A/N: Warning! Characters may be OOC but then, when are they not when it's a parody? I do not own anything Harry Potter related, Ms. Phelps, Blair or my Mom. But I do own me. Merry Christmas everyone and to all a good night…! Let's hope my teacher doesn't kill me when I give it her on the 22nd yeah?
"Chaotic, what are you going to get your advisor for Christmas?" my mom asked me from across the dinner table.
"Well…" I tapped my chin thoughtfully with my fork. "There's only three things in this world that I know Ms. Phelps absolutely loves. One, Johnny Depp but he's already married and has kids. Two, William Shakespeare but he's dead, and three, Severus Snape."
"Okay, well what are you going to do?"
"I'm going to use my excellent problem solving skills like it says I have on my report card! Do you happen to have any money set aside that I could use for plane tickets to and from London that does in every way jumpstart the plot?" I asked curiously.
"Yes, actually I do Sweetheart! Why don't I book the tickets for you now, shall I?"
"That would be great Mom, thanks!" I beamed.
"Well Chaotic, here is your homework for the time you'll be away. And you've somehow already aced all of your midterms that you haven't even written yet so have a good trip!" my curly, red-haired advisor/English teacher/Drama professor told me.
"Thanks Ms. Phelps, but don't worry I'll have a really great gift for you just in time for Christmas; which is twelve days away from today." I assured her.
"I believe you. But you really don't need to get me anything, that's why I don't really like Christmas anymore – because it's another excuse to give each other piles of gifts." she said as she adjusted one of her many flamboyant hats.
I patted her on the shoulder. "Don't worry, I don't mind. Really! Plus I know that it's something you're going to love."
"If you insist."
"Muggle in the castle! Muggle in the castle! Crazy, loud, destructive, Muggle, teenage girl in the castle!" yelled out Filch in warning while hobbling as fast as he could, Mrs. Norris clutched to his chest.
"Raise the alarm! The Muggle-repellant shields have failed!" squeaked Professor Flitwick.
"Students please calmly make your way to the Great Hall. There is nothing too serious going on here, the problem will be dealt with momentarily!" declared Professor McGonagall.
"But I thought that we were all fictional to the Muggles!" questioned Seamus.
Ron was leaning out of the windows looking out to Courtyard in awe. "Merlin's pants! That broad is off the deep end! But she's hot."
"She's more destructive than we are – said Fred.
-And that's saying something." finished George.
"AHHHHHH!" All the teachers screamed.
"Oh god, this must be one of my crazy fangirls coming to try to kidnap me again!" Harry despaired.
"Don't worry Harry, I'll protect you with my superior intellect and bushy hair! Besides, what real harm can a Muggle do? They, quite obviously don't have magic." reassured Hermione.
Then not-so-suddenly, the wooden doors leading out of the Courtyard and into the corridors where our Wizarding heroes were all awaiting were dramatically kicked open. Standing in the doorway was me, the author, holding a flamethrower which was used to torch the grounds. "Oh yeah! I've always wanted to do that! I've always wanted to come to Hogwarts too, but the letter hasn't come yet. Now, to answer everybody. Yes, you're supposed to be Seamus, thank you Ron I wish I could say the same about you, I'm honoured Fred and George, don't worry Harry I haven't come to kidnap you this time but I assure you that I'll be back for you, and Hermione you may be right about the first few things but I have the mightiest magic of them all – the Magic of the Writer."
It was then that Dumbledore, McGonagall, Flitwick, Sprout, Trelawney, Binns, and finally, Snape, came striding down the corridor towards us – in slow mo to Queen's "Another One Bites the Dust".
I then turned on the Flamethrower for a few seconds to send some flames into the air. "Hello! I haven't got all day to wait for you lot to get here! Hurry it up will you?" I said impatiently.
"Alright, if you insist young lady." sighed Dumbledore. "I so wanted to do the whole slow motion walk! It's cool and we haven't been able to do that in such a long time." All the teachers agreed, even Snape did.
"A-hem! Hand over Professor and Potions Master Severus Tobias Snape immediately, or I will be forced to take drastic action!" I announced and turned on the flamethrower once more for dramatic affect.
"Whatever do you want him for? He's the greasy git – oh…did I say that out loud?" asked McGonagall.
"I will never hand Severus over to you!" declared Dumbledore.
"I will speak for myself thank you," Snape sneered. "I will not be handing myself over to anyone much less a powerless Muggle girl."
"Well how did she into the castle Professor?" sulked Malfoy –er Draco.
"Well…! Er…uhm. Well speak girl, how did you get into Hogwarts?"
I threw up my hands in exasperation. "Have I not already explained this? I have the magic of the writer, I'm an author, I'm THE author of this story so what I want, I write down and what I write happens, understand now? Oh yes, and if you try to spell me they'll all just reflect, even if they are Unforgivables so don't try it." They try anyway and all the spells bounce off the walls and everyone ducks while most of them go back to the teachers and out of them only Dumbledore and Snape are still standing.
"Wicked!" the twins exclaim together.
"And Professor Dumbledore? I thought you might say that so I brought some persuasion." And magically, from behind my back I produce a HUGE bag of-
"SHERBERT LEMONS!" he squeals in delight. "Here, you can have him!" and he pushes Snape towards me and I write down that he cannot escape from me. "I also thought you might say that." I said laughed. Then I handcuff Snape and march him toward the door. And as I do so all the students cheer.
"I think I'm in love…" drools Ron.
"Us too." said the Twins in unison.
"But-but, he's a Professor!" Hermione wails.
"I love you Chaotic! I will count the hours until you come back for me!" yells Harry, as I've gotten much farther away by now. I wink and blow him a kiss.
"Unhand me wench or I will hex you into oblivion!" curses Snape.
"You can't do that remember? I haven't forgotten my own magical protection you know. Your threats won't work on me." I told him with a smirk in my voice.
"Bugger."
"What exactly, may I ask, do you want with me?" snarled the angry Potions Master.
I rolled my eyes. "It's not what I want with you. I'm just giving my Academic Advisor the best present ever – from her perspective. She loves you~"
"I'm a WHAT? You're giving me as a CHRISTMAS PRESENT to your TEACHER!" he thundered.
"Well I'm sure no one else would want to kiss you under the mistletoe and besides I think it's a little too late for-ohhhhh bugger shutting up now." I snapped my mouth closed. I was not going to go there. That would be too harsh and he of all people doesn't deserve that from anyone. Much less me.
"Speak girl, what were you going to say next? I dare you to tell me."
"I'm not James Potter, Professor. What I was going to say was very below the belt and I actually stopped and thought so that I didn't say it. I'm very sorry I even thought it. And for future reference, Harry isn't his father either." I apologised.
"…Very well." he says grudgingly. "And where are going as you clearly aren't English.
"I bloody-well am thanks very much – half English actually. Well, after this we're going back to my home country of Canada!"
"It could be much worse I suppose. We could have been going to America."
"That's the spirit! And now to get you dressed like a proper muggle…to Harrods!" I cheered.
"Oh God."
A few very long hours for Snape later, we were finally at the airport. And he was actually looking really good for someone who's old enough to be my father. In black of course. I couldn't even convince him to try something on that was dark green! Oh yeah, I also took the handcuffs off a long time ago because I trusted him not to run off. And not even the Dark Mark could save him from my clutches…mwahahahahaha. And everything went surprisingly well getting my bag checked and going through security until, well there was something bound to go wrong at one point or another.
"Names?" said a policeman.
"Chaotic Order." I told him. "Tell him your name too Dad I said sweetly as I looked up at Snape.
"Se-Samuel Order." he looked like he was going to puke, having to call me his daughter.
The policeman looked at us suspiciously. "Are you sure you two are related?"
I nodded vigorously. "Of course he's my dad! I just look like my mother. And besides, if I wasn't would I do this?" And I energetically throw my arms around the Potion Master's waist. He stiffened. A lot. "Hug me back." I hissed. He did reluctantly.
"…Alright. Passports?" I showed him mine and… "Confundus."
It was that quick going through our airport to after the flight that was non-existent thanks to the powers of being the author. Then when my mom picked us up, on the long drive home I talked to him about Ms. Phelps and her many redeeming qualities and by the end of the ride he seemed satisfied with what will only be his permanent situation – if my teacher has any say in it. Which is the whole point. "…And since we're back in time for Christmas dinner, which is tomorrow night that is only two days before Christmas to spare, you will be joining my mother and I with us at the event. And did I mention that Ms. Phelps is very Slytherin?" I told him excitedly.
"Repeatedly." he smirked wryly.
"And my best friend, Blair? On Pottermore she's in Slytherin too. You'll like her."
"And what house would you be in?" he asked me.
"I'd think that would be pretty obvious to you by now, you being a spy and all."
"I want to hear what you think. And I guess that my being a spy is common knowledge among Muggles?"
"Yeah pretty much. And well, according to every Sorting Hat quiz I've ever taken, plus my own personal opinion and that of the Sorting Hat on Pottermore when it's not just Beta – I'm a Gryffindor and proud of it!"
"I suppose it was too much to hope for that the Slytherin part of you is dominant wasn't it?"
"Yes."
"Oh my god is that Alan Rickman with you?" asks Blair. "How do you know Alan Rickman? You didn't tell me you know Alan Rickman! Why didn't you tell me that you knew Alan Rickman?" she whisper-shouts at me.
"It's not Alan Rickman." I whisper-shout back. "It's Snape."
"What?"
"I said it's Snape."
"No, that's definitely Alan Rickman."
"I'm telling you, it's not! It really is Severus Snape!"
"I don't believe you."
"Aww come on! I really did go to Hogwarts and everything! Why do you think I was away for the last ten days?"
"To get a head-start on Christmas Break? And I am not believing that Alan Rickman is Severus Snape until you prove it!" Blair says stubbornly.
"Alan Rickman is not Severus Snape! He plays Severus Snape and that person right there is Severus Snape! You know what? I'm the author of this story so I can write it that you believe me and you'll believe me!"
"Oh my god, that really is Severus Snape!"
"Wasn't that what I was telling you the whole time?" I winked.
So two days later, on Christmas Day I used my heavenly gift of writing to get Snape and I into the Teacher's dormitories and led him to Ms. Phelps's. "Well, this is where I leave you Professor. And as soon as you walk through that door the spell will be lifted and you will have your free will back. Merry Christmas Severus." I said genuinely.
He smiled – legitimately smiled at me. "Happy Christmas Chaotic."
Then I stepped back and hid around the corner as he knocked. When my teacher opened the door her lips parted in a surprised 'o' because she thought that meeting him at Christmas dinner was just an alcohol induced dream. But it was not and she let him in, kissed him smack on the lips and practically squealed the traditional message of the day.
"Thank you Chaotic." she whispered happily to herself and then I waltzed – just a little bit, down the hallway of Res. "I'm dreaming, of a white wedding~! One of which I will be the Maid of Honour For~!"
~Fin…for now~
Look out for Part Two coming out next Christmas…