Stupid

Disclaimer: I have no rights to Hey Arnold or to the song 'Stupid' by Sarah Mclachlan

A/N: I love this song and I thought it would be nice to incorporate it in a Hey Arnold scenario. I hope you enjoy and please review!

~Night lift up the shades

Let in the brilliant light of morning

but steady there now

for I am weak and starving for mercy~

The break of dawn is approaching, and ending the endless night I have endured without my beloved. Nevertheless, I must bear it alone...I must remain here in my lonely cocoon and weather the storm... in misery. I do pray that by morning, he will come through the door and save me from the inevitable surge of pain that I'm about to endure if he does not return. Sadly, this time, I can feel it in my bones...it's different.

Why am I alone? Funny you should ask. Long story short... Arnold has left me. Yep! That's right the hair-boy up and went. It came rather unexpectedly. He just came in one day, avoiding any eye contact with me, and his face stressed. I noticed he had a suitcase in his hands that he momentarily put down by the door. What's going on? Is he going out of town? I thought it strange he made no mention of it since he's always been straight-forward and direct. I knew something was wrong, but when he said 'Helga...we need to talk', I no longer needed to hear what he had to say, I knew it was over. We were over.

~sleep has left me alone

to carry the weight of unraveling where we went wrong~

Last night, I couldn't sleep for fear that I might dream those sweet dreams of the past, where we would lie together in the greenest of grass captured in each others embrace. We would stare at the clouds in quiet bliss and just think about everything and nothing at all. After awhile I turned on my side towards Arnold and gazed into his loving green eyes in amazement. Of all the women on this earth possible to choose from...he chose me! I felt so lucky and blessed at that moment that I began to uncontrollably giggle. He looked at me tenderly at my girlish antics and sent me the most beautiful smile, then pecked my crinkled nose.

But alas, he is no longer here now; maybe I was the wrong choice. I sat there on my bed thinking: Where did we go wrong? How and when did it come to this? Was it me? Was it him? Was I too clingy? Or maybe too forceful? Did he really love me?

~it's all I can do to hang on

to keep me from falling

into old familiar shoes~

Throughout our years together I've changed. Of course, I changed I mean I couldn't stay the bully forever. With time, I matured. I no longer was the angry and vindictive little girl I used to be. After my confession at FTi, I decided to open myself up to him albeit gradually, but nevertheless I took the chance. We became really good friends then. My change made me blossom into an extraordinary young woman, according to Dr. Bliss. And as I grew and had my head on straight (so to speak) she no longer saw the need for me to go see her. Although, now I wish I could.

Don't get me wrong, my make-over as I call it didn't make me go all soft, that's just not my style. I am not about to let people walk all over me. Are you kidding? After all the torment I have inflicted on people, if I was a push over they will eat me alive…..Oh no, not gonna happen Bucko. Old Betsy and the five avengers still make an appearance every now and then, but only when it's justified. And here's the kicker for ya, Arnold approves of it. Weeeell, only when guys try to take advantage of me or when they hassle me. He gets riled up as well when guys would make a pass at me. Go figure!

We became very close in high school, Arnold and I. And one day, I have ..no idea how it happened but he cornered me in his room and got real close. He stared at me with passion and love in his eyes and said he wanted more than a friendship. I have never seen him this way, he looked nervous yet flirtatious. I was flabbergasted, and excited at the same time. But...I expressed to him my reluctance to move forward into a relationship, because I was afraid of what it would do to our friendship. At least that's what I told him. The real reason was that I was afraid...afraid of getting hurt. So I insisted we should remain friends. And we did stay as friends. But Arnold had other plans in mind (somehow I expected that, he was always a persistent little fellow), he began to pursue me relentlessly until I caved in. It took awhile but I did. I had to be sure. What? You thought I would just make it easy for him? Heck no! He made me wait, I just... wanted him to have the same thirst for me that I had for him. He was relentless though, I give him props for that. I always love that about him. Unfortunately, his thirst for me is gone; I guess I was not enough to quench it.

Anyway, his explanation for breaking up with me was that he felt he was missing out on life. He explained that he didn't want to hold me back while he was gone; that I should move on. He said he felt that he didn't know who he was with me in the picture.

He...needed to find himself. Oh man! That is such a cliché.

I told him that I know who he is. I said, "You're the man I fell in love with", but he said that I didn't understand what he was trying to tell me. He said that who he is now is what people expected of him. I didn't understand why he felt this way. What brought this on? I thought. No matter how much I tried to convince him to stay he wouldn't. His mind was made up. It's no use fighting it.

Stupid football head! What goes on in that oblong shaped head of his, I'll never know.

So once again I caved in but this time...I had to let him go.

So what now? Where do I go from here? It's been awhile since I've been without him. Long ago I probably would have been able to cope, but this time it's different, I'm different.

I can't go back to what I used to be. Right now, I feel I should bring back up those walls to protect me once again. But is it worth it now to be feared, hated, and sheltered from the outside world? And if I can go back, how do I? It's been 12 years since I've been that girl.

~how stupid could I be

a simpleton could see

that you're no good for me

but you're the only one I see~

How could I have been so stupid to think that Arnold and I would last. Ha! I'm surprised he stayed this long. We've been together for four years, 6 months, and 17 days. And now my childhood fear has materialized. Even though I was young, I had a feeling that Arnold and I, together, would turn out in disaster. We were constantly against each other. We were total opposites. When we were young, I was cruel and malicious, and he was kind and forgiving.

At times, I felt unworthy of his presence, and yet I couldn't keep myself away. My weakness was that I got too close. I reached for the dream, attained it, and lived it for awhile only to get severely burned in process.

When he closed the door to our apartment and left, hours later it finally sunk in. I cried my eyes out till I couldn't cry anymore. I felt empty, void of feelings and then... came daybreak. My heart still aches for him. Why does it hurt so much? Does it hurt him as well? If it does he sure doesn't seem to show it! There I go crying again. I feel so...lost. Questions continue to overflow my brain giving me a headache. Where do I go from here? Will I love again? All I know is the old Helga would have never taken that leap, requited love...what a crock, she would say. She was content to only dream. And yet... it gave her the hope that she never knew would have been realized, although short-lived.

~love has made me a fool

it set me on fire and watched as I floundered

unable to speak

except to cry out and wait for your answer~

I was naïve to fall in love so young, but I did. The moment his deep sea green eyes were fixed into my baby blues I was enchanted. Hook line and sinker over the moon gaga...well...you get the point. More so, I fell deeper when he complimented my pink bow. At his spoken words, I was bound to him forever. No other man could compare to 'My Arnold'. And no one ever will. He's unlike any other. And I can't ever replace him. I have waited for him all my life and I'm not sure if I can truly let him go.

~but you come around in your time

speaking of fabulous places

create an oasis

dries up as soon as you're gone

you leave me here burning

in this desert without you~

We were seventeen years old and a couple.

I remember when we both sat on the pier shoulder to shoulder our legs dangling over the edge, overlooking Elk Island. Displayed before us was the evanescent sunset against the formerly blue sky. The view created a very romantic atmosphere in which Arnold and I exchanged I love you's for the first time. We sealed the moment with a delicate lingering kiss. I sigh, "haaahh!Those were the best kind of kisses". Anyway on with the story. Then, we talked about our futures, our fantasies, and ambitions. Arnold spoke of a dream he had for us. He envisioned us together, traveling the world and going on adventures. As he talked, I saw a gleam in his eyes as he described the many things we would do. His desire was to see and experience new things…with me of all people. He always had a sense of adventure. Arnold always wanted to explore and discover new things…..he's a dreamer. He must have inherited it from his parents.

Unfortunately, dreams don't last and reality takes over. After high school, we had so many responsibilities we had to take care of that we were unable to even ponder those dreams. Arnold had the boarding house and his grandparents to take care of and on top of that he was a full-time college student working in order to earn his degree. I myself had a part-time job along with school, and to top it all off, on most occasions my time was spent taking care of Bob, who recently suffered a stroke. It was inevitable, with all the challenges life throws out. Transitioning into adulthood changes things especially dreams. I guess we never stood a chance. The gleam in his eyes was gone. That's when I understood what he meant. He wasn't meant for this kind life... like I said he's a dreamer.

~everything changes

everything falls apart

can't stop to feel myself losing control

but deep in my senses I know~

A new day has come and right now the day stops for no one. I head off to work and later on to school. There's no more us, just….me. I'm facing new challenges without Arnold's support. The day proved to be strenuous without his encouraging calls or a text reminding me how much he loves me. My focus has withered along with my confidence. I'm on the edge of a nervous breakdown, with no remedy to make it cease. My only hope is that I can make it through the day without breaking out into sobs when someone asks me 'How's Arnold?' I try to hold on to the memories we had...I'm holding on to Arnold hoping he'll change his mind and come back. As days turn into weeks and weeks turn into months, still nothing. All I can do is hope. But in the back of mind... I know he's right...it is time to move on. And eventually ...I will.

The End

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