I stared at the doctor, willing her to disappear and for me to wake up. Because she had just told me I was dying. That's not right. That can't be right. I was just really tired from staying up too late and so I bumped into things a lot, hence the bruises. That's all. Sleep deprivation. But she was giving me such a pitying look, and my nails were digging into my palm so hard, I wasn't really able to convince myself of the lie.
"We'll need to start chemo right away. Dr. Cullen, if you could bring him in tomorrow? We'll insert the Hickman." The doctor, Dr. Adamson, said. Her words seemed to float around inside my head, but I registered 'tomorrow', 'insert' and 'Hickman'.
"What's a Hickman?" I was surprised by how normal my voice sounded. If I closed my eyes, I could almost imagine that nothing was wrong. Almost.
My father put his arm around me, offering silent comfort and I braced myself because he was holding me like I might disappear if he wasn't careful. "A Hickman is a sort of tubing for your chemo. It's inserted here," he placed a hand on my chest, just under my collarbone. "It's a better option for you, since I know you don't like needles."
I shuddered remembering the various needles I'd already had stuck into me. There was the blood test, the bone marrow biopsy, and the spinal tap. All together, too many needles in less than a month. I just nodded and looked up at my father tiredly. "Can we go home now?"
He smiled at me softly and rubbed my back a little. "Yes. We can go home now. Thank you Gloria." Dr. Adamson smiled sadly and shook my father's hand before giving me a gentle squeeze.
"Of course. I'll see you two tomorrow." She gave us a small smile and I stood up slowly, giving her a wave before following my dad to the car.
The drive home was deathly silent and I rested my head on the window, watching as we drove through town. Occasionally, my dad would glance over at me as if checking that I was still there before returning his eyes to the road. I felt terrible for having to put my family through this again. It was unfair to them.
Before I knew it, we were home and I sighed as I got out of the car, moving at a snail's pace to the front door where my father was waiting for me. Inside were my siblings who were still oblivious to the fact that I was dying and I didn't want to be the one to tell them. Dad threw an arm around my shoulders and I leaned into him, watching as he unlocked the door. I clutched at him as he guided me inside and then wandered into the living room. My siblings were all there, along with the Hales. Emmett and Jasper were playing a videogame and Rosalie and Alice were watching, Alice giving the occasional cheer when Jasper managed to get the upper hand. It all looked so normal and I didn't want it to change.
They all turned to look at me as the front door banged shut, Dad's footsteps heading towards us. "Edward, you're back! Did they find out what's wrong with you? Why do you look so sad? You should be happy; you got to skip school today!" Alice greeted me. My younger sister was always talking a mile a minute and usually, it would bring a smile to my face but today, I was too tired to make the effort.
"Whoa there short stuff. Slow down before you run out of air." Emmett teased. Alice stuck her tongue out at him and I watched them almost apathetically. Distantly, I wondered what was wrong with me. I'd just found out I was dying but I couldn't seem to feel anything.
Dad came into the room and rubbed my back slowly while saying hello to the room's occupants. I absently wondered why he was touching me so much today but didn't want to make the effort to think about it.
"I'm tired." I told him quietly. My father nodded and moved some hair out of my eyes.
"Alright. Why don't you go take a nap and I'll wake you when dinner's ready." Nodding, I ignored the concerned glances from my siblings and attempted to walk out of the room, but I bumped my shoulder on the doorframe and stumbled a bit.
Dad steadied me and I leaned into him. "Maybe I should help you up, hmm?" He put a guiding hand on my back and led me up the stairs to my room, where I removed my shoes and he tucked me into bed, pulling the blanket to my chin. I remembered him doing this for me when I was still a child, tucking me in after a bedtime story. Everything was so much simpler in my childhood and I sighed a little sadly because those days were long gone. My Dad stroked my hair a little and kissed me on the forehead before telling me to go to sleep.
I watched him leave quietly, shutting the door behind him. It was getting harder to keep my eyes open and so I let them close, letting myself hope that when I woke up, maybe everything would turn out to be just a dream.
Someone was calling my name and I groaned, opening my eyes to see my father's resigned face. So it wasn't a dream after all, I thought. There was only one other time I'd seen my Dad wear that expression and that was when Mom was dying. It hit me like a freight train and I couldn't breathe for a while. I'm really dying. I'm going to die. A distressed sound crossed my lips and I stared up at my father desperately, pleading for him to make it go away.
Dad carded his hand through my hair, lifting me up so that he could hug me to his chest. "It's alright, Edward. It's going to be okay. You're a fighter and I know you can beat this." His voice was soft and wavering, only serving to scare me more, but his embrace was firm and I felt safer there.
"How can you be so sure? Mom was a fighter, but she never made it to the finish line." My hands fisted his shirt and I felt tears of sorrow and fear slide down my face. It was a carnal fear, born of watching my mother wither away before my very eyes and not being able to prevent it. I didn't want my life to take that downward spiral and I didn't want to die. Didn't want to disappear and be Gone.
My father tightened his grip on me and lifted my head, my green eyes meeting his hazel ones. "You're mother was a fighter; there is no doubt about that. But she was ready to let go; she was tired. You, Edward, are far more stubborn than your mother ever could've been. Just remember we'll be there for you every step of the way. You're not alone."
I nodded numbly, wiping the tears from my cheeks. If Dad didn't want to consider the possibility that I could die from this, then I wasn't going to mention it because, to be honest, I didn't want to believe that either. Giving him a small smile, I hugged him tightly.
"Now, it's time for dinner. Did you have a good nap?" he asked. I nodded, extracted myself from his arms, and got up. We shuffled down to the dining room together, both lost in our thoughts. Outside the entrance to the dining room, I paused to take a breath.
There was no doubt that the others knew already – Dad would've told them after I'd gone to sleep. I suppose they would've found out anyway. My various doctors' visits and the mysterious ache I'd had from "exercising too much" were starting to get suspicious. Jasper had been giving me strange glances all week and Alice kept asking Dad about why he had to bring me to a doctor when he himself was a doctor. All in all, I suppose this was inevitable but that didn't prevent me from feeling the suffocating apprehension.
Behind me, my father gave me a reassuring squeeze and I exhaled slowly. Walking into the room, I narrowly missed clipping my shoulder on the doorframe again, and took my seat between Rosalie and Jasper, meeting their worried stares with an indifferent one of my own. Dad took his seat at the table and we proceeded to have dinner, which was an awkward affair; the diagnosis and secrets hanging over our heads.
Usually, after dinner was when everyone would hang out before Rosalie and Jasper had to go home, but today, after dinner consisted of the five of us sitting in the living room quietly. They were all staring at my accusingly and I fidgeted nervously. "Why didn't you tell us the truth Edward? That you were going to the doctor because your Dad thought you might have leukemia." Jasper asked.
I took the initiative to inspect the floor intently, sighing sadly before deciding to answer him. "I didn't want you guys to worry… After Mom, I just couldn't stand to put you guys through all the stress only to find out that I wasn't really dying."
"But you are Edward. You have leukemia for God's sake! Don't you think it would've been easier for us if we had known this was a possibility?" Emmett was angry, his hands balled into fists in his lap. I looked around at them all. They were family, even Rosalie and Jasper, and I'd lied to them but I'd just wanted to spare them the pain. It seems all I'd managed to do was hurt them even more. Just by looking at the expressions on Rosalie and Alice's faces, I could tell that they were livid.
Looking down at my seat on the couch, I bit my lip dejectedly. "They say ignorance is bliss. I just wanted to give you the few hours of bliss we were never granted with Mom. I didn't want things to change at home because everything else was changing so fast. It was selfish of me, but I think I deserve to be a little selfish. I'm not ready to…go." I whispered. I'm not ready to die.
Dad came and sat beside me, wrapping his arm around my shoulders while Alice took my hand in hers. "Don't you worry, Edward. We'll always be here for you, no matter what." Alice said. She gave my hand a reassuring squeeze and Rosalie, Emmett and Jasper nodded along with her.
"Didn't I tell you, son? You'll never be alone. Just remember to depend on us." Dad whispered in my ear.
I sniffled quietly and gave them a slight smile. "Thank you." Sitting there in the living room, surrounded by my family, I thought that maybe I could do this after all. I'd realized that all my life, my father was the mountain protecting me from harm and my siblings were my traveling companions. But now, I'd traveled too far for my mountain to protect me. Now, my mountain was a safety blanket and my siblings were the stars lighting my way home. As long as I had them, maybe I could make it to the finish line.
This idea just came to me. What do you guys think? Is it worth the effort? Should I scrap it? Does the writing need improvement? I feel like it does…. If I do decide to continue this, I promise I'll try to make the chapter longer :)