Author's Note: Hi there, Lil here! Hope you enjoy this fic, it is the first one I wrote, and I wrote it on Sweetest's Day (it was originally called A Not So Sweet Sweetest's Day For Snape), but then lost the notebook, alas! I have begun rewriting it from scratch, and I hope it is just as good this time. Please review! Oh, and go check out my other stories, they're funny! I plan to update Adventures In Gimli's Beard! soon, possibly tonight, yay! Of course, you'll have to read the first one first, called WHAT'S IN GIMLI'S BEARD?
Disclaimer:I do not own the song, which really has nothing to do with the story and is sung by the Coasters, or the characters who belong to J. K. Rowling. I own nothing but the bowl of soup I'm eating (mushroom,to be exact) and a red pen that has almost run out of ink and is the only pen I have left, alas! I hope you enjoy, so ON WITH THE STORY!!! And please remember to review!
Love Potion Number 9
Chapter 1
I didn't know if it was day or night!
I started kissin' everything in sight!
But when I kissed the cop down at 34th and Vine,
He broke my little bottle of,
Love Potion Number 9!
Wait a minute… something was not right! He couldn't put his finger on it, but there was something definitely out of sorts. Oh well, no time to ponder it right now, he was going to be late for breakfast! And he was starving! He hurriedly threw on a robe over his clothes and headed out the door. In his haste, he did not notice the mysterious shadowy figure lurking just behind his chamber door. The figure watched him go, then cackled quite insanely and ran off up the stairs.
Snape was walking towards the Great Hall when one of his students ran into him, literally. Pansy Parkinson had run straight into him, knocking him to the floor with a loud thud. "Watch where you're going, you foolish girl!", he shouted.
"Sorry, Professor," she stammered, "I didn't see you and…" She trailed off, looking quite strangely at Snape. Her eyes were all sparkly and she was smiling dreamily at him. Snape didn't notice this, as he was preoccupied with dusting himself off.
"That's alright," he snapped at her, "just watch where you're going next time!" And without looking back, he marched off towards breakfast, looking forward to a lovely Spanish omelette, or perhaps some yummy waffles.
He took a seat at the staff table at a vacant chair between Professors McGonagall and Sinistra. He greeted them with a courteous 'good morning' as he began piling food onto his plate, and they replied cheerfully. Everything seemed normal until he asked McGonagall to pass him the jam. His hand accidentally bumped hers as she handed him the jar and she suddenly went all googley-eyed. Her hand slipped, spilling jelly all over him. "Oh, I'm so sorry, Severus! Clumsy me!", she said, giggling like a schoolgirl and gazing strangely at him.
"Here, let me help you.", offered Professor Sinistra, getting a napkin and dabbing at the offensive preservative. His protests that he could clean it himself were ignored. Suddenly she stopped and looked up at him, looking odd. Her eyes went all sparkly , too, as she gazed up at his face. "Severus," she said huskily, "I've never noticed before, but you have such beautiful eyes!"
Snape, looking very flustered, replied, "Um, thank you, I think." He then looked toward McGonagall to comment on Sinistra's odd behavior, and was instantly frightened! She was blushing and looking at him with adoration. He was even more frightened when she transfigured her teaspoon into a red rose.
Terrified, Snape was trying to think of what was going on when she suddenly grabbed his hand, got down on one knee, and proclaimed, "Severus, I love you! Will you marry me?" Snape tried to pull he hand away, only to find that the elderly woman was stronger than she looked, and determined to hang on to him!
"Minerva!", he shrieked, increasing his efforts to free himself from her grasp, "What in the wide, wide world of sports has gotten into you? Let me go! You're insane! And don't forget, you're already married!"
"Call me Minnie, Sevvie-baby!", she replied happily, not loosening her grip for a moment. Snape was now even more terrified!
He turned to Sinistra for help and was startled to see her staring at him with wide, sad eyes. "You're not going to do it, are you?", she asked him, looking extremely sad.
"Do what?", he asked her.
"Marry her," she said simply, almost in tears now.
He snapped, "Of course not, now will you help-", but he was cut off by the now ecstatic-looking Sinistra gripping his arm forcefully and looking triumphantly at McGonagall.
"I knew it!", she said gleefully, "He loves me, not you! Didn't you hear him?"
"WHAT?", he screeched. "I do not! Now both of you unhand me this instant, you loons!"
"Y'hear that?", cackled McGonagall happily, "He doesn't want to be with you! He loves me!" She tugged on his arm, trying to pull him from Sinistra.
"Oh no he doesn't", cried Sinistra, "he loves me! He's my little angel muffin!" She yanked on his other arm, jerking him almost off his chair, not noticing that her little 'angel muffin' was trying to get away from her just asmuch as her opponent.
They continued pulling and yelling as if he were a rope in a tug-o-war match. Snape felt as though his arms would be ripped from their sockets any minute now! "Will someone, anyone, please HELP ME!!!", he yelled to the rest of the staff table, who seemed not to notice anything odd. Professor Lupin then walked by, humming and smiling, seemingly oblivious to the chaos around him. "Remus," Snape called to him, "You've got to help me!" He was pleading now! "Save me! They're INSANE!"
Lupin looked at him and took a minute to assess the situation. Then, laughing, he turned to the still bickering and tugging women and announced, "I have an idea!" (Snape barely restrained himself from retorting, 'there's a first time for everything', remembering Lupin was trying to save him.) "Why don't you two ladies duel for his affection? The winner can marry him, and that will make it fairer than tearing him in half and each of you getting a piece."
"Great idea, Lupin!", the ladies said, jumping to their feet and, thankfully, letting go of Snape to draw their wands. Snape saw his chance and took it! He ran like smithereens out of the Great Hall and down the corridor, not stopping until he turned the corner. When he felt he had put enough distance between him and the scary female professors, he let out a sigh of relief and sat down on the floor to catch his breath. Lupin had followed him, though at a much less hectic pace. When he reached his collapsed colleague, he sat down next to him.
"Thanks a lot, Remus!", said Snape gratefully. " I thought they were going to pull me apart! What's wrong with them?"
"You're welcome," Lupin replied happily. "I'm not sure what was wrong with them, they sure were acting scary, though!" He stopped talking and a pointed ear twitched. "I hear footsteps, someone's coming!", he whispered, using his super-werewolf-hearing-abilities to figure out which way the sound was coming from.
Snape drew his wand, preparing for the worst.
"Get behind me Lupin!", Snape cried, throwing an arm in front of the other man, "They can be dangerous!" But when the person turned the corner, the men were relieved to see it was only Pansy Parkinson. "Miss Parkinson, shouldn't you be at breakfast?", Snape asked her.
"Oh, I was looking for you, Professor.", she said to Snape, smiling sweetly. At his inquiring stare she continued, "You left the Great Hall in such a hurry, I didn't think you had time to finish your breakfast, so I came to give you this!" She then lifted the lid off of a golden tray that neither man had noticed her carrying before. It was covered with pancakes cut in the shape of hearts, topped in syrup, whipped cream, strawberries, and little pink, heart-shaped sprinkles, how frightening!
"Oh no, not you too!", Snape gasped! "Now the insanity has even started affecting the students!"
She just smiled bigger and said, "Oh, I do hope you like it! I conjured it up myself, just for you! You've always been my favorite teacher!"
Snape thought about making a run for it, but she didn't look like she was going to cause him any bodily harm at the moment, so he just said, "Um, thank you for you thoughtfulness, but I'm, um, not really hungry right now."
"But I made it just for you!", she stated. "You're so smart and handsome and talented and brave and strong and tall and sweet and-", she continued rambling. Snape looked at Lupin, but received no help there, as his comrade was busy covering his mouth with both hands, trying not to laugh.
"Lupin, you're turning blue.", Snape noticed. Then he saw an excuse to leave and not crush the poor girl's spirit! He turned to her and she stopped rambling. "Excuse me, Miss Parkinson, but Professor Lupin is turning blue, he seems to have caught, umm, Stupidpersonitis, yes, very rare! Turning blue is one of the first symptoms! It's highly contagious, so I must take him away and administer the antidote immediately, goodbye!" he said all in a rush and, grabbing the still blue Lupin, ran down the corridor.
"Well, okay, you go ahead then. I'll have this food sent to your room for later on!", she said happily to the tinny, retreating form of her professor. She then skipped off to find a house elf to make the delivery, humming 'I'm The One Who Wants To Be With You'.