A/N: This is the shortest of the things I'll be posting as a birthday celebration tonight, but I still really like it.
NOTE! If this seems familiar to you, you may have read it before on my tumblr. Please keep this in mind, and don't accuse me of plagiarising myself, as has happened in the past.
"I'm drunk," Luffy announced, his drink sloshing as he swayed on his chair.
"I'm drunker," Ace countered.
"No, you are!" Luffy returned with a weak hit to the shoulder.
"Nu uh, you are." Ace hit back just as weakly.
Luffy paused, deliberated, then offered generously, "We can both be drunker."
"'Kay," Ace slouched over and came to rest against Luffy's side, sighing contently. "You're soft. Like a pillow."
"You're warm," said Luffy, "like a blanket."
"'At's cool… We just need a matter- marter- mattress then."
Luffy hit his hand against the counter until he was completely sure he had the bartender's attention (thirty seconds after he actually got the bartender's attention). "Bartendah! We need a marters. A martyr. I m'n, mad dress."
"Mattress?" the bartender supplied.
"That," they said in unison.
"Well, there are some rooms upstairs," the bartender said hesitantly. "Are you sure, though? I know you both, and I know neither of you are one-night stand kind of guys…"
"Whatev'r," Luffy said as Ace helped him to his feet. "We won't be standin' anyway."
Ace and Luffy stumbled away together, giggling. The bartender was left behind open-mouthed and red-faced.
"I'll be a monkey's uncle," the bartender mused, silently adding but not that Monkey. "I'd've never figured… Izou, you're the love-life snoop here. What do you think?"
Izou looked up from where he'd been furtively eavesdropping nearby and smiled giddily around his cocktail. "I think we have some matchmaking to do in our future, Thatch."