Do you remember…
That day you were born? Tears dripped down your face, but a smile was on ours. It had been a cold winter day and our car got stuck in a blizzard, but we managed to trudge all he way to the hospital. A blanket of ice had wrapped around us encasing us in the cold and we soon found out that I got hypothermia. It didn't matter, because you were born, and even I did mind the fact that they called you the prettiest baby in the world. We hugged each other and laughed despite everything and when the hospital took you away, I cried for hours.
Do you remember…
When we grew to big to share a bed, and Mommy got us a bunk bed? We argued for hours until I shoved you to the floor and you ran away crying. I locked myself in my room and when I finally came out, you were gone and you left a note saying you ran away to the woods. I had followed you because I was the big sister and had to be responsible. Do you remember when I found you next to that large willow tree where we would build a tree house a few years later? You were crying and I put my arms around you and said I was sorry. Do you remember how we stayed their hugging until Daddy sent out a search party for us?
Do you remember…
That summer day when you were three and I was five? Mommy and Daddy took us to the beach and bought us new pink swimsuits. We had been so happy at such a miniscule thing back then, in a way I could only wish I could be right now.
Do you remember…
That day we went to Disneyworld? You got a Minnie Mouse hat, and I got a Daisy hat. We spent the whole day pretending we were the two of them. You talked in a high pitched voice and I quacked a million times until Mommy yelled at us to shut up. There was a big scary roller-coaster that I wouldn't go on, but you took my hand and told me you would be there for me. Mommy and Daddy laughed, but I actually thought you meant it.
Do you remember…
When we found out you had leukemia? I was only nine years old at that time, I couldn't understand why. Why God would do that to our family? Why would he do it to me? Do you remember how Daddy blamed himself for what happened? Do you remember that even though she would never say it, Mommy did too?
Do you remember…
All those nights spent screaming at each other? Do you remember how much we hated each other and how I realized how long a silent treatment could last? We would yell until the walls were at the brink of shattering. You said I didn't love you, and I said I could never do enough to satisfy you. We weren't the only ones arguing. Mommy and Daddy fought about so many things that made no sense to me back then. Not that I cared. All I did was listen to the shouts and screams and the door slams. I curled into a ball in my room, trying to hide from the flames that were ripping my soul apart. One day Mommy boxed up all her belongings and got in her car and drove far away. That was the first time I saw Daddy cry.
Do you remember…
The stacks of bills? Letters asking for money we didn't have flooded our mailbox and gushed out the sides leaving little pieces to pick up no one could pick up after? Do you remember all those toys disappearing from out room? Do you remember all those beautiful pictures on our walls vanishing and leaving a tiny empty hole in the wall that sucked every piece of life and energy I had. Do you remember how we owned the same car for six years?
Do you remember…
All those times you would disappear to the hospital. Sometimes, you'd be gone for weeks even, and I would lay awake in bed all night wondering why I couldn't hear you breathing next to me. The room would feel so empty and cold and the stars didn't look so pretty anymore. Not without you there. Whenever you came back, you face would be pasty and gray and I wondered what the doctors did to you. They never helped, since everyday, you'd just get worse and worse, but they didn't care. I knew because the bills still rose higher and higher.
Do you remember…
How I held your hand through all those years? Do you remember how your big sister was the one who let you cry on her shoulder? I forced back my own tears just for you. Do you remember how I would keep all your secrets from Mom and Dad even when our family was falling apart?
Do you remember…
Those nights we would lie on the grass and look at the blanket of stars in the sky? You told me about the paradise up there that we would run away to every night. Where lush green grass stretched farther than we could see and the sky was flooded with bright lights. Fairies with wings of glass would come out of their beds every morning as they pried open the petals of their flower and stretched their wings. Unicorns would gallop across the hill, free, and unbound by life the way we were. And at night, fireflies would come out and rip across the night sky, surrounding us and lifting us higher and higher where the tiny drops of gold would dance. The most import part was no one ever got upset and no one would be sick the way you were.
Don't you remember?
Don't you remember how when you were gone, I would slip back in there for days? Don't you remember how I would let myself get sucked into the hole of my imagination and let it swallow me up. Don't you remember those days I would stay in bed? How I wouldn't eat anything at all? The way I had nothing on my mind except for you? Of course you don't because you left me.
I remember
That day you went to hospital. Weeks pass, but you still didn't return. Mommy wouldn't let me see you, but I ran away anyways. I took a bus I went all the way to the hospital all by myself just so I could see you. The doctor let me into your room. I was so excited to see you again, but looking back, I wish I hadn't. Your skin was cold and clammy and your eyes were lifeless and gray. You didn't even look at me even though I sat there and talked to you for hours. You didn't even acknowledge me when I left. I came back the next day anyways. The doctors said you flat lined an hour ago. I went home and wrapped myself under a sea of blankets and cried for days. I let myself slip away in the tiny imaginary paradise we dreamed of. But one day, I realized it was imaginary and it would be nothing more. And I realize I couldn't deny the facts anymore. The fact that you died. The fact that you didn't even say goodbye.
I wish you saw
The way I cried at your funeral. The way Mom and Dad wouldn't even look at each other. I wished you'd see all those kids from school come mourn for you. Because that's when I realized you'd never go shopping with those kids. You'd whisper over the phone and gossip in the hallways with any of them. You'd never be asked to the movies. You'd never go on a single date. You'd never graduate. You'd never go to college. You'd never get married. You'd never have children of your own. I used to think the Mom and Dad would be the first people I would cry for. Guess you proved me wrong.
I bet you don't know
How I got all those scars on my arms. Bet you didn't see me crying at night, ripping the blade through my skin and to deal with you. I tore down the universe we created. I stomped out all the flowers and shot down the sun. Burned the trees and killed the creatures and pushed everything into a black hole. But what was the point? Because everything was already a black hole without you.
Here's something you should remember
I hate you. Everything is your fault. You caused Mom and Dad to have a divorced, you tore our family apart. You sent me to rehab so many times, everyone gave up on me. You accused me every night you were since you were sick for not loving you. You called me selfish. You made Mom and Dad forget about me. You let me fade to the back of everyone's mind.
But most of all
You hurt me. I loved you. I loved you more than I loved Mommy and Daddy. But you hurt me. Because you don't love me back. You left me. But you know what? I still love you. Not matter how much I want to hate you, I love you. I always will. I miss you.
~With love,
Your big sister.