Title: Snape wakes up gay!
Author: Siren
Rating: PG-13
Summary: Look up!
Disclaimer: I don't own him, or anything else except for a stuffed platypus
named George.
Feedback: Yes!
Acknowledgements: To the wonderful Pleides for betaing this fic and letting me
know that I can write humor! :)
*****
Severus Snape opened his eyes and was greeted with the usually dull picture of
his dungeon room ceiling; however this morning he paused to study the
interesting patterns that the cracks carved into the cold stone. Tilting his
head, he squinted his eyes and was quite overjoyed to find one particular crack
that looked very much like rabbit. Smiling, he got out of his comfortable bed
for he looked forward to improving the minds of all Hogwarts's students. At
first he restrained himself from skipping because it wouldn't be proper, but
then he thought, "Sod proper!" and skipped up to the mirror, smiling at his
reflection. Then a queer statement came over his face. As he blinked at himself
two words escaped his lips.
"I'm gay."
That said, he let out an ear-piercing shriek as he noticed the sorry state of
his hair. Rushing into the bathroom, he turned the shower on and practically
leaped into the stall, only pausing for a moment when he remembered that it
would be foolish to get his clothes wet. Grabbing the ancient bottle of shampoo
that had sat on the shelf in the shower for numerous years, he emptied nearly
half of it onto his hair and proceeded to scrub as if his life depended on it.
Finally he was sure that his hair was clean and in a proper state, he cleansed
the rest of his
body, and exited the shower.
But once again he was met with a rather horrifying image.
"Hmm," he said turning his head this way and that. "The shampoo must have gone
bad. I'm not really sure it's my colour, though; green would have been better.
But," he heaved with a sigh, "breakfast will begin soon, and I must not be
late."
Turning away from it he was fairly startled when the object called after him,
"Oi! What are you now, a bloody fairy?! You look like a regular poof!"
Severus whirled on the inanimate mirror, and for the first time that morning a
scowl found its way onto his face. Then an amazing thing happened, that scowl
smoothed itself out and was replaced with a look a calm serenity.
"You are entitled to your opinion, but I would prefer it if you would not refer
to me as 'poof' or 'fairy'. If you must call me anything at all it will have to
be 'homosexual' or perhaps 'gay'. Both of those other words are very
insulting," he responded. The mirror shut up, and he was sure that if it had
had eyes they would have been wide and blinking. Leaving the bathroom, he began
to hunt through his wardrobe. After nearly every article of clothing was tossed
about the room, a cry of triumph could be heard from the very depths of
bottomless maw that was Severus' wardrobe.
"I found it! I knew I had it somewhere, but wasn't sure if I had thrown it
out." Hurriedly getting out of his pyjamas, he climbed into the robe. Then he
moved to stand in front of his bedroom mirror. This one was a great deal more
kind and, while Severus twirled in front of it, it spoke encouragingly.
"You look lovely, dear. That shade of pale green suits you marvelously and it
most definitely goes with the hair! I knew that somewhere in you there was a
fashion-expert!"
"Thank you so much," he replied, smiling widely at the mirror. With a final
twirl, he picked up his robe and skipped out the door.
*****
And of course as luck would have it the only person in the Great Hall at the
time was Professor Sprout, with whom Snape had been having a nice quiet
relationship. Of course she was extremely startled by his appearance and even
more distressed. She watched with wide eyes as he skipped down the centre aisle
to the teachers' table. He was obviously very happy, and her melancholy
returned in the wake of amazement. What was she going to do? She hadn't meant
to end up in bed with Flitwick, but everything he lacked in height he certainly
made up for elsewhere! But now she was going to have to ruin Sev's good mood.
there was no possible way she could remain in a relationship with him after
cheating with Flitwick!
"Hello, darling! Wonderful day, isn't it?" He beamed at her. In response she
blinked back tears and nodded hesitantly. "How are you?" he continued, and
rushed onward without waiting for an answer. "I myself feel amazing well, better
than I have for a long time, in fact!"
"Err, Sev, do you realize that you're hair is pink?" she asked, afraid of his
response.
"Yes, I know." he said shortly, patting the top of his head. "I washed my hair
today and that damn shampoo turned it pink. Oh well! Should give the students
a good laugh!" he pointed out merrily. Suddenly he paused and heaved a great
sigh.
"Oh bother all! I've got to go speak with the Bloody Baron about something.
You'll excuse me? Good day." And with a swish of his pastel robes he was gone
from the Great Hall leaving Prof. Sprout sitting in her chair blinking.
Then suddenly she realized what had just happened, and proceeded to rush out of
the Great Hall. She had to find Dumbledore as soon as possible. Something was
terribly wrong with Severus!
*****
Still in a sunny mood, Severus bid goodbye to the Bloody Baron and turned around
to find himself facing the Headmaster. Blinking, he studied the old man in
front of him. Dumbledore wasn't all that old and was fairly good looking. Sev
had always admired him and he admitted to himself that he considered the
Headmaster quite sexy. Thus, seeing as how the day was already so wonderful, he
decided to tell him how he felt.
"Good morning, Headmaster. Did you know that I consider you quite sexy?"
For several seconds Dumbledore didn't answer, but when he did he did so with his
customary calm, if a little puzzled.
"No, I didn't know that. Is there a reason you're telling me this?" he
questioned.
"Yes, there is. I was wondering if you like to..." However, Prof. Sprout
interrupted him, bursting around the corner.
"Albus! Sir, there's something wrong with Severus!" She paused to draw in a
quick breath and then stopped when she saw both of them standing there, Albus
with kind inquiry on his face, and Sev with annoyance on his. Taking in another
breath she continued, "Albus you've found him! There's something wrong with
him!"
"What do you mean?" Dumbledore inquired.
"Look at him!" She all but shrieked, "he's not wearing black, and worse, it's
pastel! And his hair is pink!"
"Yes, you are right, there is something wrong with him." Turning back to
Severus, he held out his hand. After Sev had taken it he turned to Prof.
Sprout. "I'll go have a chat with him in my office. Make sure you tell everyone
that nobody is to disturb us."
"Of course, Headmaster." She nodded her head slightly and left, sure that Albus
would be able to figure out what was wrong.
*****
Dinner, that day...
Ron leaned over to Harry and gestured towards that teachers' table.
"Where do you reckon Snape and Dumbledore have been all day? I heard that
neither of them have been seen all day. And Justin Finch-Fletchley says that he
saw them go into Dumbledore's office, and they haven't left all day!"
"I dunno," responed Harry, "it's probably nothing. Maybe he did something to
Prof. Sprout. She's been looking queer all day."
Nodding in answer, Ron took a bite out of his turkey leg. "And did you notice
how Flitwick keeps trying to catch her eye?" However, Harry was saved from
answering when Hermione glared at them both.
"Would you two stop it! It's not polite for us to gossip about teachers," she
reprimanded with a scowl. The two boys only rolled their eyes in response and
went back to their meal.
Author: Siren
Rating: PG-13
Summary: Look up!
Disclaimer: I don't own him, or anything else except for a stuffed platypus
named George.
Feedback: Yes!
Acknowledgements: To the wonderful Pleides for betaing this fic and letting me
know that I can write humor! :)
*****
Severus Snape opened his eyes and was greeted with the usually dull picture of
his dungeon room ceiling; however this morning he paused to study the
interesting patterns that the cracks carved into the cold stone. Tilting his
head, he squinted his eyes and was quite overjoyed to find one particular crack
that looked very much like rabbit. Smiling, he got out of his comfortable bed
for he looked forward to improving the minds of all Hogwarts's students. At
first he restrained himself from skipping because it wouldn't be proper, but
then he thought, "Sod proper!" and skipped up to the mirror, smiling at his
reflection. Then a queer statement came over his face. As he blinked at himself
two words escaped his lips.
"I'm gay."
That said, he let out an ear-piercing shriek as he noticed the sorry state of
his hair. Rushing into the bathroom, he turned the shower on and practically
leaped into the stall, only pausing for a moment when he remembered that it
would be foolish to get his clothes wet. Grabbing the ancient bottle of shampoo
that had sat on the shelf in the shower for numerous years, he emptied nearly
half of it onto his hair and proceeded to scrub as if his life depended on it.
Finally he was sure that his hair was clean and in a proper state, he cleansed
the rest of his
body, and exited the shower.
But once again he was met with a rather horrifying image.
"Hmm," he said turning his head this way and that. "The shampoo must have gone
bad. I'm not really sure it's my colour, though; green would have been better.
But," he heaved with a sigh, "breakfast will begin soon, and I must not be
late."
Turning away from it he was fairly startled when the object called after him,
"Oi! What are you now, a bloody fairy?! You look like a regular poof!"
Severus whirled on the inanimate mirror, and for the first time that morning a
scowl found its way onto his face. Then an amazing thing happened, that scowl
smoothed itself out and was replaced with a look a calm serenity.
"You are entitled to your opinion, but I would prefer it if you would not refer
to me as 'poof' or 'fairy'. If you must call me anything at all it will have to
be 'homosexual' or perhaps 'gay'. Both of those other words are very
insulting," he responded. The mirror shut up, and he was sure that if it had
had eyes they would have been wide and blinking. Leaving the bathroom, he began
to hunt through his wardrobe. After nearly every article of clothing was tossed
about the room, a cry of triumph could be heard from the very depths of
bottomless maw that was Severus' wardrobe.
"I found it! I knew I had it somewhere, but wasn't sure if I had thrown it
out." Hurriedly getting out of his pyjamas, he climbed into the robe. Then he
moved to stand in front of his bedroom mirror. This one was a great deal more
kind and, while Severus twirled in front of it, it spoke encouragingly.
"You look lovely, dear. That shade of pale green suits you marvelously and it
most definitely goes with the hair! I knew that somewhere in you there was a
fashion-expert!"
"Thank you so much," he replied, smiling widely at the mirror. With a final
twirl, he picked up his robe and skipped out the door.
*****
And of course as luck would have it the only person in the Great Hall at the
time was Professor Sprout, with whom Snape had been having a nice quiet
relationship. Of course she was extremely startled by his appearance and even
more distressed. She watched with wide eyes as he skipped down the centre aisle
to the teachers' table. He was obviously very happy, and her melancholy
returned in the wake of amazement. What was she going to do? She hadn't meant
to end up in bed with Flitwick, but everything he lacked in height he certainly
made up for elsewhere! But now she was going to have to ruin Sev's good mood.
there was no possible way she could remain in a relationship with him after
cheating with Flitwick!
"Hello, darling! Wonderful day, isn't it?" He beamed at her. In response she
blinked back tears and nodded hesitantly. "How are you?" he continued, and
rushed onward without waiting for an answer. "I myself feel amazing well, better
than I have for a long time, in fact!"
"Err, Sev, do you realize that you're hair is pink?" she asked, afraid of his
response.
"Yes, I know." he said shortly, patting the top of his head. "I washed my hair
today and that damn shampoo turned it pink. Oh well! Should give the students
a good laugh!" he pointed out merrily. Suddenly he paused and heaved a great
sigh.
"Oh bother all! I've got to go speak with the Bloody Baron about something.
You'll excuse me? Good day." And with a swish of his pastel robes he was gone
from the Great Hall leaving Prof. Sprout sitting in her chair blinking.
Then suddenly she realized what had just happened, and proceeded to rush out of
the Great Hall. She had to find Dumbledore as soon as possible. Something was
terribly wrong with Severus!
*****
Still in a sunny mood, Severus bid goodbye to the Bloody Baron and turned around
to find himself facing the Headmaster. Blinking, he studied the old man in
front of him. Dumbledore wasn't all that old and was fairly good looking. Sev
had always admired him and he admitted to himself that he considered the
Headmaster quite sexy. Thus, seeing as how the day was already so wonderful, he
decided to tell him how he felt.
"Good morning, Headmaster. Did you know that I consider you quite sexy?"
For several seconds Dumbledore didn't answer, but when he did he did so with his
customary calm, if a little puzzled.
"No, I didn't know that. Is there a reason you're telling me this?" he
questioned.
"Yes, there is. I was wondering if you like to..." However, Prof. Sprout
interrupted him, bursting around the corner.
"Albus! Sir, there's something wrong with Severus!" She paused to draw in a
quick breath and then stopped when she saw both of them standing there, Albus
with kind inquiry on his face, and Sev with annoyance on his. Taking in another
breath she continued, "Albus you've found him! There's something wrong with
him!"
"What do you mean?" Dumbledore inquired.
"Look at him!" She all but shrieked, "he's not wearing black, and worse, it's
pastel! And his hair is pink!"
"Yes, you are right, there is something wrong with him." Turning back to
Severus, he held out his hand. After Sev had taken it he turned to Prof.
Sprout. "I'll go have a chat with him in my office. Make sure you tell everyone
that nobody is to disturb us."
"Of course, Headmaster." She nodded her head slightly and left, sure that Albus
would be able to figure out what was wrong.
*****
Dinner, that day...
Ron leaned over to Harry and gestured towards that teachers' table.
"Where do you reckon Snape and Dumbledore have been all day? I heard that
neither of them have been seen all day. And Justin Finch-Fletchley says that he
saw them go into Dumbledore's office, and they haven't left all day!"
"I dunno," responed Harry, "it's probably nothing. Maybe he did something to
Prof. Sprout. She's been looking queer all day."
Nodding in answer, Ron took a bite out of his turkey leg. "And did you notice
how Flitwick keeps trying to catch her eye?" However, Harry was saved from
answering when Hermione glared at them both.
"Would you two stop it! It's not polite for us to gossip about teachers," she
reprimanded with a scowl. The two boys only rolled their eyes in response and
went back to their meal.