Glad I'm not the only person just obsessively writing fanfic lately. It's basically the only thing keeping me sane until we hear the final decision so…expect A LOT. I had to force myself to watch the scene for this fic and yep, still terrible.
I am completely exhausted trying to convince myself that you satisfy me.
I worked so hard at this experiment, Walter, I really did. It is over.
Paige couldn't catch her breath.
Her eyes slipped closed, her fingers curling almost painfully into the sheets. Walter's voice was a little fuzzy, a little distant, as his hand came up to her cheek. "Paige?"
"I'm okay." She shook her head, forcing her eyes back open. "I'm okay."
"You're not okay. You're crying," he murmured.
Paige wiped her face, surprised to find the same dampness on her skin that he'd clearly felt. He moved onto his knees and leaned back, slipping out of her and laying at her side. Paige pulled the sheets over her body self-consciously, tipping her head back against the pillow. "Sorry. I'm sorry, I'm ruining this."
"Don't apologize. Did I hurt you?"
He'd never hurt her any of the times they were intimate. Walter was too cautious for that. And even though it had been a few months and he had to be equally as wound as she was, if not more, he'd taken plenty of time to make sure she was ready for him.
She was, physically. Her body already felt his absence, and she squeezed her legs together to try and alleviate some of the tension building there. But her brain was another story.
"No. Of course not," she said, placing a hand on his chest and looking up at him. "I'm alright. I just need a minute."
The genius swallowed, the insecurity he'd been wearing on his face all night deepening even further. "We don't have to do this. I-It's okay if you're not ready. We just got back together and I know there's a lot of—."
"Walter, stop." She shifted onto her side to face him more comfortably, sliding her hand up to his neck. Paige could feel him relax slightly into her touch. "You're not rushing me. Or doing anything wrong. I just…" She bit her lip. "I-I don't know. I got overwhelmed. The last few days…the last few months…have been so much. A-And then the emotions of all this, us being together…"
She trailed off, and Walter rested his hand on the curve of her waist, over the sheets. "I'm serious. We don't have to. I'm…" He took a deep breath and Paige felt a pang of guilt that he had to show such restraint for her when his need was so visibly intense. "I'll survive, Paige."
"I want to," she assured him, stretching to place a light kiss on his lips. "I've missed this. I've missed you. It's…" Paige scrambled to find the right words. She had to say something fast if there was any chance of salvaging their night. "I c-can't stop thinking about what I said to you. When I was gone, it was easy to push that down. To pretend every awful insult I hurled at you was earned because you'd lied to me. And now I can't. Not…not seeing you, remembering how good being with you was. Is. I want to make love to you and all I can think about is how cruel I was and how you probably never should have forgiven me."
Walter frowned. "You've already apologized. Multiple times."
"I didn't say it was rational." She sighed. "I'm so angry. A-At myself," Paige clarified when Walter's brows furrowed. "I let my insecurities destroy everything that was good in my life, and I hate that we spent so much time apart. I hate that I told you we would be okay and then I turned on you. I hate that I picked you apart in front of the team when I didn't even mean that stuff. I wanted you to be as devastated as I was and that's not…that's n-not what you do when you love someone."
Walter nodded, quiet for a moment as he processed her explanation. "Are you concerned that I haven't forgiven you? Because by that logic I suppose I should be concerned that you haven't actually forgiven me for my mistakes."
She huffed out a quiet laugh, shaking her head. "I forgave you, Walter. I should've forgiven you then." Paige blinked as tears welled in her eyes again. "I haven't forgiven myself. I almost drove your whole life into the ground because I was being selfish and petty. I never thought I would do that to you. Not after everything else you've been through."
He stared at her. God she was stupid, she'd stirred up everything they finally laid to rest, and any second now he would realize this was a mistake and walk out. Who would she have to blame if he did?
Walter swallowed. "B-Before that, you saved my company. Taught me to connect with people. Brought Ralph into my life. Showed me that I was capable of, uh, e-experiencing love." He pressed his lips together. "I don't…I don't w-want one incident to negate four years. It wasn't good. And I wish I could forget it, but I can't. But I also can't forget anything else that's happened since we met."
She felt the same. Even if she was temporarily blinded by everything Florence, she'd been unable to forget Walter saving her from a soul-crushing job, giving her a place in her son's world, risking his life a dozen times to protect her. The good had always outweighed the bad—she wouldn't have fallen in love with him otherwise. And as many times as she laid awake at night, trying to pretend those things didn't matter anymore, she'd never been successful.
Paige stroked his jaw, affection in his eyes she thought she would never see directed at her again. "I'm afraid we'll make all the same mistakes. I'm afraid of the scenario in which this just doesn't work."
"So am I," he admitted with a small nod. "But we can learn. On a case, when something doesn't work, we regroup. We make a new plan. And we keep trying because the alternative isn't an option. The alternative…not being with you…" Walter exhaled heavily. "I d-don't want that to be an option."
"Me neither." Quitting had been easy when other people in her life disappointed her. It was nothing to convince herself that her life was better without them. But her life hadn't been better without Walter. Not in any way she could measure.
She'd never run when things seemed impossible with Ralph. She stayed and she fought through it. She would just have to figure out how to do the same for Walter.
Feeling her breathing slow and her mind clear, Paige captured his lips in a deep kiss, drawing his body against hers. She'd missed his arms. More than the sex, the release, she missed how it felt when he held her. His warmth. For someone who had barely kept her head above water for more than a decade, it was indescribable, losing herself in someone else and trusting them to take care of her.
And she did trust him. She had to. If she couldn't trust Walter, who else in the world would be more deserving?
Paige wiggled closer, grinding herself against him, and Walter groaned, breaking the kiss. "Are you sure?" he asked, his voice strained.
"Yes." After their earlier intermission, she knew he would need clear consent from her. And maybe it wouldn't hurt to take the lead so he knew she was comfortable. "Roll over."
Walter shifted onto his back and Paige swung her leg over his, palms on the mattress as she straddled him. She liked this position for the view it afforded her. Even when he tried to restrain himself, she could read Walter's expressions like an open book and she loved watching him gradually fall apart beneath her.
She rocked her hips, slowly, working them both up to where they'd been before. Walter latched onto her hips, his fingers digging into her skin to—most likely—refrain from pushing her down where he wanted her. Paige leaned in, kissing him again, sighing as he reciprocated fervently. One hand rested on his cheek while the other reached between them, stroking him a few times before Paige guided him inside her, reveling in his groan against her lips.
Her body protested slightly—she hadn't taken in anything larger than her fingers while they were apart—and Walter rubbed her back soothingly as she lowered down, exhaling when her muscles relaxed. He was breathing through his nose, needing oxygen but unwilling to stop kissing her. Paige nipped at his bottom lip, soothing it with her tongue as she moved on him at a pace that wouldn't force them apart.
"I love you," she murmured, smiling at the familiar flicker of emotion in his eyes. Paige didn't know if she would ever say that again, to him, to anyone. But she wanted to. God, she'd wanted to.
She circled her hips before sinking down on him completely, moaning quietly at the sensation. It was so much like their first time—the uncertainty, the relief—except now they knew each other's bodies, knew exactly how they fit together. Walter's fingers curled into her hips as he thrust up into her, betraying how close he was even before he groaned her name.
"It's okay," she whispered near his ear, pushing her hands up through his hair. He'd already held back once for her tonight. She wouldn't ask him to do it again. "Let go, Walter."
Paige slid down, gasping as he bucked into her, managing half a dozen more thrusts until he shuddered under her, holding her tightly against him. He shut his eyes, drawing in rough breaths until his heart stopped pounding and his shaking subsided.
She reluctantly lifted off of him, stretching out on the bed as Walter disposed of the condom in the trash. He slid back in beside her, kissing her briefly. "What do you need?"
"Your hand," she said, sweeping her hair to the side and pressing her back against his front. Walter brushed his lips over her shoulder before sliding his hand between her legs, wisely opting not to tease her tonight. He traced her entrance once, twice, before slipping a finger inside. "Shit," she whined under her breath, pushing down against his hand. "Walter."
The second finger entered her easily—she was almost embarrassingly wet, which was one of the reasons she hadn't asked for his mouth on her. Mostly, though, she'd just wanted more contact with him. Instead of only being able to reach his hair, she could feel every inch of his body against hers, and she needed that desperately after their prolonged separation.
He curled his fingers into her, missing the exact spot she was aching for him to touch, and Paige placed her hand over his, guiding it slightly upward. Walter took the cue, rubbing her with his middle finger, and Paige trembled, sparks blurring her vision. She loosened her grip as he withdrew his fingers almost completely and slid them back in, his thumb gently working her clit. His lips locked onto her neck, locating the area he knew she was most sensitive, and it felt like seconds before the combined stimulation pushed her over the edge.
"Oh my god," she breathed, tipping her head against his shoulder. Walter grabbed a tissue from the nightstand, cleaning off his hand before wrapping his arm back around her, his palm on her stomach.
"Are you okay?" he asked, looking down at her with the same concern as their first night. She guessed, in a way, this was a second first time. A fresh start. It needed to be, if they had any hope of doing things differently.
"More than okay," she said, offering him a peaceful smile. "Can we just stay like this for a while?"
Walter nodded, pulling her close and burying his head in her neck. "Whatever you want."