The song that Roderich quotes towards the end is from Johnny Cash's "Big River"
-/-/-/-
The restaurant was fancy, elegant and expensive and everything he dreamed it would be. Business was slow at first, but that was to be expected, he was sure that he could earn his reputation here by the lake. The gaudy "now hiring" sign would soon come down, and after years of culinary school behind him, he was ready for a fresh and successful start. He opens with the autumn, on a lakeside in a populated town full of tourists and critics. But he's confident.
But no restaurant was complete without sophisticated music to create an atmosphere, and so he began to search. It was only a stroke of luck that landed him a pianist, more than he asked for or could ever dream of, great timing and a simple twist of fate and Gilbert is satisfied.
And suddenly the looming future doesn't seem so dark and oppressing as his restaurant gains attention and he even starts to get some popularity and attention by the media.
He has a cute Italian duo in the kitchen and a quiet transfer student from Canada all working as line cooks. Bella is the sommelier, and far off in a secluded part of the restaurant works Francis, as a part-time bartender, Lars taking over his shift from time to time. Energetic Alfred and soft-spoken Heracles are the pastry chefs.
There's grumpy but thorough Vash, who's earned his place as the one of the two suos chef, the other being the loud and enthusiastic Matthias from Denmark. There's his friend Antonio as Executive Chef, neat and quick Prep cook Natalia, and all is well in the kitchen.
Dainty little Lilli and serious Arthur, along with two brothers from the Baltic region waiting on customers, though he might need to hire more as business picks up. Kiku Honda, Im Yong Soo, and their brother Gin are the stock boys.
He along with his brother own the restaurant, and they switch shifts every few days, he'll take a night and Ludwig will have the other (and stay suspiciously close to the kitchen).
Feliks wash dishes, (and that's when he shows up), but his time is running out, the chain is only as strong as its weakest link after all. Raivis is his other dishwasher, diligent and hardworking and easily the most important part of his functioning restaurant.
Yes, he broke out the old contacts and called everyone he knew, reached out into all corners of his world and dragged back all the people he's met that might help him get his business off the ground. They've called all of their friends and referred their nieces and nephews and now his dreams are becoming a reality.
His restaurant will be a success, he can tell, he has all his old acquaintances that he's collected along the way. It's a huge, colorful multicultural mess and it's his restaurant (and Ludwig's, but mostly his,) And he likes it that way.
And then there's Roderich.
Gilbert doesn't know where he stands with Roderich. The man is quiet and reserved and respectful and boring. He speaks only when spoken to, in short, clipped answers, comes in on time, plays from song to song, and then leaves as soon as he appears with a nod and then he's gone.
Gilbert doesn't know where he goes, he walks down the road and disappears around the corner and that's it. He walks to work and walks home and Gilbert wants to know why, what's a handsome, talented guy like you doing working for me? You could be great; you have so much potential, why are you here?
But Gilbert says nothing and Roderich says nothing and they are silent and perfectly unhappy.
-/-/-/-
Gilbert notices that sometimes, when everyone's packing up for the day, Natalia finishes early and stands by Roderich. She just stares; Gilbert doesn't question it, just watches, until one day Roderich gives a nod. The next day she is back with a violin and they play together at the end of the day, together they make art, together they play.
It's a pity that she's the prep cook because the music they make is stunning and Gilbert wants to share it with everyone, but they stay on their sides of the restaurant when the customers are about.
After their work is done, that boundary is crossed and the whining of the violin and the liquid sound of fingers on ivory keys crawl up a steady crescendo to end the day and Gilbert wants to say he's happy but mostly he's just mystified.
He should know what's happening in his restaurant but everything is unfolding in ways he couldn't imagine. They play slow and they play fast, staggering fortissimos and shivering vibratos and everything in between.
Everyone watches from the corner of their eyes and listens through the clang of pots and pans and plates being put away and Gilbert wonders what he did to deserve this beautiful masterpiece.
-/-/-/-
Then there's a big scary heath inspector with a scarf, but Ludwig's on duty that day so Gilbert is left to his own devices, left alone to worry and now his fingernails are little stubs and everything better be in order because that's his dreams his future his livelihood. It's all on the line and pleasepleaseplease he needs this to all be okay because what is he without his restaurant?
But it passes without a hitch and Ludwig calls him melodramatic because obviously he's not as invested with this this business as he is.
Roderich grins at him as he returns to work the next day and Gilbert knows, just knows that Roderich is in tune to his feelings more than he lets in on. Always listening through the haze of Mozart and Chopin, always tasting the air and Gilbert wonders how someone could know him so well when they haven't said more than three words to each other.
-/-/-/-
A critic says his restaurant has charisma, and Gilbert is ecstatic, he cuts it out of the magazine and brings it into work the next day and hangs it by the rest of his reviews near the soup of the day. His employees notice because they know it makes Gilbert happy but Roderich is silent.
Gilbert may or may not have hinted at his achievement in which Roderich gives him an "hmmm" and a glance because he's trying to prepare his music and shouldn't Gilbert have something to do? He takes the hint and waltzes over to supervise Francis that instead.
As he closes shop he locks the door and finds his car in the now empty parking lot, he sees a figure by the lake, standing by the shore and looking up at the moon over the shimmering water. The black water sweeps across the shore with little foamy hands only to withdraw a moment later. It is a haunting fragile ambedo.
Although he wants to know who in their right mind is out here by the water and not in their warm bed at a time like this, he feels he shouldn't intervene and is about to mind his own business when his curiosity spikes and his feet lead him closer to the shore. Upon further inspection, it appears that the stranger is none other than Roderich, the revelation baffles him and as the man in question turns to look at him all inquiries die up on his tongue and he just stares.
Roderich's eyes are dark, his brows furrowed and his mouth sharply dipped into a scowl, his hands are fisted and his shoulders are shaking, he looks like he wants to cry and scream and break things. It astounds him and although he knows this isn't right, he has to wonder what happened to snap him like that. What was the last push, the final straw, the feather that broke the camel's bank?
"Are you alright?" He asks quietly, eyes big and earnest and every bit as terrified as he feels when Roderich starts to glare. The pianist swiftly turns to leave and Gilbert needs to speak and ask and know, but Roderich is disappearing along the coastline and taking his answers along with him and he's alone with his questions.
No, come back, he wants to shout after him into the dark and not care about who he wakes, Tell me what's wrong, tell me what you're thinking, tell me everything!
But as his mind is overloaded with confusion and the need to know more, his voice returns and his chance is gone, he'll never get it back. Who are you? He wants to ask, who have you been? Why are you here? You could be amazing, you could have everything you ever wanted with a talent like that, so what's stopping you?
The sigh of the wind does not answer his question, the breathing of the lake does nothing to soothe him, the night is silent and dead, silver and cold and the water gives him no answers.
-/-/-/-
Thanksgiving passes in a breeze of rush of red and orange and gold, he gets a lot of business and a lot of tips and he's happy and his customers are happy and all is right in his corner of the universe.
Except for one thing.
He's chatting with some of his customers on their way out because he likes to make good impressions and be friendly, and he catches Roderich staring at him, but he breaks contact almost immediately and launches into some complicated tune, notes spilling into the air at a furious pace, eyebrows furrowed and hands flying and Gilbert and the couple next to him stop to take a look and wonder where this sudden vigor came from.
He doesn't understand how the artist works, how he thinks, why he lets music dictate his life like that. He supposes that music and emotions go hand in hand, but the musician's motives are an intricate design that he won't even begin to think about unraveling. He doesn't know, and he never will, but that man is certainly a mystery and Gilbert is curious.
So he sets out to work his way into Roderich's lifestyle, discovered what his values are and how he thinks because Gilbert is confident that he can befriend anyone.
-/-/-/-
Day one of Project Roderich is uneventful, because he's busy with Antonio conversing over Lovino's mouth. Lovino is loud and disruptive and he's been receiving complaints by those unfortunate enough to be seated near the kitchen.
He knows Antonio tries but he also knows Antonio has a soft spot for Lovino and isn't strict enough with him. The feisty Italian needs to get his act together, or ship out. As for Antonio, he needs to keep his priorities in the kitchen and keeping it running smoothly, orderly and keep his affections outside where he can dote on the Italian all he wants on his own time.
He keeps a close eye on them and Lovino is still cursing but quieter now. He guesses it's an improvement but promises to keep a close eye in case Antonio gets sloppy and plays favorites.
And then there's poor Raivis who gets more than his fair share of dishes and suggests maybe hiring more hands or doing something about lazy Feliks. Gilbert knew this couldn't go unchecked for long and promises to talk to him soon.
The chat with Feliks is infuriating because the guy just doesn't seem to see the problem. Yes, you did sign up for this. He doesn't seem dedicated to the commitment and the fact that the kitchen works like clockwork, like a well-oiled machine, and it can't function efficiently when one of the most important links are missing. Raivis can't do the work for both of them. The holidays are coming up and they need him here. They need to be the priority; if you shirk, you might as well just leave because they've let this go on long enough, too long.
Feliks is yelling and he's trying not to, he massages the bridge of his nose and decides that he's due for a massage, (Which are very manly, thank you very much). He calmly states that this there shouldn't be anything more important than this, why did you apply for this job if you had better things to do?
Feliks quits.
He keeps Ludwig up until three o'clock ranting about "Who does he think he is?" and "I'm the manager! Me!" Ludwig is a good brother and doesn't interrupt and goes to bed late because of him, so Gilbert turns of his little brother's alarm clock and decides to take his shift tomorrow because Ludwig puts up with him and because of him, he deserves to sleep late, if nothing else. Hopefully he'll actually sleep until noon like he's supposed to and his cursed internal clock won't wake him up too early and ruin the surprise.
-/-/-/-
Day two of Project Roderich is put on hold because his attention is needed in the kitchen a little bit more nowadays, because Antonio is getting a little soft and needs to rule the kitchen with an iron fist. This is not a democracy, get working or get out. He notices the waiters and waitresses getting flustered, so about a week later Katyusha Braginskaya and Tino Väinämöinen are added to the list of employees.
And then he finds Emil Steilsson to wash dishes with Raivis, and the temporary hiccup is resolved and Gilbert breathes a sign of relief as everything starts to work smoothly once more.
Christmas is around the corner and although he isn't very religious, he places a plastic white tree in the corner along with a menorah and all the other religious symbols he can think of, with the help of his foreign staff members, of course. Everyone gets into the holiday spirit, except for one.
He wander's by Roderich's side of the restaurant as he coaxes music out of the pale ivory keys, absorbed in his song and watches as his fingers dance over the keys and putter to a stop, letting the silence ring in the air, as if to pay tribute to the complex string of notes they had just witnessed. As he shifts through his sheets, Gilbert leans over and speaks in a hushed tone.
"Don't you know any happy songs?" he whispers.
Roderich visibly bristles, as if offended. "Do you not like the songs I choose?"
"No!" Gilbert rapidly assures him, "I thought you could do something holiday-oriented for the people though."
Roderich sighs and pours into Carol of the Bells. Obviously, the musician doesn't take well to direction although he complies, and Gilbert supposes it's an improvement because this is the first conversation they've had since the job interview.
Roderich leaves earlier than normal, leaving Natalia without a partner for the day. She later hands him a note, cryptic scribbles addressed to him.
I don't deserve happy songs.
And Gilbert can only wonder.
-/-/-/-
Ludwig complains that Gilbert is running himself into the ground because he's always taking Ludwig's shifts and staying overtime, and that he needs to take it easy. Gilbert listens and sips his second cup of coffee and says nothing because he knows it's true.
But he is a part of the restaurant and the restaurant is a part of him, it's full of amazing people that work for him and make his dreams come true, it's full of new customers to meet and a brooding piano man to try and understand. It's what he agreed to when he opened it, he's married to it now.
Ludwig just sighs when he tries to explain this and Gilbert then realizes that he and his brother are on two different levels of dedication to this restaurant. He'll have to work around it, Gilbert is in it because he wants to be, Ludwig because he has to.
-/-/-/-
Gilbert doesn't have a strict dress code, he requires the usual, but he's lenient, if the employee would rather wear red then white, that's fine, and if his bow is different, than that's fine too. Just as long as he gets no complaints, then they can bend the rules sometimes. Ludwig is different, but his little brother has always been more strict.
Roderich always dresses in black, from head to toe. Gilbert never sees him when he's not at work, so he has no idea if the guy actually has colorful clothes. It seems to match his dark disposition.
"You look like you're going to a funeral", Gilbert tells him one afternoon, trying to strike up a conversation. Roderich stares at the carpeted floor and shrugs.
"Maybe I am." He mutters.
Roderich is a strange man.
Alfred later tells him that Roderich was quoting a line from the movie Walk the Line, which is apparently about some American singer named Johnny Cash. Alfred raved about that movie for ten minutes and then ran off to find Roderich so they could chat about it together.
-/-/-/-
His last talk with Roderich was by the water. It's fitting, now that he thinks about it. He's a little early that day, (a lot actually) and is somewhat surprised to find Roderich standing by the shore, when he's not due for at least another thirty minutes or so.
He sits on one of the bigger rocks by the shore, carefully perched as not to get dust and sand on his clothes, he regards the pianist with curious eyes, and Roderich does not acknowledge his presence from where he stands, hunched over the water. Gilbert moves to stand by Roderich.
Then he notices the flowers in the water. He watches silently as Roderich lets a white tulip fall from his hand. They both stare at it as it bobs in the waves. There's the barking of a dog in the background, and the occasional purr of a car motor, but everything is hushed.
"White tulips represent forgiveness," Roderich murmurs, not making eye contact, their figures shiver in the ripples of the lake.
"Peonies are for healing," Roderich continues, bowing his head as he shoved his hands in his pockets. "And Heather stands for solitude"
Gilbert nods, although he doesn't understand, "I see," he muses, "What's your story?"
"I had a wife once." He begins, his eyes far away, his voice guarded. "We were going to have a future together; I thought we were going to be happy."
Roderich sighs again, "Six years ago today, she killed herself. Drowned herself in the river"
Gilbert's alarm spikes and he sharply turns to look at him "Why?" His eyes are wide.
The brooding man shook his head and disregarded his question. "Looking back, I can see all of the signs that I had blatantly ignored, I can hear her silent pleas for help, I can see her reaching out to me, but I was blind back then, I lived for my music and not for her. I was selfish."
Roderich takes a step down the shoreline, clenches his fist and continues in the same low tone, so slight that his words are nothing more than a mere breath, and Gilbert has to strain to catch it.
"I think she felt trapped, when I met her, she was wild and free, and I had unconsciously tried to make her into a proper lady, something she didn't want to be. She didn't want to lose herself, her identity, I was taking it all from her, so she took her life into her own hands."
Roderich returns to Gilbert's side, gazing into the deep indigo where the flowers once floated.
"I was such a fool back then." He drags out his voice until it is nothing short of a moan. "Tulips because I was selfish, tulips because I understand now, why she did that, tulips because I'm sorry and I didn't mean to shut her out of my life."
"I filled my days with music until there was no room for anyone else." He sighed, "Heather because I cut her off from her old life, placed her in a house and told her to behave. I wasn't a husband, I was a man that paid the bills and walked into the living room sometimes. Heather because I'm alone now and maybe it was meant to be that way because I didn't deserve her and now she's gone."
The silence hangs in the air, yes, definitely a troubled man, Gilbert supposes, watching him with sorrowful, pitying eyes. The voice of the lake is muted under the bleeding white clouds, too little light to throw shadow upon the land.
"What was she like?" Gilbert asks, because he is honestly curious.
"She was the very essence of beauty," Roderich sighs, "Her hair was long and honey-colored, her eyes were green and sparkling, but last I remember they looked dead. She always had a flower in her hair, and her laugh was fluid and contagious, her laughter faded first, I can't remember what it sounded like. Her name was Elizaveta and her smile made it worth waking up in the morning, in the beginning."
The lake exhales and to Gilbert's surprise, Roderich begins to sing. He starts slowly and in a low, mourning tone.
"And the tears that I cried for that woman are gonna flood you Big River. Then I'm gonna sit right here until I die."
"Do you understand that?" Roderich asks, it is a rhetorical question, he leaves room for no answers and Gilbert can offer none. "My broken story is now told, are you happy now? It's one final violation, I couldn't even keep her story to myself, I couldn't let her rest in peace when I tell someone, it's just an irreversible measure of my failing, my silence was my only memorial my only contribution, my one act of retribution."
Roderich's voice continues to climb, louder and louder, "My silence has become my life and my life is now nothing more than the dedication to the memory of desecration." His voice cracks and he cuts himself off, looking down.
"I stay by the water because I need to remember, I need to carry this with me for the rest of my life. What I did is unforgivable; I tried to control her… I drove her to that point where she would do anything to escape..."
He swallows abruptly, and Gilbert notices that his eyes are glistening with his regret. "The water needs to remind me how I took everything for granted, that no amount of music could fill the void that only the companionship of another person can fill."
It seems that the tortured, weathered man of music is falling apart at the seams, as if all of his remorse and guilt is pulling him in two different directions and he is barely standing on his own. If Gilbert were someone else, if Roderich was anyone else, if this was a different time and a different place and a different everything, Gilbert would have at least attempted to console Roderich. He knows the man believes that he is undeserving of it, and Gilbert can respect that, but all he really needs is a hug and an-
"It's alright. It's all going to be alright. Life will go on, you'll see her again and she'll understand."
He doesn't realize that he had spoken aloud until Roderich turns to face him, tears are ribboning down his cheek, and he makes no move to wipe them away.
"No, you don't understand." Roderich speaks slowly, as if attempting to communicate with a foreigner or a young child. "It's not going to be alright, as long as I live with this flaw on my conscious, it will never be alright."
"You'll have to let her go sometime…" Gilbert is aware that he is saying all of the wrong things to a depressed man, but he's never been in a situation like this before, he hurries to correct his blunder. "I mean, respect her decision, but your memories can't keep her here, and they won't make her live. She chose that end for herself, and in order to let her rest in peace, you'll have to learn from your mistakes, take what you have left and put your energy into the people that are living, the people that are still alive and around you. She would want that. That's why she chose to teach you that lesson the hard way."
"I couldn't just start again." Roderich argues adamantly, "That would be life letting what's left of her slip through my fingers-"
"You've done your grieving." He states gently, "Six years of it. Let her go."
"I can't" Roderich takes off his glasses and wipes his eyes, "I can't. I can't."
"Remember when you were happy together, in the beginning of your marriage; remember why you fell in love, why she agreed to marry you." Gilbert prompts, "Those memories will be the ones you want to remember, she loved you, but she couldn't make you see it."
"Thank you." Roderich says as he starts to leave "But I can't do that. I can't keep my happiness alive through her memory, I wouldn't dare to stain it with my insolence, how dare I be happy when she never was? How dare I go on living when she couldn't? Why wasn't I there for her?"
Gilbert has no answer for those questions. Roderich walk away and Gilbert realizes that the other employees are pooling at the door. He walks slowly to unlock it for them. He wishes that he didn't get to hear Roderich story. He feels like a lesser, more innocent part of him had died. He feels like he can't look at Roderich anymore without thinking of what he said.
He keeps his misery alive through the music and his days by the shore. Gilbert can do nothing to change that. He knows that now.
-/-/-/-
Are you happy now?
Helpless, that's what he feels. The days are long and even as his restaurant is thriving in all of its glory, he can't seem to forget those miserable words by the lakeside. His restaurant is still elegant and expensive and everything he dreamed it would be, everything is still working smoothly, and Gilbert should be happy, and he is. But each glance compels him to help a lost cause, revive a hope he knows is dead, and Gilbert will leave him with his suffering, if that's what he wants.
Curiosity did kill the cat, after all.
Project Roderich is a duly noted sucess. He's definitely a troubled man, and Gilbert wishes he knew how to change that, but he doesn't. He wishes that Roderich could find it in him to accept the past for what it was an attempt to change who he is now because of those past events, but that's not up to him. Roderich will live with his misery, and ignore Gilbert's attempt to reach him, his attempt to save him from his brooding, and Roderich will ignore him.
Roderich will be lost, much like he had lost his wife before.
It's a never-ending cycle, and there's nothing he can do. He'll run his restaurant and one day when he looks, the piano man will be gone. His seat vacant and he might even fade from Gilbert's memory like he never even existed, like he never even mattered. He'll blink and it will be over, just like that.
Gilbert isn't sure how he feels about this. The days are getting colder, and with it, Roderich sinks farther away from him. He fears there's nothing he can do; Roderich has decided his fate for himself. He doesn't like it, but what can he do?
And in the end, he does nothing. And in the end, that is his main regret.