I wasn't quite sure what I thought I was doing. There was no time between the moment we first met and the moment that I knew I was so undeniably, irrevocably fucked. There was nothing I could do about it, I wish I'd just kept my mouth shut. But of course, if I'd kept my mouth shut I'm sure I'd say that I at least wanted him to know. So wrong. By being in pain I was hurting him, which in itself was painful for me. I couldn't ever cope with it, I should've just stayed away from him. I experienced having the love of my life for one week, in return for months of self-hatred and heartache. I'd probably do it again. I'm just that selfish kind of person.

You close the covers of your journal, stashing the girly notebook in your bedside drawer. You hate the pink and all the flowers covering it, but it was a Christmas gift from your grandmother. So you use it, instead of wasting binder paper or one of your art notebooks. Your phone goes off, that particular 'tweet' tone that you know means it's him. You should probably answer it, you know he's worried out of his mind, but you don't really want to. Instead you roll over and let your mind wander. Without fail, your mind floods with all the reasons you're in this situation.

- Six Months Earlier -

You stretched, still in your underwear. You probably needed to get dressed soon, but you had like fifteen minutes until the bus came around, right? Whatever. You'd be fine. Your phone rang and you scrambled through your dirty clothes to locate it, before realizing it was your best friend. You smiled, answering immediately.

"Aqua!" You said cheerily, beginning to sift through your pile of discarded clothing for a good shirt to wear.

"Hey, you're up! I'm out at the bus stop, where are you?"

"Getting dressed, Aqs. Give me a minute, okay? Jeez." You teased, hearing her giggle on the other end.

"Okeydokey! See you soon!" The line went dead and you rolled your eyes, tossing the phone onto your bed while you slipped on a slim Castiel tee shirt before throwing on a pair of black skinny jeans. Tucking the phone in your pocket, you ran a comb through your shoulder-length hair and grabbed your deodorant before heading out the door.

You lived with your dad in a crappy little apartment, and though it could've been worse it could've also been a lot better. You sighed, shaking your head. Don't think like that. You spotted a splash of bright blue from the corner of your eye, and saw Aqua frantically waving at you from the bus stop. Assuming the bus was there you ran, scrambling to get out your pass, but she just hugged you.

Aqua Valyerie was about a foot shorter than you, with long wavy black hair and big sea green eyes. She was almost always smiling, and she just had so much energy. She was a freshman, just a smol in your eyes, but your half-sibling twins lived right next door to her with your mom, so you became good friends pretty quickly.

"Hey, _! Are you excited for the new trimester? I've got so many cool classes!"

"Really? Let me see."

You exchanged schedules to see that you both had fourth as a free period, and Japanese together second.

"Awesome! This is gonna be so great!"

You hoped so, this was your last six weeks before college. In fact, you already had your college picked out and you'd be starting late that summer! You were really excited!

"_? _! The bus!"

You blinked back to reality to see Aqua frantically waving a hand in front of your face, the bus just pulling up. She grabbed your hand as you showed the driver your pass, dragging you to the back of the bus to sit across from you. You plugged your headphones into your iPod, feeling your stomach protest a little. You always felt sorta sick on the bus, but it was no big deal. You hummed along to your Big Time Rush playlist until you saw your stop, reaching to signal the driver but Aqua beat you to it.

She stuck by your side as you walked to the school building, headed for the cafeteria. It was Monday, meaning french toast sticks. Yes. You could feel your mouth watering as you ran to the line, rifling through your slytherin wallet for breakfast money. Come on…

"No need, sweetheart. You've still got five dollars in your account." The lunch lady informed you, smiling.

You quickly thanked her, stuffing your face with syrupy heaven before even making it to your table. Aqua sat next to you, Gordy on her other side, Wally across from you, and Hunter and Derek on either side of him. There's a good chunk of your table left open but nobody's sat there since last year, when Cyrus, Kenny and Seth had graduated. It's not like you've looked for people to fill the seats, your nerd clique is complete how it is.

"_! Oh, my god, please tell me you got caught up on Blue Exorcist last night!" Wally immediately nerds all over you, and you're eager to nerd back. Your friends would laugh but they're in on the conversation too, of course.

You were all engaged in your geekish conversation for a few minutes before someone took the seat next to you, immediately earning everyone's attention. You all shut up and glanced at her, and she stared back. No, wait, that was definitely a guy… he just had long hair. He didn't seem nervous at all, brushing a blue-dyed lock out of the way of his glasses.

"Heya, I'm Timber. I, uh- I'm new here. I transferred from somewhere else, a school in New York."

Derek caught your gaze for a moment as he sat up straight, dark eyes scrutinizing the newcomer. "Timber… Gold?" That earned him a surprised nod. "Ha. Hey, good to see you again. It's me, Derek. Derek Ryder, from Silver Lake summer camp, '08?"

Timber's eyes widened in recognition, and he grinned. "Oh my gosh, Derek!"

"Haha, hey. This is Hunter, Aqua, Gordy, and _."

"Hey!" Wally huffed, shoving Derek's shoulder.

"I'm sorry, I think there's a draft in here." Derek teased him, making Timber laugh.

"I'm Wally." He huffed, rolling his eyes. "Hey, _, you okay?"

You blinked, looking up. You'd began to sort of stare down at the table, very intensely. You managed to chuckle, nodding. "Yeah, I'm fine." You glanced to Timber's forest green eyes for a second before returning to the conversation. "So, we were talking about when Grell…"

In your head, of course, you wondered how long it would take to dig yourself out of this one.

[Hey, been awhile. Sorry. I kind of moved to Ao3 under HookbackKarkat... feel free to bug me via my tumblr you-know-you-want-my-pickles! And check out the playlist I'm setting up for this fic.]