Title: Crossover Hell: The X-File Bunch
Authors: Scully3776 and Spookykat
Rating: PG-13
Subject: Here's the story of a man named Mulder
Spoilers: S9 (only minor)
Keywords: Snark, Crossover, Slash (KSR),
Carterbash (can we make that a new category if it
isn't already one?), Meepy/Meepmork, LGM, CSM, Reyes,
Bradford Follmer, MSR, Doggett
DISCLAIMER: To the people behind the Brady Bunch:
thank-you for a show that's so easy to parody. FOX
Network and 1013, if you give us Mr. Carter's
characters, Agents Dana Scully, Monica Reyes, John
Doggett, and AD's Bradford Follmer, Walter Skinner,
Fox Mulder, CSM, Krycek, Ringo Langley, John Byers,
Melvin Frohike, Meepy/Meepmork (AKA William ) and whoever you decide to name Lucy
Lawless' character for about an hour, we promise we'll
get you to S10. David Duchovny, Gillian Anderson,
Robert Patrick, Annabeth Gish, Chris Carter, Mark
Snow, Carey Elwes, and Frank Spotnitz, let us put it
to you simply: This penniless pair loves your work.
Please take this piece of insanity with the humor that
it is intended.
(The melodious sound of people singing out of tune)
Here's a story of a man named Mulder
who was busy with three gunmen of his own
they were bored men
living altogether
they were all alone
Here's a story of a skeptic lady
Who was busy raising a Meepmork all alone
He had red hair just like his mother
Which he liked to wear in curls...
Meepy (singing) Oh I feel pretty, oh so pretty! I feel
pretty and witty and g-
Langly: Wrong show, dumbass...
So the one day when this lady met this fellow/And they
knew it was much more
than a hunch...
Scully (interrupting) Although we followed this hunch up
with scientific, rational thought...
**Cue the sounds of groaning**
So this crew became a.... a..... um..... Searchers for
little green men....
Mulder interjecting: They're gray!
Frohike: Shut up!!!
Anyways that's how the became the X-File Bunch!!!!
The X-File Bunch!
The X-File Bunch!
That's the way
We became the X-File Bunch!!
[We find ourselves in a cozy house that was trendy in
the 70's]
Meepy: (banging on the bathroom door) Langly! You better
let me in there Langly! Lemme in there or my bat will
meet your laptops! Laaaaaaangly!
Scully: (Coming up the stairs) Meepy, honey, what's all
the fussing
Meepy: Mommy, I hafta use the bathroom REEEEEEEEEEEAlly
bad and Langly won't let me in.
Scully: Meepy, Langly is a grown man...there are certain
things that grown men need to do in bathrooms.
Meepy: But Mommy, he doesn't take a shower...he doesn't
brush his hair...
Scully: You'll understand when you're older dear.
Meepy: I can read your thoughts, Mommy. I understand
NOW!
Scully raises a questioning eyebrow
Meepy: Frohike let me watch HBO with him last night.
Scully: Meepy...your Daddy and I will have a long talk
with Frohike when he
comes home. You just have to be patient and wait. This
house has four grown men
living in it and only one bathroom. Six kids did it
before us.
Meepy: Six kids did it?! In here?!?! Eeeeeeeeeew that's
DISGUSTING!!
[Scully raises her infamous eyebrow at him in reply]
Scully: I'm going to see if Skinner needs anything from
the grocery store. When I get back, I want to hear all
about how you and Langly worked out bathroom privileges
[she goes downstairs to the kitchen]
Skinner: [on the phone] Well, make it happen!
Scully: Oh, glad to see the maid's uniform that was left
here fits you so nicely!
Skinner: It doesn't make me look fat?
Scully: [lying] no, blue's your color! Do you need
anything from the store?
Skinner: No, thank you Dr. Scully. I went with my friend
down the street, Marita Corruvabias...you know they just
got a new dog, Queequeg...anyway, I went to the store
with her today and the butcher there...Krycek...cut me a
nice slice of uh...meat...today."
Scully: He did?
Skinner: [nodding] uh huh he's taking me to lunch on
Saturday. He's only got one arm, but other than that,
he's just dreamy.
Meepy: [comming down the stairs] Skinner, have you seen
Doggett around lately? I can't find him anywhere?
Skinner: Oh, Meepy, I'm sure he'll show up. He might be
chasing Monica again. Have a homemade chocolate chip
cookie.
Monica: Meow!
Scully: Well, there blows THAT theory
Mulder: (in his characteristic monotone) Honey, I'm
home!
Scully: Oh Mulder! (Scully scampers to the living room
to meet her man with Skinner in tow)
Mulder: How was your day honey?
Scully: Oh Mulder, you need to talk to the kids. Meepy
and Langly are fighting over the bathroom again and we
can't find Doggett!
Mulder: Fucking dog. Should have shot him when I had the
chance.
Scully: (whispering a la Gillian Anderson) **David, stay
in character, that's not how Mike Brady would talk**
Mulder: (whispering as well) Gillian, I don't give a
rat's ass about how Mike Brady would handle this, this
entire script is asinine. I am not getting paid for what
I'm worth and if Carter even THINKS he's going to whore
this show off to FX as well, I'm going to stick this
script of his up where the sun doesn't shine (shakes
script book in the air furiously)
GA: (fuming now) Well David, if YOU hadn't left the REAL
X-Files to pursue a crappy film career, the show
wouldn't have been cancelled mid-season and we
wouldn't be have been farmed out to TV Land and stuck in
this virtual re-run crossover hell and I'd still have my
nice trailer-
Duchovny: Oh, fine, Gillian, blame ME for the crappy
scripts 1013 cranked out for Season Eight!!! Go ahead!
You can kiss my big white as-
Skinner: (clearing his throat discreetly) Um... guys? We
ARE being watched you know. (points to the audience)
Mulder and Scully look out into the audience, look at
each other, put their arms around eachother and plaster
fake smiles on their faces.
Duchovny: (whispering furiously) I'm only doing this
because I have Tea and West
to worry about.
Anderson: (whispering back) And Piper needs a new pair
of shoes, so let's pretend to lurve each other like the
fans want us to because (mimicking Mulder's last line in
"Existence") "It's the truth we both know."
Duchovny: God damn shippers. (back as Mulder)All right,
Scully, I'll have a talk with the kids, but after I
announce my big news!
Scully: Oh Mulder, I can hardly wait!!!
Skinner: (examining himself in the mirror) This blue
dress DOES make me look fat!!! (shakes his fist towards
heaven) DAMN YOU CARTER!! DAMN YOU TO HELL!!!
[In the bedroom]
Scully: [As Gillian Anderson] Mulder! It's always
Mulder! Mulder! Mulder! Mulder! The whole show is about
Mulder's SISTER, about Mulder's ABDUCTION... Scully's
sister dies and gets all of two episodes...Scully gets
abducted for half a season and David gets Nic Lea to
work with...what do I get? The bad guy from T2!!
[Mulder comes in to change his things] Gillian, they're
watching.
Scully: Your the one who didn't want to be type
casted...now look at you, you're stuck in dumb sci-fi
rolls.
Mulder: Oh...like anybody wanted to watch some dumb
chickflick not even on cable.
Scully: Did anybody come see your dumb Evolution movie?
I don't THINK so.
Mulder: [pouting] Tea and West did!!
Scully: You let a 2 year old see a PG-13 movie?! Maybe
next time you could take her to the porn section with
you.
Mulder: Gillian, they're watching.
Scully: Oh...yeah...um...so Mulder, care to fill us in
on the big news?
Mulder: We're going to Hawaii! I have to go out there
for a case, and Kersh invited us all out there. The
Cunningham family out in Millwauke is missing
their son Chuck.
Scully: Aloha.
Mulder: Not so fast, Scully...I'm not so sure this is a
good idea Scully: Why not, Mulder? It's summer vacation
for Meepy.
Mulder: Well...my new client, Diana, is coming with us.
Scully: Diana? The bitch is back?
Mulder: She sorta has to, she's my client. Gillian, just
be happy the fans are
ok with you leaving.
Scully: [As Gillian, pouting] They like you better than
me!
Mulder: [As David] Meanwhile, I'll be reduced to
infomercials if we don't get our asses in character...so
put up or shut up.
Meepy: [whispering] I see dead people
Langly: Wrong movie again, dipshit. Kid actors!
Frohike: The only good thing that ever came from a kid
actor was Backdraft.
Meepy: The Grinch Who Stole Christmas was pretty cool.
Frohike: Alright. I'll give ya that.
Scully: [coming down the stairs, grinning] Infomercials,
David! Infomercials!
Mulder: [Following her, also grinning] Pokemon shoes,
Gillian! Pokemon shoes!
Meepy: [shouting, arms flung open] I'm KING OF THE
WORLD!!
Chris Carter: [coming out in front of the camera,
shaking his script angrily] Kid, who's your agent?! Do
you realize how many Goddamn copyright suits I'm gonna
get if you keep this up! [glares at Mulder]My ass has
too much bitten out of it to spare another lawsuit.
[doorbell rings]
Skinner: [casually giving Carter the bird as he walks
past] I'll get it
Mulder: Spender?! I thought you were dead.
Spender: Evil doesn't die [glaring at Carter] see,
nobody likes cryptic shit. Mulder, I am your father.
Mulder: Gee...that's original.
Scully: *cough* Infomercials! *cough
Spender: You want the truth, YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE
TRUTH!!!
Frohike: [mumbling] ixnay on the icholsonay
Spender: [looking disappointed] Aw, but I was having fun
Frohike: You make me wanna be a better man.
Carter: Damn...wish I couldda come up with something
like that instead of that
touchstone crap.
All: So do we!
Chris Carter: [to Mark Snow] No, we can't use that song,
my attorney said we might get sued, no...that one's
gotta go too.
SNOW: The x-files theme?!? So what do we play instead?
Chris Carter: God Bless America...there's irony in that
song and my show, don't you think?
Frank Spotnitz: [to CC] The same lawyer that defended
you when David sued?
Chris Carter: You've got a point. Somebody get me the
yellow pages and look under the legal section!
Spotnitz: Your story ideas?!?
Chris Carter: [ignoring Spotnitz] [to Meepy] Kid, since
it's a weekend, and you're not a part of the actors'
union, we'll keep you on for a season. Then you'll
die...got it?
[Meepy only nods in response, and everybody moves
magically into position for a dinner scene]
Scully: [As Gillian] Got continuity?
Mulder: [trying not to laugh] Well gang, looks like
we're going to Hawaii for the summer.
Meepy: But Doggetts gone...we gotta find him...we just
gotta or I'm going to have a tantrum and shut myself in
my room for no apparent reason!
Skinner: Sporks anyone?
Meepy and Scully: No!
[Mulder hesitates, nods head in consideration, and
Scully gives him the raised eyebrow, Meepy gives him the
bird, and he finally shakes his head]
Scully: Now Meepy, that's no way to talk to Mulder.
Mulder: I suggest everybody get a good nights sleep
tonight, because tomorrow, we're off to Hawaii.
[Spookykat puts on flame retardant clothing and crosses
fingers, hoping and praying she won't be sued by the
lawyers who are worried about being sued because of
this]
*this next post is thanks to LoneAgent27*
[In the TLG Bedroom with color coordinating bunks]
Frohike: [wearing Tazmanian Devil PJ's] It's always
Langly! Langly, Langly, Langly, Langly Langly! LANGLY
hacks into everything. LANGLY wins all the computer
games. What the hell does that four-eyed blondo got that
I haven't got?
Byers: [entering in Batman pajamas with matching
slippers] Hair.
Frohike: What the hell do *you* know Virgin Monkey Boy?
Meepy: [from the bathroom] a Y Chromosome.
Frohike: When you grow pubic hair, then we'll talk
freak.
Langly: [in Cap'n Toby PJ's] Hey guys.
Frohike: Oh, shove it up your bandwidth, Barbie.
Langly: What bug crawled up his A Drive and died?
Byers: Pay no attention to him, Langly, he's got
Joystick envy
In the sewers of D.C.
**********************
Flukeman: [in Russian] It's always Leonard Betts! Betts!
Betts! Betts! Betts! Betts! What's that freak of nature
got that I haven't got? So he can grow new body
parts...so he eats tumors...Whoopidy-freakin'-do. Ok, so
he can talk, ok so he's human. Human's ain't all they're
cracked up to be. And while Betts gets all the glory
what am I doing down here? I'm stuck without my bottom
half in a shitty sewer Pickafrackabrickingrrrrrr
[cussing a la Fred Flintstone]
Meanwhile... back at the X-Files House
The Living Room
Skinner: (walking in, drying his hands on his apron) The
dishes are done, Mr. Mulder. I'll be turning in for the
night.
Mulder: Going to bed, Skin-Man?
Before Skinner opens his mouth, the door bell rings.
cully, wobbling in her seventies retro stilletto heeled
boots, trepiditiously maked up the three stairs to the
front door. She opens it and There's Our Krycek, in all
of his one-armed glory, clad in leather and holding a
bouquet of daisies.
Skinner: (face lighting up in a big grin) Going to bed
sir! Why, yes I am! (Prancing up the stairs, shoves
Scully aside, takes the flowers, throws them aside,
hitting Scully in the face-
Scully: Ow!
-and leaps into Krycek's arms - um, sorry - arm and
gives him a big wet smootch.
Krycek carries him off into the night.
Mulder: (Covering his eyes with his hand in abject
revulsion) I didn't need to see that.
Just then, the door flies open. John Doggett, dressed as
a NYPD cop stalks in as if he owns the joint. He shoves
a picture of Edward Furlong in Scully's face.
Doggett: Have you seen this boy?
Mulder: (throughly ticked off by this point) WRONG SHOW
PUPPY MAN.
Doggett: (hanging his head in embarrassment) Dammit.
(Leaves)
Scully: (a la Carol Brady, the only one still trying
desperately to stay in character) Oh Mulder...
Mulder: Oh shut up, Scully you ignorant slut.
Meanwhile, from upstairs...
Meepy: Daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad
Mulder: Crap. (heaving a big sigh, he pushes Scully
aside and stomps up the stairs)
Scully: (storms off the set and confronts Chris Carter)
This sucks! The writing sucks! The costumes sucks! My
hair (points to her once lovely auburn locks now
restyled a la Carol Brady) sucks! And my pay SUCKS! I
want a raise! I want to be paid as much as David is
getting paid! I am tired of this bs that just because
I'm a woman, the industry seems to think that I don't
deserve an equal amount of pay as a man. Well, let me
ask you, Mr. Chris Carter? Did I take you to court
and sue the pants of you when you sold The X-Files to
FX??
Carter (to Mark Snow) When did I lose control?
Snow: You had control? Since when?
Warning Minor S9 Spoilers, but hey, if you come on the
official x-files site at all, how can you avoid them...
*************************************************
It is the next morning, we are in the x-file office,
Dogget comes in.
Doggett: [as Robert Patrick, Practicing his NY/Southern
Accent] Muldah! MULdah...MulDAH...
Spotnitz: [I thought Doggett was the dog]
Carter: Oh Damn! Well...he is...uh...he's an alien
dog...morphed into human...yeah...that can work, can it?
[Reyes enters] Same for Reyes.
Reyes: [as Annabeth Gish, shaking head] What kind of
CRAP is this?
Mulder: [as Duchovny, whispering] Careful, you're
new...Carter's feeling pissy today, he might deside to
kill you off.
Reyes [as Gish] Thanks for the tip. Maybe I can give you
some pointers for not being typecasted.
Brad Follmer [in green tights, tunic, hat with a
feather, singing] We're men, we're manly men, we're men
in tights! [DD and Robert Patrick joins them] We roam
around the forrest looking for fights! We may look like
pansies, but look at us wrong and you put out your
lights!
Reyes: [as AG] that's one way to do it.
CC: Wrong show DUMB ASS! Get out of those God-awful
tights! If Mel Brookes sues me for Copywright
infringements, you're paying the lawyer's fees.
[Carey Elwes moves over to an open window, Reyes
casually goes over to him and nonchalantly shoves him
out the window.
Reyes: That was theraputic.
Follmer [falling out the window]
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaas Yooooooooooooooooooooou
Wiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiish!!!!!!!!!!!
Lucy Lawless: [Flipping in a la Xena]
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaiiiiiiiieeeeeee
[goes to save Follmer as he's falling out the window].
Alright, we're going to settle this once and for all...a
death match between Carter and all the angry S8 fans. [a
mob of angry noromos and shippers suddenly appear with
sporks and flamethrowers]
Frohike: [appearing outta nowhere] Alright, whose got
money on Carter?
Reyes: [handing him money] what the hell, I don't wanna
bother looking for a new job already.
Doggett: [coming from the sidelines, handing money] This
is a sinking ship, Carter, your ass is grass!
Carter: Mommy!
[LL and CE come up out of the window]
CE: I've got a hundred on CC. What the hell...I like the
underdogs.
LL: Same goes for me...I need all the references I can
get.
All of a sudden, men in black pick Chris Carter off and
drag him off to the MTV Celebrity Deathmatch Arena with
the horde of angry Philes following...
Spotnitz (to Mark Snow as they arrive at the arena) I
thought this thread was a parody-cross-over of X-File
characters in Brady Bunch situations.
Snow: Where have you been for the last nine years? Since
when is ANYTHING on this damn show been what it appears
to be.
Spotnitz: Good point. Think we can get good seats at the
Deathmatch?
Snow: Naw, look, see, Duchovny and Anderson already
snagged them.
Carter: (yelling at DD and GA) You two come down and
help me NOW. I MADE you!!! I made you into the stars you
are today.
Duchovny: Do you hear something?
Anderson: There's an annoying buzzing noise coming from
the arena but other than that, no... say, since we're
not in Brady Bunch land anymore, do I have to keep
my hair like this? (points to Carol Brady 'do on her
head)
Duchovny: (cringing) Oh for the love of God no. I'm just
glad we got out of there before they gave all of the
male characters perms.
Anderson: **whew** (takes Carol Brady wig from hell off
and fluffs her real hair)
The ref: And in this corner, creator of one of the
finest sci-fi series on television who tonight is going
to fight for his life against leagions of disappointed
fans.... Chris Carter!!!
Carter: (shaking fist at Duchovny and Anderson) I HATE
YOU GUYS!!!
The ref: - and in this corner.... one thousand thirteen
angry fans.
1013 Fans: Grr!! (brandishing sporks and flamethrowers)
The ref: Let's get it on! (quickly gets out of the way)
Shipper: This is for letting Mulder leave!
NoRomo: This is for even hinting that Mulder is the
father of Meepmork!
About two minutes later...
The ref: Well... in the shortest Deathmatch in the
history of Celebrity
Deathmatch... the fans are victorious!!!
Gish: Crap, I'm out of a job... and a hundred bucks.
Patrick: Have you seen this boy? (hold up photograph)
Gish: Quit it.
Patrick: No, I'm serious, have you seen this kid (holds
picture of Meepy up) I
was supposed to watch him but I forgot all about him.
Gish: (sighing) Let's go...
Meanwhile...
as the former stars and partners of the X-Files sit in
the stands, watching the janitor mop up the grease spot
that was once Chris Carter....
Duchovny: Well that was kind of cool. What do you want
to do now?
Anderson: Go shoe shopping for Piper and West?
Duchovny: Cool. Let me call Tea and see if she'll let me
use the credit cards....
"The X-Files Bunch
The X-Files Bunch
That's the way we
became the X-Files Bunch!"
*************************************************
All references towards people fact or fictional, living,
dead or otherwise was not intended to destroy careers or
to imply salacious behaviors in their personal lives.
This thread was a satirical creation borne of our
frustration that s9 will not showcase the character of
Agent Fox Mulder at all...
(translation: FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DON'T SUE US!!!!)
Until our next bored Friday night everybody…
**Finis**
Authors: Scully3776 and Spookykat
Rating: PG-13
Subject: Here's the story of a man named Mulder
Spoilers: S9 (only minor)
Keywords: Snark, Crossover, Slash (KSR),
Carterbash (can we make that a new category if it
isn't already one?), Meepy/Meepmork, LGM, CSM, Reyes,
Bradford Follmer, MSR, Doggett
DISCLAIMER: To the people behind the Brady Bunch:
thank-you for a show that's so easy to parody. FOX
Network and 1013, if you give us Mr. Carter's
characters, Agents Dana Scully, Monica Reyes, John
Doggett, and AD's Bradford Follmer, Walter Skinner,
Fox Mulder, CSM, Krycek, Ringo Langley, John Byers,
Melvin Frohike, Meepy/Meepmork (AKA William ) and whoever you decide to name Lucy
Lawless' character for about an hour, we promise we'll
get you to S10. David Duchovny, Gillian Anderson,
Robert Patrick, Annabeth Gish, Chris Carter, Mark
Snow, Carey Elwes, and Frank Spotnitz, let us put it
to you simply: This penniless pair loves your work.
Please take this piece of insanity with the humor that
it is intended.
(The melodious sound of people singing out of tune)
Here's a story of a man named Mulder
who was busy with three gunmen of his own
they were bored men
living altogether
they were all alone
Here's a story of a skeptic lady
Who was busy raising a Meepmork all alone
He had red hair just like his mother
Which he liked to wear in curls...
Meepy (singing) Oh I feel pretty, oh so pretty! I feel
pretty and witty and g-
Langly: Wrong show, dumbass...
So the one day when this lady met this fellow/And they
knew it was much more
than a hunch...
Scully (interrupting) Although we followed this hunch up
with scientific, rational thought...
**Cue the sounds of groaning**
So this crew became a.... a..... um..... Searchers for
little green men....
Mulder interjecting: They're gray!
Frohike: Shut up!!!
Anyways that's how the became the X-File Bunch!!!!
The X-File Bunch!
The X-File Bunch!
That's the way
We became the X-File Bunch!!
[We find ourselves in a cozy house that was trendy in
the 70's]
Meepy: (banging on the bathroom door) Langly! You better
let me in there Langly! Lemme in there or my bat will
meet your laptops! Laaaaaaangly!
Scully: (Coming up the stairs) Meepy, honey, what's all
the fussing
Meepy: Mommy, I hafta use the bathroom REEEEEEEEEEEAlly
bad and Langly won't let me in.
Scully: Meepy, Langly is a grown man...there are certain
things that grown men need to do in bathrooms.
Meepy: But Mommy, he doesn't take a shower...he doesn't
brush his hair...
Scully: You'll understand when you're older dear.
Meepy: I can read your thoughts, Mommy. I understand
NOW!
Scully raises a questioning eyebrow
Meepy: Frohike let me watch HBO with him last night.
Scully: Meepy...your Daddy and I will have a long talk
with Frohike when he
comes home. You just have to be patient and wait. This
house has four grown men
living in it and only one bathroom. Six kids did it
before us.
Meepy: Six kids did it?! In here?!?! Eeeeeeeeeew that's
DISGUSTING!!
[Scully raises her infamous eyebrow at him in reply]
Scully: I'm going to see if Skinner needs anything from
the grocery store. When I get back, I want to hear all
about how you and Langly worked out bathroom privileges
[she goes downstairs to the kitchen]
Skinner: [on the phone] Well, make it happen!
Scully: Oh, glad to see the maid's uniform that was left
here fits you so nicely!
Skinner: It doesn't make me look fat?
Scully: [lying] no, blue's your color! Do you need
anything from the store?
Skinner: No, thank you Dr. Scully. I went with my friend
down the street, Marita Corruvabias...you know they just
got a new dog, Queequeg...anyway, I went to the store
with her today and the butcher there...Krycek...cut me a
nice slice of uh...meat...today."
Scully: He did?
Skinner: [nodding] uh huh he's taking me to lunch on
Saturday. He's only got one arm, but other than that,
he's just dreamy.
Meepy: [comming down the stairs] Skinner, have you seen
Doggett around lately? I can't find him anywhere?
Skinner: Oh, Meepy, I'm sure he'll show up. He might be
chasing Monica again. Have a homemade chocolate chip
cookie.
Monica: Meow!
Scully: Well, there blows THAT theory
Mulder: (in his characteristic monotone) Honey, I'm
home!
Scully: Oh Mulder! (Scully scampers to the living room
to meet her man with Skinner in tow)
Mulder: How was your day honey?
Scully: Oh Mulder, you need to talk to the kids. Meepy
and Langly are fighting over the bathroom again and we
can't find Doggett!
Mulder: Fucking dog. Should have shot him when I had the
chance.
Scully: (whispering a la Gillian Anderson) **David, stay
in character, that's not how Mike Brady would talk**
Mulder: (whispering as well) Gillian, I don't give a
rat's ass about how Mike Brady would handle this, this
entire script is asinine. I am not getting paid for what
I'm worth and if Carter even THINKS he's going to whore
this show off to FX as well, I'm going to stick this
script of his up where the sun doesn't shine (shakes
script book in the air furiously)
GA: (fuming now) Well David, if YOU hadn't left the REAL
X-Files to pursue a crappy film career, the show
wouldn't have been cancelled mid-season and we
wouldn't be have been farmed out to TV Land and stuck in
this virtual re-run crossover hell and I'd still have my
nice trailer-
Duchovny: Oh, fine, Gillian, blame ME for the crappy
scripts 1013 cranked out for Season Eight!!! Go ahead!
You can kiss my big white as-
Skinner: (clearing his throat discreetly) Um... guys? We
ARE being watched you know. (points to the audience)
Mulder and Scully look out into the audience, look at
each other, put their arms around eachother and plaster
fake smiles on their faces.
Duchovny: (whispering furiously) I'm only doing this
because I have Tea and West
to worry about.
Anderson: (whispering back) And Piper needs a new pair
of shoes, so let's pretend to lurve each other like the
fans want us to because (mimicking Mulder's last line in
"Existence") "It's the truth we both know."
Duchovny: God damn shippers. (back as Mulder)All right,
Scully, I'll have a talk with the kids, but after I
announce my big news!
Scully: Oh Mulder, I can hardly wait!!!
Skinner: (examining himself in the mirror) This blue
dress DOES make me look fat!!! (shakes his fist towards
heaven) DAMN YOU CARTER!! DAMN YOU TO HELL!!!
[In the bedroom]
Scully: [As Gillian Anderson] Mulder! It's always
Mulder! Mulder! Mulder! Mulder! The whole show is about
Mulder's SISTER, about Mulder's ABDUCTION... Scully's
sister dies and gets all of two episodes...Scully gets
abducted for half a season and David gets Nic Lea to
work with...what do I get? The bad guy from T2!!
[Mulder comes in to change his things] Gillian, they're
watching.
Scully: Your the one who didn't want to be type
casted...now look at you, you're stuck in dumb sci-fi
rolls.
Mulder: Oh...like anybody wanted to watch some dumb
chickflick not even on cable.
Scully: Did anybody come see your dumb Evolution movie?
I don't THINK so.
Mulder: [pouting] Tea and West did!!
Scully: You let a 2 year old see a PG-13 movie?! Maybe
next time you could take her to the porn section with
you.
Mulder: Gillian, they're watching.
Scully: Oh...yeah...um...so Mulder, care to fill us in
on the big news?
Mulder: We're going to Hawaii! I have to go out there
for a case, and Kersh invited us all out there. The
Cunningham family out in Millwauke is missing
their son Chuck.
Scully: Aloha.
Mulder: Not so fast, Scully...I'm not so sure this is a
good idea Scully: Why not, Mulder? It's summer vacation
for Meepy.
Mulder: Well...my new client, Diana, is coming with us.
Scully: Diana? The bitch is back?
Mulder: She sorta has to, she's my client. Gillian, just
be happy the fans are
ok with you leaving.
Scully: [As Gillian, pouting] They like you better than
me!
Mulder: [As David] Meanwhile, I'll be reduced to
infomercials if we don't get our asses in character...so
put up or shut up.
Meepy: [whispering] I see dead people
Langly: Wrong movie again, dipshit. Kid actors!
Frohike: The only good thing that ever came from a kid
actor was Backdraft.
Meepy: The Grinch Who Stole Christmas was pretty cool.
Frohike: Alright. I'll give ya that.
Scully: [coming down the stairs, grinning] Infomercials,
David! Infomercials!
Mulder: [Following her, also grinning] Pokemon shoes,
Gillian! Pokemon shoes!
Meepy: [shouting, arms flung open] I'm KING OF THE
WORLD!!
Chris Carter: [coming out in front of the camera,
shaking his script angrily] Kid, who's your agent?! Do
you realize how many Goddamn copyright suits I'm gonna
get if you keep this up! [glares at Mulder]My ass has
too much bitten out of it to spare another lawsuit.
[doorbell rings]
Skinner: [casually giving Carter the bird as he walks
past] I'll get it
Mulder: Spender?! I thought you were dead.
Spender: Evil doesn't die [glaring at Carter] see,
nobody likes cryptic shit. Mulder, I am your father.
Mulder: Gee...that's original.
Scully: *cough* Infomercials! *cough
Spender: You want the truth, YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE
TRUTH!!!
Frohike: [mumbling] ixnay on the icholsonay
Spender: [looking disappointed] Aw, but I was having fun
Frohike: You make me wanna be a better man.
Carter: Damn...wish I couldda come up with something
like that instead of that
touchstone crap.
All: So do we!
Chris Carter: [to Mark Snow] No, we can't use that song,
my attorney said we might get sued, no...that one's
gotta go too.
SNOW: The x-files theme?!? So what do we play instead?
Chris Carter: God Bless America...there's irony in that
song and my show, don't you think?
Frank Spotnitz: [to CC] The same lawyer that defended
you when David sued?
Chris Carter: You've got a point. Somebody get me the
yellow pages and look under the legal section!
Spotnitz: Your story ideas?!?
Chris Carter: [ignoring Spotnitz] [to Meepy] Kid, since
it's a weekend, and you're not a part of the actors'
union, we'll keep you on for a season. Then you'll
die...got it?
[Meepy only nods in response, and everybody moves
magically into position for a dinner scene]
Scully: [As Gillian] Got continuity?
Mulder: [trying not to laugh] Well gang, looks like
we're going to Hawaii for the summer.
Meepy: But Doggetts gone...we gotta find him...we just
gotta or I'm going to have a tantrum and shut myself in
my room for no apparent reason!
Skinner: Sporks anyone?
Meepy and Scully: No!
[Mulder hesitates, nods head in consideration, and
Scully gives him the raised eyebrow, Meepy gives him the
bird, and he finally shakes his head]
Scully: Now Meepy, that's no way to talk to Mulder.
Mulder: I suggest everybody get a good nights sleep
tonight, because tomorrow, we're off to Hawaii.
[Spookykat puts on flame retardant clothing and crosses
fingers, hoping and praying she won't be sued by the
lawyers who are worried about being sued because of
this]
*this next post is thanks to LoneAgent27*
[In the TLG Bedroom with color coordinating bunks]
Frohike: [wearing Tazmanian Devil PJ's] It's always
Langly! Langly, Langly, Langly, Langly Langly! LANGLY
hacks into everything. LANGLY wins all the computer
games. What the hell does that four-eyed blondo got that
I haven't got?
Byers: [entering in Batman pajamas with matching
slippers] Hair.
Frohike: What the hell do *you* know Virgin Monkey Boy?
Meepy: [from the bathroom] a Y Chromosome.
Frohike: When you grow pubic hair, then we'll talk
freak.
Langly: [in Cap'n Toby PJ's] Hey guys.
Frohike: Oh, shove it up your bandwidth, Barbie.
Langly: What bug crawled up his A Drive and died?
Byers: Pay no attention to him, Langly, he's got
Joystick envy
In the sewers of D.C.
**********************
Flukeman: [in Russian] It's always Leonard Betts! Betts!
Betts! Betts! Betts! Betts! What's that freak of nature
got that I haven't got? So he can grow new body
parts...so he eats tumors...Whoopidy-freakin'-do. Ok, so
he can talk, ok so he's human. Human's ain't all they're
cracked up to be. And while Betts gets all the glory
what am I doing down here? I'm stuck without my bottom
half in a shitty sewer Pickafrackabrickingrrrrrr
[cussing a la Fred Flintstone]
Meanwhile... back at the X-Files House
The Living Room
Skinner: (walking in, drying his hands on his apron) The
dishes are done, Mr. Mulder. I'll be turning in for the
night.
Mulder: Going to bed, Skin-Man?
Before Skinner opens his mouth, the door bell rings.
cully, wobbling in her seventies retro stilletto heeled
boots, trepiditiously maked up the three stairs to the
front door. She opens it and There's Our Krycek, in all
of his one-armed glory, clad in leather and holding a
bouquet of daisies.
Skinner: (face lighting up in a big grin) Going to bed
sir! Why, yes I am! (Prancing up the stairs, shoves
Scully aside, takes the flowers, throws them aside,
hitting Scully in the face-
Scully: Ow!
-and leaps into Krycek's arms - um, sorry - arm and
gives him a big wet smootch.
Krycek carries him off into the night.
Mulder: (Covering his eyes with his hand in abject
revulsion) I didn't need to see that.
Just then, the door flies open. John Doggett, dressed as
a NYPD cop stalks in as if he owns the joint. He shoves
a picture of Edward Furlong in Scully's face.
Doggett: Have you seen this boy?
Mulder: (throughly ticked off by this point) WRONG SHOW
PUPPY MAN.
Doggett: (hanging his head in embarrassment) Dammit.
(Leaves)
Scully: (a la Carol Brady, the only one still trying
desperately to stay in character) Oh Mulder...
Mulder: Oh shut up, Scully you ignorant slut.
Meanwhile, from upstairs...
Meepy: Daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad
Mulder: Crap. (heaving a big sigh, he pushes Scully
aside and stomps up the stairs)
Scully: (storms off the set and confronts Chris Carter)
This sucks! The writing sucks! The costumes sucks! My
hair (points to her once lovely auburn locks now
restyled a la Carol Brady) sucks! And my pay SUCKS! I
want a raise! I want to be paid as much as David is
getting paid! I am tired of this bs that just because
I'm a woman, the industry seems to think that I don't
deserve an equal amount of pay as a man. Well, let me
ask you, Mr. Chris Carter? Did I take you to court
and sue the pants of you when you sold The X-Files to
FX??
Carter (to Mark Snow) When did I lose control?
Snow: You had control? Since when?
Warning Minor S9 Spoilers, but hey, if you come on the
official x-files site at all, how can you avoid them...
*************************************************
It is the next morning, we are in the x-file office,
Dogget comes in.
Doggett: [as Robert Patrick, Practicing his NY/Southern
Accent] Muldah! MULdah...MulDAH...
Spotnitz: [I thought Doggett was the dog]
Carter: Oh Damn! Well...he is...uh...he's an alien
dog...morphed into human...yeah...that can work, can it?
[Reyes enters] Same for Reyes.
Reyes: [as Annabeth Gish, shaking head] What kind of
CRAP is this?
Mulder: [as Duchovny, whispering] Careful, you're
new...Carter's feeling pissy today, he might deside to
kill you off.
Reyes [as Gish] Thanks for the tip. Maybe I can give you
some pointers for not being typecasted.
Brad Follmer [in green tights, tunic, hat with a
feather, singing] We're men, we're manly men, we're men
in tights! [DD and Robert Patrick joins them] We roam
around the forrest looking for fights! We may look like
pansies, but look at us wrong and you put out your
lights!
Reyes: [as AG] that's one way to do it.
CC: Wrong show DUMB ASS! Get out of those God-awful
tights! If Mel Brookes sues me for Copywright
infringements, you're paying the lawyer's fees.
[Carey Elwes moves over to an open window, Reyes
casually goes over to him and nonchalantly shoves him
out the window.
Reyes: That was theraputic.
Follmer [falling out the window]
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaas Yooooooooooooooooooooou
Wiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiish!!!!!!!!!!!
Lucy Lawless: [Flipping in a la Xena]
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaiiiiiiiieeeeeee
[goes to save Follmer as he's falling out the window].
Alright, we're going to settle this once and for all...a
death match between Carter and all the angry S8 fans. [a
mob of angry noromos and shippers suddenly appear with
sporks and flamethrowers]
Frohike: [appearing outta nowhere] Alright, whose got
money on Carter?
Reyes: [handing him money] what the hell, I don't wanna
bother looking for a new job already.
Doggett: [coming from the sidelines, handing money] This
is a sinking ship, Carter, your ass is grass!
Carter: Mommy!
[LL and CE come up out of the window]
CE: I've got a hundred on CC. What the hell...I like the
underdogs.
LL: Same goes for me...I need all the references I can
get.
All of a sudden, men in black pick Chris Carter off and
drag him off to the MTV Celebrity Deathmatch Arena with
the horde of angry Philes following...
Spotnitz (to Mark Snow as they arrive at the arena) I
thought this thread was a parody-cross-over of X-File
characters in Brady Bunch situations.
Snow: Where have you been for the last nine years? Since
when is ANYTHING on this damn show been what it appears
to be.
Spotnitz: Good point. Think we can get good seats at the
Deathmatch?
Snow: Naw, look, see, Duchovny and Anderson already
snagged them.
Carter: (yelling at DD and GA) You two come down and
help me NOW. I MADE you!!! I made you into the stars you
are today.
Duchovny: Do you hear something?
Anderson: There's an annoying buzzing noise coming from
the arena but other than that, no... say, since we're
not in Brady Bunch land anymore, do I have to keep
my hair like this? (points to Carol Brady 'do on her
head)
Duchovny: (cringing) Oh for the love of God no. I'm just
glad we got out of there before they gave all of the
male characters perms.
Anderson: **whew** (takes Carol Brady wig from hell off
and fluffs her real hair)
The ref: And in this corner, creator of one of the
finest sci-fi series on television who tonight is going
to fight for his life against leagions of disappointed
fans.... Chris Carter!!!
Carter: (shaking fist at Duchovny and Anderson) I HATE
YOU GUYS!!!
The ref: - and in this corner.... one thousand thirteen
angry fans.
1013 Fans: Grr!! (brandishing sporks and flamethrowers)
The ref: Let's get it on! (quickly gets out of the way)
Shipper: This is for letting Mulder leave!
NoRomo: This is for even hinting that Mulder is the
father of Meepmork!
About two minutes later...
The ref: Well... in the shortest Deathmatch in the
history of Celebrity
Deathmatch... the fans are victorious!!!
Gish: Crap, I'm out of a job... and a hundred bucks.
Patrick: Have you seen this boy? (hold up photograph)
Gish: Quit it.
Patrick: No, I'm serious, have you seen this kid (holds
picture of Meepy up) I
was supposed to watch him but I forgot all about him.
Gish: (sighing) Let's go...
Meanwhile...
as the former stars and partners of the X-Files sit in
the stands, watching the janitor mop up the grease spot
that was once Chris Carter....
Duchovny: Well that was kind of cool. What do you want
to do now?
Anderson: Go shoe shopping for Piper and West?
Duchovny: Cool. Let me call Tea and see if she'll let me
use the credit cards....
"The X-Files Bunch
The X-Files Bunch
That's the way we
became the X-Files Bunch!"
*************************************************
All references towards people fact or fictional, living,
dead or otherwise was not intended to destroy careers or
to imply salacious behaviors in their personal lives.
This thread was a satirical creation borne of our
frustration that s9 will not showcase the character of
Agent Fox Mulder at all...
(translation: FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DON'T SUE US!!!!)
Until our next bored Friday night everybody…
**Finis**