He always went to Ichimatsu first, when the mission was a success.
It wasn't because Ichimatsu made the cold, sick feeling in his stomach go away, but because he makes the ache in the space behind his ribs hurt a little more, and it dulls the nausea in comparison.
As usual, Karamatsu found him in the shades of the family garden. Vines spun itself into a makeshift canopy above the rows of blue mornings glory, and among them, the dark figure against a sea of colour, was Ichimatsu.
This place didn't used to be so beautiful.
It had been a tiny vegetable garden when the Matsunos bought the property, barren of any care and work out into it. But for some reason, out of all of the siblings it had been Ichimatsu with the green thumb. He took to gardening like he'd been born knowing how to do it. Fertilizing the soil, pruning shrubbery so they were neat and rounded, carefully hand picked colours for flower beds. That dark persona Ichimatsu liked to put up was all the more endearing, when you learned of the delicate heart that buried itself deep among thorned roses.
The man himself was sitting on a little wooden stool, petting a long haired cat in his lap with long, indulging strokes. The faint smile on Ichimatsu's face and the cat's steady purring made it hard to tell who was enjoying the petting more. Those long and slender fingers, so often soaked in blood, rubbed gentle circles behind the cat'a ears.
Watching from a careful distance, Karamatsu waited in silence. Karamatsu knew the younger was aware of his presence, but he had to wait for his turn.
Karamatsu was favouring his left side, unable to help himself. A grunt had gotten in a good kick. The ribs on his right felt bruised, maybe broken. He hadn't bothered to check. The wounds of the flesh could wait.
"How bad is it?" Ichimatsu slanted half lidded eyes toward him, finally acknowledging his existence. His expression was tranquil; the black and purple dress shirt he wore wrapped snugly against his torso, making his skin seem even more pale. Ichimatsu didn't tan very well; he freckled.
Inhaling a steadying breath, Karamatsu gritted out, "The...the mission was a-"
"-Success, I know." Ichimatsu cut him off. "Or else you wouldn't be here without visiting Choromatsu first, idiot. So, how bad is it?" He repeated impatiently.
"It was bad. I had to...I had to kill five people." Karamatsu could still see their faces, brows contorted into terror, as Karamatsu shot them between the eyes. Quick, painless, his last mercy. "There were...children too. I couldn't save them" Karamatsu's voice cracked.
"Did you have to kill them? Or did you fuck up?" Ichimatsu said dispassionately, dangling a dried fish stick above the cat while it reached for it with lazy interest. His words made Karamatsu flinch. But as always, Ichimatsu was the one to ask logical questions.
"N-no. The children were dead when I got there." Except they weren't. They must've known their gig was up, because the children were still warm. One had been whimpering, when Karamatsu got there. They were shot hastily, with too many bullets in non vital organs.
Witnesses, that's all they were.
"Then it was a job well done," Ichimatsu told him, and Karamatsu wanted to cry. "The enemies are dead, good riddance. Stop it with the fucking moping already, Shittymatsu," Ichimatsu said coldly, watching Karamatsu break down internally. "Sorry about the kids. But there was nothing you could've done. No use crying over spilled milk." That had been as far as comforting goes, for Ichimatsu.
Karamatsu let the words wash over him. They settled over his bones like heavy lead, and felt his mind come back from the very faraway place it went to, as the pounding of his heart got louder, more painful behind his ribcage.
It never got easier, this job.
But Karamatsu was good at it. His hands never shook when he fired a gun, and his face didn't let anything on when he watched them fall.
Karamatsu was good at killing people. But he hadn't the stomach for it.
It might've been him going through the motions, it might be his cheeks splattered with someone's blood. But he's not home behind the eyes. Vacant. He dissociates so hard that when he comes back, he didn't recognize his own hands. He remembered every single person he killed, but not what benefit it brought his family by killing them. And he remembered the faces of each of those he couldn't save, but not the girl Todomatsu was dating this month.
Osomatsu had always called him soft. But he said it like it was a gift; like it was worth the awed tone in his brother's voice.
"But how that be a good thing?" Karamatsu had cried, tears staining the clean, pressed lines of Osomatsu's white shirt.
"Because when I see you," Osomatsu had told him. "It makes me remember that each one of us is just human too. And that you're more so than all of us."
But Karamatsu hadn't wanted to be human, if this was what it meant. He wanted to be like Osomatsu, who's smile never cracked. He wanted to be like Choromatsu, who looked at the world so often through statistics and patterns, that he stopped seeing the bodies left behind. Or like Ichimatsu, who could hang his guilt and nerves on the hanger at the door. Like Jyushimatsu, who was able to laugh loud enough that he convinced himself that he was happy. Like Todomatsu, who believed the end justified the means.
Osomatsu had shook his head ruefully. "But I love you for you," he'd said, surprisingly frank. "As Karamatsu, who broke his heart believing in the good in people. Who walks out the door again and again knowing he'll come back a little more broken each time. Who never hesitates, when he knew there's a chance he could save a life."
Karamatsu didn't tell him it was because he thought his life would be finally worth something, if others lived because of him.
"Here, come pet Ringo," Ichimatsu said after a while. Karamatsu started.
His younger brother was very fond of his cats, but he wasn't very fond of Karamatsu. The guarded irritation his brother had for him faded over the years, but Ichimatsu was still an allusive creature. If he was letting him the privilege of coming near his darlings, Karamatsu might've looked worse off than usual.
Coming closer to the cat, Karamatsu called out softly, "Hey, hey Ringo." Reaching a hand out slowly, Karamatsu indulged in the silky sensation of the cat's glossy coat. He smiled faintly when Ringo purred under his touch.
Ichimatsu was watching him silently, the usual distaste at the corner of his lips slowly fading away. "Go find Jyushimatsu and spar," he said. "He's still benched from his head injury two weeks ago. But he should be fit enough to spar with you." He smirked without malice. "And maybe you'll finally have a chance to beat him this time."
Karamatsu nodded gratefully, and ruffled his younger brother's hair as he stood up. "Thanks Ichimatsu. You always know just what to say to mend my distraught heart," he said lightly.
Ichimatsu batted his hand away with a harrumph. "Gross, Shittymatsu. Get your disgusting metaphors away from me," he said, then added tentatively. "Buy me a new set of knives, will you? I lost mine on the last mission."
"Your wish is my command, my brother," Karamatsu laughed, and carefully didn't ask him how he lost them.
Karamatsu wandered back indoors through the patio and headed for the gym. On the way there, he grabbed the bottle of acetaminophen from a bathroom cabinet.
He was going to need it, when Jyushimatsu was done with him.
Surprisingly, Jyushimatsu wasn't in the gym, but hanging out with Totty in his office.
"Hello my dear brothers. I have returned." Karamatsu asked from the doorway with a smile. It was a one eighty in attitude, he knew. But playing a part was something so intrinsic in his personality, that he didn't know how to just be himself anymore. And anyway, his brothers knew it and took it in stride. "My Jyushimatsu! Will you spar with big brother?" he asked hopefully.
Said brother was chewing on some rice cakes and drinking tea as he watched Todomatsu work computer magic. He looked like he was having the time of his life. Jyushimatsu's eyes lit up even further when he saw Karamatsu.
"Karamatsu nii-san! You're back," he said, flailing an empty handed sleeve around excitedly. Karamatsu could feel his smile grow more genuine by the second. "Of course of course! Sparring is good for growing muscle muscle! Hustle hustle!" Jyushimatsu hopped up from the bench and bounced out of the room while Totty watched on with amusement, fingers still typing rapidly on his keyboard.
The youngest gave Karamatsu an understanding smile. "Don't go too hard on yourself okay, nii-san?" He was too perceptive for his own good.
"I won't, don't worry," Karamatsu said without missing a beat. After all, as the older sibling, he needed to try not worry the younger.
And if Karamatsu turned around without seeing Todomatsu's worried grimace, well, that was all for the best, really.
Karamatsu staggered as another punch caught him in the chin, panting heavily as pain blossomed from a sharp sting to a dull, bruising ache. Sweat was dripping down across his forehead, and stinging his eyes when he blinked. His tank top was soaked through in the back.
But his stance never wavered. The endorphins made the pain in his side a distant memory.
Jyushimatsu had his fists up, head held high and manic grin on his face. It wasn't proper form at all. They all received private coaching, but when they came out of it, Jyushimatsu had developed something of his own style. All wildly swinging limbs and unpredictable footwork.
It was crazy and it was effective. Karamatsu's by the book style didn't stand a chance.
But today winning wasn't the goal. And Jyushimatsu knew that people didn't come spar with him to chance their luck. People came to him to lose.
And Karamatsu needed to lose so badly right now.
He needed it to hurt.
"Dear Jyushimatsu, I know you're holding back," Karamatsu said between pants, bouncing a little on the balls of his feet. "If you spar with your full strength I'll buy you that new set of insect encyclopedias I know you were looking at."
"Really?" Jyushimatsu said excitedly. "I got it! Full strength home run mode, on!"
And it really was like a switch was flipped on.
Something behind Jyushimatsu's eyes flickered. Behind his light brown irises was something hungry and patient and blood thirsty. Karamatsu knew that Jyushimatsu had something of a sadistic streak. The boy enjoyed a good sparring session a little more than was appropriate. But he was also the sweetest thing, and refused to hurt other people without good reason. It was why Jyushimatsu was only sent on very few missions, as a last resort and when there was no question the target was the scum of the earth.
Karamatsu couldn't understand how someone could get a kick of seeing others in pain. But he also knew Jyushimatsu; who was kind, thoughtful, and always stifled the darkness inside of him until all that others could see was the sunny exterior. It didn't work on Karamatsu, though. There was too much of himself he could see in Jyushimatsu.
But it was fine. Jyushimatsu's sadistic streak could have an outlet, and Karamatsu could...feel a little something other than self-loathing. It was a win-win.
Another fist made its way past his defences and shoved into Karamatsu's abdomen. He gasped as the air was knocked out of him, and didn't have the strength to block the kick that followed. It cracked white hot pain into his side, and Karamatsu fell to his knees as strength escaped him.
"Nii-san?" Jyusmatsu said nervously, fists lowering.
"'M fine," Karamatsu said, which came out like a croak. He cleared his throat. "Keep going, I can take it." He pushed himself back up to his feet with only slightly shaking hands.
Taking a few deep breathes, Karamatsu closed the distance between them, trying for a hook and jab combo, but Jyushimatsu dodged easily, parrying with an elbow aimed at his torso.
He saw it coming, and Karamatsu had enough momentum to block it. But the adrenaline flooding in his veins and the fast thumping of his heart was too familiar, and he remembered one of the children - blank stared and stained chest, a little red around the eyes from the crying, the horror, of what he had to endure before he-
Karamatsu let the hit land.
It impactd, hard. Karamatsu couldn't help the strangled groan that escaped his lips as the sharp bend of Jyushimatsu's elbow joint dug into flesh. Blood felt like it was rushing down, down, and away from his brain, his vision going black for a split second-
"-nii-san! Karamatsu nii-san!" Jyushimatsu was shouting, no...crying. The sound far away and like it was spinning. Karamatsu squeezed his eyes tightly, then opened them a crack.
"I'm sorry! I'm sorry! I didn't mean to-!" Jyushimatsu was holding him in an embrace, huge tear drops slid down his face. Karamatsu's heart twinged to think that he was the cause of the fear and distress in his brother's voice. He shouldn't have done that.
"J-jyushimatsu, it's okay. It's not your fault. I was being clumsy. Please don't cry. Don't cry, my dear Jyushimatsu." He pushed himself up with some struggle, and wiped at Jyushimatsu's face with a sleeve.
"Ssh- big brother is sorry. I won't do this anymore." I won't punish myself by using you anymore. "I promise, I promise."
"Nnhn-" Jyushimatsu buried his face in Karamatsu's neck. "Okay nii-san. Thank you."
"Want to help me up? We can go watch Todomatsu hack the Chinese government again."
"Okay!" Jyushimatsu' head bounced back up, almost slamming into Karamatsu's chin in the process. He smiled a tear stained smile. "Will you still get me that bug book?"
Karamatsu chuckled. "Of course. Whatever you want, my little Jyushimatsu."
"Hahaha, I'm bigger than you though!" Jyushimatsu said, pulling him up from the ground and showing off a bicep. Karamatsu smiled and shown off his own with a flex.
Karamatsu bantered with him until they returned to Totty's room. Upon arrival, Jyushimatsu hopped over to the bench next to Todomatsu's huge plush chair and was again fully absorbed by what was on the screen. Totty shot Karamatsu a pointed look, after taking in his fresh bruises.
"I'll visit Choromatsu right now," Karamatsu said to soothe Totty's nerves. "Why don't you two enjoy this glorious afternoon in each other's companionship?" he said, purposely ornate. It did its job and got a smile out of Totty.
Karamatsu waved and closed the door behind him. Plastered smile faltering a little now that there was no audience to show for it.
Stumbling his fingers in his pockets, Karamatsu pulled out and dry swallowed two of the pills. He then limped his way to Choromatsu's wing.
The halls that lead up to Choromatsu's room was dark and slightly cold. The sweat on the back of his shirt cooled and pressed damply against his back. Lime green lights lit up the hall in an eerie glow, and the sounds of his footsteps echoed loudly in Karamatsu's ears.
The medical wing, it was called. In reality though, everyone knew it was more like Choromatsu's personal experiment labs.
He stopped at the large wooden door at the end of the hall. Knocked twice, exact, and pushed the doors open.
"Karamatsu," the figure behind the desk said. Choromatsu's glasses were lit by the computer light. The room had a high ceiling, and light barely filtered into the concrete room from the little window near the top.
"Choromatsu," he returned.
Often, Karamatsu didn't pretend with Choromatsu the way he did with the others. Maybe it was the way Choromatsu was the one to always see him his weakest, or maybe it was because Choromatsu was the third eldest. Either way, he was one of the few people Karamatsu let his guard down with, the other being Osomatsu.
"What did you do this time?" Choromatsu sighed, and it was kind of comforting, to always be assumed the worst of. No expectations he had to meet.
"The usual, and then some."
Choromatsu looked up at that, eyes sharp and glinting. He took off his frames and folded his arms around his chest, leaning back.
"Well, come here." He beckoned Karamatsu over to his desk.
"I know it's stupid-" Choromatsu silenced that line of thought with a slashing motion of his hand. Karamatsu tried again. "I mean, I'm having some problems, can you please help me out, Choromatsu?" It was hard saying the words, but time and time again it's proven to be a necessary evil.
"Good." Choromatsu nodded. "And yes, of course. But let's deal with your injuries first, sit down."
Karamatsu sat on the make shift examination table, hands gripping the edge and swinging his feet back and forth mindlessly. Choromatsu took the time to wash his hands, put some gloves over them, and throw on his white coat.
He wasn't a real doctor, really. Choromatsu actually didn't have a degree at all. But when Osomatsu gathered the family and given each of them roles and duties that suited the family's needs, Choromatsu volunteered for scientific projects. Stuff like rigging a gun with some extra features, or engineering some useful compounds for specialized missions.
When family members started coming to him with bruises and scraps because in their rather limited understanding of just what 'science' really entailed, Choromatsu took to the new role with an almost strange fervour.
Maybe it was the thought of being useful to others directly that appealed to him, Karamatsu knew for sure it appealed to himself.
Before...mafia. Karamatsu was nobody.
No, he was less than nobody. Looking back now, he realized how ridiculous he'd been. Pretending like he was someone bigger than life, like he had any reason for people to give him the admiration he craved.
Now, he lived that life, that life of being someone that instilled respect and...fear, in those that meet his eyes, just before he ended their lives.
It was what he'd asked for, but it wasn't what he wanted at all. Irony was a cruel mistress.
Fingers prodding at his bruised ribs made Karamatsu hiss with pain, and Choromatsu tsked at him, before standing up and coming back with a pair of scissors.
He cut Karamatsu's beloved black tank top into shreds, and peeled it away from the site of injury.
Now that Karamatsu had a closer look at it, it appeared way worse than he felt. Large, purple and yellow bruises marred the pale skin, and spots of blood dotted the discolouration underneath.
"Jesus. Why didn't you come straight to me? Your ribs could've been cracked, or you could've had internal bleeding!" Choromatsu reprimanded, unrolling a line of gauze.
"It's not, I checked." On the way here, he didn't add. Karamatsu shrunk back at the glare he received in response. "I was...preoccupied by my thoughts."
Choromatsu sighed again. "Stop thinking so damn hard. You're supposed to be the blunt weapon. There's no room for sentiment in this business," he said, matter of fact.
Karamatsu ducked his head. It that was the truth, too, Karamatsu just hated hearing it.
As Choromatsu started wrapping the gauze around his torso, he paused with a start when he got to the other side. "You didn't say you were hurt here too," he accused, but his voice held genuine concern.
There was the spot that Jyushimatsu's elbow landed the solid hit, no pull. It was starting to blossom into another ugly bruise to match. Karamatsu blinked at Choromatsu helplessly. He had no excuses, but he didn't want to blame Jyushimatsu either. It had been his own fault this happened.
"You went sparring with Jyushimatsu again, didn't you?" Choromatsu said tiredly.
His turmoil was for naught, it seemed, because Choromatsu might not be the most intuitive, he was the most logical.
"Seriously lacking self preservation or something, you idiot..." Choromatsu muttered beneath his breath, checking Karamatsu the new bruise for internal damage. Karamatsu tried to not flinch at the clinical touch. It was starting to hurt deep in the bones. The acetaminophen must be wearing off.
"Alright, you're all cleaned up." Choromatsu smoothed the gauze over his torso gently. "Here," he handed Karamatsu one of his spare white tees. They were stored in bulk in the cabinet of his office, as he often worked straight through the night and managed to forget to shower. "Now, tell me about how it went."
Karamatsu didn't waste any time stalling; he didn't like talking it through; it was a sort of debrief, but he had to admit it helped.
"I was on the tail of the Ryouhei's case. Osomatsu sent me." Karamatsu checked that Choromatsu knew what he was talking about. "And I had to track down what was going on with those suspicious actives near the docks last month. I followed a guy back to his base. And..." He swallowed. "And he was trafficking kids, children. There was about ten of them there when I ran in.
"I couldn't believe it. Those kids were locked up in cages, gagged and crying. Their eyes had despair in them." Karamatsu shook his head. "You don't want to know what a seven year old that gave up on living looks like."
Choromatsu didn't say anything. His lips were pressed into a tight line, and there was something like horror in his usually calm eyes.
"I killed them all," Karamatsu breathed into the heavy silence. There, the truth was out there; for him to bare, and for the world to judge.
"Who?"
"Everyone. Those people that were negotiating for the sale of those kids, the goons that were guarding the place. And those kids-"
"You what?"
"Or as good as killed them," Karamatsu said dully, ignoring Choromatsu's outburst. He had to get it out, or he'll lose his nerve. "I missed one of the guards, and he shot the kids dead before I could even get close."
"You know that's not on you," Choromatsu said plaintively.
"Do I? Do I know that?" Karamatsu said. "Because I can't believe in that. No matter how many times I hear it." And he'd heard it plenty. "If I were just a little faster, if I paid a little more attention..."
"Karamatsu...here." Choromatsu stuffed some tissues in his hand, and Karamatsu stared at it blankly for a moment before he realized his eyes were wet.
"I think you should take some time off," Choromatsu said after a pause, as Karamatsu wiped his eyes dry. "Talk to Osomatsu. Get yourself put on some paper pushing jobs. Or even espionage. Totty can get you started. Or you can work together. This is clearly unhealthy for you."
"Yeah." Karamatsu bowed his head low clasping his hands in front of him. "Yeah."
Talking helps, definitely. But sometimes, talking about it only makes things worse.
In that moment, Karamatsu couldn't stop thinking, if only he was a little less good at his job, a little less good with his gun, then maybe he would've been the one dead instead.
"Come in!" A voice called, and Karamatsu opened the heavy wooden doors to Osomatsu's chamber. The man himself was slumped sideways in his red, plush chair, one arm dangling laxly off to one side, the other one holding a piece of paper up above his head, reading it with half lidded eyes.
"Yes?" Osomatsu drawled without looking up as Karamatsu crept in and shut the door gently. "Which one of my adorable little minions is here to see me today-? Oh."
"Osomatsu. Do you have a moment?" Karamatsu said quietly.
"Yeah. Of course. Get over here." Osomatsu's voice fell into a serious cadence. He set the document on the table and opened his arms wide, inviting.
"Thank you." Karamatsu didn't hesitate to join the eldest on the chair. There was plenty of room, and he didn't mind the closeness, craved it, even.
Osomatsu wrapped his arms around him, and Karamatsu settled against his brother's warm body, cheek tucked in the crook of his neck. Osomatsu was deceptively wiry and well built. The thin white dress shirt made him look slimmer than he was. The heat radiated off of him, and Karamatsu basked in it, eyes closed.
"So, wanna talk about it?" Osomatsu asked, running a hand through Karamatsu's hair.
"No, thank you. Choromatsu already debriefed me," Karamatsu mumbled into Osomatsu's shirt.
"Alright. Well, here's what I've been up to." Osomatsu took a deep breath, and launched into a tirade. "Can you believe what happened today? That bastard Niu actually requested me for help. Is he stupid? After sabotaging us like that on the last time we collaborated. I already gave Ichimatsu permission to kill the guy on sight..." He rambled on tirelessly into Karamatsu's ear, the half hearted complaints a reassuring patter of noise, lulling Karamatsu into some semblance of a doze. All the while, Osomatsu's arm stroked Karamatsu's back in soothing circles.
"Osomatsu, will you kiss me?" Karamatsu asked after a while, when there was a lull, and Osomatsu's chatter halted.
"Yeah, of course, Karamatsu. You don't even need to ask." He grinned and leaned down to kiss the younger, deep and wet. His mouth tasted like chocolate and wafers. Karamatsu sucked on his tongue, slick and sliding against each other, then relented control when Osomatsu prodded at his lips, letting him in.
"Nhn-" Karamatsu whimpered into the kiss. Osomatsu's hand had wandered its way down his body, past the waistband of his slacks. He massaged the growing bulge between Karamatsu's legs.
"Feels good?" Osomatsu whispered huskily when their lips parted for air.
"Mnm." Karamatsu's eyes fell closed.
"Let me hear you use your words, babe." Osomatsu wrapped his hand around Karamatsu's length, not moving, just holding it. A steady grip.
"I... Please. I want more," Karamatsu gasped, looking up at his older brother with flushed cheeks.
"Your wish is my command." Osomatsu gave him another wolfish grin, and begun pumping his cock. Karamatsu trusted upwards into the tight, hot grip, gasping. Unable to help himself.
They had done this since Osomatsu took his place as the family head. No one else had ran for the position. Every Matsuno agreed that Osomatsu was most suited for the role. Even if he wasn't the smartest, nor was he the toughest, but they knew Osomatsu was the one they could count on, to be loyal to each and every one of them. To take responsibility when it was hard to.
Although taking responsibility, didn't usually extend to sexual acts.
Karamatsu watched with anticipation as Osomatsu unbulkled his own pants. He fisted their cocks together, grip slick with Karamatsu's pre-come. Their flesh slid against each other in each thrust. It was intimate in a way not unlike penetration, seeing their most vulnerable parts pressed together, skin on skin. It was sheer bliss, to be here sharing this moment with the person he loved embracing him.
"I'm- I'm close," Karamatsu said breathlessly.
Osomatsu kissed him chastely on the lips, then licked him on the nose, once. Karamatsu blinked with confusion. "Wait for me?" Osomatsu batted his eyelashes.
"I'll try." Karamatsu smiled exasperatedly at him. Even when the lines between his brows deepened with worry, Osomatsu was still Osomatsu. He tightened his grip on Osomatsu's shirt, and the muscles in his groin, trying to stave off the pressure building up in him.
Osomatsu kept up the powerful pumps of his hand, waves of pleasure washing through him. After what felt like hours, but was probably just minutes to a person not under delicious torment, Osomatsu said the magic words. "I'm close. Let go, Karamatsu."
He squeezed his eyes shut and obeyed. Hot cum shot out from the slit, splattering onto Osomatsu's hand and their chests, streaking it milky white. Osomatsu followed soon after, joining Karamatsu as he shouted his pleasure.
His orgasm washed over him in waves, making him shudder and blanking his mind for that one, glorious moment. Everything that had wound up so tight in him, finally finding the sweet, sweet release.
"You okay, babe?" Osomatsu said after a while, after they both started to come down from the high.
Karamatsu hummed, playing with the hem of Osomatsu's shirt. He was lying limp in Osomatsu's lap, it was comfortable, and he didn't want to move. The elder took Karamatsu's shirt off, and wiped themselves clean. They were quiet for a moment, just enjoying each other's presence.
Karamatsu breathed out heavily. "Choromatsu told me to stop taking missions for a while."
Osomatsu responded after a moment of thought. "Do you want to? Because I won't stop you if you do. Ichimatsu and Jyushimatsu can pick up the slack, and Todomatsu had been itching to do some field work anyway." He turned his warm brown eyes on Karamatsu, a carefree smile on his face, like it was that easy. "The work will be there when you want it."
"I'm not sure if I want to stop," Karamatsu admitted. "I...I want to be useful. That's all."
Osomatsu blinked, like he didn't recognize Karamatsu for a second. "Useful...? You're plenty useful, Karamatsu. You clean up after the family's messes and your cooking is as good as mom's. And, I don't know," Osomatsu brushed a finger beneath his nose, surprisingly abashed. "You're a pretty good partner, too."
Karamatsu stared at him, feeling heat work it's way up his neck and to his cheeks. What they had was an informal arrangement. Osomatsu never even let on in front of the others that they were now doing the deed behind closed doors. Karamatsu had resigned himself to the fleeting nature of their relationship.
"I don't know if I'm good enough," Karamatsu said hoarsely. I don't know if I'm good enough for you to keep me.
Osomatsu's face did something complicated, then he reached out and gripped Karamatsu's shoulders, pushing him down against the softness of the chair so that he was now pressed beneath his older brother.
"Urgk- what, what are you-" Karamatsu asked, patting at Osomatsu's arms lightly, but making no other efforts of struggle.
"Shut up, stupid," Osomatsu whispered into his ear. "Do you really think I would have anyone but the best?"
Karamatsu turned his head away; it pained to hear him say that. He couldn't make himself believe it. He's afraid of being a fraud, a fake. And that was an insult to Osomatsu's good will.
Osomatsu grabbed his cheeks in a tight grip so that their eyes met, intense, desperate. He then bent his head to kiss Karamatsu. Their tongues tangled, and it was wet, heated, and unbearably sweet. They didn't part until Karamatsu felt lightheaded, and dizzy with the lack of air and pleasure.
"You're damn well good enough, Karamatsu," Osomatsu said harshly, their lips an inch apart, breathing each other's air. "Fuck off and play guitar all day, be the inner hippie you always wanted to be, or even do nothing all day, I don't give a shit. You being by my side is. good. enough." He punctuated each of his words with a jab of his finger into Karamatsu's bare chest.
The younger stared up at his partner, his boss, and his brother, eyes wide.
Sometimes, he didn't know if Osomatsu cared about him like that. With the way his brother was friendly with everyone, with the way that he smiled at Karamatsu as if he was just another one of his little brothers. With the way he wouldn't talk to anyone for days, not even Karamatsu, when something went wrong on a mission, blaming himself.
But he had been an idiot, hadn't he?
Karamatsu was the one Osomatsu confided in when he doubted his abilities to lead a whole mafia family at the tender age of twenty three. Karamatsu was the one he passed out against, in a night of drinking with their brothers, breath tinged with alcohol against his neck. Karamatsu was the one who got Osomatsu's softer, gentler smiles, because Osomatsu knew that's what he needed.
So it was okay,Karamatsu closed his eyes and thought, a smile tugging at his lips. If he was an idiot.
If he couldn't kill a person without wanting to turn the gun onto his own temple and twitch his finger.
Because he had family to come home to.
Because he had Osomatsu to come home to.