Sorry but I've been experiencing severe computer problems. I can get on the internet but until I get my own computer, I won't be able to update. I just happen to have completed files on my flash drive. Again, I'm super sorry that you'll have to wait to see much more from me.
Notes: Um... This was kind of supposed to be based on that song by Pink Floyd "Comfortably Numb." I actually don't quite know what that song's really supposed to be about. I mean, at first I thought it was about relaxation. Then I thought it was about mental illness and then I watched the music video and suspected it was about drugs. (It's Pink Floyd, what do you think?) You know, if this song was meant to be about anything at all. I tried to be back to what I used to be but... Yeah, can't avoid adding in philosophy. I'm not sure about how Hiei/Mukuro this is. It was intended to be that way but didn't quite happen. It gets weird at some points and if you jump to my note at the end, I'll tell you exactly why it is the way it is. And if you wanna ask... Yes, I'm still a goddamn insomniac.
SUSPENDED ANIMATION
"Hey, are you awake? Can you hear me in there? Is... there anybody home in there? I don't think it really matters. The result is the same either way I'm sure. Just... I hope you at least feel me in here."
Lately I've come to an interesting realization
(Not really a realization.)
to say the least. Apparently Mukuro, who everyone seems to say is the most cold blooded of the three kings
(And who I've been forced to know by face and name... Laugh all you want and call me anything you want but if you were in my position you probably wouldn't know three names or faces like that either.)
is a woman. And I've seen all the evidence needed to back this claim. Bit if an interesting fact, I guess. Considering what we seem to think about women- not that I ever thought little of them. It's just that we set ourselves up to think certain things about certain types of people. If you know what I mean at all. Either way, I never bought into stereotyping. Anyone can die the same way regardless of the psychology. If that means anything to you.
Mukuro's an interesting person to say the least. Can't think of another way of saying it. Guess she's one of those people you can't put into words and let all the actions tell story for you. We all know a person like that. If you happen to strongly believe that you know no such person then she's one for you. Long story short. What can I say? No one's got the right to do what I apparently can't do either. It doesn't matter. Anyone who knows who I'm referring to won't need much of a description of her character anyway.
She puts her hand on the glass. "If at any point you do hear me I'm sure you would respond. If anything just nod or twitch if you can hear me. It's not a comfort thing. It's just that I hate the feeling like I'm talking to a wall. And I might as well be doing so."
She comes in about everyday and she looks at me like a doctor looking at their patient, for the lack of a better comparison.
(Or it felt something like it. Never been to a real doctor actually. I've been to one before but not the same kind you're probably thinking of.)
Then she removes her mask. Every time she sees me she does that. To make things more personal? Because I'm the first-and last, possibly, if things carry on like this-person to see that side of her? To make sure that I'm not too much of a paranoiac that I would find seeing her face easier to swallow? I don't know. It feels an awful lot like she's leaning more towards the first one. And anyway, it doesn't matter. It'll all end once I get out of this machine
(Life support?)
There just wouldn't be enough chances for her to see me when I do get out in general if things really do carry on like this. It can't be that different, right?
She also makes it a point to put a hand on the glass. Longingly it feels like.
(Longing for what? Don't ask. Quit asking.)
Don't know what she's expecting to happen when she does that. If I could I would do something just to mess with her head. Really, what do you expect me to do? It feels like window shopping... Not that I know what that takes.
(Laugh all you want but if you're not a human or someone from the wealthier parts of the country, you wouldn't know what window shopping really is in comparison to looking inside a store, looking at things you would never want or never want to have.)
Maybe it's the circumstances but you would think the same way if you were completely exposed to someone who hasn't seen stuff like this before. Just enough times to see it and not bat an eye.
(Okay I take it back. She has. Just not in the same context or bodily proportions apparently.)
Anyway, the point is she just puts her hand on the glass with that hopeless look she has in her eyes. The rest of her face says, "I shall overcome," sure, but her eyes say, "I've been overrun."
What is it that you think of when you put your hands on the glass, Mukuro? What are you expecting me to do when you put your hands there? What do you want to see- my hand reaching for yours, a nod of acknowledgement or of rejection, a look of acceptance? What is it that you're looking for? Signs of life? Sound of my breathing? A faint heartbeat? What? What do you want from me, Mukuro? Just what?
"From the looks of it, it looks like you've healed pretty well all things considered. Though looking at you and looking at Shigure, I'm a little considered. He should pull though when his brain intact. I hope. As of now, you still have another week to recover. Can't risk taking you out too early. Enjoy the time while you can. I suppose you can look at it from that perspective if you really wanted to or if you really needed to. In any case... It's time for your shot. Okay... Disregard what I just said. What I meant to say was that you can't be out for long periods of time. Then again, this should boost your immune system too... Well, you know what I meant." She runs a hand through her hair, exposing the scarred right side of her face. She pushes the button and the liquid in the tank begins to drain as she gets the syringe ready.
How I hate getting shots. Never got them before. I've seen people getting them and watched them writhe with faint amusement as the needle pierces their skin. For some reason I always thought it was pretty interesting to see. Maybe it's only so until you experience it firsthand. But is there anyone out there who throughly enjoys a needle piercing through their layers of skin and into the layer of cells on the outside of your vein and injecting drugs directly into its lumen- or better yet the same act except its sucking out the red and white blood cells that are rightfully yours for the purpose of looking at it under a microscope in some screwed up mixture of dyes.
(Now that I mention it, what do they do with your blood after the procedure? They don't need five syringes full of blood to do all that.)
You ever wonder what happens once that medicine
(Which also for the record is also a series of chemical composition that they most likely murdered a bunch of animals, not that I'm an animal lover or anything, to get a nonlethal concentration-unless you happen to have an allergic reaction to one of the chemicals. No, shots aren't something to be wary of.)
is injected in your body- it has to cause some change in the flow of blood, right? No your heart's probably a wonderful filter to balance out such things. Well, thank whoever Mukuro's good with a need. I don't want to know where or how she learned to deal with this stuff. Three guesses are good enough for that one.
I actually don't know why she's giving me a shot. My arm hurts just as badly as it did when it got sliced off and what's worse is that it's mostly in the bone. Must be my bones growing back.
(How should I know if that';s what the pain is? I've never had my arm hacked off before. You think I'm stupid?)
And she's got the nerve to inject whatever it is into that arm. Yes, it hurts less after a certain amount of time afterwards but you want a needle shoved into your femoral centimeters away from your partially healed wound, would you? Thankfully she doesn't do the same to the one on my stomach. It hurts just as bad, if not worse, there too... That would hit an organ, wouldn't it? I guess that wouldn't be so bad if she killed me again. She could just revive me in whatever way it is. Kind of like getting run over by an ambulance.
"You're going to feel a bit of a pinch right now. Same as always. I'm sure you already knew the drill long before you entered this room. It'll ease the pain. It looks like it helped you heal a lot faster too. As far as I know this is just a painkiller. No one tells me these things unless I ask them to tell me. Well, demand's more like it." She took a pad, poured a bit of alcohol on it, and after a few moments of hesitation, puts pressure on his arm where the wound was and nods knowingly. She does the same to the one of his stomach. "...Your vein's really hard to find. You must have low blood pressure. You look like that type of guy. Or you have small veins. Either way, you look like that guy. Actually, it's times like these I wish I were a doctor. You know people've told me that I have a pretty good eye for things like these? ...You're really unconscious, aren't you?" She shrugs and inserts the needle in his arm.
What the hell are you thinking by putting your hands on there? What is this- "Show me where it hurts, har, har, har!" Stupid bitch! In case you didn't notice, I'm in a goddamn coma! If I could move I'd smack you! What are you laughing about now? When I get out of this coma then I'm gonna go and throw your face in the wall!
"...What are you getting mad for? I was just making sure you closed up all the way. Not pleasant, I'm sure but... Don't think I can't sense these things."
You think she knows I can't hear her voice? Okay, I can. I can catch bits and pieces of it. Sometimes I can catch whole sentences but it's usually just random words. I don't know what she's saying most of the time. I find being spoken to and not knowing what's being said to me annoying. Though I have to admit it has its benefits. You know, when I don't want to listen to all her political bullshit.
Except that's not what she usually talks about and I know by the look on her face. Maybe a couple of times she gave me her BS about Yomi's stupidity and Raizen's nearing death and what have you. But hell, if she really has to deal with eighteen plus hours of spilling that to everyone, anyone who would think her giving a speech about vomiting in a trash can would be something that brings tears just by being graced by "his"
(Ha)
presence
(I've sat through one speech and I'll admit that I was convinced and actually a little won over. I don't know what it was if it was how he (sic) said it or just how he can pull words together to sound persuasive. I'm sure Yomi or Raisen could do it if he wanted to. But the point is if anyone's well versed in the wonderful art of BS it's Mukuro.)
she must be pretty compelled to talk about anything else to someone who may or may not be aware that you're talking to them. But I really don't know what she's talking about. Some stupid story about what she did as a kid?
(Or not. Considering that dream I had involving her and her father. But it would also be just that- a dream. I try not to think about it. It would explain a lot but...)
Promises? Dreams? Nothing at all?
...Goddammit, how long is this fucking needle! How long has she had this thing in me? You know spiders use similar methods? They inject their fluids in their prey so they could just suck out their liquified innards... like a vampire if that also helps. I'm not an arachnid phobic or anything but I wouldn't want a doctor using a method that sucks out my innards. I mean, what does the doctor do with your bodily fluids when they're done testing them? Really! I still refuse to believe they need all five syringes to do all these tests. Go leech off someone else!
She starts to laugh at his discomfort and shakes her head at him. "You're a fool, Hiei. Really. It's for your own good."
What are you laughing at! Stupid bitch! This is a madhouse! Shit!
"...It's just a needle. It's not like I'm performing a live dissection on you. And don't ask what doctors do with all that blood. Now I'm intrigued. I'll let you know the answer to that one when you're recovered. Though I'm sure they just do multiple trials or donate it if they can." She looks back at the tank and sighs. "I've got you taken care of. Don't have much time left, you know. I've hot to get you back on your feet again soon." She runs a finger on her right temple and stares at the wall before getting ready to put him back. "And I'll be back to..."
She pauses and realizes something. "By the way, if you really can hear me and I hope you can this time, be prepared to be stared at like an animal in a zoo. When you get out people'll look at you and say that you're a living example of the greatness of my medical technology or whatever they call it to sound smart and politically sound. That and my military. Never hear enough about them. Don't know why they can't praise my other programs. Though I'm sure they'd find counter-arguments about my health system if they saw my face. I won't ever change it- like I said before- and if the naysayers think otherwise they can cry into their coffee all they want. It's their problem not mine. But that's not the point as you can see. Okay, my final word on the subject- aesthetics is to me as sight is to Yomi... Probably. If that still doesn't make any sense to you go buy yourself an encyclopedia."
Did I mention that she has scars? I don't know what made me think of that right now. That actually goes back to what I said at the beginning of this speech
(Or tirade or whatever fancy word you found in the thesaurus that you'd apply here without fully understanding it. The one who does is laughing at you in case you didn't notice by the way)
or thought process. Whatever this may be.
She has these scars that go down her body from the right side of her face to her right thigh. Apparently she has more due to other happenings but that's more than I care to know. I'm sure that some smart ass out there would think it was just fine to see considering the circumstances.
(I'm imagining some smart ass would say, "Of course you're fine with that! You got to see a naked woman! And you saw everything!")
Too bad I'm not into that at all. And I'm also not the type that peeks through windows in hopes of seeing women undress. I've got more dignity than that. I've also seen a few people get mauled after being caught in the act. And it's also not interesting at the moment. I have more important things to think about.
Apparently she poured acid on the right side of her body to get out of some long story I don't want to repeat. I won't blame her. I won't judge her. If I were her, I would've done the same thing but I would have done everything, anything to end it all there. And that's something she didn't do, which kind of pisses me off. But it's not my problem. No matter what she says, for whatever reason she refuses to let it go. Whether it's because she's unable to do so for whatever reason or not doesn't matter.
...If anyone asks, wants to ask, or just wants to hear it right now and settle any bets she's not that hard to look at otherwise. It doesn't mean anything so don't walk around thinking you know what's going to happen and start looking at me in a next they'll be married way. I honestly don't have too much judgement. That was about the average response, if you don't believe me. People used to think it was strange that I don't get hot over some girl who walks by and they take it as a bad sign. I have a pretty strange memory of someone thinking I was a freak for admitting that I never masturbated in my life. I really didn't care about that. I still don't. Like I said, I have better things to think about.
"...You're... Never mind. Bet you've been feeling down. You'd probably get out of here and get angry with me for bringing you back. I know you think that you've filled your purpose in life and I know you were perfectly fine with that would-be death just because you can't find something to fill that new space in you. Well, more so now that I've given you exactly what you had been spending half your life looking for. It you must- forgive me. For taking that purpose away from you. Just don't throw it all away.
"I wish we had met on different circumstances. I wish I could ease your pain just as I wish you could ease mine. If we had met on different circumstances I would do so only because I know your pain. I can feel your stress. I know exactly where it hurts. I'm sure you understand if you know what I'm saying. You haven't responded so I'm assuming you don't." She puts a hand on his cheek. "I wonder if that the only reason I find you so pleasant...? But does that actually matter? Don't I just have to accept that and not question it?"
My mother once touched me like that. I didn't know her as long as I should have
(Contrary to popular belief, most demons actually do spend their life with their parents like humans do. There's just some differences. Only minor ones.)
But I do remember what it felt like to be held, to be loved for less than a day, to be touched, even, by her. I have that same feeling now. I guess they call this feeling nostalgia. I know it's not homesickness. You can't be homesick when you have nothing to call your home and it's definitely not so when you have no desire or need to return to a place that could be called your home. Is there a word to describe what I'm feeling right now? Seriously?
I know it's not in the way a lover would do it, anyway. I just would know when it's meant to be taken that way. It's just the same feeling I got when my mother held me in the short amount of time she could.
I feel like I'm burning up. My head is spinning. My head feels like it's a balloon floating over the horizon.
I remember when I was a child, I had gotten a fever
(By the way, just because of my race doesn't mean I can't get a fever- it's a normal immune response. Koorime can also get colds. They have viruses, bacteria and other things like that and an immune system like the rest of us, you know.)
so bad that it actually felt like I was lit on fire. I could have sworn my face was so red it glowed in the dark. The bandits who took care of my just did some weird stuff to me. Poured buckets of water on me, put cool bricks and damp cloths on my face, and the one that would probably amuse the most people, put a bucket on my head- among other things. I do remember also ingesting a sketchy heard that left me vomiting the rest of the week.
(Though at the moment I wonder if they secretly hoped I would kick the bucket so they could fight over my mother's Hirui stone.)
When I had this fever, I was sweating so much I felt soaked
(More than the external forces had done to me, for the record)
I felt like I was internally baking
(Which is partially true considering that the only reason we have fevers is to fry whatever it was that made you sick in the first place)
And I shit you not, my skin was steaming
(Though if I were to step in cold enough water the effect would be the same)
And for a second- I won't lie to you, why would I when I have nothing to gain and nothing to lose by doing so- I
I was unliving but I wasn't dead. I was somewhere in between. I just wasn't in the parameters of reality... Or is reality an illusion? And I wonder if by going to sleep we're temporarily in reality and temporarily retreating from fantasy. Aren't we all delusional- some more than others?
(So does that mean the insane are more enlightened than we are?)
God my head is spinning. My head is spinning.
So on this particular time I had this fever
(What was it I had? Was it the flu? I know I ended up with pneumonia or is it ammonia? I'm having trouble remembering when I normally don't. What is this...? What...?)
for a moment I was unexisting. I was in unspace. I don't know what this is. I don't know how to describe it but for that moment of unexistence or as I was taken to unspace- it was a moment I was completely and utterly alone. I was nowhere and somewhere simultaneously.
(Schoeliner's cat?)
And when I came to reality (sic?) I had this feeling like I was floating away. But at strange as it was it was internal peace.
(Or is it eternal? External? Psychological? Mental? Cerebral?)
I felt like I was I floating away... For a moment I knew what it was like to be relaxed, to be someone who doesn't have twenty thoughts floating through their head in a constant storm- just waiting to be sorted, to be sifted, to be ignored. For that moment I understood what it was like to be unliving
(What's making me think of this?)
But when I realized it was all delusion I was stuck with my head spinning.
"When we were children, we all had fits of insanity, or what could be called insanity. It's just that some remain with it longer than others. What I mean is that we don't know the difference between reality and fantasy as children. We believe that sleep is dictated by the coming of the Sandman rather than chemicals like melatonin and we believe that there is a beast in our sleeping space only when the lights are out when we're alone. I remember when I was a young child I used to get up every morning unsure of whether I was dreaming. Everything was... unreal? I don't think that's what it was. I just often went around thinking everything was so surreal. There was a game I would sometimes play with myself. I would look at something- nothing with lines like a cartoon or anything like a photograph. It had to be something material. I would stare at it and wait until I got detached, you know, when it becomes strange. That surreal feeling. I used to do it quite often... When I was of no use at the moment. Funny because I'm unable to do that anymore. I'm sure that's a good thing. It's probably a sign or mental illness. I suppose someone would justify my insanity. Some over-sympathizer would. I can't go insane though. Not yet. Too many things to do and time's ticking away too fast so there's not enough time to go insane."
I wish you know how stupid you sound right now, Mukuro.
"Dark comedy isn't your style, I'm guessing, is it Hiei?" She gets him in the tank, hooks it up and watches as the liquid refills it. "You know if you move then it would show that you require less recovery time. It would make things easier on both of us..." She quickly glances away. "Sorry. Thought I saw something..."
I once saw something in the corner of my eye when I was a child too. Except I know it was there but I couldn't bring myself to look at it. Maybe it was something I
(Man?)
was not meant to see. I remember sensing its presence and not wanting to look but I knew that I really wanted to.
(You know what I mean? You know what I mean.)
I saw the shape of it in the corner of my eye. Some blackened shape, I think I was about to turn to it but it came closer and then I
(Oh God)
I saw it... I wake up in the middle of the night because of that image. I... I don't want to remember.
"Or maybe that was a dream too..." She shrugged. "I have to go. But before I do... Yes, I am aware that spiders use similar tactics."
...Damn her.
—
SUSPENDED ANIMATION
FINAL NOTES: Acually Hiei catches me as a guy who's asexual- not that he reproduces without having intercourse but that he's not really attracted to anyone, as in the polar opposite of bisexual. Though I doubt he knows too much about veins and its anatomy. He must have low blood pressure. I think he looks like it. I also made a reference to Stephanie Meyer, who reads like she uses a thesaurus. Sorry, I just can't enjoy her work. And that last speech that Mukuro talks about- the whole surreal game thing. I used to experience that. I also used to bathe and fear that I was really dreaming and that I was actually doing all that in front of my class. It's weird. I'm not like that anymore either. Let's be glad.
So could this be called a stream of consciousness? I always thought that no one thinks in a straight line. No matter what we do or how hard we try our thought often don't stay in a straight line. If you happen to have the need to prove me wrong Then by all means, write your every thought out. It wouldn't replicate the freeness of your mind, though. Reviews are appreciated. Thanks for your time.
I suppose Upon Awakening could be something of a sequel to this. Thanks for your time.