A/N: HAPPY BIRTHDAY to my friend Jessica L. Pearson aka Onlywordsnow!
Here's a fic with the prompt: "Happiness is holding someone in your arms and knowing you hold the whole world"
He's been hating his birthday ever since he saw his mom fucking the magician.
He had tried hard to erase this memory from his mind. It was on his eleventh birthday, the cake was delicious and had Oreos on top just the way he liked. His mom had invited a pretty lame magician but the man gave him and his friends Pop Rocks so that was cool. He finally got that red BMX he really wanted. He even got Walkie-Talkies to play with Marcus.
It was a beautiful sunny days and he and a few friends played outside with his new toys while the adults were gathered in lounge chairs, drinking beers, listening to his father's band playing music. Anna, that cute strawberry blonde from across the street came to find him in his backyard, gave him candies and a kiss on the cheek. He invited her to play along, feeling really old and manly. He felt something new and exciting and figured he could go splash some of that cologne his dad wore when he went on a date with his mom. His perfect day ended when he slowly opened the door to his parents' bedroom and found the fucking magician his mom had invited (he never liked magic), sitting on the bed, his mom on the floor, between his knees doing god knows why as he only saw the back of her head moving on the magician's crotch. He's pretty sure his mom hadn't seen him, she was too busy performing her own magic tricks with her mouth and the awful man had his eyes closed and was moaning, his hands pushing her head against him.
He ran away from his own birthday, hid a few miles away behind the bench of the baseball field, vomited and cried. He decided that from now on, birthdays suck. He just told his parents that he was too old for birthday parties anyway.
Now decades later he is definitely too old, that's why he can't believe it when he opens the door to his condo to see his boss, Jessica Pearson, with an apron cooking in his kitchen.
"Happy Birthday Harvey!" she says like flatly, like she greets him in his own penthouse every other day, not even bothering turning around to greet him.
Harvey is grabbing the door frame, his shoulder and back hurting a bit more than usual, he realizes that drinking just makes him feel awful now. Every birthday he drinks until he forgets about his screwed up life. He started drinking at the firm right after he told Gretchen to leave. He only had three or four drinks. Maybe getting older was starting to take his toll?
"Please, don't forget to make yourself comfortable," mocks Harvey.
She replies while getting a pan of meat out of the oven. "I know you don't celebrate your birthday. I also know, and Donna confirmed it, that you are willing to kill anyone who would try to celebrate it with you…"
He shakes his head. "…and there you are, cooking for me in my condo. Why?"
"I think you've had a rough year." She hands him a glass of wine. "I was thinking, maybe you need a friend."
He nods and takes a gulps of wine. It seems he won't be alone after all.
Harvey puts the glass on the counter. He looks at the tall woman who's stirring a pot of gravy in his kitchen like it's the most natural thing ever. Jessica is a good cook and he secretly enjoyed when she cooked for him. He would never dare comparing her to a mother figure, she's too young and more of a friend, but she's like family. So maybe she's like a cool aunt for him. "What if I was planning on pick-up some girl later tonight?"
She stops and narrows her gaze at him. "Harvey…we both know that wasn't in the plan. Don't think I didn't notice how you've been lingering at Donna's desk lately." He starts to open his mouth ready to protest but she adds. "Oh Please! You aren't going to kick me out son, because I brought a special gift for you." She rubs her hands on her apron and takes a brown paper bag that was set on the kitchen counter. She walks around the kitchen counter and puts the bag in his hands.
She smiles. "Something from the coffee cart guy. To ease your birthday blues."
Harvey takes a moment. He's hesitating on giving the bag back, thanking her and saying he has a headache. But maybe the older, wise woman is right and smoking pot would help ease the birthday pain?
"Okay. Thanks Jessica." Harvey opens the brown paper bag, digging his hand in it.
"You even bought me rolling papers, how thoughtful." He proceeds on rolling joints. He stops and looks at her, giving her a quizzical look. "Jessica, you bought way too much pot…"
She puts a plate in front of him. He doesn't know what exactly it is but he is well aware of her amazing cooking skills. There is meat with what looks like sauce forestiere with mashed potatoes and asparagus tips. She sits on the kitchen stool next to him and she gives him a fork and a knife. "I bought just enough pot for all of us, the girls are coming later." She takes a bite.
"The girls?" Harvey coughs on his mashed potatoes. "Jessica, did you call hookers for me?" He knows she didn't. He's still scared of what her answer might be.
Jessica starts laughing. "Rachel and Donna will be here in a few, they were going out tonight but I insisted they should stop by to see stone-Harvey."
He takes another bite. The meal is delicious. He drinks a big gulp of wine. He's going to smoke pot with Donna. He feels hot and weird all of a sudden.
"Harvey, is that what you usually do on your birthday? Call hookers?"
"No! Never! Jessica, you've seen me work. I can choose any girl I want in Manhattan why would I…?"
She takes a sip of wine then rolls a joint between her long fingers while Harvey is still eating. She says at last, without even looking at him. "You say you can choose any girl you want in Manhattan but there you are, celebrating another year while the one you've always wanted is out for drinks with her friend, probably getting hit on by other men."
.
'
They are throwing balls of paper onto trashcan and it's hilarious. He can't stop laughing.
He doesn't even hear them coming in. But he definitely sees her. She's wearing a black dress, way shorter than what she usually wears at the office, revealing her long toned legs. Her makeup is more provocative than usual, her hair curlier, her eyes darker and lips more red. He can't remember how to breathe and he drops his joint on the carpet.
"Shit!" He quickly picks it up.
"Happy Birthday Harvey!" says Rachel offering her best smile. He appreciates she knows him enough to know he doesn't want a hug or a kiss. "We were out for drinks!" Rachel's voice is more cheerful than usual, she obviously had too much to drink.
Donna is closer now, her perfume invading his senses. He has a knot in his stomach, thinking of all the men who got to look at her legs tonight, probably paying her drinks and maybe even touching her. He knows she is no longer with Mitchell, Rachel told him. As much as he acted like it was an unimportant piece of information when Rachel told him, he secretly hoped it was because of him. Because of the "thank you" flowers he sent to her desk every week for the past six weeks (twelve roses, for twelve years), the coffees he brought her, her favorite magazine he left on her desk…just because he made an extra effort to be the good guy.
But it's been weeks, and he finally came to the conclusion that he'd been friend-zoned. He loves her too much to make a move without a clear signal from her part, even if Paula insisted that he should make his feelings clearer, not mentioning Donna specifically. "You should try opening up sometimes, make your feelings more obvious to others. You might be surprised, things might turn out better than you think," Paula said.
"Stop staring." Donna states matter-of-factly, her fingers brushing against his as she takes the joint from between his fingers. Her fingers linger there a few seconds too long. He's drunk and high but he finally knows what he wants for his birthday. He's never going to ask her. He's positive he'll be dreaming about it, like all the other nights he dreamt about it. He's going to wake up tomorrow morning, sweaty and uncomfortable, in need of a shower exactly like when he was eleven. How ironic.
"You were playing basketball?" asks Rachel.
Harvey snaps back to reality. Rachel is standing next to Jessica and they are both looking at him and Donna. He knows that look on Jessica's face. That smirks.
Jessica emits a small laugh. "Yes we were, with balls of papers because Harvey is scared we would break something. You girls are against us."
Donna removes her stilettos, keeping her balance by grabbing Harvey's arm. She then pours herself a drink. "Bring it on!"
'
'
They are really having fun. It seems Rachel can't stop screaming when she has too much to drink. She drops the paper ball Donna throws at her and starts laughing uncontrollably, falling in Jessica's arms who starts laughing too. Harvey claps his hands, calling for Jessica's attention. "Hey, focus on the game Pearson! Last point and we win."
They start again and Jessica throws the ball way too far, across the kitchen counter. Harvey starts running and Donna tackles him. His body falls on the ground making a loud stump as she puts a knee on his torso trying to reach the ball that is behind his head. He grabs her wrists and pushes her aside, extending his left arm, touching the ball with the tip of his fingers. He feels the palm of her hand flattening against his hand. His hand feels really hot. He looks at her, laying on the ground beside him as she is giggling. Her dress has ridden up and he sees she's wearing red satin panties. He doesn't remember which game he's playing anymore and his right hand grazes her thigh, reaching for the hem of her dress. He pulls the hem of the dress down. He sees her features becoming suddenly very serious, her eyes searching for an explanation. He clears his throat and murmurs. "Your undies were showing…"
"…and it's distracting you." She adds quickly grabbing the paper ball and throwing it to Rachel who automatically throws it in the can and starts yelling victory. Harvey groans rolling on his back. Donna stands up, pulling her dress. He's still on the ground and he can see under her dress, he closes his eyes trying to erase the image of her red panties from his mind.
"I'm tired…I'm going to head home." Jessica says.
Harvey painfully gets up. His eyes immediately searches for Donna. She is sitting on the couch, drinking water this time. Her hair is a mess. He closes his eyes again, trying to erase another image from his mind, from "the other time".
"Jessica, you are all drunk and stone. None of you are going home. There's an extra bed in the study room…and there's mine." He offers. "I'll take the couch.
Rachel starts running towards the study room, Jessica following behind, both giggling like school kids. Harvey can practically hear their body slamming against the door, and some more giggling. They are too sweet, like having too much cotton candy at a carnival. He's not sure he likes that Jessica. He raises a questioning eyebrows and Donna answers.
"Yes, they're friends…they really have a weird relationship. Are we sure Jessica isn't bisexual?" Harvey is standing in front of her, visible surprised. She adds. "Oh calm down, Specter. I'm not saying they had sex. They just really took a liking into each other and have become awfully close. They like to hug a lot."
"I've never seen Jessica as a hugger…" Harvey says slowly.
She ignores his last comment. "…Harvey can I borrow one of your t-shirt and boxer? I'm going to take the couch."
"No. Take the bed. I'll take the couch. No discussion. I'm the boss."
"Technically, you aren't anymore," she smirks.
They go into his bedroom, she opens the right drawer like she's lived there all of her life and she choose a white t-shirt and blue cotton boxer. She goes into the bathroom. He never understood how she can't be cold at night. The woman has always been a living bed warmer, he just knows it. Harvey always wears long pants and a long sleeves shirt to bed. He's always been cold. Except once.
"Is it okay if I take a shower?" he hears her asks behind closed door.
"No problem, clean towels are under the sink."
He figures he could just lay down for a few minutes before heading to the couch. His back hurts and he might have a few bruises from when she tackled him earlier. He lies on the right side of the bed, the side where he always sleep. He closes his eyes only to blink but next thing he knows it is pitch black in his room. He feels the mattress move beside him and his heart stops.
"Harvey, why you never wanted to celebrate your birthday?"
The effects of the vices from the evening are still present, added to the half-awaken state he's in, it is easier to open up.
"I was eleven. My birthday was perfect until I caught my mom upstairs, sucking the magician's dick."
"What. She…sucked his magic wand?" He can hear her trying to supress the giggles in her voice. She adds more seriously "I'm so sorry Harvey…"
"I know it sounds weird and funny but I saw them and it made me sick. I just decided birthdays aren't worth celebrating…"
He feels the mattress moves again, she is rolling on her side, probably facing towards him now. His heart is beating out of his chest, he wonders if she is going to touch him. He has to get up and go sleep on the couch, NOW. He bends one of his leg slowly trying to push himself up when he feels her fingers, warm around his left wrist.
"Jessica and Rachel are gone," she says. He doesn't know how to process this new information. Did Donna make them go away? Or was it Jessica's plan all along? Why did she stay? He feels her grasp tightening around his wrist, he is sure she can feel how quick his pulse is.
"I'm sorry your eleventh birthday was that bad and ruined all the others after that, Harvey." Her voice is low and warm. He feels her toes playing with his foot, he's sure he's dreaming. He wants this so bad but he's afraid that if he makes a move she will disappear.
But now he also knows that not making a move could also make her disappear.
He feels confused. He decides he will wait. He will give her as much as she is giving him, maybe each time pushing the limits a bit further. He twists his wrist inside her grasp and she gets the message, her hand gently sliding up from his wrist, as he links their fingers together. He instantly relaxes. It feels good, it feels right. They lay in the dark, he feels her foot still playing with his. He rolls towards the middle of the bed mimicking her position. His eyes have now adapted to the darkness and he can trace her form.
"…I wanted to thank you," he starts, his voice is a whisper. He hopes she hears him.
"I get it Harvey. I think you made it more than clear. Not only you've said it but you also brought me coffees, sent me flowers, bought me magazines…" She gently pushes the hem of his shirt, her fingers grazing his belly. He shivers under her touch. He expects her to make some snarky comment about how he's old now and gained weight. But instead he feels her hand traveling up his torso, her thumb skimming against his nipple sending a jolt of electricity all the way down between his legs. Her breath caresses his face.
"Harvey, I wanted to thank you… You've been…" She talks slowly. He realizes she wants to choose the right words. "More than patient. I realized you were ready a few weeks ago but you still waited for me." Donna's hand is moving up and down his torso and he's not sure he will make it out alive of this conversation. "I have to admit I always thought you were an idiot because you didn't try to make a move on me. I've seen you make a move on all those other women…"
"…but you always were more important than all those other women, Donna." He finishes. "You were right, I didn't want to risk anything because I was scared to lose you."
"Maybe I wasn't clear enough on what I wanted, Harvey. I think now you know."
He feels paralyzed. He's an idiot. He literally can't move. He just can't remember how. Her hand is playing with the elastic of his pants and that is making him mute.
She adds. "Remember at my apartment, when you promised again how you would never let anything happen to me, so I don't ever have to feel scared ever again?" Of course he remembers, right after those words his whole fucking life went down the drain.
"It scared me. Because I realized just how damaged you are. That obviously you love me, way much that I could ever imagined. But that you have been through so much hurt in your life, that you were so goddamn damage that you couldn't even acknowledged those feelings…" Her voice is weak, cracking. "I'm glad you saw that and got help." She's crying now, he just knows it.
It's overwhelming but it's like it has been on the tip of his tongue all those years. "Donna," his thumb brushes against her cheek, feeling her wet skin. "I'm in love with you. I'm sorry…I said I won't let anything happened to you but yet…I was the one who hurt you."
She gets closer. Her leg over his, her face nestled in the crook of his neck. "You know what's great about bad memories Harvey? As long as you are alive you get to choose if you want to replace them with better ones…"
He wraps his arms around her. She probably feels how much he wants her against her thigh, he doesn't care anymore. Her lips brushes against his and he automatically pulls her on top of him, wanting to feel all of her. He opens his mouth, tongue fleeting against her lips and she responds by crashing her mouth against his with more urgency, one of her hand behind his head, pulling his face even closer even if it isn't possible. She sits on him and removes her t-shirt. He can sees her silhouette in the dark and he wraps his hands around her neck, he pulls her against him, pressing his mouth against hers again. How can kissing someone bring so much pleasure? He feels younger now. She had pushed his t-shirt up, he doesn't know when but he can feel her breast against his torso, her hardened nipples tickling his skin. He angles his mouth to give her more access, her tongue sweet against his, her lips are so soft and he can't get enough.
But he stops. "Donna…wait." She groans against his mouth.
"Donna, I want to take you on a date first. I want to this right."
She sits on him, he's pretty sure she's doing it on purpose, he can feel her wetness on his dick, all across the boxer shorts she's wearing and his own pants. Maybe he is the dumbest man alive. She exhales and kisses his lips softly. "Okay… If that is what you want. So we won't have sex tonight." She sighs. She rolls off him, lying on her back next to him. "But you know, you have already taken me on so many dates. Even last week…"
"Coffee date counts as date?" he asks, amused.
"Duh. We're in 21st Century, old man. It's not like you are going to take me out at the roller disco!"
"I always liked jazz more than disco anyway…" he says. He gets up. "Wait," he adds. "Don't go okay?"
She starts laughing. "You really are scared I'm going to run away aren't you?"
He puts on a record, soft music envelops the room. He lights a few candles and jumps back into bed. Now he can see her, she is half-naked, her red hair sprawled on his pillow. "You are beautiful…" He touches her face softly, then pushes his fingers in her hair.
She giggles and says "Now with the music and the candles, that looks like a fuck-date."
He's a bit scared he's gone too far. She always could read him. She grabs her neck. "Hey, Harvey. I really want this." She sneaks a hand down his pants. He's hovering above her, closing his eyes and biting his lip. Her hand his warm against his length, fingers closing firmly around his erection as she starts to pump slowly. He will most probably die of a heart attack in the next few minutes, in the grasp of her, the epitome of perfection. He can't stop kissing her, touching her, his fingers inside her rolling her bundle of nerves as she moans against his lips. Everything is fast but also slow, he can't quite figure out how it happened, maybe because all those years of dancing around their feelings had led to that but he's inside her. She's warm, soft against him, she clenches her walls around his dick and he only hears his heartbeat thumping loud in his ears. He loses all control when she rocks her hips under his thrusts and whispers that she loves him just before he feels her losing her breath. He doesn't want to let her go, afraid he might get cold. He hugs her and kisses her face, neck. She gets it and positions her body against his so that they're spooning, his arms wrapped around her. His heart is still beating so hard, it is still the only think he can hear.
Then he finally hears the record. Miles Davis is still playing. The record keeps repeating the same few notes over and over again. "I can't believe you kept that record I scratched…Harvey you could have get another one," he hears her whispers.
He doesn't answer. He kept it because SHE scratched it.
What could have been a bad memory ended up being something that will always make him smile.
He gets it now…What he's been missing all those years.
To him, she's like a fairy that can take every painful memory and transform it into a happy one. From now on, on every birthday, he would no longer think of what his mom did. He would think of that night when he fell asleep with Donna in his arms, that night when he finally knew what happiness was. "Happiness is holding someone in your arms and knowing you hold the whole world."