Melancholy

I am an empty shell, I feel just like 'one of the rest' with nothing special to mark me as unique, or as an individual. I shy away from revealing myself and my relationships with anyone, even if that one is involved in the relation. I do not wallow in self pity, but fall in insecurity about who I am and what my purpose is. I have not one single person alive to tell these thoughts to, so I write them here, to be an eternal memento to the nature of myself. I am starting to wonder, from the insights into other people that I have, if I am the only one to think the above.

I stated before that I am not an individual, I feel as if I am a clone of others, with random bits of other people forging who I am. If I am not an individual then I must not be alone in these thoughts. There are others out there who share my thoughts, but true to our form have concealed our true selves and created a whole new identity over the top of our concealment. There are none too many people in the world that have pierced this false image, I count one as so far. To protect myself from this happening again, unconsciously I have shut down my relations so that there will be almost no contact with others to my true self. These thoughts are depressing, but necessary so that I do not fail myself in convincing to fool everyone all the time about my true identity. Some have come close to unmasking me, but only to their selves, none have tried publicly.

I suppose that with this one person with whom I could of shared these thoughts I have closed off too, none of our in-depth conversations upon any topic happen now. I grow tire of being alone, I long to divulge my secrets to another, but after years of concealment, I am unsure if I am able to.

Old habits die hard.

This is a revelation I have just had while writing this down, as I have not consciously known that I close myself to other people for long, a little over 6 years at the most. I see others trying to mask their emotions from others and I almost cry, why mask what is a natural response? I do not remember what triggered me to start my masking of my soul, but I do remember what triggered my realisation that I mask myself to the world. It was being told, that I was changing, and for the infinitely worse. This hurt me, but I never admitted it, except for one time where I broke down my fort and let one of the few people I consider a friend, see the real me. I do not think they liked what they saw. They thought me perfect, embodying all those traits which are held high by human society.

I did not think myself worthy of this, but, as they see me like this a realisation came to me that now I cannot change. I now feel like I am a caged animal, no not an animal, as I feel and think like a human, but as a human bound in a room of glass, with no voice or movement within me. This was hard to admit to myself and I think that I do not fully accept that I am destined to miss out on life's finer pleasures of being comforted like a little child. I wish the old life that I had, when I was very young with no one bar my mother and father to see me as I really was.

Even these words on this page are lacking substance, I do not give them my full backing, as I have never given myself full support in anything I do. I am a coward, even more so that other people as I do not have faith in myself.

I am cynical of nearly everything at heart, yet forever the optimist people see in me. I think I convinced everyone so completely that this façade was me, that I started to believe myself and my acting. I hear you say, then are you sure you are not who you say you are? I am sure, as I have been helped along the path to discovery of this fact by several people who I am sure have never collaborated as a team and probably, unless there lives where threatened would never act together in a functioning unit.

I wish on whatever lies out there that I find where I belong, where I can be myself. There is no self honour in this pretence.

I wish to standout from the rest, be unique, be different.

This has dangers in itself wishing, as I do not know on what I wish or the price I will be required to pay. And there will be a price, I feel it within me. I consider this a warning, to me not to go beyond my depth. I cannot heed this warning as I do not know myself and therefore do not know my limitations, or strengths.

I do not know me.

I sometime feel jealous that my friends can feel love, can feel and express their emotions. I never have been able to, although I have tried. The one try just succeeded in my becoming laughed at, and ridiculed. I also feel true sorrow, although I do not express it in the normal terms, that my friends, all but one, do not recognise that I am hiding behind a projection of my false self. They think that they know nearly almost everything about me, but this is a lie, as they only know what I want them to know. They know of my past, my thoughts for the future, my thoughts on different matters, but I do not think they know the true importants. They may know my thoughts, but do they know my feelings, do they know me? Have I let them?

I think from all but the first meeting I have erected a barrier about myself, to preserve and protect me. I think I am sad to have to of resorted to doing this but to face them alone, would be suicide, or rather dancing with death. This is what many things come down to, who has the edge enough to hold the predators at bay. They may laugh with you but then talk and scandal about you when you turn, no matter how long you are gone. As of now I have just overheard someone who did not know that I was here talk about me, they called me a recluse. True it is, because I can not let anyone know myself, my true self I have closed from everyone and turned the persistent ones away. I prefer solitude to talk, but I am the only one who knows it. When I am surrounded by people I am in my element, but as an intelligent person, if I can give myself that title knowing what I am, one has to adapt to their surroundings or else lose out to them. Many people would disagree at face value so as not to admit that they are that intent on the game, but I know under their surfaces they would agree. The game of course is life, not so primitive as it was years ago, but still a win or lose situation. Before my time win or lose would simply be seen as life or death, but in this age there be a little more refinement. This saddens me, to know that my people, the ones I should belong with, can not rise above this judgement but require it even more now that they could be rid of it. This is the same the world over, the people elect to stay with tradition so therefore advance the game into a higher state where more is at risk, where everything could be lost.

Tradition always was the victor, even over sensibility.

I wish I had loud enough a voice within the crowd so that I could be listened to instead of trampled on, as people rush to climb higher in the game of life. The more the stakes are raised, the more people rush to raise the risk even more. Soon many people will lose out completely and be left with nothing but their selves may be less than their selves, and no one will care.

I wish to change the world into one where the people know no course like that, while some of the followers may still care, enough of them so that the follow of the crowd can be stopped. This is the ultimate dilemma of humans, who as life gets easier must complicate the running even more. Soon people may be lost within the rules of the game and no one will be able to notice let alone care.

I wish that this not be the case, but this be how the future look to be, based on current events, I hope one of the many fools in power realise what I have, and make a stand on what they believe in. I now know the basis of me, I am playing the game, just like everyone else. My forte is building the barriers which will protect me in my inevitable fall from the game, where as at some point I may be able to force my self to stop and consider my options.

I hope by then I am strong enough to make a stand, for whatever I believe in then. And if I not be successful in this gamble of life then I will hope to be strong enough to walk away from the game, and concern my life in other matters. Why, I hear you asking, why not just walk away from the game now? My answer is this;

Some choices are harder to make than others.