The Red Scarf
Kakashi Hatake stood erectly over the top of the larch tree and shielded his eyes, squinting as he watched the vermillion sunlight caressing the emerald green canopies of the forest trees. His sharingan glinted crimson, a souvenir of Obito Uchiha; the last time he saw him, Obito had been covered in his own blood, the feral agony in his eyes red, just like the 'birthday present' he had left him, just like the setting sun, just like the scarf he used to wrap around his neck in his Anbu days, scarf that had almost suffocated him with its color before he had decided to drop out. Red, he thought, such a sickening color. With one last scan of the forest which seemed innocuous enough for now despite the perilous shadows which never seemed too far away, he jumped down and landed gracefully, in front of his comrades and childhood friends, Might Gai and Kurenai Yuhi.
"What is wrong with your stance, Kakashi?" Gai's rumbling voice pierced through his gloomy thoughts and Kakashi almost stumbled as his heavy hand smacked hard against his back. "It seems like you have already lost your power of youth but then again, you never had it to start with. Hell, you were born with white hair and you only seem to grow older and older as the days pass."
"I am sorry, did you say something?" Kakashi straightened and drawled in his usual bored, dispassionate voice.
"Ha, now you have lost your hearing ability too, eh?" Gai hollered, studying him down the length of his enormous, protruding nose. "Pathetic. If only you could have half my spirit, my handsome looks and my never-ending optimism you wouldn't need to wear that awful mask to hide your morbid disposition. Learn something from me, Kakashi!" He flashed him his big teeth and Kakashi almost cringed away at the sparkle in them and the huge thumbs-up, Gai shoved in his face.
"What did you see, Kakashi?" Kurenai asked in her soft, subtle voice and only then did he allowed himself to look at her wistful, crimson eyes, so much like his own sharingan. Kurenai. He wondered what insanity had drove her parents to name her that; did they know that their daughter's fate was as bleak as her name, that the crimson monsters had swallowed her too, just as they had swallowed all the rest of the shinobis. A price to pay for the illusion of peace. Because now he was experienced enough to realize that it was only an illusion but as long as people of their village were able to believe in it and be content, they were willing to fight, to drown deeper into red, because that was what being shinobi was about.
"We have lost our enemy's trail for now." He replied calmly, "But that can be fixed." He grazed his thumb with his teeth, unrolled his scrolls with one swift movement and summoned his hounds. He gave them orders to trace down the enemies by the scent since he was unable to sense them even with his Sharingan. It was a B-ranked mission, regarding three missing-nins that had fled away from their village and were on their way to hand the Intel to the village hidden in the mist. For some reasons, this reminded him of Uchiha Sasuke, another product of his mistakes, another failure.
The night dropped down its curtain, dark and ominous. Kakashi's hounds still hadn't returned and he mentally berated himself for letting the enemies get away even though he had them in his grasp not so long ago. They decided to rest for the night under the shelter of trees and thickets and Kakashi sat reading Jiraiya's novels while feigning obliviousness to the Might Gai who kept babbling and babbling incessantly, trying to get under his skin. Soon he had lost himself in the old legendary sannin's unfulfilled perverted fantasies, wondering why he enjoyed them so much. The most amusing part was the fact that he could see Tsunade in almost all of the heroines, for whom Jiraiya had probably harbored unrequited feelings for a long time. Once he had tried to make Tsunade read one of Jiraiya's novels, to make her more empathic of Jiraiya's feelings towards her. To his horror, she had reacted with outrage at that and had stomped away to hunt Jiraiya down for writing down erotic sentences while thinking of her and vowed to put him to his miserable end. But that was a long time ago and now, Jiraiya was dead, had fallen victim to the same crimson monsters like so many had.
"I have finally found out your secret, Kakashi." Gai boomed cheerily. "After all you can't hide it from Konoha's most handsome green demon forever."
"And what would that secret be?" Kakashi asked sardonically, keeping his eye on the pages of novel.
"The reason why you wear that mask. It is because you need to blush so much when you read that crap. You wear it so that you can keep blushing without ruining your reputation. I am right, am I not, oh the great Kakashi, the eternal rival of mine?"
"You are absolutely right. In fact that is exactly the reason why I wear pants too."
Gai was stunned into speechlessness while Kurenai smiled at the joke.
Kakashi fell asleep with little orange book still in front of him but the fragile ice of the world he had balanced himself over so precariously broke, the way it always did in his dreams and he fell down into the crimson lake made of his myriad mistakes. It was like being trapped in Itachi's Mangekyou sharingan again and he saw swirling images of Obito crushed under the boulder, still smiling, Rin whispering his name brokenly as he put sizzling chidori in her chest and then his father, walking away from him, leaving him in utter loneliness. And then a voice was calling his name, anchoring him to a faint hope.
He woke up to find Kurenai's anxious, red eyes hovering in front of him, almost like some apparition but it was her gentle, placating voice and her demeanor that always emanated peace that finally got through him. "It was just a dream." She said soothingly, as her hand rubbed his back.
From the corner of his eye, he saw her reaching out for his mask and he reacted violently, snatching her wrist in his strong hand. "No!" he growled.
"But you will breathe easier if you take off your mask." She murmured, unperturbed by his vehemence.
"No." He repeated firmly.
"Why?"
"Because you wouldn't like the person I am behind it."
She looked up at him plaintively, her hand trembled slightly as he released her hand and she placed it on her chest, hating the fact that she couldn't help him, could do nothing to ease his sufferings, not now, not ever. She wanted to disagree with him, assure him that even without the mask he wouldn't ever be lonely but she knew that he wouldn't like it if she breached his personal space. She went back to the boulder she had been sitting over and lifted her knitting pins, resuming her knitting.
Kakashi rubbed the back of his head, disoriented. "What are you knitting?"
She raised small red mittens and smiled tranquilly, a faraway look entering her eyes. The mittens were so tiny that they were smaller than Kakashi's little finger and as he looked at them, he felt curiously fascinated. "For your son?"
"Yes, of course." She sighed. "I hated to leave him alone even though I know he is not really alone since Shikamaru is with him. Still, he would get cranky if I didn't bring a present for him."
Her words seemed distant as he stared at the small red mittens, remembering the scarlet scarf he used to wear in his Anbu days, scarf Kurenai had knitted for him herself years ago, in those shadowy times when he had returned to the village with Rin's corpse in his arms. He had been unable to find peace or release, under the relentless rains of agony and guilt that had submerged him. He would sit for hours outside, trying to think of the ways to make himself suffer, looking for anything that would buy him a chance of redemption and slowly, slowly, he knew that he was descending into a realm of insanity. He had been sitting in the cold rain for hours that night, willing the assailing rain to wash him away, to reduce him to a small fragment of oblivion, his grayish hair and eyes heavily drenched when Kurenai had found him. She had touched his forehead with her gentle hands. "You are so cold." She had said.
"Really?" He had drawled wryly. "But I am always cold."
"Look at you… What are you doing here sitting like this?" She had chided him.
His lips curled cynically. "I guess… I got lost on the path of life."
"Don't say ridiculous things."
She had tugged his hand lightly but he had stumbled and fallen over her. She had wrapped her arms firmly around his shivering form to support him, taking in the cold scent of rain and forest that clung to him like dark mist. Over the noise of the ferocious storm, she could feel his heartbeat, slow and tired, almost as if he wanted no part of life anymore and that had scared her.
She had guided him through the glacial, misty rains and howling winds; her hand was like his anchor in the relentless oceans he had fallen into. Through the haze, he had let her lead him to her apartment where he had slept without any nightmares after a long time. That was when he had realized that he needed her, her comforting presence, the halo of peace that hung around her like fragrance, and her penetrating eyes that always seemed sharper and more profound to him than his own sharingan. She had always been different; her presence was like a patch of sunlight in the coldest of winters. When he had woken up in the morning she had given him the red scarf she had knitted herself overnight. "You won't be cold if you wear it." She had smiled as she had wrapped it around his neck. It was warm and full of her own subtle scent as Kakashi buried his masked face in it and inhaled deeply.
He would visit her a lot after that, because only in her eyes he could see a vivid empathy, a splash of crimson of his own wretched life. He became notorious and developed reputation of someone who could selfishly sacrifice and kill his own comrades without a second thought, that he was a monster of some sort but she always remained impervious to such accusations. She would always greet him with a warm smile and they would spend their time talking or drinking sake; sometimes he would fall asleep with his head in her laps and her stroking his soft hair, color of rainy sky.
But the small place of peace disappeared all too soon when he decided to join Anbu. Kurenai had reacted with outrage. "Why are you so bent on punishing yourself?" She had demanded angrily, her red eyes feral. "You won't ever get healed of you join Anbu. It will… It will kill you."
"I can't be healed because I am not the one who is hurt, Kurenai." He had responded, his eyes cold. "I have hurt many people in my life and sent them to their death. This is the only way I can atone."
"You are just running away instead of confronting your past." Her eyes were imploring and full of shivering tears. "You don't realize that it wasn't your fault. Let go of your guilt, Kakashi."
"I have made too many mistakes in my life, mistakes that can't be amended." He had whispered. "I deserve this. I have to take this path alone. There is nothing that can change that so don't try to stop me, Kurenai."
That was when she realized that she couldn't save him. Her ruby orbs, washed with pain and frustration had seemed nothing more than two drops of blood to him and he left without another word. He plunged himself into the missions after missions, killing and torturing many for the sake of his village and his atonement. Everything he saw was red, everywhere he looked, he could only see red. Her eyes too. Hell, even her name meant red and so unknowingly, he distanced himself from her. It was just too much for him.
They drifted apart. He knew that Asuma and she had developed special understanding and at first he wondered what she could see in that obsessive chain-smoker with a pirate-beard. Nevertheless, Kurenai genuinely deserved happiness and peace, something he couldn't give, broken as he was but sometimes, he couldn't help yearning for her, her mild, serene presence. So he kept wearing the scarf she had made as he went on all those terrifying, bloody missions.
But those days were behind him and so much had happened since then. She was now a mother of Sora, Asuma's son, Asuma who had left them both and Kakashi was still… alone and empty, unhealed. He watched her as she knitted for her son peacefully, humming softly. "I have been wondering… what happened to the scarf I gave you?"
"It was becoming a noose." He said inadvertently and then mentally chidoried himself as she saw the hurt that crossed her eyes. "You were right… Anbu didn't let me atone. I probably made more clones of myself out there by killing their comrades."
"Why don't you visit my house after we are done with the mission?" She said genially. "I am sure Sora will love Uncle Kakashi's company."
Uncle Kakashi? He shook his head incredulously. "Not a bad idea." He agreed.
As usual, Kakashi and Gai raced their way back to Konoha while Kurenai had to struggle to keep with them. "Where is your strength of youth, Kurenai?" Gai called out to her.
"She has transferred it all into her son." Kakashi chuckled.
"No I still retain some of it." She contradicted.
"Oh really?" She could see Kakashi's eye smirk. "Then show us."
"I accept your challenge Kakashi." She smiled and then darted past them while they stared at her back in daze. "Try to catch up with me if you can, you two."
The three of them whizzed through the trees like shower of kunais, much to Team Asuma's surprise who they met up with at Konoha's gates. "Kurenai?" Shikamaru called out to her with lethargic amusement. "Your son has given me one hell of a time and you are playing here while I am acting like a long-suffering mother at your home, changing your son's diapers? What a drag."
"You are already tired of your future student, Shikamaru sensei?" Kurenai teased him.
"Sensei? It sounds so troublesome." He sighed.
"I can't believe we lost to her." Gai said to Kakashi, his big black eyebrow twitching. "I mean she is the one who gave birth to a child, not us and so how come she is still faster than us?"
"It sure is a mystery." Kakashi agreed.
When Kakashi went to meet Kurenai and Sora, he was struck by the happiness that floated in the contours of the house, like summer breeze, the tinkling, innocent laughter of Asuma's son and Kurenai's soothing coos. You are copy ninja, dammit, he thought, why can't you copy their expressions?
"You were late." Kurenai admonished. "The food got all cold."
"Sorry, I was unable to pick present for your son and I ended up roaming around the whole market. They refused to sell anything to me unless I showed them my face and then a black cat crossed my way and—"
"I don't believe this." Kurenai exclaimed, interrupting his lame excuses and snatched away the copies of Icha Icha paradise from him. "You brought this crap in a house where a small kid lives."
"Don't worry, his 'Uncle Kakashi' would never do anything do destroy little Sora's innocence." He smirked. "I brought it so that I can read it out loud to you."
He hadn't intended to flirt but the faint red blush that dusted her cheeks was worth it; he hadn't seen her like that in a while. "Shut up or I will throw it out of the window."
He smiled; glad that they had regained some of that comfortable air they used to have back then. The same calm and tranquility settled over him like a lazy, summer cloud and he played with Sora, showed him how to throw wooden kunais and shurikens he had brought along with him as a present. He cursed Asuma for leaving so soon, before he could even enjoy the warmth of the family, family that was supposed to be Asuma's, warmth that would never truly be his no matter how much he yearned for it. The concept of family was simply foreign to him and would always be. It was inevitable now that he would be forever alone.
Soon, Sora fell asleep in Kakashi's arms while he sat on the porch with Kurenai at his side, watching the twinkling stars. He held him so hesitantly and tenderly, as if he was some fragile thing and reveled in the warmth and peace that seeped into him. "Your son is asleep." He said to Kurenai impishly. "How about I read Icha Icha paradise to you now?"
"Shut up and get out of this house, pervert!" She hissed and shoved him with her elbow. "You are not allowed here if you brought that damn book again."
He visited her often then, trying to soak in more of the laughter and warmth but was afraid to get too close, to pull the threads too tight, knowing that they could be broken easily. Despite that, he was glad for the fact that now his dreams had started deviating from the usual gore and screams of agony. They were still red but the red in them was that of Kurenai's and Sora's eyes, the color that spoke of candor, warmth and sincerity instead of annihilation and death.
"Asuma was one lucky bastard." He told her once. "Too bad luck always runs out so quickly for us shinobis. Had he survived, he would probably have been the happiest man alive."
She stared at him quietly for a long while before she finally averted her gaze, not before Kakashi caught glimpse of tell-tale tears glinting softly, like an evening star. "I wish he was still here. I wish I was there to protect him." She murmured softly. "It gets kind of… lonely without him."
"I am sorry." He said, genuinely rueful as he caught her wayward tear on his thumb, tracing her cheek slowly and she held her breath, savoring his feather-light touch. "We are all lonely here. I guess it kind of makes it little less lonely, don't you think, to share our loneliness with each other?"
"I suppose." She agreed.
"How much did you love him?" He had to know. He closed his eyes as he waited for her answer, almost holding his breath, knowing that Asuma would always be between them, his friend, his comrade, his obstacle.
"As much as I loved you."
He opened his eyes abruptly and peered at her from above his mask, bewildered. She never looked more exquisite than she did then, with her tousled dark hair cascading down her shoulder like dark waterfalls through the night and her eyes like two bright jewels, glittering expectantly, enticingly. The use of past tense wasn't lost on him and he briefly remembered those days they had spent together, the days that seemed like short spells of summer rains to him now. He looked away from her evasively, the red of her eyes too intense for him. "You loved me?" He said at last.
"Once." She replied.
"Are you sure that wasn't pity, Kurenai?"
"Yes I am quite sure."
"Why?" His eyes were livid now, demanding and somehow angry. "You never knew the real me. I am always behind this mask."
"But I did know you." She forced her lips into a wistful smile. "I saw what was behind that mask. You couldn't hide it from me."
"Oh really?" He leaned forward slowly, inexorably, until he was barely an inch away from her penetrating eyes, so close that he could clearly hear her sharp intake of breath at their sudden proximity, proximity that was rapidly becoming intoxicating. "What did you see behind this mask, Kurenai?" he breathed out in a soft, silky voice.
Kurenai tried to back away but his strong arms went around her waist, trapping her in place, effectively tackling her desire to escape from the overwhelming, tangible intensity of his searching gaze. "Tell me," he sighed coaxingly when she stayed quiet and then tightened his hold when she started struggling. "I won't let you go unless you answer. Can you still see what you saw behind my mask back then?"
"Yes." She breathed out, yielding at last. "I see more and more of it every day."
"So can you love me again then?"
She stiffened and didn't answer right away. "You… you said you didn't want to be healed, that you wanted to atone."
"You were right at that time." He closed his eyes and buried his face in the crook of her neck where he could feel her pulse, as if it had always been there for him. Her scent was mesmerizing. "I was running away but I am tired now, tired of hiding from my sins and mistakes behind this mask... The only way to atone my sins is not to kill more but to make someone happy. I realize that now." He lifted his face and looked searchingly in her eyes again.
With trembling fingers, she reached up and gently tugged at the mask that covered his face until it came down in her hands. He didn't try to stop her but observed her inscrutably. She held her breath as she beheld the face of the man who had finally decided to accept his fate, to face it with renewed strength and it was beautiful. She ran her tentative fingers against his cheekbones, his chiseled jaw, and the edge of his slightly chapped lips before he brought his face down and covered her soft red lips with his own with wild exigency. She gasped with onslaught of sensations that took over her and then she was drowning slowly into the iridescence of colors that transformed into the flashes brighter than his chidori and rained down on her. It had been a long time since she had felt as safe as she did in his arms, clinging to his wide chest, growing more demanding and greedy. "Ka-kashi." She gasped as his insatiable lips left hers and trailed along her jaw, down the column of her throat and towards her collarbones, leaving trail of fire behind.
"Say it." He whispered in her ear, making her shiver and running his fingers through her hair. "Can you love me again?"
"Baka." She let out a smile and wrapped her hands around his neck firmly, her lips caressing the hollow under his jaw. "I… I love you already."
He bit her sensitive earlobe in response, satisfied with her reply and with the way she pressed herself against him suddenly, arching her back in response, taking in his wild scent of forest and trees. He let go of her for a while and stepped away from her, grinning. "What? Are you going to read Icha Icha paradise to me now?" She asked playfully.
His grin turned into a seductive smirk, as he wrenched away the mask from his neck and pulled off his dark undershirt and jounin vest. "Nah, I would rather show you what I read."
She wrinkled her pretty nose. "Jiraiya sensei's fantasies? That wouldn't be a very good idea."
"On the contrary, I think that would be a perfect idea." She gasped with sheer pleasure as he jerked her against his hard chest. Her fingers lightly danced along his heated skin, exploring the grooves of his throat, along his chest where his heart thudded wildly and he grabbed her hand to still her movements, because he was going insane and couldn't take it anymore. His hungry lips attacked hers and his needy hands and lips explored her desperately, tasting her and clinging to her as if he was looking for a place where he could hang on to, an anchor of some sort to keep himself from drowning again in the abyss that he had always known.
The red of her eyes and her name swirled around him, overpowering him and he could almost see his whole life flash by. Just what the fuck had he been doing whole his life when he could have had this any time? The crimson ecstasy, that could vanquish his wildest and the most terrifying nightmares of crimson gore and screams, the avalanche of mistakes that he had buried himself under; everything seemed trivial and pointless now as he let himself drown in the overwhelming sensations Kurenai evoked in him with her mere warmth. The red stars of resurrection seemed to burst on his sky and then they rained down like shimmering meteors on his world that was calm and entirely peaceful for the first time in his life.
She was his sanctuary; he knew that now and no one was going to take her away from him, not Asuma, Obito, Rin or his father. Hell, he had wasted his whole life on them but now he was going to be selfish. He was going to be happy.
He stroked her hair gently and then leaned over to brush his lips against her temple while she sighed contentedly. "We have had our share of pain." He whispered. "Now I will make us happy."
"Does that mean… Do you love me?"
For some reasons, he laughed at that and the voice of his mirth was enthralling. "Probably had from the day you made me that damned scarf."
"Hmm," She smiled sleepily at that, and looked at him with her enchanting, lantern-like eyes that had become his whole world now, before slipping into the world of dreams.
Next time she saw him, not only had he permanently taken off his mask, he was wearing the red scarf she had knitted for him years ago before he joined Anbu. She gasped with surprise. "You didn't throw it away?"
He took umbrage at that. "What do you think of me? I am not callous enough to throw away the presents even if they are of red color."
"Why do you dislike red so much?" She demanded so seriously that he chuckled.
"I don't dislike red." He stared right into her eyes with such feral intensity the she blushed and felt almost lightheaded. "On the contrary, I love red now."
"So this scarf… It is no longer a noose?"
"This damned scarf is still a noose." He smirked devilishly at her confused expressions. "But it's going to become different kind of noose. Noose of matrimony."
Her eyes widened and she covered her mouth with her hands with daze. "Are you… is this your idea of proposing to me?"
"Of course it is." He grinned arrogantly.
"Well, it is a very dumb idea." She laughed and her voice was like tinkling bells. "How pathetic and unromantic."
"So… what is your answer?"
She reached out and grabbed both sides of his crimson scarf tightly in her hands, pulling his face closer to hers. "Well, I am never going to let this noose off your neck then and you will be forever my prisoner. I hope you have thought it through."
"I have, Kurenai."
She shivered at the way her name rolled over his tongue and smiled, tugging at his scarf, finally pulling his face down into a sweet kiss. "Fine then. I will marry you."
How do you build a home? He used to wonder. If it was a place where you spent most of your life in, then for a shinobi its walls was forever painted in crimson, with moans and sighs of pain in place of the gentle breeze, with trees of death growing all around, encroaching on everything they held dear and precious. But if it was the place where they spent their happiest moments, no matter how infinitesimal or fleeting they seemed and sowed the seeds of a different tree, tree of their most cherished memories, then the red in her eyes was definitely home.