Disclaimer: The only part of Doctor Who I own is my unabashed love of it. The rest belongs to the BBC and friends.
"You call yourself the Doctor, why do you do that? You have a name I've seen it. In one corner if that tiny-"
I am cut off by the Doctor's finger on my lips.
"If I rewrite today you won't remember. You won't go looking for my name." The bitterness in how he says 'my name' hurts.
"We'll still have secrets?"
"Huh, better that way."
He said that earlier too. I know he means it, because somehow, he actually believes it. The Doctor, the most impossibly curious person I have ever met, believes that not knowing things can make us safe. Oh Doctor, what could have happened to you for you to think that?
"Doctor?"
He turns back to look at me again.
"I have to do this."
"I know, but that doesn't mean I have to like it."
If he doesn't do this the TARDIS dies, and so do we. This is the only plan, I know that.
"Clara…" He is pleading me to drop this now.
I just shush him quietly and walk over to him. I wouldn't go looking for his name, not in the way he is implying. Not at all. I don't want to know it for the sake of knowing it. He makes it seem like I have solved the universe's biggest mystery and that I am pleased with myself about that. That isn't it at all… How do I make him understand that…?
I can let myself neglect my trick for a few minutes, for him.
And so I put my hand behind his head, giving him a slight tug down to where my lips can reach his.
It's soft and simple. I kiss him, he kisses me back. I started it, and I end it too, pulling back to look at his so very confused and somewhat pained face.
"Why-" He starts before I silence him the same way he did me, with a finger over his lips.
"Because you aren't going to forget this are you?"
"No."
"Good. Because I just kissed you. Not 'the Doctor.' Not an enigma, not a lonely God. Just plain old you, a lost child of Gallifrey."
His eyes light up when I mention his planet, but he still doesn't seem to understand.
"I told you that I wasn't bargain basement standard for someone else. You need to know that you aren't either. You are not just a trail of legends across space. You are a person. I want you to be kissed by someone who thinks of you as that, a properly real person with a name."
"You're not a ghost story. I know I thought I was a ghost to you, but you think you're the ghost don't you? A ghost who appears and vanishes through history, never really being seen, you don't get to be an individual, you are always the Doctor. Well, you are more than your mystery. At this moment you aren't a ghost, not to me.
I'm fighting the tears running down my face right now. I have to choke them back, I have to finish. I have to make him understand.
"And I'm not going to remember saying all of that, but you will. So you remember this! When you think you are alone, remember this, remember the girl, just Clara, the human girl with fragile skin, who knew your name and kissed you, not 'the Doctor.'"
We're both crying now, he seems terrified to move, so I pull him into a hug. His arms wrap around me almost forcefully and we are sobbing on each other.
In one way I hate myself for doing this, it feels almost selfish. I won't remember standing here with him, both of us wracked with tears. At the same time, I am so glad I managed to get that all out, because that is what I believe, and I don't want him to ever feel alone. I know I can't always be here for him, that I won't be able to always be here for him. But he is a clever boy and he will remember this, and hopefully it will help.
The trembling of the room makes us break apart. He has to reset time. We know that.
He puts his hand on the same side of my face he did earlier, more of a caress this time instead of a passing touch.
"Thank you." He says, before kissing me quickly and throwing himself into the time rift, disappearing into the white light.
I close my eyes to try to block out his screaming, and brace myself for whatever sensation comes next.
A/N: Thank you for reading!