies. Why do you trust the Peacecraft?
Because I can't kill her.
You could not kill her because she was a link to the end of the war. She was a victim, like you. And she was innocent. She is innocent. Like you no longer are.
True.

What keeps you going?
I don't know anymore.
Then what is it that you hate?
War. I hate waking up in the morning and wondering who I'll kill today. I hate having to constantly suppress my emotions to make sure I don't get sidetracked. I hate ....

Stop. What about your emotions?
Perfect, I don't know!! They're ANNOYING!! They get in the way. Like when I tried to kill Duo. I should have shot him!!! A bullet, right between his violet eyes ....
Duo. Why did you not shoot him?
He... he just .....
Emotions. You keep them locked away like this and you will lose all control. It is more dangerous to hide them than to fight along side them.
Whatever ....

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Session: 340 Subject: Duo Maxwell

...

He sits in the chair and looks at his hands. This is usual. When he is ready, he will sigh, shift, and look up at me. He will smile a little, and that will be my cue. It has always been my cue. This time, though, his eyes dart to the right, and he looks at the S.O.L. He frowns and shifts his attention back to his hands. I know what he is thinking about, but I don't want to startle him with a direct confrontation.

I wait.

When he raises his eyes there is a question in them, and I take a moment to ponder if he will ask it. If it pertains to what I think it does.

"Is that how you talk to him?" His voice is soft, a child's voice not the deep tone that it had when he first came here, with his friend in his arms looking, with scared eyes, into mine. I think, out of all of them, I like him most, because he was always their little guardian. Well, I can't say he is my only favorite, but I try not to count Heero Yuy, because I have yet to hold a direct conversation with the boy. He was unresponsive then, he is unresponsive now. He is kept in a room of his own. Kept away from the others.

"It is. We made it specially with him in mind." At this, he smirks, and though I like to pretend that I know him entirely, I cannot think why he is smirking. I mark it down in my book to think on later.

"Why do you keep him away from us?" It is my turn to shift in my seat. With Duo, it is always him who leads the discussion. He is both open entirely, and tightly shut. Not like Heero. Heero is an open book, he communicates beautifully. With Duo all I can make are inferences.

"I don't think it is what you need right now. If he..." I almost forget and divulge classified information. What is it to him, whether Heero is awake or asleep? I adjust my glasses and look at him, he is smiling cynically.

"I can't see how you expect this to work." This again. He always catches me on this. Catches me, because what he says is the crux of my conflict with how I conduct these sessions. How can I reach them if I hide behind glass?

"I know, Duo. But you have to trust me." He looks at me again. Pierces me right through. I can tell he is weighing me. Judging me. This was either a brilliant or ridiculously stupid thing to say. After a moment, he looks away.

"I only trust one person." He finishes the hour in stubborn silence. I spend the time wondering who that one person is. I have not made any progress when the bell rings, and he gets up and leaves without making a sound.

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Session 340: Subject: Chang Wufei

Report: Following a mix of medications, subject became unresponsive. For his session he was hooked-up to the S.O.L. Subject reacted well. No setbacks occurred.

The following is the transcript of session 340 of his interaction with S.O.L. I have omitted the standard primary interaction interval, this may be found in the Pentam Box.
...

Do you remember love?

No.

Try. Remember Her.

I-don't want to.

You loved her?

No.

Yes.

Huh?

What does justice mean to you?

Everything. Justice should be respected, followed, furthered. But there is no justice anywhere. Nobody believes the way I do. The way she....

How do you believe?

Justice is ... it is ... not fair.

But it is justice.

But justice doesn't exist!! I fight in the name of something that doesn't exist!!

Do you really believe that?

Y-no.

I see.

BUT YOU DON'T SEE!! Nobody sees. Even I don't understand.

Then what keeps you going?

DUTY!!! I made a mistake! A BIG mistake! I let her go.

You miss her?

Sometimes.

And she is what keeps you in line. She keeps you believing in the justice that, supposedly, does not exist.

You make it sound more complicated than it really is.

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It is raining outside. I can hear each drop smack on the roof above me and slap the window. I can't work. I look over their files, running the known information on each one through my mind. It isn't much. I give-up and stretch. Then I hear it. The quiet click of one of the doors closing. One of the patient doors.

Patients are not allowed to just wander through the halls, but, strangely, I am not angry. I'm not even afraid. I slip out of my shoes and sneak out of my office, heading towards where I heard the door click. I find myself by Heero Yuy's door, and for some reason when I lift my hand, I don't reach for the handle, I reach to flip open the little shutter.

And smile.

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TBC



Jessenia: Please let me know what you think. I totally revamped this fic. It was originally a one sentence wonder. C&C would make my day ~_^ Please!!



standard disclaimers apply.