You show the lights that stop me turn to stone
You shine it when I'm alone
And so I tell myself that I'll be strong
And dreaming when they're gone.
-Lights, Ellie Goulding.
The urge to interrupt her before she finished speaking is unbearable.
"Roxanne." The words leave her mouth faster than the fastest lap Albus ever did around the Quidditch pitch. "I love you."
She's only one and a half and still learning to speak. Uncle George and Aunt Angelina are over. Freddie is talking to James, and Albus is hovering around them, hoping to seem more mature if he stays with the older kids. Roxanne stays with her.
"You must be lonely all by yourself." Roxanne plops down next to her and Lily stares up at her. To her, three year old Roxanne is like a hero. "I'll sit with you."
Lily's still too young to really understand anything; all she does is watch the world go by scary fast in blurs of vivid colors that were too much for her young eyes.
(They still are.)
She's six when she starts to think something's wrong with her.
She still has problems with the alphabet and putting her shoes on the right feet. She hears them whisper; that she's slow and a Squib and a poor thing. It makes her feel so out of place with all her older and smarter cousins. They all love her just the same though, because she's their little Lily flower and she's nothing short of perfect to them.
But she knows they're beginning to worry about her, when her seventh birthday is approaching and she still doesn't know the alphabet completely.
She feels bad for making them worry; for making her family who always love her worry. So she makes herself sit and figure it out. She stares at the letters until they distort and become ink blots in her swirling eyes.
Black and white is very dreary, she decides, as the letters warp this way and that on the paper.
She adds some color.
She's just turned seven and no one knows her secret.
She had learnt the alphabet all in one day, right before her birthday. Everyone thought it was a miracle. They were all proud of her and asked her how she did it. She said she repeated it over and over until she had it memorized.
That was the first (and certainly not the last) lie that she told.
She repeated nothing. Instead, she imagined the letters in her head. A had been a mischievous emerald green, like Albus's eyes, while B had been the soothing baby blue that her favorite blanket was.
Things only make sense to her in color.
(She's pretty sure that no one else thinks like that.)
She's eleven and no one knows still but the world is only getting brighter and brighter.
She doesn't want to be the odd one out. She wants to fit in, so she doesn't tell anyone. She doesn't tell anyone about how C is a gentle orange like the autumn leaves that crunch under her feet, or how 8 is a swirly sort of purple, like the color of Grandma Molly's new reading glasses.
She convinces herself that it doesn't matter that she thinks a little more colorful than others. How does it hurt anyone in the long run?
She just wants to be normal.
(The combination of letters that make up normal are all weird colors.)
Her life at Hogwarts is really just a flimsy tower of lies.
She enters in a flurry of sparks and giggles. She's the little Lily flower of the family, and she plans to be a sensation.
She's sorted into Slytherin and half of her cousins disown her.
She doesn't care, really.
(She finally stops crying herself to sleep in November.)
Being a Slytherin isn't all too bad - she has Albus and her dorm mates to keep her company, down in the cold, dark, and dreary dungeons of Hogwarts.
(Except that Albus is kind of like a king at Hogwarts. Talking to him would collapse the social tower, even if they were brother and sister.)
But her fellow Slytherins are nice enough. They walk with her to classes, and chat with her at lunch, and do homework with her.
She feels like she can almost fit in.
(But they're not family and she most certainly is not normal.)
She's thirteen and everything has been slowly coming apart, like a swaying tower waiting to crash.
For the last three years she's been smiling and giggling like a normal school girl and trying to blend in with the crowd.
It worked at first.
But she couldn't stop the rumors; the whispers that passed from student to student; the disgusted looks sent her way.
Apparently the reason she is so quiet is because she thinks she is too good for them, being the only daughter of Harry Potter. Apparently she shags a boy a night, and leaves them in the morning with their memories erased.
Apparently they know all her secrets.
She fights at first because they're wrong, they don't know the real her; they don't know that she sees things differently than they do, that she's never even had her first kiss yet because she's too afraid to admit to herself that she'd rather kiss a girl than a boy.
But no one listens to her, and soon even Lily stops listening to herself.
Lily is a bulls-eye, and people love to throw darts at her, because she's such an easy target.
She's only the ripe age of fourteen, but she's already taken out the razor. Crimson is now the color of anger, of loss, of unrequited love and of K.
But one day Roxanne walks over to her, and her whole world is turned upside-down and around.
"Hey Lils." Roxanne stands in front of her and Lily almost chokes on her spit because no one, not even her own cousins, have ever talked to her of their own free will at school before. "I haven't talked to you in a while."
Roxanne was the only Hufflepuff out of all of them, and while the family had been a little shocked at first, she had definitely proved herself there. And she was just so damn happy all the time, like the world had nothing on her.
"Who dared you?" Lily asks, looking around Roxanne to see if anyone is pointing and giggling. No one is.
Roxanne furrows her eyebrows. "What? I'm just talking to you. Is that a problem?"
"Why are you talking to me?" There has to be some kind of catch to this; Lily is sure of it.
"I'm just talking to you. I thought I already told you that." Roxanne is becoming slightly annoyed now. "Do you not want me to talk you? Because it looks like you're pretty lonely."
Lily shakes her head. "No! It's just...no one talks to me because..."
"Those rumors are bull, don't take them to heart." Now she's sitting next to Lily and holding her hand and Lily's heart is beating a million times faster. "I'll stay with you from now on."
It's just like when they were little kids.
Roxanne is Lily's new best friend.
It's like nothing can go wrong when she's with her. She feels safe and strong and whole when they're together.
Roxanne is her everything.
She wants to be her everything too.
It's just everything about her. Her looks, her popularity, her smarts, her reliability. She is a Hufflepuff and a Weasley and Roxanne through and through, and Lily wishes she knew how to balance so many acts like that all at once and manage to satisfy everyone.
And soon it's not just the everything; soon it also becomes the little things, like the way she tilts her head up when she laughs, or how when she's irritated she pinches the bridge of her nose and sighs like a full-speed train.
Lily's not sure when it started, but all she knows now is that she either completely hates Roxanne or completely loves her.
And soon the end of the year is approaching and when Lily realizes that Roxanne won't be coming back to Hogwarts next year she begins to cry.
Her soft weeping turns into sobbing and later on, as she feels completely exhausted from all her tears, a rush of fear runs through her.
When had her entire world become about Roxanne?
"Roxanne, I think it's time you really know me," Lily says. They're at the Black Lake and no one else is there and it's quiet and it's right. "I know everything about you and you should know everything about me."
Roxanne is laid back as she replies, "Shoot."
"One: I have Graphme-color synesthesia. I see numbers and letters in color. I've never read or written like a normal person."
Roxanne stares at her, but doesn't gasp or have any other reaction. Lily takes it as a good sign because she knows she will break if Roxanne rejects her now.
"Two: I used to cut and I was thinking of suicide. I've stopped now that you're my best friend."
Roxanne gasps. Her amber eyes become watery and Lily cups her face in her hands and catches the tears.
"Three: I like girls. And, I love you." Roxanne is just too close for Lily to think straight anymore, and on pure instinct, she places her lips on hers.
The kiss is short and sweet and not nearly enough. It sets off multicolor fireworks in Lily's heart and she thinks she's going to burst.
"Lily." Roxanne stares into her eyes, her eyes that were never pretty enough, and clasps her hand.
"I think I love you too."
It's the last day and on the ride home she sits alone in a compartment with Roxanne.
They have pleasant conversations. Roxanne wants to be a curse-breaker like Uncle Bill and Lily says that's dangerous and Roxanne laughs and says that's why she likes it. Lily wonders why Roxanne wasn't put in Gryffindor.
It is the happiest she has been in months. Roxanne just has that effect on people; Lily's mouth almost hurts with how wide she's grinning.
They share one last kiss in the privacy of their compartment before heading onto the platform to see their family.
"I'm going to miss you so much," Lily tells her.
"I will too," Roxanne replies, and Lily records the sound of her saying those words in her mind to be replayed on lonely days and paints the colors of the words on her heart.
(R is a golden yellow that speaks of sunshiny days of summer and perfect Roxanne.)
(It's her new favorite letter.)
Roxanne's gone now and it takes all Lily has to hold herself together.
She misses Roxanne more than just missing a friend; she misses her like she is a part of her. She feels as if a bullet has pierced her and only Roxanne can fill it.
She keeps looking at the Hufflepuff table, trying to find her, only to remember she isn't there to be found anymore.
Everything is falling apart.
Roxanne was the center of Lily's universe; if you take away something's core, everything will crumble down.
Lily's world becomes less vivid and colorful until all she is is a black and white photo album, filled with memories of Roxanne.
She is nothing now.
One day she is locked up in the trophy room by some bullies, and held there until Professor Mcgonnagall finds her.
She breaks down.
She finally meets Roxanne again next summer, and its like an explosion of paint is splattered onto her dark world.
"I've missed you so much."
"So have I."
They pick it up and it feels almost perfect.
(Except for the part where Roxanne's lips taste like faraway adventures and not-with-you's.)
Seventh year is even more hellish than sixth.
"You like girls, don't you Lily?"
"That's disgusting."
"You're Little Miss Potter, aren't you? Bitch."
The knife pierces her skin again and the blood running down her pale arms is red, like love and anger are red.
(She thinks its a nice color on her.)
She graduates to find Roxanne waiting at the station for her.
Lily jumps off the train and into her arms and thinks that this is the way it should be.
"I'm a curse breaker now!" Roxanne exclaims and Lily can't help but smile. Her mouth finds it to be a weird feeling, seeing as she hasn't grinned in months.
"How are you Lily?"
Lily talks. And talks and talks, pouring out the words she never got to say over the past few months.
"I missed you so much." Lily leans her head on Roxanne's shoulder and fits herself perfectly into the gap.
Roxanne strokes her flaming hair. "So have I, Lils."
"Will you stay with me this time?"
"I have a job now."
"I'll come with you."
Roxanne looks at her with these shocked but happy eyes and Lily thinks that of all the things she could do with her life, being with Roxanne was the best option.
Roxanne's ready to go on some dangerous mission now, and she won't let Lily come.
Lily is less than pleased.
"What's so different about this mission? I've gone everywhere with you!"
"It's more dangerous than the others, and I can't have you dying-"
"I don't see you worrying about yourself!"
"Lily, that's not the point-"
They're shouts get louder and louder until they're nose to nose, glaring angrily at each other and panting from their outbursts.
Roxanne takes a deep breath. "Lily, I just want you safe. I want you-"
The urge to interrupt her before she finished speaking is unbearable.
"Roxanne." The words leave her mouth faster than the fastest lap Albus ever did around the Quidditch pitch. "I love you."
Roxanne leaves immediately the next morning.
Lily falls apart.
(She never really comes back together.)
Her new pastime is to sit by the window, waiting for her to return.
She never does.
And now she's an older woman, still waiting at the window for her to come back.
A black and white letter is dropped on her lap by an owl. It is bland and dark and unforgiving and Lily can't even see the colors in the letters anymore.
(She does still see a faded sunshine yellow in the letter R, in Roxanne.)
The gravestone is a cold slab of stone, in the middle of the graveyard. She looks exactly like everyone else and Lily can't stand to see her become one of the crowd, because Roxanne is a firework, her firework.
She ties a yellow scarf around the stone and leaves a bouquet of yellow roses.
She stands and stares and turns away. She promises to never come back and leave her like she had left her.
That's a lie. She comes back the next day with another bouquet and wishing that the sun would come out again.
A/N: Um.
Done for:
Cluedo Competition
Apprentice Competition
Camp Potter - Tech Ed.
Femmeslash Project - Angst, Return
Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry - Hogwarts orchestra
Legendary Gods/Goddesses Competition - Aphrodite
HP Potions Competition - Babbling Beverage
Pairing Diverstity Boot Camp - Prompt #35: Purple